This picture was taken in July of 2009. Specifically during the July 4th weekend. We took Mattie away for the weekend with Ann's family. This was a huge deal, since we worked everything out with his doctors ahead of time, so that Mattie did not have to be on IV hydration at night at the hotel. It was only one night away, but just getting all his supplies packed up for that one night was exhausting. In addition, this was an emotionally challenging trip for Mattie, and therefore it was equally challenging for us as his parents and as a couple. While watching the fireworks, Ann snapped a picture of us capturing the sights. The fireworks did catch Mattie's attention, and he wanted to see them, but he was edgy before and after the display. He wanted to be with the other children, and yet, wanted his space at the same time because he felt different from them. I can recall his mixed emotions and heartache vividly, and sometimes I amaze myself, when I see myself smiling in this picture. Perhaps it seems from this picture that I did not have a care in the world. I assure you that was NOT true!
Quote of the day: Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland
Nine years ago today, is a day I will never forget. September 11, 2001, was a TUESDAY. A day of the week I have come to absolutely despise (since Mattie died on a Tuesday). On that day, I was two months pregnant with Mattie, having morning sickness, and trying to prepare for my class lectures for the week. Before I turned on the news, I thought the worst problem I had that day was morning sickness. But as I watched the Twin Towers come crashing down, the Pentagon get hit by a commercial jet, and of course the bravery of the people aboard that flight that crashed in the Pennsylvania field, I was left stunned, shocked, and deeply saddened for our Nation, and the incredible loss of life. A senseless loss and disregard for life are not something I can understand at all. In a way I feel as if Mattie's life was book ended by tragedy, the tragedy of 9/11 and his death on 9/8.
I had the opportunity to spend time with Mary, Ann's mom today. Mary was feeling a bit better today, and was looking forward to my visit all day. We sat together, chatted, I did her nails, and helped her with phone calls and her dinner. As Mary tells me often, I do many good deeds, and all these good deeds are witnessed by God. I don't solicit these comments, but I do believe Mary deeply believes them! While I was with Mary, an administrator (Grace) from another assisted living facility was visiting. I have met Grace once before, and apparently she remembered me. She came over to talk with me, and while I was chatting, Mary was absorbing everything we were talking about. Mary may not respond or interject while someone is talking to me, but she does have feelings about what others say to me. Grace happens to be pregnant with her fourth child. She was telling us how she was feeling tired and sick to her stomach. Mary and I listened, and naturally I asked her questions about her other children. Grace then asked me how many children I had. I responded, and though I told her I lost my son to cancer, she did not miss a beat, and kept talking to me as if I never told her my tragic news. Not that this wasn't upsetting to me, it was, but I have experienced this reaction from others before, so I brushed it aside. Mary on the other hand filed it, but wasn't happy with the response. I noted Mary's feelings, because I guess this is the true sign of a friend. When she can be upset for me and understand how I feel, without me having to say anything.
In the evening, I met Peter at Ann's house. Ann's son, Michael was celebrating his 11th birthday. Peter seemed to be occupied with the boys at the party, and I spent time with Abbie, Ann's youngest daughter and her friend, Nikki. Nikki happened to also be a friend of Mattie's. Abbie and Nikki did all sorts of activities with me from bicycle riding, hula hooping, acting out little skits, singing, and dancing. I apparently became the judge in all of this and gave them ratings for their performances. This type of creative play went on for hours. My ten year old friend, Katharina, was also present, and hung out with me for quite a bit. Having only had a boy, I am well versed in playing with Mattie for hours and occupying his creative side. So in many ways, Mattie prepared me well stamina wise to listen, play, and engage children for hours. I learned the art of patience from Mattie. As the evening came to an end for the girls, in their own way, before leaving the activity, they each gave me a hug. That was a loving gesture, which made me feel good, because in essence I felt as if they were saying they had a good time playing.
I received a beautiful email today from a mom whose son, Brennan, is battling osteosarcoma in Australia. Brennan's bone cancer is in his spine. He has been battling this horrible disease since August of 2007, and as his mom describes it, they are at the end of their journey, not unlike what we experienced with Mattie. I was deeply saddened to read Bernadette's email today, and our hearts go out to her, because we know all too well the rough road ahead for Brennan and his entire family. Yet despite this nightmare Bernadette is living, she reached out to us to let us know she has been reading the blog each DAY for 18 months straight. I can't tell you how much this meant to me. I agree with Bernadette, that friends do drop off when cancer strikes, but at the same time, amazing people who you never expected to meet in your life, present themselves, and renew your faith, spirit, and hope for living. I couldn't agree more, Mattie brought me many gifts in the form of many special friendships. Thank you Bernadette for writing and for causing me to reflect on this important aspect of my life. To all my readers, please keep Brennan and his family in your thoughts and prayers. So many of you walked with me through every step of this journey, and you know the pain that Brennan and his family are experiencing now all too well.
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