Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. Mattie spent a night at Ann's house, so that Peter and I could take a break. In fact, the Hospital gave us a gift certificate to stay at a local hotel, and though taking time for ourselves was foreign at that point, we did go. I naturally had apprehensions about being away from Mattie that weekend, but he was looking forward to his first sleepover at a friend's house. Little did I know at the time that this was going to be his first and last sleepover. There is something about this picture that intrigues me. Mattie and Abigail were sitting together in front of her house, and though we can't see their faces, to me their posture tells a story. I get the feeling that Abigail was trying to engage Mattie, and Mattie seemed to be in a comfortable position and focused on something on the ground in front of them. My understanding was earlier that day they went digging for ants in the dirt! However, what also gets me about this picture was the stark contrast between Abigail and Mattie's body types. Abigail is clearly healthy, and Mattie was frail, without hair, and slumped over. Yet despite their differences, they found a way to make their friendship work, and I guess in the end that is what makes this picture very memorable, because you can tell this without having to see their faces.
Quote of the day: Your heart has brought great joy to many. Those hearts can never forget you. ~ Flavia Weeden
Mattie and his story have touched many hearts. Over the last two weeks, I have been fortunate enough to receive e-mails from several people who did not know Mattie, Peter, or myself. However, for various reasons these individuals started reading the blog months or over a year ago, and are now daily blog readers. I so appreciate these women reaching out to me and sharing their stories. I am deeply touched to hear how Mattie's story has changed their lives and perspectives, and in a way, their feedback does make me pause and understand that Mattie made a difference in this world. He was able to do this in seven short years, but I continue to be amazed to learn how his precious smile and contagious energy brought joy to those around him. Even those who never knew him beyond a picture.
Peter started the day by taking Ann's oldest daughter, Katie, to her soccer game. In addition, to taking Katie, he also coached the team today in Bob's absence. Peter played soccer in high school and in college, so I know this is a sport he knows well and enjoys. Clearly coaching a team would have most likely been something Peter would have had the opportunity to do if Mattie were alive, but this is no longer an option. So in a way, I think today's experience was good for Peter. Peter is very good with children of all ages, and really knows how to relate to them and encourage them in positive ways. This is an outlet that is missing in Peter's life, and an aspect of him that isn't being nurtured.
It was a busy day with weekend activities, playing, homework, and even cooking a dinner from scratch. Katie took a cooking summer camp this year, and last night the kids decided they wanted to participate in the dinner planning process. So today Katie and I went out grocery shopping and at 1pm we started cooking. The cooking process did not end until 8pm. You may be asking what were we cooking? Well we made homemade potato gnocchi, german potato salad, a tomato and mozzarella salad, and peach filled crepes. It was an international dinner of sorts. I can safely say I know why most people do not make pasta from scratch anymore. It is a laborious process to put it mildly! I recall when I was growing up my mom's mom made homemade pasta. I remember the flour, eggs, and the rolling pin that she would take out, and she would be working on this for hours. I took her efforts for granted, but after today, I have a greater appreciation for her labor of love.
This afternoon, I went to visit Mary (Ann's mom). Mary is aware of the fact that I am watching Ann's children this weekend. When she saw me today, she refused to keep my visit long. She was worried about me, my energy level, and all that I was balancing. If I had any doubt about how Mary felt about me, I think today's gesture spoke volumes. Mary has a deep understanding of the emotional toll Mattie's death has had on me, and views all the things I do from this lens. Not everyone does this or can appreciate my daily struggles and pains. Mary lives my struggles and gets them.
Tonight, over dinner, we went around the table and each of us got a chance to discuss our day's highs and lows. As I mentioned to Ann last night through a text message, and then told the kids tonight, my low is different from my usual LOW. Typically at Ann's house, her family knows that my usual low is that Mattie is gone from our lives, but tonight's low was taken a step further. After spending two days being responsible for Ann's children, it just screams out to me what I am missing in my life. I have been trained to be a mom, to nurture someone, but my 'someone' was taken from me. I certainly know this on a daily basis, but being around children does further confirm the loss at a much bigger level.
Tomorrow, we will be spending part of the day with Ann's children before she returns home. Returning back to our home is always an adjustment, and as Peter told the kids tonight, their energy is contagious, and somehow it breathes life into us.
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