Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2003. Mattie was a year and a half old! He naturally gravitated to puzzles. I can't tell you how many times we did this one together. When Mattie was in the hospital, he was 6 years old. It wasn't unusual for us to tackle a 500 piece puzzle in his room. This size puzzle can be a challenging for adults, but Mattie enjoyed sorting and finding pieces that went together. I am very grateful Mattie loved these kinds of fine motor activities, because they kept us engaged and busy throughout Mattie's cancer journey.
Quote of the day: Divorce shreds the muscles of our hearts so that they will hardly beat without a struggle. ~ E. Lockhart
I did not sleep well last night. Between my cluster headache and non stop panic attacks, I think I finally fell asleep at 3am, just to get up at 6:30am. This of course doesn't help how I feel. I can't imagine a day where someone would care about my needs, a day where someone wants to support me, and a day when I am not in a panic about finances, bills, and my future. Each day I wake up saying to myself.... what shoe will drop today!? What unexpected bill will be in my mailbox, what unexpected house repair will I have to contend with, or what health crisis will present itself?! I have to say that I really do not see a future for myself, in fact, there are days where I do not even know my own identity. I lost the role of mom and now wife.
I took my mom to Washington, DC today for her hair and nail appointment. My headache was bearable this morning but by noon, the stabbing pain within my eye and head were extreme. Yet who cares? I have to suck it up and continue forward because this is the life Peter has left me. My life has been decimated in the most cruel manner and when I had a meltdown on Sunday, my rant entailed the mistake I made in life which was putting everyone else's needs ahead of my own. Raising Mattie, being present to serve as a manager of our household, running Mattie Miracle full time without taking a salary, and now being my parents' caregiver. I did these things because I thought Peter supported these decisions and that we were a team. But now at the end of the day, I am left with nothing, and I don't get it! I doubt I will ever get it.
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