Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2009. Pictured with Mattie were Jerry and Nancy. They were musical volunteers. We met them during Mattie's first night of chemotherapy. Which I can assure you was a very scary and frightening night! But Jerry came into our room with a keyboard and within minutes we were all singing. I can't tell you how this transformed our mood and spirit. A feeling I can still recall today! From that first encounter, they came to visit us whenever they were volunteering. In fact, Jerry and I would text message each other ahead of their visits, to make sure that whatever songs they were going to play, Mattie knew. This was key because they played a "Name that Tune" game with Mattie and it perked up Mattie's spirit when he would guess the name of the tune correctly! That evening, they brought Mattie a birthday gift, so I snapped that memorable moment.
Quote of the day: The narcissist is like a bucket with a hole in the bottom: No matter how much you put in, you can never fill it up. The phrase “I never feel like I am enough” is the mantra of the person in the narcissistic relationship. That’s because to your narcissistic partner, you are not. No one is. Nothing is. ~ Dr. Ramani Durvasula
I posted a photo of Jerry and Nancy above, because last night I left my home and went out to dinner with them! This may NOT sound like a big deal, but it was for me. I rarely leave my parents alone. I have no social life and my routine looks the same each and every day for three years. Of course to go out to dinner, I worked hard to feed my parents and get them situated before I left the house.
Overall, I am so traumatized that I limit my interactions with friends. But when Nancy donated to the Foundation (which she does every year!), we got to chatting by email. I filled her in a bit about what I am facing with Peter. She immediately contacted Jerry and then they both said, they were coming from the city to where I am and taking me to dinner. Accepting support and help from them is actually easy because they have shared my trauma journey with Mattie all of these years. Pre-Covid, we used to meet Jerry and Nancy several times a year for dinner. We did this right after Mattie died, but COVID changed our tradition and we lost touch.
Last night we chatted, ate, and reconnected. Remember they have seen me during one of the worst times in my life and they knew Mattie. As I tell them often, they are Mattie's memory keepers. Jerry and Nancy loved Mattie so much that they actually gave him his own keyboard (which we took back and forth to the hospital). When Mattie died, with Jerry's blessing, I donated the keyboard to the pediatric units!
Jerry and Nancy are absolutely stunned about my situation. They can't believe given all we survived, that Peter would abandon me and better yet, marry my neighbor. Who does this??! Honestly!!!! In any case, they said everyone thought of us as the "sweet and adorable couple." The "couple who survived the impossible." The "couple who stayed together and defied statistics." What happened? Believe me I ask myself this question practically on the hour! Left unchecked this feeling could eat at me and completely destroy me.
At the end of the evening, Nancy basically said after hearing my story, any married woman should be left wondering.... because this could happen to anyone. That is the frightening part about all of this! We like to think we are in control, that we know when someone loves us or doesn't love us. But what happens when the person you trust most in the world is harboring deeper issues and feelings, but masks them, and instead pretends to be the person you want him to be? Then you become Vicki.
For a few minutes last night, and I mean a few, I felt slightly normal. But that feeling never lasts long, because my reality is earth shattering. Some times I can carry on, move about my day, and other times, I feel so overwhelmed, that I don't know if I can make it another hour, much less another day.
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