A Remembrance Video of Mattie

Thank you for keeping Mattie's memory alive!

Dear Mattie Blog Readers,

It means a great deal to me that you take the time to write and to share your thoughts, feelings, and reflections on Mattie's battle and death. Your messages are very meaningful and help support me through very challenging times. I am forever grateful. As my readers know, I promised to write the blog for a year after Mattie's death, which would mean that I could technically have stopped writing on September 9, 2010. However, like my journey with grief there is so much that still needs to be processed and fortunately I have a willing support network still committed to reading. Therefore, the blog continues on. If I should find the need to stop writing, I assure you I will give you advanced notice. In the mean time, thank you for reading, thank you for having the courage to share this journey with me, and most importantly thank you for keeping Mattie's memory alive.


As Mattie would say, Ooga Booga (meaning, I LOVE YOU)! Vicki



November 15, 2022

Tuesday, November 15, 2022

Tuesday, November 15, 2022 -- Mattie died 685 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken on November 12, 2008, the day before Peter's birthday. We were with Mattie in the pre-op area, as he was headed into a 14 hour long limb salvaging surgery. A surgery that would remove bones in his right leg, left arm and left wrist. It was a ridiculous hour of the morning, but fortunately we advocated for Mattie to be admitted to the hospital the day before. Otherwise, trying to get into the hospital at that hour would be stress beyond belief. Because every admission required new paperwork. Regardless of the fact that we were frequent flyers, coming in and out, for months by that point in time. I remember how stressed out we were that day and the fact that Mattie could smile was truly heroic. 


Quote of the day: Life seems sometimes like nothing more than a series of losses, from beginning to end. That's the given. How you respond to those losses, what you make of what's left, that's the part you have to make up as you go. ~ Katharine Weber


It was a day when my dad had nothing scheduled, no memory care program and no physical therapy. These days are rare. Therefore, I thought I would have some time to work on Foundation tasks. Forget it. I got derailed on scheduling my mom's physical therapy appointments for January, working with her doctor on getting a script for blood work and the list went on. Honestly it is very frustrating. When I finally found a rhyme of getting some work done, I had to stop because my mom wanted to go out for tea and a snack and she wanted me to take my dad along. Traveling anywhere with my dad is a show. It requires a tote bag filled with items to change him and his chair pad. Certainly I would not mind schlepping all of this stuff if I got the feeling this was good stimulation for him and he was enjoying what we are doing. He says his favorite thing is "being together." But wherever I take him, his head is usually down, eyes closed, and he is disengaged from the moment and conversation. This is actually very depressing day in and out. 

This afternoon, Peter mentioned Mattie's model magic birthday cake to me. Peter wanted to know where it was! I literally stopped in my tracks? WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHERE IS IT? In my mind, it has been in Peter's office all this time. I know I saw it in there at some point. Make a long story short, I went room to room in the house and I CAN'T find Mattie's cake. That may not sound like a big deal, but to me it is like having an emotional crisis. I wanted to literally start screaming. But who is going to listen to me?! My parents were waiting to go out, so I had to put my internal meltdown somewhere to address their needs. I have no clue as to where Mattie's cake is! This cake was moved to this house from Washington, DC and it was on display for months. Who would take the cake? It has NO monetary value, only sentimental. I am  hoping the cake fairy visits us to help us get this special memento back or at least reveal where it maybe hiding. 

November 14, 2022

Monday, November 14, 2022

Monday, November 14, 2022

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008, around the time of Peter's birthday. Mattie worked on creating a cake out of model magic and colored it in a fun way. To this day, we still have this cake on display. I am sure Mattie's art therapists at the time did not realize they were helping Mattie and us create legacy items, but in essence this is what every art creation of Mattie's has become. We are thankful to have each and every one of these items in our possession. 




Quote of the day: Death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time. It tell us to tell each other right now that we love each other. ~ Leo Buscaglia


I have no idea how, in the midst of all that I have been dealing with, I was able to write a November newsletter for the Foundation and push it out today to all of our supporters and on social media. I have held off sharing the news on the blog, because I wanted it captured officially first. But I am proud to say that Mattie Miracle is partnering with the B+ Foundation, who has generously donated $115k to support implementation research with the Psychosocial Standards of Care. We have a long standing connection with this special non-profit, and it makes perfect sense to form a partnership on the next phase of Standards research. This research is vital to our mission, because Mattie Miracle is committed to seeing these Standards applied at all treatment centers in the country, thereby making sure that children with cancer and their families have access to evidence-based psychosocial care. 

To read the specifics, here is the article from our November Newsletter:


Mattie Miracle met Joe McDonough, the Founder of The Andrew McDonough B+ Foundation in March of 2012, when he and his daughter, Ali, attended Mattie Miracle’s Psychosocial Symposium for Childhood Cancer on Capitol Hill. The Symposium launched a three year long international research project to develop the first Psychosocial Standards of Care. The Standards were published in a special supplement of Pediatric Blood & Cancer in 2015. These historic evidence-based Standards define what children with cancer and their families must receive to effectively support their psychosocial needs from the time of diagnosis, through survivorship, or end of life and bereavement care. Soon after the Standards were published, The B+ Foundation became one of the first professional endorsers of the Standards, signaling their commitment to evidence based psychosocial care. 

The Andrew McDonough B+ Foundation is named in memory of Andrew McDonough. Andrew battled leukemia, septic shock, and complications of childhood cancer for 167 days before passing away on July 14, 2007, at the age of 14. Andrew’s B+ blood type became his family’s and friends’ motto throughout his fight against childhood cancer – to “Be Positive.” The B+ Foundation is the largest provider of financial assistance to families of kids with cancer in the US, helping over 4,000 families this year and have proudly provided funding to over 150 critical, cutting-edge childhood cancer research projects at top institutions globally.
Mattie Miracle is committed to seeing the Psychosocial Standards of Care operationalized at every cancer center in the Country. However, to achieve this goal, implementation research must be conducted to 1) assess the extent childhood cancer programs in the United States are delivering care consistent with the Standards, 2) capture the voice of family caregivers to determine which Standards of Care should be prioritized for implementation, and 3) identify barriers and facilitators of implementing the prioritized Standards. 
To conduct a large-scale implementation study of this kind, requires significant funding. Mattie Miracle is thrilled to announce that The B+ Foundation has generously awarded the Standards Research Team a $115,000 grant to pursue this cutting-edge research. The team conducting this study represents a strong partnership between family advocacy groups (Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation, Momcology) and researchers (Dr. Anne Kazak, Dr. Kimberly Canter, Michele Scialla, Dr. Emily Pariseau, Dr. Kamyar Arasteh, Dr. Lori Wiener) who are leaders in the development, testing and implementation of psychosocial care in pediatrics.
Victoria Sardi-Brown (Mattie Miracle Co-Founder and President) stated, “We are grateful to Joe McDonough and The B+ Foundation for their long-standing commitment to The Psychosocial Standards of Care. When it came time to seek funding for this groundbreaking implementation research study, Mattie Miracle chose to partner with The B+ Foundation. The B+ Foundation is a leader in the childhood cancer advocacy community, they generously support cutting edge research, and they have been an integral part of the Standards of Care development journey since 2012. I am confident with B+ Foundation’s financial support that the Standards will continue to guide and to support the psychosocial care of children with cancer and their families.” 
Joe McDonough (The Andrew McDonough B+ Foundation Founder) stated, “There is no disputing the significant physical challenges that a child with cancer faces, but far too many people don’t realize the profound emotional challenges that the children – and their families – face. We have tremendous admiration for Mattie Miracle for advancing the need for and then creation and implementation of the Psychosocial Standards of Care. While there have been many people involved in the Standards, I will always thank Vicki and Peter Brown for being the catalysts. The Andrew McDonough B+ Foundation is proud to be a partner in their efforts.”

November 13, 2022

Sunday, November 13, 2022

Sunday, November 13, 2022

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. It was Peter's birthday and as always Mattie wanted to do something for his dad. So together Mattie and I baked a cake.... Peter's favorite, a lemon cake with vanilla frosting. Basically Mattie and Peter were alike on this front..... they were opposed to chocolate. I am so happy we celebrated these moments and I captured them on camera. 


Quote of the day: Death ends a life, not a relationship.  All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on- in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here. ~ Mitch Albom


Today is Peter's birthday. I would like to say I helped him have a relaxing and memorable birthday. But it wasn't even close. From an outsider's lens, you may say it was actually a disaster. I think when exhausted and living with chronic stress, things can be misperceived, or tempers can flair. Though I think I am doing as best as I can with my parents, in the process, I have made no room for anything else. It was clear to me today that at times Peter is talking to me, but I am not listening. Or I am listening but not acknowledging what he is truly saying. It is a hard reality for me to face, because no one likes to know that one's actions are hurting someone they love. 

Needless to say I was filled with all sorts of emotions today. Everything from anger, sadness, and true helplessness. As I can't see a clear path forward to resolving my situation and in the process I am clearly making no one happy. I can have rational epiphanies and I can also feel angry, because I am changing my entire life around to meet people's needs once again. I don't need an "at a girl," but I am quite sure the average person would have trouble juggling what I do. 

Despite my daily routine, I found a way to get Peter a few gifts. I can absolutely appreciate why he did not want to open them and taking a step back I understand the stresses he is living with.... full time caregiving, lack of freedom and control, and of course the one that isn't always discussed.... Mattie's death. Mattie's death is part of our daily lives, but on holidays and birthdays, his death hits us even harder. It forces us to see that another year has gone by, we are aging, and we do not have Mattie in our lives to brighten our future. As a future without your child is a bitter pill to swallow, not just on the day he died, but forever. 

Ironically to add humor to my day, my dad thinks Peter and I are in our 60s! He wanted to wish Peter a happy 62nd birthday! HONESTLY!!!! My dad has aged us dramatically and I corrected him. Though in his mind I guess 60 is very young!


We went out for an early dinner because we know by 5pm, my dad is wiped out and can hardly hold his head up. At the restaurant, Cheryl (one of our favorite servers), gave Peter a birthday card. The front of it says.... young man Peter and the sentiments inside were beautiful. 

Cheryl only knows a part of Peter and yet the part she sees is a good representation of him. I think Peter had to read these words and see what a difference he makes in the lives of others. To me these words make a very beautiful and meaningful gift. A gift that in essence helped to change the tone of our day. 


November 12, 2022

Saturday, November 12, 2022

Saturday, November 12, 2022


Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2003. Mattie was a year and a half old and was at his first fall festival. It was a bit overwhelming for Mattie, but one thing he gravitated to was the pumpkins. Each fall, we would have quite a collection of these orange orbs in our home from each of the festivals Mattie attended. 






Quote of the day: Here’s what I know: death abducts the dying, but grief steals from those left behind. Katherine Owen



While making breakfast this morning, I saw Peter walking by the window with this very large branch. Can you see it? Surrounded by trees, makes it a daily routine for Peter of walking around and collecting sticks and branches. Mattie would have absolutely love it, as he was a big collector of things from nature. 

Later in the morning, we took my parents to the farmer's market. My mom and I shop and Peter walks laps with my dad. As we are trying to get his step count up per day. What Peter and I observe however is the Ritalin prescribed for my dad is making NO noticeable difference. 



In 2018, we took this photo at the Mattie Miracle Walk. The woman in orange is Marisa. We have known her since she was in high school. She got to know Mattie when he was battling cancer and then after his death, she has run our bake sale at all of our events. She has become part of the family. 

This afternoon, Peter and I attended Marisa's wedding social. She got married in September in Italy, but hosted this lovely event for all her local friends and family. She got the best weather day, as this venue had an incredible rooftop terrace. Of course to leave home to attend this was a feat, but we were committed to making this happen. Having a few hours to ourselves was very needed, as I am very strung out and exhausted.

The drinks and hors d'oeuvres were excellent. They made a specialty drink for the wedding called an aperol spritzer. It was orange and to me it screamed out Mattie Miracle. Given that we only knew the bride and her family, it produced less stress on us to chat and make small talk with people. Instead, we sat outside, got fresh air, ate, and tried to unwind. A novel concept, as I never have a meal in peace anymore. 


The happy couple, Marisa and Andrew. We wish them a world of happiness.

Of course my lens is forever skewed. As I told Peter, I no longer look at happy events the same way. As I too was like this at one time. Getting married, with life in front of me. However, life had a different plan for us. It is hard not to feel bitter, isolated, and very different from the rest of the world. I certainly can now feel happy for others and at the same acknowledge my own path. I couldn't do this years ago, but despite this growth in myself, the outcome for me is still the same. 


November 11, 2022

Friday, November 11, 2022

Friday, November 11, 2022

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2005. That day we took Mattie to The National Geographic museum. A museum we never went to before and haven't visited since. I will never forget the visit, the fun Mattie had and upon exiting the Museum, I snapped these photos!


Quote of the day: In the garden of memory, in the palace of dreams ... that is where you and I shall meet. ~ Lewis Carroll


This afternoon, I took my mom to meet a new neurologist. She did not like the first neurologist I took her to, so I worked hard to find a second opinion. When I tell you it took over three months to get today's appointment, I am not kidding. Mind you my mom completed a battery of testing with the first neurologist, so I really thought today he would look at this testing and help us along with a plan of care. No such luck. Naturally he wants to do his own testing. Different tests altogether, and this doctor is far more evidence based. This doesn't surprise me, as he is the director of a parkinsonism clinic at a major hospital in our area. 

However, despite this doctor being competent, that is not the first thing you notice about him. What you immediately notice is he is conversational. He talked with us, is very humorous, positive, and has a good spirit of hope about him. I told him he reminded me of the famous doctor the movie Patch Adams was based on. Typically I have to admit, I find most neurologists, odd. They have trouble connecting and relating to human beings. He is the exact opposite. I have a long history with neurologists, so this isn't my first rodeo. 

He spent an hour talking with us. Correct, you read this right..... 60 minutes. How many doctors spend this time with you? I am sure there is a clinical purpose for this, but this fellow caught my attention today. He is collaborative and wants to respect our wishes regarding care and treatment. It turns out his whole office staff is lovely and they told me today that the doctor is an amazing person and boss. He always wants to help, has a great deal of positivity, and his personality is contagious. 

Any case, my mom's situation isn't clear cut. So we agreed to more testing: 1) a DaTScan, 2) a blood test, and 3) a cognitive test to focus on memory loss. 

Some elements of the standard in-office neurologic exam for Parkinson's Disease (PD) are very characteristic, such as:

  • decreased blink rate
  • small handwriting, that decreases in size as the writing continues
  • small, movements of the hands and the feet, worse on one side,
  • characteristic stiffness of the arms and the legs, worse on one side,
  • stooped posture
  • decreased arm swing on one side while walking
  • the characteristic walk in which the whole foot is planted flat at one time – instead of the heel being planted on the ground first
  • the characteristic way of turning by taking multiple steps and not pivoting

If there are enough of these features present during an exam, with or without a rest tremor, especially if coupled with a history of certain non-motor symptoms that typically appear before the movement symptoms of PD, such as constipation, loss of smell and REM behavior sleep disorder, the doctor will feel sure of the diagnosis. We had lots of questions today about smell and sense of smell. 

In 2011, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved an imaging test to help diagnose PD. In this test, a radioactive tracer, also known as DaTscan, is injected into the blood, where it circulates around the body and makes its way into the brain. It attaches itself to the dopamine transporter, a molecule found on dopamine neurons. Several hours after the tracer has been injected, special imaging equipment scans the head to detect the presence of DaTscan. This is a three hour long test, that I need to schedule for my mom on Monday. 

PET scans and DaT/SPECT scans examine the “function” of the brain rather than its anatomy. This is an important point because unlike in strokes and tumors, the brain anatomy of a Parkinson’s disease patient is largely normal. These scans can show changes in brain chemistry, such as a decrease in dopamine, which identify Parkinson’s disease and other kinds of parkinsonism.

The doctor showed up sample scans. People with PD will typically have a smaller signal in a part of the brain called the striatum, where the ends of the dopamine neurons are meant to be. Here is a normal scan on the left, which would indicate a healthy dopamine system, next to an abnormal scan on the right, which would indicate an unhealthy dopamine system.


In addition, we discussed memory loss. My mom really has no insight on her memory. However, today, she listened to my concerns and agreed to further testing. The doctor is encouraging her to go on a memory loss medication (based on testing from first neurologist), similar to the drug my dad takes. However, the doctor explained that this drug tends to have a better response in Parkinson's patients than Alzheimer's patients. Nonetheless, we decided to hold off on taking this until we get further data. 

Specifically the doctor discussed the Rivastigmine patch. So the drug he is proposing she take isn't an oral med, like my dad's. Rivastigmine will not cure these diseases (Parkinson's and Alzheimer's) and it will not stop these diseases from getting worse. However, rivastigmine can improve thinking ability in some patients with these diseases.

In Alzheimer's disease, many chemical changes take place in the brain. One of the earliest and biggest changes is that there is a decrease in a chemical called acetylcholine (ACh). ACh helps the brain to work properly. Rivastigmine is an acetylcholinesterase inhibitor. It slows the breakdown of ACh, so it can build up and have a greater effect. However, as Alzheimer's disease gets worse, there will be less and less ACh, so rivastigmine may not work as well.

After this long doctor's appointment, I drove back home to pick up my dad. I then drove them to Alexandria, VA to pick up our Foundation's holiday letter at the printing company. I think I almost have all the necessary parts put together to start this mass mailing. If I only had a workable database right now to print mailing labels. I am working on that, and given my current state of affairs, everything takes me longer. Once chores were done, I took my parent's out to dinner. My dad really prefers eating out than at home. I have no idea why, but it is definitely part of his pathology. I have to admit, today I was exhausted. But eating with him a show. There is no rest for me. I jumped up to the bathroom with him twice while at the restaurant, and I promise to spare you that details. In between bathroom runs, I manage his eating pace (so he doesn't choke) and his need for tissues. Somehow food and chewing triggers his nose to drip. It drips year round and he doesn't have a cold. Given his nose is like a hose, I carry small garbage bags with me, to capture his tissues. As I don't feel it is anyone else's responsibility to handle his dirty tissues. All I know is I deserve a break, but won't be getting one anytime soon. 

November 10, 2022

Thursday, November 10, 2022

Thursday, November 10, 2022

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2006. Mattie was four years old and the boys were dressed up to celebrate Peter's birthday. I love the fall colors in this photo and it should be no surprise why we chose orange to be the official Mattie Miracle Foundation color. It was a color that Mattie loved wearing! Not to mention the fact that Mattie LOVED eating anything made from pumpkin. When I reflect on our birthdays now without Mattie around, they are very different. Not just different because we are older, and there is the natural process of not making a big deal over birthdays. But without Mattie around, things are just not the same. We look at the world through a clouded lens. 


Quote of the day: Grief can derange even the strongest and most disciplined of minds. ~ George R.R. Martin


This morning two friends came over to work with Peter and me on opening up boxes and sorting all donated items, so we could provide equal donations to all three hospitals that we support (MedStar Georgetown, Children's Hospital at Sinai, and the National Institutes of Health). This is what our room initially looked like. 

Certainly Peter and I could do the sorting and organizing ourselves, but it was lovely to have adult conversation in the house. It was like a breath of fresh air. However, I must admit no matter how comfortable I am with the people visiting, I always feel stressed out because I am balancing my parents and their needs. 

I would say in about an hour, things were organized. This is SO SO different from our Fall Item Drive pre-COVID. Back then we would get thousands of pounds of candy and sorting it was like watching an episode of I Love Lucy! 

This stack of items is going to MedStar Georgetown, in Washington, DC. 
This stack of items is going to Children's Hospital at Sinai in Baltimore, MD. 
This stack of items is going to the National Institutes of Health. It is my hope that next week we can load up the car and begin donating the items to support our Snack & Item Carts at all three hospitals. 


November 9, 2022

Wednesday, November 9, 2022

Wednesday, November 9, 2022

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2006. Mattie was four years old and was in preschool. Every Monday, Mattie's class went across the street to visit older adults in a nursing care facility. You can see Mattie sitting on the floor with an orange shirt. It wasn't easy walking the class across the way to the facility and then trying to host an activity so that the kids and older adults could interact with each other. This connection fascinated me, which was why I volunteered every Monday in Mattie's classroom to help the teachers escort the children to the nursing home as well as help execute whatever activity the teachers had planned. I am so glad I made the time to do this, as these young little bodies brought great joy and life to these seniors and I appreciated observing what they learned from each other. 


Quote of the day: You’ll get over it.’ It’s the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever. You don’t get over it because ‘it” is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to? ~ Jeanette Winterson


I had an ophthalmology appointment this morning. This is not something I enjoy doing, but given that I have narrow angle glaucoma, I make sure to do my routine exams. My dad had his memory care program today, so I only had my mom in tow. I admit I do not like my eyes dilated, because it takes me a while to see normally again. Given that I am responsible for my mom and I was driving around, I felt extra cautious today. 

Once I got back home, my dad was there, as Peter picked him up from the center. A former student of mine called me yesterday and she left me a detailed message saying that she needed to talk with me. My life is complicated now and returning phone calls isn't easy. But I did call her and spoke with her for about an hour. However, if anyone could see what I was doing while also juggling this phone call, one would laugh. Midway in my phone call, I could hear my dad's recliner moving (it operates on a remote control), meaning that he had to get up to go to the bathroom. I literally put the phone on mute, and I helped him to the bathroom, changed him, and picked up poop, all while on the phone. I would love a minute to myself, where I am not juggling needs and demands. It would be fantastic to just be able to focus on one thing at a time, but this isn't my life. 

It is very easy to feel overwhelmed, upset, disgusted, and angry! Some days I can feel all these things at once. When my student (who is older than me) asked how I was managing my situation, my answer was.... one day at a time. Life has a way of bringing things upon you that you never asked for, you don't always get choices. The only thing you can control is your reaction to what is thrust upon you. 

My student is dealing with health issues and also multiple losses. She shared what close friends said to her about her grieving process. One person went as far as to say, "you shouldn't cry. It serves no purpose. You just move on." You can imagine how I felt about this sentiment and given that I have heard a variation of this theme, I know exactly how to respond. Such trite comments are platitudes, delivered to make the giver feel better, with no real regard to how the recipient may take such heartless words. As I told my student today, words do and can indeed hurt. They remain with us and though there are no visual scars, there are emotional ones and yes the wrong words can sever relationships. Which is what has happened with her. 

November 8, 2022

Tuesday, November 8, 2022

Tuesday, November 8, 2022 -- Mattie died 684 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. Mattie was five years old. That day we took Mattie to Roosevelt Island to walk around and explore. Along his journey he came across a crinkly hedgeapple (which he was holding). Naturally he picked it up and we took it home. We later cut into it, to examine it closer. It had a beautiful lemony fragrance. This photo was taken with Georgetown University in the background. It is somewhat eerie knowing that just a year later, Mattie was on that exact campus receiving cancer treatment. 


Quote of the day: I miss her all the time. I know in my head that she has gone. The only difference is that I am getting used to the pain. It's like discovering a great hole in the ground. To begin with, you forget it's there and keep falling in. After a while, it's still there, but you learn to walk round it. ~ Rachel Joyce


Since Friday is Veteran's Day and my dad's program is closed that day, his make up day was today. I would say for the most part my dad doesn't enjoy going to this program. He does carry a small notebook and pen in his shirt pocket so he can make notes about his day. However, he rarely uses it while at the center. The only thing he records is the type of lunch he eats! If you ask him what he did during his four hour stay at the center, he has absolutely no idea. The scary part about this is I have the daily schedule the center follows for his classroom. Even when I read off items listed on the schedule to him, (like a travel discussion of Puerto Rico) he has NO idea what I am talking about. He is adamant that they did not talk about Puerto Rico today. I have confronted the center staff about this because at first I thought they weren't following the schedule. I just have trouble accepting that my dad's memory is that bad! Surely if I could jog his memory for the daily schedule, he would be able to report back out about his day! But the answer to this is NO, NO, and NO. 

On some level I wonder what is a memory issue and what is a behavioral issue. Each day that he goes to the memory center, I review the schedule activities before he leaves the house. We then tell him to record one activity he did in his notebook. Despite reminding him, he never does it. Trust me when I say that I make a fuss over this request, I am not kidding, and I can't imagine that given how I pepper him about this three times a week, that he can't remember even one activity from the day. It is either his memory is that bad (which I know it is), or its a combination of that, with being totally disengaged and disconnected from others around him. 

I have had the opportunity to talk with other people caring for parents with dementia. I assumed they are all like my dad! I am learning they are not. Many people with dementia do like socializing to some extent and getting involved in activities. All I know is our daily existence is quite depressing, as it is very difficult being around people who are very self absorbed and in my dad's case would rather sleep the day away, and only be awake for meals. 

While my dad was at the center this morning, I sat down and started writing Mattie Miracle's November newsletter. I have a busy November, ahead because the Foundation has its item drive (in which items need organization and then be delivered), our Foundation has a mass mailing to loyal supporters, and I also must complete my continuing education credits in order to maintain my professional counseling license. This has been quite a year for me, and it has been impossible to accrue hours given all I am balancing. I have to admit there are times I say.... the hell with it! I just can't take on one more thing. But as Peter goes away to Boston for Thanksgiving, I am hoping to develop a night pattern, after my parents go to bed, of working on my CEUs. I just can't do it during the daytime hours, as I have no peace and quiet, and certainly no time to concentrate. Wish me luck!

November 7, 2022

Monday, November 7, 2022

Monday, November 7, 2022

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. Mattie was five years old and was in kindergarten. That day in school, Mattie lost a tooth. But my recollection was Mattie's tooth came out suddenly and it hit his friend, Tim. Mattie's teacher captured the tooth and taped it to this piece of paper. You can see Mattie's two eyes peeping out from behind the paper. 


Quote of the day: Here’s what I know: death abducts the dying, but grief steals from those left behind. ~ Katherine Owen


After I got my dad up, washed, dressed, and had breakfast, he then went to his memory care program. I had about an hour to myself to do some work before I had to take my mom to her physical therapy appointment. I constantly feel stressed out because I can't get a solitary thing done. I am trying to work on our end of the year mass mailing and it requires a lot of time and organization. An hour did not cut it today, and in fact when the hour was up, I felt so angry that I had to stop working. As I had just begun to get something done. But it is the story of my life now as a caregiver. I can't keep up with personal emails, phone calls, and work. It is my hope that people in my life understand. Yet not everyone reads the blog nor understands what I juggle in a given day. 

After my mom's therapy appointment, I took her to CVS, the bank, we did other chores and we got tea and snack out before returning home. It was a glorious weather day today and for a brief moment, I got outside with Peter and Sunny. 

It is hard to believe that Sunny is 11 and on chemo. He is a very happy and loving dog. He has been a part of our lives since 2016, and he has added such joy and love into our lives. 


November 6, 2022

Sunday, November 6, 2022

Sunday, November 6, 2022

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. That day I took Mattie to visit Peter at his office. Mattie took over Peter's white board and began drawing. As you can see Mattie drew a sun and a tree. Of course there was always a vehicle involved. But a tell tale sign of a Mattie picture was the sun. Which was why the sun became part of Mattie Miracle's logo.


Quote of the day: Grief changes shape, but it never ends. ~ Keanu Reeves


After cleaning up the breakfast dishes, I sat down to do brain games with my dad. Given that his doctor wants him to read, I have been trying to work with him on reading comprehension. The book I am using is at the 5th grade level. Not because my dad has trouble reading words, he can. But he retains very little information and can't process and put information together. So in essence the 5th grade reading level is very challenging for him. For example, today's passage (which involves about 8 paragraphs of information) focused on a young girl visiting the zoo with her parents and brother. While there the girl expressed interest in animals and how she'd love to be around them all day. The father suggested that his daughter talk to the zookeeper, a couple of feet away, to learn more about this job. So the family approached the zookeeper and the remainder of the passage, involved information the zookeeper shared with the young girl. The zookeeper discussed how she has a degree in zoology and that zookeepers do not teach the animals to do tricks. Zoo allow animals to behave like they would in their natural habitats. Also the purpose of doing tricks is for entertainment and that isn't the mission of the zoo. 

One of the reading comprehension questions was why don't zookeepers train animals to do tricks? A simple question, but for my dad, it was impossible. All he kept saying was that tricks were not in the zookeeper's job description. The more I kept explaining why tricks weren't taught by zookeepers, the more confused he got. I honestly thought I was going to put my head through the wall. No matter how easy and step by step I made the explanation, it did not matter. This truly gives me a greater understanding for his processing problem and memory issue. 

However with my dad it is very hard to tease out what is a cognitive problem and what is sheer disinterest. My dad is basically disinterested in about 90% of daily activities. The only thing he focuses on is food and basic needs. However our world is made up of more than eating and toileting. Unfortunately, my world revolves around these hourly needs.

This morning a teacher from Carderock Springs Elementary School in Maryland came to our home and delivered us three boxes of unopened candy. A very generous donation. The accumulation of items is significant and my hope is to organize it this week. 

Meanwhile, in between dealing with my parents, I am desperately trying to work on the Foundation's mass mailing. This mass mailing is one of our major fundraisers each year. Slowly we are working through the pieces, but now I am trying to clean up our database for this mailing. This is always a heavy lift every year. You would think I would have created a better system by now, but unfortunately now I am lucky I can keep my head above water.