Wednesday, July 24, 2024Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2008, literally days after Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. Peter and I were traumatized and we were trying to be strong for Mattie. That day we took him to Roosevelt Island, our safe haven, and brought Mattie's remote controlled toy boat with us. Mattie had a good time floating his boat in the Potomac River. Prior to Mattie getting cancer, I wouldn't have thought to allow Mattie in the mucky Potomac waters, but given the circumstances, it was merited. When I look at Mattie's body now, I see the typical body profile of a child with osteosarcoma..... tall and lanky.
Quote of the day: You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
This morning, after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I headed to the hospital for my first appointment with the breast surgeon. This was something my primary care doctor has been pushing me to do for over a year. This year, I finally gave in and made the appointment. I truly thought my primary care doctor was being an alarmist. Wow was I wrong! I got educated today, and realize she gave me EXCELLENT advice.
In 2015, I was diagnosed with Atypical Hyperplasia. Atypical hyperplasia of the breast is a noncancerous condition that occurs when breast cells increase in number and develop abnormal shapes. It is a sign that I may have an increased risk of breast cancer in the future. However, after having a procedure to remove these abnormal cells back in 2015, I literally put this whole notion out of my mind! I naturally get my mammogram each year, and thankfully they have been clean.
Today was a rude awakening. I learned because my mom had hyperplasia, I had hyperplasia, and very dense tissue, that this increases my risk for breast cancer. They actually did a calculation and told me that I have a 40% chance of getting breast cancer, compared to other women my age, who have a 9% chancer. I was listening, but I swear I thought they were talking about someone else.
The doctor was lovely and soft spoken. We spoke about Mattie, his diagnosis, and his death. I explained to the doctor that other moms, whose sons died from osteosarcoma told me years ago that there is a correlation between moms who have sons with osteosarcoma and these same moms developing breast cancer years later. That conversation always stuck in my mind, mainly because I had it right in the middle of the hospital hallway where Mattie was being treated. The doctor told me today that there is NO DATA confirming this link, but what she did say is that STRESS associated with a childhood cancer diagnosis, treatment and death have been shown to be linked to the development of moms getting breast cancer. When they say stress is a killer, we are not kidding. As we were talking, I was welling up with tears. My life is so full of stress, hurt, and uncertainty now. All I could think of is if I get cancer, I am alone. I no longer have Peter by my side. Then in my next thought, I said to myself, if I get cancer, I will hold Peter accountable. As I have never been at a lower point in my life.
Needless to say, I was going to have a mammogram on Monday, but she asked me to postpone it until October. Since I just had an MRI in June, she wants scanning to be further apart. So moving forward, I now need an MRI yearly, a mammogram yearly, a physical exam yearly, genetic counseling, and she talked with me about potentially taking a drug called Evista (used to treat osteoporosis), which has been shown to reduce the incidence of breast cancer by 50%. When I asked her about the side effects, my immediate reaction was NO! Possible side effects are blood clots, strokes, kidney disease (I don't need help in that department), muscle pain, hot flashes, etc. Once I shot that down, she then talked about more radical approaches like risk reducing mastectomies. Again, my answer was NO. Surgery comes with all sorts of complications and to me such an approach isn't merited with the data I currently have.
I learned years ago with a cancer scare in my cervix, that jumping to have a hysterectomy made no sense. I lived through over a year of scans every two months back then. At the end of the day, I made the right decision not to have a hysterectomy, because it turned out I did not have cancer, but a benign condition called Nabothian cysts. I am not saying that surgery isn't important for cancer patients, it most certainly is and it can save lives. I am just saying that jumping into surgery without a logical reason makes no sense. So this was today's realization.
I am not sure what shocked me more today. The fact that I am considered high risk, or the reality that I don't have my husband. That I lost my medical emergency contact and my list of losses and traumas just seems to be growing.
