Tuesday, February 25, 2025

Tuesday, February 25, 2025 -- Mattie died 783 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old. That day it snowed! Guess who wanted to go out and in it? Mattie loved being outside, it did not matter the weather! Mattie was fascinated by the snow and though I wasn't an outdoor kind of girl, I rose to the occasion with Mattie. Whatever interested Mattie, became my interests! To this day, I too prefer being outside. It is very freeing to be  surrounded by nature, and if I did not have Mattie, I am not sure I would have ever learned this important lesson. 

Quote of the day: No one ever told me how sorrow traumatizes your heart, making you think it will never beat exactly the same way again. No one ever told me how grief feels like a wet sock in my mouth. One I’m forced to breathe through, thinking that with each breath I’ll come up short and suffocate. ~ Sarah Noffke

This morning we had a visit from a nurse. She was coming to evaluate my mom for a needs assessment. We never met this nurse before but she prepared me that the visit was going to be around 90 minutes long. The nurse required a listing of my mom's medications and a list of her doctor's addresses and phone numbers. Believe it of not, my mom see about 10 different doctors on a regular basis. 

When the nurse arrived, she immediately reminded me of a friend of mine from graduate school. Turns out the nurse is Italian and therefore, all three of us started swapping stories. The nurse assessed everything, including my mom's memory. This is an issue I no long address with my mom. There are some things as a caregiver that you learn to pick your battles. I know what I know, and there is a fine line of knowing something versus trying to share the reality, which can cause frustration and embarrassment. My mom and dad, prior to dementia, were both sharp, intelligent, and gifted people. I remind myself often that they are still these things, but that their memories have been impacted. In any case, through today's assessment, my mom told the the nurse that it was April. She did not know her address, and was confused about other facts related to her medical history. 

We discussed physical issues my mom is facing and then she watched my mom walk and do other activities of daily living. What I do know is without my presence, there is no way either of my parents would be able to live independently. Which of course is a humbling reality for me..... as I face a future without my husband and my son. 

Any case, we survived the assessment. As soon as the nurse left, my dad's first question was.... what is for lunch?! Got to love him. Later on today, I decided to go to the basement. We have a TV there, which is not connected to the cable. I am sure there is probably a way to access the cable account remotely (maybe I have to download an app), who knows. But the TV has an Amazon Fire Stick. So I started playing around with it, and was able to connect to my Amazon account. Why did I want that to happen? Because I decided, I want to use the treadmill and elliptical machines in the basement. When we moved into the house we bought used machines. Since I rarely can leave the house and walk, nor do I really want to without Sunny, I decided to come up with Plan B. I am trying to do ONE thing for myself. Today was the first step to do something for my health and well-being. 

I was on the machines for 40 minutes and started watching a Hallmark movie. For me, Hallmark movies are my therapy. There is NO sadness and unhappy endings in a Hallmark movie. Which at this point is my speed and as much as I can emotionally handle. I am hoping that I can start a routine in the basement that will be beneficial for myself. Time will tell.

Monday, February 24, 2025

Monday, February 24, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2003. Mattie was invited to a birthday party. Believe it or not, I brought some of Mattie's favorite toys with us because transitioning to new spaces was challenging at times. So I brought his school bus and the stackable shapes you see in front to the other little boy. Mattie was 10 months old, taking everything in, and guess who got his piece of the birthday cake? ME! In this manner, Mattie and I were diametric opposites. I love sugar and Mattie hated it!  

Quote of the day: Some people's lives seem to flow in a narrative; mine had many stops and starts. That's what trauma does. It interrupts the plot. You can't process it because it doesn't fit with what came before or what comes afterwards. ~  Jessica Stern

When I dropped my dad off at his memory care center this morning, one of the staff greeted me at the door. She said good morning to me and my dad, and then once my dad was inside, she told me how lovely I looked. She particularly commented.... you do such a lovely and light job with your make up. I have to say I wasn't expecting to hear any of this, as my day typically is about one task after the other. For the most part, in so many ways I could be invisible. This morning's comment made me feel like I exist, someone notices me, and since my dad's memory care center understands the inordinate pressures and stress I live with, I really appreciated the kindness. It brought a smile to my face. 

Somehow her comment made me go back to when I was a pre-teen. Why? Because that was when I learned about the art of makeup. When I was around 12 years old, Saks Fifth Avenue accepted me into their make up and modeling course for young girls. This class met weekly and in the class we learned about how to use and apply make up and how to model clothes. After this course was complete, there was literally a fashion show at the store where we were observed by the public. I am not sure why this popped in my head, but that is how memories are, they can get triggered by all sorts of things. To this day, I remember one of the beautiful dresses I got to model on the runway! It was a lavender taffeta dress. With ruffles. I mention the ruffles, because from that day forward, I LOVED ruffles. To me they are just so elegant. In many ways, my life in New York was a happy period. However, at age 14, my dad's job relocated us to California. If I had to account for a time where the trajectory of my life changed, it was in that moment. 

Switching gears, this story showed up on my phone today......

Golden Retriever Reenacts Iconic ‘Dirty Dancing’ Moment with Favorite Stuffy in Adorable Moment

It features this cute golden retriever who is enamored with his Lamb Chop stuffed animal. It is his favorite toy. You have to see the video in the link, because this pup has a staring contest with this lamb chop doll. The article goes on to talk about how dogs can bond with one or two toys and can become protective over it. 

Sunny had a toy box. In the box were all sorts of toys that were either gifts or we gave him. But there was one toy that meant a lot to him. 

It was this red rubber squeaky bone. Sunny won this toy on the day of his good citizenship test. After the test, the instructor allowed Sunny to pick a toy as a reward. Sunny picked this toy. Do not ask me why Sunny gravitated to this toy and for the most part Sunny did not play with it at home. Yet if you should go and touch this bone, Sunny would quickly retrieve it from you, and reclaim it as his own. This bone meant some thing to him! I know it meant something to me, because together he and I trained successfully and achieved this certification! 

Did Sunny have a staring contest with a toy? NO! But like the Golden Retriever is looking at his sweet Lamb Chop, my Sunny, would stare into my eyes for minutes! Truly when Sunny first did this to me, you want to know what I thought? I thought Mattie was channeling himself through Sunny. This was a tell tale trait of Mattie's, we would touch noses and Mattie would stare deeply into my eyes. When Sunny did the same thing with me, I PAUSED! Can the spirit of a loved one be transposed into an animal? I don't know! Do any of us know?? What I do know however, was the eerie similarity between the stares!  

Sunday, February 23, 2025

Sunday, February 23, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2003. Mattie was 10 months old! He was sitting in his tot wheels and was zooming around the first floor. It always amazed me how Mattie could steer this big plastic thing around furniture and doorways and not crash into things! Take a guess at who Mattie was looking at? YES ME! Mattie kept track of me and I kept track of him! We were on the same wavelength, we had a strong connection, and we were very much alike.  

Quote of the day: Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin. ~ Danielle Bernock

I have been writing this blog since July of 2008. That is 17 years of writing daily! Throughout Mattie's cancer diagnosis, death, and on my grief journey I have yet to miss ONE NIGHT. Even when I went on vacation or was on a ship, my computer came with me always! That is because the blog is important to me. The blog serves many purposes.....

• It keeps Mattie's life, his antics, words, and activities alive and fresh in my mind. 
• It is my written memory of our life together. Time can be cruel to one's memory, which is why writing enables me to mother Mattie's memory. It is a daily nurturing, so that I WILL NOT forget the intricacies of my son. 
• It introduces people who do not know Mattie to my incredible son.
• It is an outlet for me to express my thoughts and feelings. 

However, since my divorce, writing is much more complicated and difficult. As I can not freely talk about the issues that plague me daily. There are some nights I get to the computer and I have SO MANY things I want to say, and yet can't. Tonight is one of those nights. Which is why I turn to these three videos of Mattie.

I tend NOT to post videos or even watch them. There is something very raw about seeing a video of Mattie, rather than a photo. Perhaps it is because I can hear Mattie and see him move, which makes the reality of his loss far more profound. Video or no video, I can still hear Mattie's voice in my head. I haven't forgotten what he sounds like! Which is a blessing. 

This was a video I took in the hospital around Mattie's birthday (April 4, 2009). Mattie's school counselor gave him this adorable card and I can't tell you how many times we opened it and listened to it during that hospital stay!

I took this video in December of 2007. Mattie was in kindergarten and that day, his school was having a Holiday event. Each of the grades performed in a choir concert for their families. Mattie had to memorize this song and I took a video of him that morning before taking him to school. The Holiday event was special and the children were required to wear more formal attire. That may not sound like a problem, but for me, it was like a crisis. A week before the event, I was scrambling to buy Mattie a jacket, dress shirt, dress shoes and a tie. Why? Because Mattie had sensory issues and truly did not like clothes that restricted his movement. So I was very worried that whatever I bought, he was going to hate. Needless to say, for the time period that Mattie kept the tie and jacket on, he looked adorable!  

Mattie wanted to learn to the play the piano. He gravitated to music. That day, while home between cancer treatments, he hobbled over to the piano and started to compose his own piece! This piano was given to us by my neighbor. When she moved, she did not have the space to take the piano. Instead, she gifted it to us with the hopes that Mattie would learn to play! To this day, I still have the piano! I just can't part with it. 

Saturday, February 22, 2025

Saturday, February 22, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2009. That day Mattie received boxes of Valentine cards from all four kindergarten classrooms at Mattie's school. In addition, a friend gave Mattie this huge lollipop! Mattie never ate it, he liked it too much and used it more like a magic wand! 

Quote of the day: There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds. ~ Laurell K. Hamilton

This morning, my friend who is also enduring a similar situation as mine, wrote to me. In her writings, she shared this photo. She provided me with NO context, other than this photo! It did not take me more than a second to know what was being conveyed to me.... deep sorrow, loss, and trauma. I responded to her immediately because I wake up and go to sleep totally relating to her feelings each day. In the process of writing to her I wanted to know where she found this photo, because I wanted to know if these sculptures really existed somewhere.

I came to learn that this is a sculpture entitled, Dark Elegy by Suse Lowenstein. She is a sculpture artist and created this deeply moving tribute of family members devastated by the loss of their loved ones in the terrorist bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland (1988). In fact, the artist's son was killed on this flight and like so many of us who have traumatically lost a child, she had to put that horror somewhere. She needed an outlet for this traumatic loss and grief. She used her creativity and in the process these sculptures became a therapeutic tool for many other family members affected by this attack. 

This sculpture consists of 75 larger than life figures (comprised of stone and fiberglass). It depicts the very moment in which these women learned of the death of their loved one(s) aboard flight 103. This sculpture is located in Montauk, NY. 

Here is a two minute video clip of Suse Lowenstein:

In Suse Lowenstein's own words:

"As a sculptor, it is natural for me to shape, form and translate my emotions into large human figures. At this point I started creating other figures in various expressions of grief, pain and rage. When other women who had lost loved ones on Pam Am 103 learned of my work, many expressed a desire to contribute to this project called “DARK ELEGY.” One by one they come into my studio, step onto a posing platform, close their eyes and went back to December 21, 1988, to that horrible moment when they learned that their loved one had died. They allowed their bodies to fall into the position that it took upon hearing that most devastating news. Some scream, some beg, some weep, some pray, some curl into a ball, while others raise their fists in anger and despair. This is the moment that I freeze in time. This is the pose that I shape into sculpture. I have asked the women to give me a small memento of their loved one which I then place into the sculpture generally into the heart area. Sometimes it is a show lace, a sock, and earring, a photo, a poem or whatever they wish. One day these items will be found and provoke thoughts and remembrance. Each figure is inscribed with the names of both the woman posing and that of the person lost. In this way each sculpture becomes a private statement. I believe that is is quite unusual for someone to portray such tragic, raw emotion, not as an outsider looking in, but sadly as one of those portrayed."

Clearly how this artist and I lost our sons is very different, yet the psychosocial impact is quite similar. It is a loss that consumes your mind, body, and heart. Not just on the day it happens, but forever. Observing each of the 75 sculpted poses, resonated with me. It is the honest and visceral depiction of catastrophic loss and trauma. A loss that brings you to your knees literally and figuratively and if you have experienced such intense emotions, then seeing each of these sculpted bodies individually or in totality, provides the immediate response....... I UNDERSTAND! THIS IS ME! 

I realize that Dark Elegy is a visual memorial to loved ones who died in the Pan Am 103 attack, but I would say it is art that is universal. It speaks out to all of us who have faced an indescribable tragedy, a horrific and unexpected loss, and a trauma that has transformed us in ways that words can not possibly do justice. When there are NO WORDS, thankfully there are such life works like Suse Lowenstein's that helps us illustrate to others that this is HOW WE ARE FEELING!

Friday, February 21, 2025

Friday, February 21, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2006. That day I visited Mattie's preschool class with homemade gingerbread houses. The children got to use royal icing to attach candies onto the houses. This activity was very well received by all the children. So much so, that other classrooms came into Mattie's room to participate in decorating the houses. Pictured with me was of course Mattie, his best buddy Zachary and his friend Nancy. Zachary and Mattie were inseparable, starting on day one of preschool. I got to know Zachary so well, that he was almost like a second child to me. When Mattie was diagnosed with cancer, that did not stop their special bond. Instead, Zachary learned to accommodate to Mattie's needs and they found a new way forward. I learned a lot from these two friends. 

Quote of the day: There are only four kinds of people in the world: those who have been caregivers, those who are currently caregivers, those who will be caregivers and those who will need caregivers. ~ Rosalynn Carter

Today is National Caregivers Day, a time to recognize and honor caregivers and the important work that we do! The Providers Association for Home Health & Hospice Agencies, PAHHHA, established the third Friday in February as National Caregivers Day in 2015. They aimed to dedicate a day annually to recognize and appreciate caregivers everywhere. The first celebration of the holiday took place in 2016. 

If you know a family member or friend who provides care to a loved one, THANK them today! I would say that family caregivers are the unsung heroes in our world. We do tasks around the clock, without payment and without positive feedback. 

AARP put together this two minute video highlighting all that family caregivers do in any given day! I found it moving. 

To learn more about caregiving, check out: Caregiving in the U.S. 2020 - AARP Research Report). Some caregiving facts.....................

• One in five Americans (21.3 percent) are caregivers, having provided care to an adult or child with special needs at some time in the past 12 months. This totals an estimated 53.0 million adults in the United States, up from the estimated 43.5 million caregivers in 2015.
• 1 in 3 caregivers of someone age 65 or older reports the presence of Alzheimer's or dementia.
• When a caregiver provides care to someone with a memory problem, they are more likely to help with getting in and out of beds and chairs, getting dressed, getting to and from the toilet, bathing or showering, feeding, dealing with incontinence, tasks more frequently rated "difficult" when caring for someone with memory loss.
• Nearly one in five (19%) are providing unpaid care to an adult with health or functional needs.
• More Americans (24%) are caring for more than one person up from 18% in 2015.
• More family caregivers (26%) have difficulty coordinating care up from 19% in 2015.
• More Americans (26%) are caring for someone with Alzheimer’s disease or dementia up from 22% in 2015.
• More Americans (23%) say caregiving has made their own health worse up from 17% in 2015.

These four graphics from the AARP report caught my attention. I go about my everyday tasks and most of the time, I am not absorbing just what a face alone on any given day. Maybe because this isn't my only trauma and heartache I face. However, this bar graph shows me at the high end of caregiving, with over 41+ hours weekly! The average caregiver works (without pay) for about 23 hours a week, helping a loved one. 

Family caregivers (which are family members providing care) on average help a loved one with 1.7 activity of daily living tasks listed here. I do all six tasks daily! All for my dad and some for my mom.

With regards to instrumental activities of daily living, I manage ALL 7 for both parents. 

Given the hours I provide care and the intensity of tasks, I fall in the high intensity group of caregivers. 

This graphic is truly interesting and yet NOT surprising to me. When family caregivers are asked how many have outside support, only 31% report to have such help. The remaining 69% are like me. 

Caregiving is NOT a new role for me. I come from a long line of caregivers and I believe I learned the art from my maternal grandmother! I have a dear cousin who has devoted her life to being a caregiver and therefore if you think there is a genetic component to being a caregiver.... perhaps that is true! Caregiving is in my blood. If I see a person in need, my immediate reaction is to HELP! I have been like this since I was a kid! In high school, I never left school on time. Why? Because I was sitting and listening to friends and acquaintances. From an early age, people naturally felt comfortable talking to me. I take that as a high compliment and I can't think of a better role in life than helping other people. You never know what a smile or kind word can do to a person struggling or having a bad day. 

Is caregiving difficult? 100% YES! It requires putting your own needs, desires, and freedom on hold. When Mattie had cancer, I can't tell you how many people recommended that I take a break. That I care for myself and get rest! I did not listen! I did not want to live with any regrets. Mattie was my number one priority and I will always be at peace knowing that I made that choice. Once Mattie died, did I get sick? ABSOLUTELY! I was worn out, fragile, and constantly ill for months, if not years. So I am well aware of the toxic level of stress I am dealing with from both caregiving and the dissolution of my marriage. All I can say is I am cognizant of it and take it one day at a time. 

To all my fellow caregivers, my hat is off to you. I admire you greatly and may you always know the incredible difference you are making in the lives of those in your care.  

Thursday, February 20, 2025

Thursday, February 20, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in 2007, on Day #107 in Mattie's preschool year. That day Mattie got to bring in several items from home that he wanted to share with his classmates. You can see the red legs of an Elmo doll on the table behind Mattie, along with a jack in the box next to Elmo. These were the toys Mattie wanted to show the class, primarily because Mattie LOVED Elmo. But this Elmo was battery powered. So, Elmo danced and sang! The jack in the box, also had motion and song. I will never forget the excitement of that day! Mattie learned so much at this preschool. He learned the art of making and keeping friendships, Mattie learned the art of sitting still and listening, not to mention taking turns. Mattie was born on, and was curious, and inquisitive. His preschool understood this and natured these wonderful skills. To this day, the moms I met at this school are still some of my closest friends. It was a tender and special time in our lives. 

Quote of the day: I learned there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, others come from behind. But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me. ~ Dr. Seuss

When we bought this house in 2021, the former owner put in a lovely fountain by the porch. I love the sound of a fountain and I try to take good care of it throughout the year. Since I do not know how to shut down this fountain for the winter, I decided to buy a bird bath warming coil. This coil gets plugged into our outside socket and runs throughout the winter. This coil enables the fountain to NEVER freeze! What I have found is that the birds love the fountain, even in the winter time.

Today was the FIRST day I saw countless Robins in the fountain and all over the yard. I view this as the sign of hope.... spring is coming! 

Literally there were Robins in the front yard and all over the backyard. 

Guess who was very engaged over the Robin sightings? YES Miss Indie! She was practically running around from window to window to catch a glimpse of these birds. As silly as this sounds, the antics of Miss Indie brightened my spirit today. 

Maybe it was the grey day, the fact that it was freezing, or just my day to day existence, but today was a down day for me. When I feel this down, I literally can't see a way forward. Naturally I do not have the time to truly focus on this feeling, because I am pulled in twenty different directions on any given day. But if I wasn't caregiving, then what? I have a lot of then what's in my life now! 

I just can't come to peace with what has happened to me and I can't accept that this is what my future holds. I did not get married at age 25, with the thinking that I would age alone. I got married and had a child because the notion was this was going to be my future. How do we course correct, when every aspect of our life falls apart? I may have done it once when Mattie died, but I just don't have it in me now. 

Wednesday, February 19, 2025

Wednesday, February 19, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old. That day we took him to the Natural History Museum in Washington, DC. Mattie was looking up at the huge 11 ton African Elephant in the Museum's rotunda. Look at Mattie's expression. To me it was absolutely priceless! Looking at the world through Mattie's eyes is something I will never forget. 

Quote of the day: Courage isn't having the strength to go on, it is going on when you don't have the strength. ~ Napoleon Bonaparte

Today, I came across this article, Women who are deeply unhappy but too strong to admit it usually display these habits, says psychology. The title caught my attention, so I naturally kept reading! The article highlights how many women around the world have a hard time openly talking about their unhappiness. Honestly women juggle so many things now a days, that it is quite easy to feel overwhelmed and unhappy, and who has the time to truly focus upon it? This is a common thread that I think ALL women face! Which is why I think this article is worth perusing. 

The article goes onto to say that women who are deeply unhappy, but too strong to admit it, often exhibit certain behaviors. Six behaviors to be specific and they are:

1. They are perfectionists
2. They avoid social gatherings
3. They're overly selfless
4. They lose interest in things they once loved
5. They have trouble sleeping
6. They constantly feel tired
7. They hide their true feelings

You want to know what I thought of these six behaviors? I thought they were spot on! I exhibit all six! However, what I also quickly assessed, is that these same six behaviors can be exhibited in anyone facing and coping with loss and trauma. So which came first..... the unhappiness or the loss and trauma? In my case, it is multiple losses and traumas, all wrap around each other, culminating in my intense unhappiness. These six behaviors weren't earth shattering to me, but they do call out a word I haven't used to describe myself... UNHAPPY!

My mom was on Facebook last week and saw people talking about pasta frittatas. My first reaction was, WHAT? This is not something I grew up eating and neither grandmother ever made such a thing. I looked up the pasta frittata and its origin is Naples, Italy. It was a meal that evolved after WWII, when food was more scare, yet people did not want to waste left overs. You literally can throw left over pasta, meats, and vegetables into a pasta frittata. I stuck with something more basic tonight.... a pasta frittata with prosciutto and parmesan cheese. 

This is an easy meal and my dad had three helpings. So it was a hit! The next one I want to try is this one!

Tuesday, February 18, 2025

Tuesday, February 18, 2025 -- Mattie died 782 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2008. That weekend we took Mattie to Roosevelt Island. A park we visited regardless of the season or weather! It was so close to home and Mattie loved it! I tried to save up bread for Mattie, so that when we visited the Island, we would have a supply. Mattie loved feeding the ducks! 

Quote of the day: Your friends will believe in your potential, your enemies will make you live up to it. ~ Tim Fargo

This morning I met with the electric company and had to notarize a document about the placement of this large transformer box. Truly, you can't imagine how big this box is, until you see it for yourself. Two weeks ago, I learned this big box was going to be installed along my front property line. Meaning, though it wouldn't be on my property, it would be very visible from all my front windows, not to mention an eye sore from the street. It was just happenstance that I learned about this box placement. I will always be grateful to the contractor on-site who chatted to me and my neighbors about this installation. In any case, after a lot of advocacy, this box is now sitting among trees and bushes, camouflaged from view. I am very grateful to the team lead that met with me this morning, who listened to my concerns, and thought outside the box about preserving the natural beauty of the property. 

When I came home with my parents this afternoon, I felt something was off! You know that feeling, that something is different, but what is it??? As I approached my driveway, I noticed this box with a yellow sticker. This box wasn't there this morning! So naturally I contacted the electric company as I want explanations regarding this splice box. A box I did not know was going to be installed, and installed on my property no less.  A splice box houses and protects wire connections (splices) between different electrical cables. Not only do I now have the box, but I have dirt all over the place in piles. 

So I await answers!

Later today, I went out to the backyard to pick up fallen branches and sticks from the wind storms we have had over the last two days. Mind you, a large bin just like this one was picked up by our trash service today. I can't keep up with the fallen debris! 

There are some days that I just seem to get by, managing tasks, bills, caregiving, and issues. Then there are days when I really miss my life, or what I thought my life was like and was going to look like in the future. I miss so many aspects of my life and it is a feeling that is hard to convey, probably hard to listen to or to even understand. Which is why some days I am mad, some days I am sad, and some days I don't see a way forward. Yet I have to pull it together, because tomorrow will be somewhat of a repeat of today.  

Monday, February 17, 2025

Monday, February 17, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2009. This was what a typical physical therapy session looked like for Mattie. Truly incredible if you think about it! In the conga line (from front to back) was: Mattie, Jenny (Mattie's art therapist), Denise (Mattie's social worker), Jessie (Mattie's art therapist), and a physical therapy intern. The hand you see on the left holding the IV line was Anna, Mattie's physical therapist. Truly I have NO IDEA what I would have done without these incredible ladies. To this day, I still communicate with Jenny, Denise, and Anna. That is how significant and lasting a bond we created under the worst of circumstances. Through Mattie's cancer journey I learned so much about people, true friendships, and courage, and I witnessed the extraordinary feats of compassion that we experienced every day from our care team and Team Mattie. 

Quote of the day: It’s your reaction to adversity, not adversity itself that determines how your life’s story will develop. ~ Dieter F. Uchtdorf

It was a busy morning in my house! My dad's physical therapist had a session with him today. My dad has three different therapists that work with him, and this particular therapist typically works with my dad at his memory care center. Therefore, I do not get to see their sessions. But today, the session was done at our home! I have to tell you, I was stunned by what I was seeing. My dad was walking at a quick pace, was alert, and did not tire out from therapy. This is a night and day experience than I have with my dad, and what I observe during my dad's in-home sessions with his two female therapists. Today's therapist was a man, and I am not sure if it is a gender thing or what, but my dad was compliant and energized. Ironically this therapist says this is how my dad is when he works with him. Which led us to question..... why isn't he like this with the rest of us????? When I walk with my dad or ask him to do anything physical, it is like he is walking through taffy! Everything is labored and he gets out of breath. Which was why today was glorious to see, because this was the energy level I saw my dad at in 2021. It is possible today was an off day, but this is NOT what the therapist reports!!!!

While juggling the therapist, I had our landscaper visit. I have a team of two men that I work with to help me care for the property. I had Steve over today because I couldn't get the outside lights to work. The lights you see here have been off for over a year, making it very dark outside. I had my electrician look at this problem in the fall, and he felt that it would take him hours to trace the lines alone, to figure out the problem. He recommended me to contact my landscaper. You want to know how long it took for Steve to identify the problem? Try five minutes. Within minutes, he found the wire that had been chewed through by a chipmunk! When my Sunny was alive, we had NO squirrels or chipmunks in the backyard. Mainly because he would chase them right off the property! But without my herding dog, all the critters are back!

I can't tell you what a glorious sight it is to see the backyard lit up again... and then there was light! It feels like a miracle. This is today's blessing! 

Sunday, February 16, 2025

Sunday, February 16, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2009. I snapped this photo because to me, Mattie was the ultimate multi-tasker. He was eating a donut, while playing with this cars and toys. There were actually several big pots on the floor filled with water, as Mattie loved water play. Truly he was a remarkable fellow, because despite how sick he was, he was still smiling! So much can be learned from Mattie. 

Quote of the day: She stood in the storm, & and when the wind did not blow her away, she adjusted her sails. ~ Elizabeth Edwards

I sometimes lose faith and wonder, does God love me? Or why am I being challenged over and over again? There are no answers, but as one of my dear friends reminds me, God is always with me and the reason I haven't crashed and burned, is because he IS watching over me. When she tells me this, it always makes me pause, to absorb what she's saying, and to consider that this maybe a possibility. 

Today was another difficult day. On top of all the other issues I balance, my dad has irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). Typically I deal with non-stop bowel movements, but today, I was faced with his constipation. Truly the combination of IBS and dementia is diabolical, because my dad gets fixated on an issue and it becomes so overwhelming to manage. I tried getting him to drink more fluid and to walk, in hopes that he would go to the bathroom, but the only thing that accomplished was more emotional agitation and his non-stop moaning. When I tell you moaning, I am not kidding. Of course, between myself and Mattie, I have faced just about every medical crisis. 

When Mattie used to get sick, prior to his cancer diagnosis, I had to give him Tylenol suppositories, because he refused oral medication. Therefore, I became an expert in administering suppositories. Fortunately for me, because today I administered a Dulcolax suppository to my dad. This is not a first for me with my dad. I have given him suppositories and an enema in the past. Perhaps I missed my calling and should have been a nurse! Nonetheless, I am like a walking pharmacy, and keep all sorts of things on hand. Thankfully, because without this intervention today, I am quite certain I would have had to take my dad to the hospital, like I did in 2020, when he developed an impacted colon. 

Each day provides a different sort of crisis to manage. It isn't just managing the constipation, but it is managing the emotions, fear, pain, and anxiety that comes with it, from both my dad and my mom. Literally by 2pm today, I was frazzled. But of course I had the rest of the day to navigate. 

At one point in the day, it was actually warm. I went outside, picked up sticks and branches and replaced burnt out light bulbs in our landscape fixtures. Then I was able to complete the Foundation's newsletter and put together documentation for taxes. Whenever I can accomplish something, it is a celebration. 

There are times I wonder, will I have the strength to face another day? This is not a feeling that is new to me. As I endured the impossible before when Mattie was diagnosed with cancer, but now I am older and have less support. It is a hard existence and the problem with this is I see no hope for a future. The future I envisioned is gone and course correcting now feels like a herculean task. The best I can do is take it one day and crisis at a time.