Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2006. Mattie was four and a half years old. That Christmas, we went with my parents to Deerfield Beach, FL. Mattie loved sand time and building big structures with Peter. These creations got so much attention that other people's children would join in on the fun. Now when I post photos with Peter in them, I wonder..... where did he go? How is it possible for me to experience him one way, but he has a whole other inner life going on? I WANT ANSWERS and yet the only one with the answers is HIM!
Quote of the day: Narcissists withhold affection to punish you. Withhold attention to get revenge. And withhold an emotional empathetic response to make you feel insecure. ~ Alice Little
Do you think it is possible to react to my situation with Peter on a cognitive level and yet on the emotional level feel something completely different? I think for most people reading my writings, your cognitive and emotional reactions are probably the same.... Disgust and Disapproval! After all these congruent thoughts and feelings make sense. Someone hurts someone else in the most raw and demeaning manner, then it is human to feel hatred!
What happens when the cognitive and the emotional do not line up??? Then you have me. It is very frustrating for those closest to me to see me rationalize what is happening to me and to be angry, and at the same time, feel empathy, concern, and love for Peter. It is hard for others to accept that I could still love Peter after all he has and continues to do to me. As I remind my mom often, emotions and feelings aren't always rational. It is also hard for me to erase the Peter I thought I knew and loved from my mind. To me, I have looked for all sorts of explanations for what is going on. Truly I have thought about brain tumors, mental health issues, and psychological coercion. My brain can't fathom the notion that there are two Peter's. The one I fell in love with and knew and the inner Peter that he hides and conceals from me and the rest of the world.
It is a constant tug of war going on within me on a daily basis. I think it is a lot easier for others to be aligned cognitively and emotionally on this because that is just it.... you weren't married to Peter. I devoted my life and heart to this man for 35 years. I saw the tender and compassionate sides of Peter, which I know are a part of him. I know what he is capable of, and I know he can be better than the shell of a human being he is now. But such transformation would require three things: 1) to gain independence on his own (yes a second divorce!), 2) to admit to his behavior and undergo intensive therapy, and 3) to make amends to those in his family that he has hurt. To me without all three of these things, Peter's quality of life will be forever doomed. Why do I care?? Because I do! I may be one of the only people on this earth that truly cares about him as a person.
Over the course of this week, I have learned about more lies and deception. What is crucial about learning this information is that it shows me that I have to stop beating myself up. As I have been taking responsibility for our current financial situation, thinking some how it was my fault. What I learned yesterday is it isn't me. I knew this intuitively but facts don't lie. I can't tell you how awful it feels knowing that Peter knew I have been beating myself up, and yet he allowed this to continue knowing fully that this isn't because of me! I find that cruel. I have been beaten down figuratively since he walked out on me in September of 2023, and the Vicki that once existed has died.
The Vicki that remains is someone who finds it easier not letting others in. I find that I have to be solely responsible for everything, because I will never allow someone else to have knowledge about something that affects me, without full transparency to me. But overall what is most painful is that others have trouble understanding and accepting that I live with the dissonance of being angry regarding Peter's cruel behavior and at the same time loving the man I thought I knew and married. My existence is hard enough, but not feeling accepted for how I feel makes me distraught. Add to that if someone wants to pathologize me, you are going to get great push back from me. You survive my nightmare, caregive 24/7, and balance what I am facing and then we will talk. The fact that I manage the impossible each and every day, is a testament to my strength NOT to having pathology.
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