Sunday, May 1, 2011

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Peter and I took Mattie to the Air Show at Andrews Air Force Base. Mattie had a great time that day exploring the different aircraft and actually touring inside some of the planes. We were all blown away by the Thunderbirds air show, though Mattie found the sounds and the crowds at times overwhelming. 

Quote of the day: The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next. ~ Mignon McLaughlin


It is funny to think that I have known Peter for over 20 years, and despite the fact that we understand each other well, there are aspects about grieving in which we are not always communicating on the same plane. Since Peter is in Kenya, we landed up chatting back and forth through email today. He was expressing his concern for how I was feeling and wanted to understand which particular stressor has caused me to have another physical flair up. He listed a whole bunch of issues I am dealing with now and as he was listing them he realized that in total it was a lot to handle. The irony is in my response to him, I included more items to the list of stressors such as Mattie's birthday, Easter, Mother's Day, and the pending Foundation Walk. In fact, I would say April and May are challenging months. But my point is despite how well we know each other, I can't expect Peter to be a mind reader. He knew that Mattie's birthday and Easter were challenging, but maybe not to the full extent. No fault of his own, I just haven't spoken to him about them. Naturally if someone doesn't verbalize a concern, we assume that it isn't a problem. However, for me that isn't always the case. Sometimes with things that are most difficult or stressful, I avoid talking about them altogether. Nonetheless, I am certainly thinking about them.

In one of our many email exchanges today, Peter shared with me a story about a katydid. Peter wrote, "I had a nice breakfast outside on the 1st floor (which is the equivalent of the 2nd floor in the US) on a covered balcony overlooking the pool. I read the paper, listened to birds, and there was a massive kadydid that suddenly sprung to the floor right near my table. This thing was over three inches long and was the largest I have ever seen by far. Once landed, it positioned itself so it was staring at me. I of course, thought of you know who, as there were no other bugs of any kind that appeared before or after this kadydid. It sat with me for about an hour, just staring at me, repositioning, and was fearless. All the waitstaff who came by never disturbed it. The same kind of yellow bird that I saw in Rwanda, also came by and tried to grab it as a snack, and this kadydid turned and fought off the bird for about three minutes. The bird finally gave up and left, and the kadydid returned to its focus on me. So, I'm re-reading this description and thinking that some people might read this and think I've completely lost it. So take the story for what it is worth, but it was an unusual encounter, and so I am open to these types of things, if not for the sheer uniqueness of it, but for also the hope that in some way it is a type of reconnection."



I spent the entire day at home and was glued to the computer. I was working on the hospital script that I have been telling you about. I will be delivering this script in front of hundreds of doctors on May 20 at the Georgetown University Hospital. The purpose of parents speaking is to give doctors a first hand account for what it was like caring for a child with a major illness and the importance of including the entire family in the care and treatment process. This event is well organized and rehearsed and therefore they require parents (3 of us are presenting) to write and read from a script. The script must be preapproved however. The deadline to submit the script was last week, so I felt compelled to sit down today and write. After working for eight hours straight, I was able to submit my first draft. I am sure edits will be needed, but it is a good feeling to have something concrete down on paper. In addition to my presentation, Mattie's technology teacher, Mary, is helping me put a four minute video together of Mattie. I want the doctors to have a chance to see pictures of Mattie and understand the consequences of his death. Sometimes the best way to have an emotional impact on others is to literally show pictures timed to music. The music I selected was actually given to me, after Mattie died, by Mattie's preschool director's daughter. The song is entitled, I'll Remember You, and though it wasn't a song the public would know, it is a very moving and heartfelt song, that when timed to the pictures makes a visual statement. I am so thankful for Mary's expertise and help, because I think messages are move powerful when you can use both words and pictures!