Saturday, March 8, 2025

Saturday, March 8, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2003. Mattie was 11 months old and that was his first trip to Los Angeles to visit my parents. Since Mattie loved his "tot wheels" walker so much at our home in Washington, DC, my parents got him one for California. Mattie loved the California weather and zooming around my parent's property! It is amazing how different my life looked then and how naive I was to multitude of the hurts and losses I would be facing in the future. Sometimes I wonder, if we knew what was going to happen in the future, would it change how we lived our lives?

Quote of the day: If the wounds on her heart and the bruises on her soul were translated on her skin, you wouldn’t recognize her at all. ~ Verona Q

It was another red letter day on the Farm! I have had a very difficult week managing my dad's irritable bowel syndrome. On Thursday, he was struggling with constipation. Which was hellish and it took me all day until I finally got him to go to the bathroom. Today was the exact opposite problem. My dad had five accidents, one being in the shower. I was constantly cleaning him and all the surfaces around him today. In fact, he had a physical therapy session, and right in the middle of the session, he had a bathroom accident. Ideally it would be lovely that while his therapist is visiting, I could be off the clock for an hour. Unfortunately that just isn't the case because the therapist and my mom can't handle these bathroom problems. 

I recall over a year ago, my dad's doctor telling him and me that bathroom issues are the number one reason people are institutionalized. Fortunately for my parents, I am not squeamish and I have a strong constitution. Because I agree with his doctor, what I am doing is not for the meek and my dad is not a small body to manage. 

When I started writing Mattie's blog, it was obviously about Mattie. About his daily journey and struggles with cancer treatment. Not to mention how my family was facing the psychosocial stresses of a cancer diagnosis. When Mattie died, the blog could have ended. But it didn't. Instead, I pivoted to talking about living with the intense grief of child loss and the impact on my family. The blog still incorporates this forever loss into my writings, but what has happened over time is that Mattie's blog, became the blog of Mattie's mom. 

My life has been guided by caregiving and providing support to numerous people. Would everyone feel comfortable talking about the challenges of caregiving? Talking about irritable bowel syndrome? Maybe not! But here's the thing, caregiving and all the issues associated with it are REAL. These are facts of life. Whether you are a caregiver now, whether you have been one, or will be one in the future..... talking about these human issues is important. I do not claim to be the ONLY caregiver out there struggling or managing the impossible. Quite on the contrary, all family caregivers who are managing a loved one face countless hurdles and challenges each and every day. It is the hardest job ever to perform, it is typically undervalued, and definitely there is no financial compensation or tangible benefits from the role. 

But caring for someone is a privilege and a calling. At the end of the day, I have to live with my decisions and actions and be satisfied that I gave it my all. I learned early on that you don't want to live with regrets. Which is why I give everyone in my care, my 100%! In the process of sharing my stories, it is my hope that other caregivers reading my words understand how much I value you, admire your decisions, and commend how you are leading your life. It is very hard to forego your own needs and it is a balancing act finding ways to care for ourselves. 

As I mentioned previously on the blog, no day for me is without a crisis. Besides managing the IBS issues, I also got an alert from my health insurer telling me that my upcoming Prolia shot (for bone density) was denied. Truthfully, this shot is more of a hassle than it is worth. Every six months, I face issues with this prescription. I was on the phone with my health insurer today for an hour. They couldn't tell me why the prescription was denied, but part of me thinks it was denied because I haven't seen the specialist who orders the drug. I was supposed to schedule an appointment with this doctor in August of 2024. Even though it was in my calendar to do this, I forgot to follow through. This is the second doctor appointment I have blown off, which indicates that I am on overload and clearly my needs are non-existent in my house. 

So on Monday, I am calling my doctor's office about this shot. This is NOT my favorite office to interface with, and my doctor's nurse and I have gotten into it with each other numerous times. Any case, back to advocating I go, but I am just tired. I would love someone to look after me, to have my best interest at heart, and help me juggle the thousand tasks and stressors that I face. That was the beauty of being married, as I used to be one of two people working together to manage the many ups and downs of life. Things are always better when shared! I did not chose to be single, I chose to be married when I was 25 years old. Now facing the world as one again is an adjustment that I may never get over.  

Friday, March 7, 2025

Friday, March 7, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2003. We took Mattie to Los Angeles to visit my parents, while I attended a conference nearby. Mattie was 11 months old and it was his first plane trip! Mattie took to flying like a duck to water and was awake for the entire flight. In this photo, I bent down to try to take a picture of Mattie and this was his reaction! His reaction was he wanted to grab the camera!

Quote of the day: Unlike simple stress, trauma changes your view of your life and yourself. It shatters your most basic assumptions about yourself and your world — “Life is good,” “I’m safe,” “People are kind,” “I can trust others,” “The future is likely to be good” — and replaces them with feelings like “The world is dangerous,” “I can’t win,” “I can’t trust other people,” or “There’s no hope.” ~ Mark Goulston

I have come to the conclusion that I am running a business. I do not produce, sell, or advertise anything. Instead, I am running a three ring circus, but unfortunately it isn't an entertaining as Barnum and Bailey. Keeping my household up and operational is a feat. This week, I tackled another issue I was uneasy about. What? As silly as this sounds, I had to call a company about getting our septic system pumped out. 

Remember for the most part I am a city girl! As a city girl, we are used to SEWERS! But out here in the suburbs of Washington, DC, most people have a septic system, because there are NO sewers. I know the county mandates that a home's septic system gets pumped out every five years. But given that we are home all the time, I consulted my plumber. He told me his rule.... you pump your septic system every election year! I LOVE IT! Something I can remember!

So I put my brave hat on and called a septic company, that I had researched a while back. A woman answered, and not just any woman, but a kind and helpful one. She walked me through the entire process, and even gave me the history of how often our septic system was pumped out by the previous owner! All fascinating. 

Any case, next week I am balancing:

1. having my stone walkways repaired (as many of the stones popped up over the winter due to the snow and ice), 
2. my landscaper is coming because all the scrubs in my front yard have snow burn (delightful) and I think they are dead, 
3. the septic people are coming to clean out our system,
4. the company that buries cabling will be digging trenches to lay permanent lines (as a recap, due to construction in my neighborhood, my cable was cut to our house. For over a month, we have been using a temporary cable that is running above ground. Literally the cable is going through my neighbor's front yard, driveway, and over to mine). 

If this was the only thing I was balancing, that would be fine. But it is on top of my already full plate. Today my mom and I went out to lunch with a friend of mine. Being social for me is hard. As tonight's quote aptly points out, what I am enduring has changed me. I was once a person who loved going out, meeting with friends, listening, sharing, and being engaged with the world. I no longer feel this way! I feel VERY different from most people and therefore it is safer to be alone. I now have multiple strikes against me that separate me from those I know. I lost my son to cancer, which is an issue that makes most people jumpy on a good day, but now I have also lost my husband. Not by choice, either. So this further divides me from my friends who are married and have children. 

While at lunch today, I reflected on the fact that my maternal grandmother (who lived with me while I was growing up), lost her husband to colon cancer when she was in her fifties. In addition, my grandmother's second child died from sudden infant death. I knew these things as her grand daughter, but I was a child at the time, and the true ramifications of these losses were lost on me. Until now. Now I understand these profound losses all too well. Unlike me, my grandmother wasn't the kind of person who dwelled and reflected on such deep emotions. It could have been her or this could be the result of her generation. I am not sure, but she faced so much loss, and yet if you interacted with her, you wouldn't know it. You would think she was the happiest person around! But what I do remember hearing while growing up was that my existence transformed my grandmother's life. We had a very close bond and perhaps this bond helped her have a new purpose in life and experience love in a different way. I mention this because I understand the importance of our connection in a much deeper light now.

What I do know about myself is that I have been left so emotionally fragile that I can't handle hearing about normal lives, reflecting on happy times, or investing in any one else's life. The scary part is, I can't see this feeling changing or life getting any better. I am very upset over what has happened to my marriage and if it is possible to drown from the inside out, then that is happening to me. 

At times this feeling of drowning is so overwhelming that I can feel a panic attack coming on. Panic attacks are not new to me. I got them after Mattie died. Back then I was devastated and couldn't function in the world. The only way to manage the panic attacks was walking and more walking. Some days I walked over ten miles and I struggled with these panic attacks alone. I had no one helping me and I did not seek counseling. Instead, I walked for months. Finally in my walking I was able to develop an internal dialogue that helped me understand that I was okay, that whatever feeling arose, wouldn't last forever, and I learned how to sit through a panic attack. In fact, if I am having an attack and you are with me, you most likely won't notice. 

I some how survived after Mattie died. I am not sure how, but it took time, I had my husband and we found our way through this tragedy together. Then of course Mattie Miracle was born, and that was my second baby, or my baby's legacy. Mattie Miracle has been my compass for many years and now that the Foundation started our Wishes and Therapy grants, I get to personally interface with families, which I love. But the reality is I wake up, go through my day, and then go to sleep with the same disillusionment, same confusion, and same heartache as I mourn the loss of my marriage, of the person I knew and loved for 35 years of my life, and for the future which is no longer possible. 

Thursday, March 6, 2025

Thursday, March 6, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2008. That day we took Mattie to Roosevelt Island. Truthfully it did not matter what the weather was like, with Mattie we were outside year round. Roosevelt Island was about five minutes from our home in Washington, DC and it was the BEST BACKYARD for an adventure! It is still hard for me to believe that four months after this photo was taken, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness. ~ Peter A. Levine

I had worked myself up so much last night over the backyard lights, that I had a hard time staying asleep. I could fall asleep, but just couldn't stay asleep. I think I finally got to sleep at 3am and of course had to get up at 6:15am. When things arise in the house, I do panic because I fear I won't be able to manage the problem or afford to manage the problem. I can't believe that I have gotten to this stage of my life, and I am facing so many major stressors. The one good thing to report is my new outdoor extension chord arrived today and I set it up and the lights are ON! I have to keep reminding myself that I am resourceful and that I saved myself an electrician bill to solve this problem!

This morning my dad's physical therapist came over for a session. I truly wanted to run chores while she was here, but I know that with my dad's bathroom issues, the therapist and my mom can't manage him. Today's session was a disaster. My dad has irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), on top of his dementia and other health issues. IBS has different forms and my dad has all of them. Today, he was constipated, which in my house is like hell on earth. Because of his dementia, my dad becomes fixated on having to go to the bathroom, and there is no peace. It is so stressful helping him at times that it takes all the resources I have to keep it together. My dad was running to the bathroom every five minutes during his therapy session, because his brain was telling him he had to go. But of course once he was there, he did not go! 

There is nothing to explain the cause of his constipation and I would go so far as to say that his diet no longer impacts his IBS. Instead, I would say it is a daily problem, and after several hours of this today, I was truly frazzled. Frazzled from his angst, frazzled from his moaning in pain, and just plain frazzled. 

About two weeks ago, I started an exercise routine in my basement. I haven't done it as consistently as I have wanted, but I do continue to do it when I have a moment. For me, motion and movement are my therapy, which is why I am looking forward to warmer weather as I can be out in the garden. In addition, I have decided to take on staining and sealing our deck, so wish me luck with that chore too! Some times there aren't enough hours in the day, and given that I have spent my entire adult life married, I always could share tasks, issues, and stressors with my other half. It is a major adjustment facing life alone. It isn't how I chose to spend my life or my future, and I would like to say that with time my brain and heart have accepted this reality, but that would be inaccurate and a lie.  

Wednesday, March 5, 2025

Wednesday, March 5, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2008. I will never forget this moment in time. Mattie came home from kindergarten and that afternoon we went outside to our commons area for him to fly his kite. Our commons area was absolutely perfect. It was enclosed and accessible to only residents, and the wind blew in just the right way to make it an ideal condition to fly a kite. We accomplished a lot together in this commons area..... Mattie learned to walk, fly a kite, ride a bicycle, play with our resident Jack Russell Terrier (who belonged to our neighbor), and drive his ride on vehicle, Speedy Red. 

Quote of the day: You have to understand that PTSD has to be an event that you experience, a very traumatic event. And actually, there is evidence that brain chemistry changes during this event in certain individuals where it's imprinted indelibly forever and there's an emotion associated with this which triggers the condition. ~ Dale Archer

I was going to write about something completely different tonight, but then as I always say.... NO DAY IS COMPLETE FOR ME WITHOUT A CRISIS.

I had just finished making dinner. I spent time chopping up olives, tomatoes, and artichoke hearts and made a very tasty pasta tonight. I was in the process of getting my parents to the dinner table and serving dinner, when I happened to look outside the window. I SAW NOTHING. I saw nothing because half of the lights in our backyard weren't working. 

Let me clue you in, when dealing with someone who is traumatized like myself, the littlest things can set us off. The reaction may not be in line with the problem! I can immediately go into panic mode because I constantly live in fear that things will happen that I can't fix or control. This is not just some unfounded reality in my life that has led to this anxiety but instead it is anxiety that exists as a result of multiple traumas. 

I went outside with my flashlight and saw this red light staring back at me from the electric GFCI outlet (a safety device that detects imbalances in electrical current). Typically there is no light on or a green light, so I knew there was a problem. I tried pressing the reset button of the GFCI, that accomplished nothing. The light remained red. So I went back into the house and looked at the circuit breakers. One was tripped, so I reset it. I went back outside, hoping that would have solved the problem. It didn't! I assure you at that point, I began to panic. I panic because I always worry.... how I am going to fix this and how costly will this fix be? 

Okay, I did not give up there! I tried to brainstorm the problem. I unplugged both of the transformer boxes that serve as timers to the outdoor lights from this GFCI. I then took a phone charger chord from inside the house and plugged it into this outlet to see if it would work! It did! So what that told me was NOTHING was wrong with the outlet or the GFCI (after I had reset the breaker and pressed the reset button on the GFCI). So clearly this was a multi-pronged problem!

So then I examined the transformer boxes near the GFCI. I noticed that they were connected to the GFCI outlet through an extension chord (pictured here). I ran back into the house and found another extension chord, brought it outside and reconnected the transformer boxes to a new extension chord. Voilà, it worked!

Then there was light! A glorious sight!!! My plumber says I am learning so much on my own that I am becoming a plumber, and now apparently I can add electrician to the list. 

Circuit breakers, resetting GFCIs, replacing extension chords and reprogramming the transformer boxes for the outdoor lights..... this all occurred after dinner. The problem with my day is this is NOT the only task or issue that I manage. I manage so much from the moment I get out of bed until I go to sleep at night. It is exhausting, it is NO WONDER why I am frazzled.  

Tuesday, March 4, 2025

Tuesday, March 4, 2025 -- Mattie died 784 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. That afternoon, we took Mattie for a walk down to the National Mall. This was the beauty of living in the city, we could walk out our door and be in and amongst all the national monuments and activity. It was a glorious spring day and I brought a loaf of bread with us, as Mattie loved to feed the birds. Needless to say, Mattie made a lot of feathered friends that day! I can picture this moment like it were yesterday, when I thought my family would always be intact. 

Quote of the day: You must remember that your story matters. What you write has the power to save a life, sometimes that life is your own. ~  Stalina Goodwin

This morning I received a message from a friend. As we were talking about issues, she mentioned the term Post-Traumatic Growth. As this was a term she was recently introduced to and wanted to share it. I unfortunately am quite familiar with the term. Hearing it is like petting a cat backwards. I absolutely despise the term. To me it is a Pollyanna, sugar coating placed on a very life altering and painful situation. I hate to break it to the research community, but some situations do not provide growth and they can't be wrapped up in a pretty bow! 

So what is post-traumatic growth? It is a theory that explains this kind of transformation following trauma. It was developed by psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun in the mid-1990s, and holds that people who endure psychological struggle following adversity can often see positive growth afterward.

To evaluate whether and to what extent someone has achieved growth after a trauma, psychologists use a variety of self-report scales. One that was developed by Tedeschi and Calhoun is the Post-Traumatic Growth Inventory (PTGI). It looks for positive responses in five areas:

1. Appreciation of life.
2. Relationships with others.
3. New possibilities in life.
4. Personal strength.
5. Spiritual change.

Given this whole concept sets me off, I decided to do a search on the Internet to see if this term is controversial or has been disproven in some way. Turns out, I am onto something because research is now indicating that post traumatic growth may be associated with a higher risk of mental illness. NO SURPRISE TO ME! To learn more, check out the Complicated Truth of Post Traumatic Growth. 

Leading this research is Dr. Eranda Jayawickreme, a psychology professor at Wake Forest University. He mentioned there is an intuitive appeal or I would say a hope that from a trauma experience we can put it into context, learn, and grow from it. That there is a reason for our suffering! But as Dr. Jayawickreme delved into the Post Traumatic Growth research, he found serious flaws in the concept. 

Dr. Jayawickreme’s main concern, is the scientific method behind the research and the way that post-traumatic growth is most commonly measured. He does not doubt that some people experience a positive transformation after trauma, but believes that these research flaws have led the research community to overestimate how likely such growth is to happen. 

One issue is the phrasing of the survey items. Almost all studies use the “Post-Traumatic Growth Inventory” (PTGI), in which participants are asked to consider a series of statements describing potentially positive changes and then report how often they have experienced them, from 0 (“I did not experience this change as a result of my crisis”) to 5 (“I experienced this change to a very great degree as a result of my crisis”).  As Dr. Jayawickreme says, “You can't report a change for the worse." This could prime people to report growth, as participants may be reluctant to circle 0 for every single question.

I think we are all individuals and that translates down to traumatic experiences as well. Some of us may want to look at the positive, to evaluate and reflect on growth and others of us, may find this difficult. For me defining the multiple traumas I have faced and associating any of them with growth is offensive. I think it is impossible to talk about trauma without talking about distress and perhaps resilience but maybe those of us faced with trauma should just be supported whether we are reporting distress or growth (or both at the same time) without imposing a narrative or JUDGMENT on our recovery. 

Monday, March 3, 2025

Monday, March 3, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. Mattie was home between hospital visits and that day he wanted to out onto our deck and play in his sandbox. Naturally I was concerned about Mattie doing this as he had a Broviac catheter (a type of central venous catheter that is surgically implanted into a large vein in the chest. It is used to provide long-term access to the bloodstream for administering medications, fluids, blood products, and performing blood tests) hanging from his chest. I was always paranoid about this catheter getting infected, tugged or pulled. But I did not want Mattie to stop being a child.... so out he went and we even brought out a space heater because we did not want Mattie to catch a cold (another deadly sin when on chemotherapy). Though Mattie couldn't walk, he made the most of what he did have, and truly this is a learn that I continue to absorb on my hardest days. 

Quote of the day: Your healing is about you. It doesn't need a stamp of approval. It doesn't need to make others comfortable. It's about you. It's personal. It's worth everything. ~ Yasmin Mogahed

I posted tonight's picture above, because today I was in my old neighborhood in Washington, DC. I took my mom for her hair and nail appointment. Could I go to a salon closer to my current house? Probably! But I don't! Instead I return HOME! The city was my home for over 20 years and I used to love my old neighborhood and life. In any case, I have been going to this particular salon since I was in my 20s. Back then, the salon was in its hay day. It had photos lining the walls of famous movie stars and politicians who frequented the salon and each of these photos was personally autographed. This may sound odd, but this was something that was done in the past at both salons and restaurants. A by gone era if you will. 

I have known my manicurist for years. I met her through my hairstylist. So in essence I have known this family for decades. We practically grew up together, shared many ups and downs of life. The funny part is my manicurist calls me her "therapist." Which of course is a joke, since I am NOT her therapist. But I listen and I care! Any case, she was catching me up about her life today, and she told me how she was reunited with someone in her family. I have been predicting that this day would come for YEARS! I remember when I first made this prediction to her, I said.... mark my words, you both will reunite again, because you both at the core love one another. She did not believe me at the time, as there was great hurt that resulted from their connection. But today, about 8 years later.... guess who was right???? That is right.... ME! Don't ask me how I knew this would happen, but since I intimately knew and understood the situation, my gut said it would happen. No I am not clairvoyant, just perceptive and read people very well. 

It was the day of dealing with all sorts of crises from my health insurer changing my name. They made my first name my last name and my last name my first name. NO I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! So I had to address this immediately and find out where this name change request came from! From there, I had to manage my mom's health insurer, discuss financial issues, pay Foundation bills, and the list goes on. 

In the midst of my usual juggling act, I looked at my phone and what popped up in my news feed today caught my attention, an article entitled, 11 Subtle Signs Of A Woman Who Has Been Through A Lot In Life, According To Research. It is scary when your phone seems to understand YOU!

On an aside, when I look at myself now in the mirror, sometimes I do not recognize myself. I look worn out, exhausted, and the person I once was, no longer exists. This article lists 11 signs, highlighted in research, that a woman who has been through a lot, and they are:

1. She has disproportionate reactions
2. She seems more mature
3. She's hesitant to ask for and accept help
4. She doesn't trust others easily
5. She's always prepared for the worst
6. She's incredibly empathetic and understanding
7. She's occasionally loyal to a fault
8. She's sensitive to shifts in body language and energy
9. She finds joy in the little things
10. She's not interested in making new friends or being incredibly social
11. She may adopt different personalities around different people

When I look at this list everything applies to me except #11. I am who I am, NO MATTER WHO I AM WITH. But #3 and #4, seem worth highlighting, as I view them interrelated. At an early age, I learned the art of being independent. Why? I am not quite sure. Was it because I was an only child? Maybe. Was it because I moved across the country at age 14 and lost my core group of friends? Maybe. Was it because I had many people let me down and therefore I saw the only one I could rely upon was myself? Maybe. Certainly given my current situation of seeing my marriage of almost 30 years dissolve, I can assure you whatever previous issues I had with asking and accepting help have only been magnified. 

What I know is that I am deeply distraught and emotionally hurt on every level. I put my trust and love into a relationship that I thought I would have for the rest of my life. I do not give TRUST away easily. If I let you in, it is because you have proven yourself to me to be reliable, honest, and to have my best interest at heart. Now that I face probably the worst betrayal of my life, I am quite certain asking and accepting help is NOT going to happen now or into the future. It has further entrenched me to my original philosophy..... I have to be self reliant and rely on NO ONE. Which is why tonight, after a year of therapy, I decided to terminate it. I think the only reason I sought therapy to begin with was because others thought I should. Reminds me of when Mattie died, I got a lot to advice but all of it was misplaced and I am afraid based on ignorance! But I know me and I know when something is helpful and when it isn't! Since I deem therapy ineffective for my level of heartache and trauma, I decided to follow my gut instinct tonight. 

Following your gut instinct is actually very freeing. Terminating therapy is probably one of the most empowering things I have done this year, and trust me I have had to do all sorts of things that were new to me in 2025 like purchasing a health insurance plan and paying for a membership to get 24/7 tech support. Terminating therapy means to me that I am trusting my instincts, and what I know to be true. NO ONE can solve my hurt, anxiety, and fears. Solutions take time and I have to be the one who directs these steps, in the meantime, I live and breath #5. Each day I wake up and wonder what shoe will drop today? What crisis will arise, or what fire will I have to put out? As the article astutely points out, these are all the signs of a woman who has dealt with A LOT in her life. If you come across a woman in your life with some of these signs, think twice about what she is facing. It may not be a reaction to YOU, but instead a by-product of her life's circumstances. 

Sunday, March 2, 2025

Sunday, March 2, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. Mattie was in the child life playroom and this Wii video game was set up for him. It was a competition between him and his nurse, to see who could do the better yoga pose! What you may not understand by looking at this photo was the fact that Mattie was unable to walk or truly stand independently because of his limb salvaging surgeries. So though this was a game, it was also part physical therapy. It was amazing sight to see how gingerly Mattie moved in order to achieve this pose and how determined he was to participate! 

Quote of the day: The most difficult wounds to heal are those whose scars go unseen to the eye. They are marks upon the soul that you carry through existence until it becomes your master… or you become theirs. ~ Madison Chase

This morning, I was greeted by a message from a friend. She is reading a book about heartache, and one of the passages described the author's trip to a tea shop. The author was discussing her anxiety and her non-stop focus on the dissolution of her marriage. However, when she went into the teashop, her goal was to use her senses and absorb the environment around her, in order to have a mental break from her anguish. Literally my friend took snapshots of the pages she wanted me to read. 

In any case, the author recounts for her reader the experience she had in the teashop, how she was concentrating on her teacup, savoring the fragrance and the taste of the tea and the flavor of the muffin she was eating. She also observed the people coming and going into the shop. She was noticing what they were wearing, the colors on their clothes, and the sounds they were generating by walking passed her. What was the purpose of this sensory experience? It was a simple mindfulness technique that can be used anywhere! You don't need 30 minutes, you don't need a quiet space, you don't have to be out in nature, you just have to BE!

Normally, if someone tells me to mediate, be mindful, or relax, they are going to be met with either a look from me like they have two heads, or I will verbally push back on you. Stillness, quiet, calm, and relaxation are NOT words to describe Vicki! Therefore asking me to be "mindful," is like asking me to run my nails along a chalk board! It isn't going to happen. 

However, the way this author described her experience within the teashop resonated with me. It wasn't like she was discussing mediation, what she was highlighting to me was one of my favorite coping mechanisms.... DIVERSIONS AND DISTRACTIONS. Except these distractions were very intentional and involved concentration. I am okay with that and I liked this passage I read so much, that I plan on trying it when getting tea with my mom. 

Anyone who has experienced heartache of any kind knows how all consuming it can be. It is like a vicious cycle, you are constantly thinking about it, it invades your mind, body, and spirit. The more you try to avoid it, the more pervasive it is. Which is why the author's point about taking breaks from this chaos is important, and I would imagine as these breaks become more successful and familiar, the hope is that the angst, anxiety, and sadness the heartache produces lightens over TIME, MORE TIME, and MORE MORE MORE TIME. 

All of this may sound hokey or it may interest you. But focusing on the senses is a proven mindfulness technique for handling anxiety, by taking someone out of their panicked thoughts and bringing them into the moment. It also helps interrupt rumination, when your brain decides to gnaw on one particular thought for longer than is necessary. If you are like me and on the fence about this, think about the examples below with hearing, touch and sight. Will any of this slow down our overloaded brains? I don't know, but it is easy and worth a try. 

1. Hearing --Focus on one sense at a time. Hearing maybe one we first gravitate to, so for example imagine making a cup of tea. Listen to everything—the whisper of the boiling water, the clank of the spoon as you put it on the counter, the splash of the water as you pour it into the teacup, and the splat of the teabag as I drop it into the cup. By paying attention to the sound of things, it can cut the mind chatter that rattles through our heads.
2. Touch -- Pay attention to your feet as they touch the ground is a common technique, and a very effective one to help ground yourself. Going back to the cup of tea, you can also notice the feel of the cup in our hands and the heat from the tea as you drink it. If you’re wearing something comfortable, paying attention to the clothes against your skin (something you don’t even think about, usually) can be surprisingly centering. 
3. Sight -- We’re constantly focused on sight to get around, so it can be tricky to be mindful of it since it’s a perpetual stimulus. But one thing that can work is focusing on colors. You can focus on one color at a time, noticing all the red things in a room, for example. Or you can notice each color in individual objects—a blue cup on a white counter, next to a silver knife with a black handle. Observing colors helps you notice things, instead of skimming past them, which helps keep you in the present moment.