Saturday, March 15, 2025

Saturday, March 15, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. Mattie was home between treatments. Since Mattie was unable to get to water, we brought the water to him. In pots, bowls, and basins. Mattie absolutely loved water play and anything that was going to bring Mattie joy, I would was going to do. In fact, I would say that with Mattie I learned early on to appreciate his creativity and the mess or antics that came with it.  

Quote of the day: There are some things in this world you rely on, like a sure bet. And when they let you down, shifting from where you've carefully placed them, it shakes your faith, right where you stand. ~ Sarah Dessen

I would say that tonight's quote is spot on. By the time we get to adulthood and have had long term, and committed relationships, we develop a mindset of those we can trust, those we can rely on, and like a mathematical geometry equation that has givens, certain people become important facets or the cornerstone of our life's foundation. When this cornerstone is altered or removed, then our whole outlook, our safety, and understanding of the world can crumble. This is basically where I am at. When Mattie was diagnosed with cancer, I was forced to face something else that I did not understand.... how does a child develop cancer? Or why does this happen? Then of course why did Mattie have to die? All questions that have no answers! In Mattie's case, I was mad at the disease, but at no time throughout that journey, did I ever question the love we all felt for each other. That was a constant, a core, our foundation. I would say it is an undying love, as I still write this blog today. 

But how do I rationalize not being married now? What happened to my life and my future? These are questions much harder to grapple with and in the midst of dealing with this daily devastation, I am also caregiving. It is like the perfect storm. When you are caregiving for people who need constant support and guidance, then there is very little time for yourself. I am caring for my parents, but at this point in time, the tables have been turned. I have become the parent and I have to make all the important, rational, and sound decisions for all three of us. I do not live with someone I can bounce ideas off of, who can support my many emotional needs, and of course can provide direction and hope for the future. Yet each day, I know I can't crumble, I can't fall apart, because then our household would flounder. 

So instead, I manage the day through tasks. That may sound counterproductive, but actually there is routine, structure, and consistently to tasks. All things needed to cope and manage through trauma and loss.  

Friday, March 14, 2025

Friday, March 14, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. Mattie went through many food phases while on chemotherapy. There was the donut phase, the Utz potato chip phase, the vanilla shake phase, and there was a chicken finger and French fry phase. Needless to say, whenever Mattie felt like eating, we ran around to make it happen. For the most part, once Mattie was diagnosed with cancer, his appetite disappeared. Mattie was always lanky (ironically most kids who get diagnosed with osteosarcoma have the same body type), so he truly did not have much weight to lose. By the time Mattie died, which was 14 months after diagnosis, he was emaciated. 

Quote of the day: Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time. ~ Thomas Edison

It has not been a good week. After dropping my dad off this morning at his memory care center, I went grocery shopping. I got home, put groceries away, did three loads of laundry, and then thought..... I better flush the sump pump. I have to do it every three months and my plumber taught me how to do this. It requires that I use a hose and place it in our outdoor basement drain. I was worried about doing this, because I never know if I am going to screw something up. But ironically the flushing of the sump pump was easy, it was everything else that was a nightmare. 

Over the winter, I stored the backyard hose in the shed. So in order to flush out the sump pump, I had to get the hose out and attach it to the water spigot. When I opened the shed, I was greeted with a disaster. A racoon is living in the shed. Things are chewed, poop is everywhere, and frankly the whole sight was devastating. It is indicative of my life. I am the one who always has to do the hard jobs! Truly I was ready to flip out, but it only got better. I attached the hose to the spigot and instead of it expanding it kept contracting. So my beautiful Copper Bullet hose (that I bought last year) is now a piece of junk. The racoon gnawed on it! Make a long story short, not only is the hose not working, but I broke the hose caddy trying to detach the broken hose from it. 

So in addition to dealing with the hose, I have a bigger issue to contend with..... ONE, I have to clean out the disgusting shed, as it looks like a rodent's den! TWO, I have to fix the shed doors, which are disintegrating and not closing properly and THREE.....................

I need to hire a carpenter to fix the doors and the gaping hole in the back of the shed. That is how the racoon is getting in and out. You can see his scratch marks on the wood. If Sunny were around, this racoon would NEVER be on the property! It is just overwhelming to face one issue after the other alone. 

If dealing with caregiving, the house, and other problems are not enough, tonight I started going through items from my marriage. As things need to be packed up that do not belong to me. I can assure you that I am not a stranger to doing TOUGH things. I am the one who had to go through Mattie's belongings. It was not an easy process, and after Mattie died, I was so traumatized that I did not touch his belongings for five years after he died. At the five year mark, the only reason I had to address his things was because our home looked like a warehouse. Literally I had art work, toys, and things in piles! I felt it was not a good tribute to Mattie's memory and I worked hard to clear out his bedroom, so that I could display and highlight his amazing art work and life. 

It was a cleaning out process that I had NEVER wanted to do. Now once again, I am faced with another cleaning out process that I NEVER THOUGHT I would have to do! There is something very heartbreaking about going through tangible items and truthfully what I have had to do and what I am going through now I wouldn't wish on anyone. 

On an aside, today I went to the bank. Our bank is a special place. Everyone inside knows me, as they have been helping me with countless things since my separation. While chatting with the tellers today, one of them happened to say.....  tough times never last forever. She was talking to me and the other teller, who is also a caregiver. Some days I can handle such platitudes, but today wasn't such a day. In a kind way, I told her that there are actual things in life that you just never get over and then I told her about Mattie. Needless to say, I have a feel she will think twice before saying that platitude again. 

Thursday, March 13, 2025

Thursday, March 13, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. Do you think that some people can attract others just by their sheer presence in the world? Mattie was that kind of person. His energy, spirit, and personality were contagious and this was not an atypical day in his SMALL hospital room. The fellow sitting on Mattie's bed is Brandon. Brandon and Mattie were diagnosed with cancer around the same time. Though Brandon completed treatment by that point in time, he would come back to the pediatric unit often to visit Mattie. Mind you Brandon did not live close to the hospital, he was at least an hour away! Though Mattie and Brandon had a 12 year difference between them, they understood one another, and Brandon was an amazing friend to Mattie. In fact, on the day that Mattie died, Brandon came to the hospital and sat with us. We had an impromptu wake (if you will) in Mattie's hospital room, and Brandon was there with us the whole time (keep in mind that Mattie had died, but he was lying peacefully in his hospital bed while we surrounded him in a circle). 

Back to the photo, on the floor, next to the door, is Meg. Meg was a child life intern. Meg and Mattie were like two peas in a pod. Meg knew how to inspire Mattie, and she became his physical therapy buddy during sessions. She was the only one who could motivate Mattie to walk and do races in the hallway. He loved competing against Meg and she did a great job hamming it up. I will never forget Meg, or Mary. Mary was sitting in the chair, opposite Mattie. Mary was a child life volunteer, who wanted to go to medical school. She was a bright bulb, had wonderful energy, and was one of the few volunteers Mattie allowed in his room. To this day, I wonder what happened to Mary, and I wonder if Brandon, Meg, and Mary know that their presence in our life mattered and made a huge difference to our day to day existence. 

Quote of the day: Someone who has experienced trauma also has gifts to offer all of us - in their depth, their knowledge of our universal vulnerability, and their experience of the power of compassion. ~ Sharon Salzberg

I truly wonder why some people enter the medical profession. My saga with getting access to Prolia continues from yesterday. I have so much going on, that I would love a doctor and her office to actually advocate for me and have my best interest at heart. What I have concluded is I need to find another doctor to support my bone density issues. 

In the last 24 hours, this is what I have experienced at my doctor's office:

• I was told I couldn't receive Prolia anymore because my health insurer won't pay for it. 
• My doctor's office was ready to prescribe me Reclast. Another shot but it is a bisphosphonate. NOTE, I am allergic to bisphosphonates. Fortunately I know this!!!
• When I refused Reclast, I was then offered two other injectables. Both have a safety warning associated with them, as osteosarcoma developed in some rats during testing. 
• My health insurer wants answers to certain questions. The doctor's office will not respond to this request. 

Truly what I am dealing with is mind numbing, incompetence, and a setting off many ethical red flags. It is very clear I am allergic to bisphosphonates, so why prescribe me one through an infusion? It is a total disregard for me as a patient. Read my chart, look at my history. What if I wasn't keeping track of my own health, and what if I couldn't advocate for myself? I worry about other patients on a daily basis who are fighting this system alone! 

In a nutshell, my doctor's office called me today to follow up. The nurse argued with me, saying that she administered my shots to me last year in the office, and billed this drug as a pharmaceutical benefit with my health insurer. Here's the problem with this.... I haven't received the Prolia shot in my doctor's office since 2023. All of last year, I went to an infusion center instead. A center that my doctor's office recommended and to add insult to injury, this same nurse sent my scripts to this infusion center in 2024. SO HOW ON EARTH DID THIS NURSE NOT KNOW THIS? She was the one filling out the script and sending it to the infusion center. Even if she did not remember because she cares for many patients, shouldn't this information be in my chart? I am now wondering if she is working with a full deck. As of today she is now sending a new script to the infusion center, which bills this drug as a medical benefit to my health insurer. Let's see what happens now. All I know is that this nurse refuses to submit an appeal letter to my health insurer, answering the questions asked by the insurer. Needless to say it has been an infuriating process and getting access to medication shouldn't be this difficult. 

Later this afternoon, I took my parents out to lunch. While at lunch, I had my eye on a man who was acting in an unusual manner. He was walking around the restaurant taking photos of spaces and even videoing the food, the drinks, and went up the coffee area and examined the bag of coffee beans. He took the bag with him. At one point, he came over to my table and started talking to us. He could hold a conversation, but had very grandiose ideas.... such as he was friends with the Russian President and told me he is a great pianist. He was all over the place, some of what he was saying was based in reality. In any case, as he kept on talking he was looking to pick a fight with me. NOPE, not going there. I learned early on when faced with someone with a delusion, you DO NOT confront or challenge the delusion. Instead, you listen and empathize. After which, he then moved along and left the restaurant. 

I have no judgment what so ever about this man. What I do know however, is we live in complicated times, where so many of us are faced with instability in our lives, financial insecurities, losses, betrayals, and trauma. Under the right circumstances, any of us could be faced with a mental health crisis, and yet the power to listen, to allow someone to feel heard, and to show compassion to others is something we can freely do, it is the power of being human. Something that we need to remind ourselves daily, because how we react and treat one another matters and has mental health consequences. 

Wednesday, March 12, 2025

Wednesday, March 12, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. That afternoon we took Mattie to the circus. Mattie's art therapist helped us secure boxed seats, which was perfect, so that Mattie could be away from germs associated with crowds. We purchased all sorts of things for Mattie, including this elephant that lit up and twirled and a light up sword. Mattie truly enjoyed the excitement of the circus and I loved watching Mattie having this special experience. It was an afternoon I will never forget. 

Quote of the day: Sometimes success is simply being willing to give it your all. ~ Amanda Beard

As a recap, for three years now, I have been taken Prolia. Prolia is a bone density drug. It is administered through an injection, twice a year. I was put on Prolia because I have osteoporosis in my neck and hips. Prolia is a monoclonal antibody medication used to treat osteoporosis and bone loss. It works by inhibiting the activity of osteoclasts, cells responsible for breaking down bone tissue. The reason I was placed on Prolia, was because I had a very negative response to oral medication, Fosamax. In fact, my response to Fosamax is considered rare. 

Fosamax is taken weekly. I took it twice and each time, I landed up with an 102 fever, flu like symptoms, chest pain, nausea, an intense headache, and had to take to bed for four day. So literally it took four days to recover and then on day 7 I would take the next dosage. Therefore, on that drug, I spent more days sick, then I was able to function. This could NEVER work being a caregiver, and certainly it left me with no quality of life. Which is why out of medical necessity, I was prescribed Prolia. 

I have been very fortunate, as I have had no negative side effects from Prolia, and my bone scans show that I am responding positively to the drug. However, each year that I try to fill the prescription, I am juggling one problem or other. Some of you may recall last March, my $1,500 co-pay for Prolia landed up going to the wrong place, and I spent three months fighting to get that money back.

So today, I went to my endocrinologist's office for my annual exam. The office said they would contact my health insurer and advocate for me to get Prolia. Later this afternoon, I got a call from my doctor's nurse, who let me know that they tried consulting with my health insurer and they will not allow me to get Prolia. I viewed that as an odd decision, since the insurer has been paying for it for three years already. 

The nurse proceeded to tell me that the doctor is instead going to prescribe me a biologic, that I have to inject into myself daily. Can you imagine how I responded to that? SERIOUSLY!!! Why she was talking to me about this drug, I quickly looked it up. Want to know the safety disclaimer on the drug's website? 

It says...............................................................

XYZ (not the real name of the drug) may cause serious side effects including: Possible bone cancer (osteosarcoma). During animal drug testing, XYZ caused some rats to develop a bone cancer called osteosarcoma. It is not known if people who take XYZ will have a higher chance of getting osteosarcoma.

Osteosarcoma of all things? My life has been permanently impacted by that nightmare, so there is no way I am going to potentially set myself up for a second experience with this horrible disease. I was so incensed with what I was reading that I told the nurse, that if they can't advocate for Prolia, I will STOP taking bone density medications altogether. She said they tried advocating with my health insurer TODAY but were denied! 

Any case I told the nurse I would think about this daily injectable and get back to her. I let that sit for about ten minutes. At which point, I said, NOPE, I am going to contact my health insurer directly. I also went to my health insurer portal and read the letter as to why I was denied Prolia. Unlike what the doctor office is telling me, my health insurer is NOT denying the drug IF my doctor's office answers some questions. If the doctor supplied the answers, I would qualify for the drug. I read the questions, and I meet all the criteria. WELL of course I do, as my health insurer has been paying for this drug over the last three years. 

I was on the phone with my health insurer for an hour. They were even nice enough to call my doctor's office, while putting me on hold. But of course it was after 5pm, and no one picked up the phone at the doctor's office. My health insurer told me that my doctor's office did NOT contact them today and there is NO record of an appeal from the doctor's office. So what this told me was that my doctor's office blatantly lied to me. There are two things I have a LOW TOLERANCE level for: (1) is being lied to, and (2) laziness. My doctor's office is administratively laziness. This isn't my first experience with their incompetence. They just don't want to go through the extra effort to fill out paperwork on my behalf!

Needless to say, after the hour long call with my health insurer, I sent two nasty grams to my doctor's office. I would write the appeal letter myself, but the health insurer says it MUST come from my doctor. What if I wasn't assertive or aggressive? What does the average patient do? I know exactly what most patients would do.... they would either not get the drug, or be signed up for a drug that is easier for the doctor to obtain, but may not be in the patient's best interest. To me this behavior is unethical and I am hoping to get my case documented with my health insurer, and then I will be changing doctors. As I need doctors on my side, who are looking out for my best interest. I can't wait for the nurse's response tomorrow. The system is not on the side of the patient and I truly wonder what has happened to this doctor and her clinical staff, that they have forgotten why they chose to work in the field of medicine.

Tuesday, March 11, 2025

Tuesday, March 11, 2025 -- Mattie died 785 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. I can tell that Mattie was admitted to the hospital that day. How do I know? Because Mattie was wearing clothes. Mattie refused to wear anything other than pajamas when living in the hospital. But this photo says it all. Mattie was having a physical therapy session in the middle of the hospital hallway. Trailing after him was Tricia (on the left), Mattie's favorite HEM/ONC nurse. Tricia was one of the first nurses we met when Mattie started treatment and she is an extraordinary person and professional, as she not only cared for Mattie, but all three of us. I shall never forget our amazing treatment family.

Quote of the day: Repeated trauma requires you to create a system of defenses that protects you. And these protections were so important. They saved your life. They protected your real self. ~ Gretchen L. Schmelzer

Somehow the stars and planets aligned today. Two things were accomplished on the farm. The first was that the septic system was pumped out. I have to admit I was nervous, because it would be my luck that a major issue would be found with the system, such as blockage, clog, or tank crack. The fellow who was on the property for thirty minutes was lovely. I learned that the system has NO problems and we don't need to pump out the tank for another four years. Truthfully I felt like I won the lottery. What I wasn't prepared for however, was the smell. Once the big stone cap was removed from the septic tank, the smell of sewer came rushing into the first floor of the house. Truthfully it was bordering on sickening. I had the exhaust fan on from our range in order to help suck out the air from inside the house. I couldn't even open a window, because the smell was everywhere. But once the septic tank was sealed and the truck drove off the property, fresh air returned. Honestly, if every repair and issue at the house was this easy, I would be happy!

The second issue was the temporary cable was removed from our property and a permanent cable was laid. About a month ago our cable was cut as a result of neighborhood construction. I have been dealing with this temporary cable running over grass, bushes, a neighbor's driveway, and throughout my property. I took my parents out for frozen yogurt this afternoon, and when I got back home, I didn't see the temporary cable anymore! Everything was cleaned up, and we had WIFI and cable working inside the house. Truthfully I view this as two miracles today, as I was preparing for the worst (which is based on experience here!). 

It was 70 degrees today! This inspired me to start spring cleaning on our porch. Literally I brought things inside to wash them, I cleaned all the tables and furniture and then began sweeping the porch. I even connected hoses and washed down the wood. I am trying to determine what to do with this wood to protect it, but what I do know is it will take several cleanings to get this space back up and operational. 

One of the features I fell in love with when we were buying this house, is this covered porch. It is complete Southern charm, surrounded by greenery and with privacy. Right next to the porch is a garden fountain, that I run year round for the birds. This is a space that Sunny used to absolutely love. In fact, I can't look at this sofa without seeing Sunny sitting on it. This porch and our house should be bringing so much happiness, as it is beautiful and we worked hard to get it looking this way. It was supposed to be the next chapter in our life. It is hard to believe that not only is there NO NEW chapter, the whole book of my life has been rewritten and destroyed. 

Monday, March 10, 2025

Monday, March 10, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. It was a big day in the pediatric units. There was a ribbon cutting ceremony for the child life playroom and Mattie was invited to cut the ribbon. The playroom meant a great deal to Mattie. Note that when Mattie began treatment at the hospital there was NO playroom. Instead, children gathered in the hallways and it was hard to have any sort of event. But while on treatment, the playroom was built. It was a God send to all of us, as it gave us a place to escape from the hospital room. Mattie was surrounded by Linda (his child life specialist), hospital leadership, and leadership from Toys R Us, who donated the playroom to the hospital. 

Quote of the day: There is no timestamp on trauma. There isn't a formula that you can insert yourself into to get from horror to healed. Be patient. Take up space. Let your journey be the balm. ~ Dawn Serra

I truthfully can't make up what I face in any given day. Today was another winner. By 10am, I felt like I went ten rounds. At 8am, while making breakfast, I looked outside the kitchen window and immediately saw the garden fountain wasn't on. This fountain is on a timer, and goes on religiously at 7:30am. It is one of the many features that came with the house that I love. I love watching the birds who frequent this water supply throughout the year. I keep a bird bath warming coil in the fountain over the winter, so that I can keep the feature running without freezing. When I saw that the fountain did not turn on, I panicked. I ran to the circuit breaker to see if something tripped. It hadn't. Then I went outside to see if the GFCI had to be reset. Nope, it was fine. So then I worried that either the pump stopped working or something was wrong with the timer. Before going right over the deep end, I thought this through! What if the reason the fountain did not go on was because we just lost an hour due to daylight savings time? So I decided to wait until 8:30am. Sure enough, at 8:30am, the timer triggered and the fountain started. I viewed that as a blessing. 

At 8:30am, the crew to fix our stone walkway showed up, along with my landscaper. I truly rely on Ritchie, my landscaper, for all the problems outside of the house. He is an honest, kind, and professional person. He understands all that I am balancing and never tries to upsell me on anything. Instead works with me. What he said today was that most people couldn't handle managing this house by themselves, on top of everything else I juggle. He wanted me to know that I am doing a great job. I appreciated the feedback and support. 

Any case, Ritchie talked to me about all the front bushes. He agrees the tops got winter burned, but down at the base of the shrubs is green. So hopefully in a month or so they will bounce back to life. Therefore, I am in a holding pattern, and I hoping they return to their health, so I do not have to replace them. He told me NOT to cut the brown stuff back! Meanwhile the stone guys were here for about 8 hours today, managing all the stones that popped up making the walkway unsafe. 

The crew needed me to turn on the hoses, so they could mix cement. The hoses were shut off for the winter. I wasn't aware that the hoses needed to be turned on today and really did not allot the time for this, as I had to go upstairs to wake my dad, shower him, and get him to his memory care program. But my schedule was put on pause because I had to go to the basement and turn on the water supply lines to all the hoses. Here's where the fun started. 

The water faucets look like this and next to each turn dial is a bleeder valve (circled in red). Mind you I did winterize these lines in November, so this isn't a new activity for me. However, when I turned on the faucet this morning, water was shooting out of the bleeder valve. No matter how tight I tried to close it, it wouldn't stop leaking. Naturally I began to panic. I was running around getting towels and grabbed a wrench. I finally tightened the bleeder valve enough that the gushing water stopped. I was paranoid all day that I was going to flood the house. I even text messaged my plumber, who talked me off the ledge. Cody said this can happen and as usual I handled it the right way. Cody jokes with me all the time and says.... I am becoming a plumber. 

Truthfully after the flooding, I was frazzled. But it did not end there. The company who are managing my temporary cable arrived. They came to dig a trench for the permanent cable. I literally couldn't manage one more thing. Any case, after stabilizing everything, I ran upstairs to get my dad moving. When I got to their bedroom, I found my dad half in the bed and half out of the bed. He wasn't comfortable and was cold (as he wasn't under the covers). In addition, he twisted his back lying like this and was in pain. How my mom doesn't see him like this is beyond me, but that's a conversation for another time. Any case, I got my dad up and started the morning process. What I learned today is that I will need to check on my dad several times in the morning, to make sure he is situated correctly before starting my morning chores downstairs. 

Tonight's feat was managing a bulb that broke inside the socket. The glass came out but not the metal part of the bulb. Meanwhile the utility room in the basement was dark, so I had to fix this! If I can avoid calling for help, I do! So I got my needle nose plyers out and did exactly what this photo illustrates. Needless to say, tonight I have light! 

On top of all of this, I am still working the Prolia insurance problem from yesterday. Which meant that I had to cancel my Friday infusion, because there is no way I can work this insurance snafu out in time. Why getting access to this drug is so complicated is besides me. 

Tomorrow's feat will be working with the septic company to pump out our septic system. I am hoping that goes off without a hitch, but I am preparing for the worst with the permanent cable replacement. The company has already told me this could impact my TV and WIFI service has they remove the temporary cable and replace it with a permanent one. The reason why I am on edge is because unlike the other houses on the block, I have a persistent cable issue. The cable company tells me that people like me are one in a million. It is the way the cable is laid and directed to the house. What I do know is that I am tired of being so unique in all the wrong ways. 

Sunday, March 9, 2025

Sunday, March 9, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2003. Mattie was 11 months old, and this was his first visit to Los Angeles. That day we took him to the Huntington Gardens in Pasadena. This is an amazing place to visit and given that Mattie loved being outside, we decided to introduce him to this space. That said, Mattie was pictured in his LEAST favorite vehicle.... the stroller. Mattie HATED all strollers! I am not sure if it was the notion of Mattie being strapped in, being low to the ground, or being unable to see us! Nonetheless, Mattie never lasted long in a stroller. In Mattie's seven short years he introduced me to so many wonderful and memorable adventures! 

Quote of the day: It isn’t about what’s wrong with you, it’s about what happened to you. ~ Unknown

Every Sunday, I take my parents out to brunch. This morning at 8am, I got a text message from Cheryl, the server who is now our friend. She let me know she wasn't coming to work today because she is ill. Of course I was worried about Cheryl, and wrote her immediately. I have been taking my parents to visit Cheryl weekly since 2021! That is four years of visiting someone weekly. We know each other's ups and down and believe it or not, I have all the cell phone numbers of our favorite servers. Yes that may sound odd, but I value anyone who cares for my family and goes above and beyond in how they perform their job. When you are in your 80s, and believe it or not my dad turns 90 in APRIL!, going out for lunch is a big outing. Going out provides structure, it requires movement, and it is a social experience. So I take the role of a server seriously. 

Any case, since Cheryl wasn't going to be working, I decided to come up with Plan B. Mainly because driving to Cheryl's restaurant is about thirty minutes away! I decided to go somewhere closer to home and had the opportunity to meet a server I have never worked with before. Hanna was amazing and we got to chatting. Needless to say for just the two hours we were out, we found moments of peace. This doesn't always happen for us, so when it does, I celebrate these moments. The weather was lovely, we were seated by a big picture window, and had a nice meal together.  

When I got home, I dealt with laundry and dishes, and then went upstairs to my bedroom to return some emails. Of course wherever I go, my shadow is NOT far behind. Indie follows me around, not unlike the way Sunny clung to me. Indie was never my cat, but she is now. We have many tender moments together and if I am sitting on my bed, sure enough she will be right there lying against me. She is one loyal and affectionate puss. 

But here's the funny part of this story, in the middle of writing out the email, my head went back against my pillow and I fell asleep. This is unheard of for me to nap, but I think my week was so so stressful, that my body and mind shut off. At least for 15 minutes. 

You may notice the photos on my walls. These are photographs we took on our many trips together. I literally have these captured moments in time all over the house. Visuals that illustrate all the places and adventures we had together. Adventures that I thought would continue into the future. So in some ways, even happy and beautiful memories are clouded by negativity.