Saturday, March 29, 2025

Saturday, March 29, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken on April 8, 2002, four days after Mattie was born. Labor, delivery, and recovery were not easy for me. I literally was in labor with Mattie for two days. The first day my water broke and was told to stay home and to check myself into the hospital the next day. The next day we got to the hospital bright and early, but Mattie had no intention of coming out. After another 24 hours going by and being in the hospital, I spiked a fever, I was worn out, and literally I was in so much pain, that thankfully I had an epidural. However, the epidural did its job so well that I couldn't feel anything below my waist. So if they told me to push, I couldn't control my body to do so. At that point, I was whisked off to the operating room for an emergency C-section. I realized immediately how important Mr. Mike (the anesthesiologist) was, as he stayed by my head the whole time, telling me everything that was going on and managing my pain. When I tell you that my arms were strapped down to the table and a large rope was trailing over my head (which was attached to clamps keeping my abdomen open), I am not kidding. I literally was in so much pain, was experiencing my first migraine, and was worried about Mattie. When the obstetrician cut me open, the first thing she said was.... what is this? Not what you want to hear a doctor saying! As stupefied as I was, I asked her what was wrong? She told me I had a large mass attached to my bladder, but the baby was fine. When she pulled Mattie out, within minutes, he started screaming! The doctor then told me he was beautiful and brought him over to me so my strapped down hand could hold his tiny foot. Mattie was then taken to the nursery to be cleaned up and assessed and I then underwent bladder surgery to remove this tumor, which turned out to be benign. I was so debilitated from labor and delivery, that I remained in the hospital for five days after delivery. I was swollen from fluids, had gained 50 pounds during pregnancy and soon thereafter developed post partum depression. 

Quote of the day: Wherever you go, go with all your heart. ~ Confucius

It was day one after yesterday's move out. How do I feel? Do I feel any different? Truthfully no! I will tell you how I rationalize seeing these things leave my home yesterday, but first to put it into context, you need to hear what I learned from Mattie's death. 

When Mattie died, it took me years to eventually clean out some of his things. Prior to that, I wasn't sure how it would feel to move his things. Would it be disrespectful? Would I be able to handle this emotionally? It was a struggle I had with many existential and heartbreaking questions. The only reason I decided to clean out many of Mattie's things was because our home looked like a warehouse (bordering of what looked like hoarding) and nothing of Mattie's looked honored, respected, and displayed to capture his legacy. That motivated me! I wasn't going to have any of that..... Mattie's life was important and I needed our home to reflect this! 

Getting started with the clean out was the hardest part, but once I got started, I felt empowered. As I had a mission.... preserve Mattie's legacy. However, in the process of doing this massive clean out, donating, sorting, and storing project, what I concluded was I did not need every item to keep Mattie alive for me. That was truly a revelation. Because for the first four years after Mattie's death, I couldn't part with a thing. I felt that giving away or throwing something out, meant that I was losing another piece of Mattie. It took years to understand that Mattie will always be my Mattie, whether I have every piece of paper, piece of clothing, or toy. That may sound like common knowledge to you, but to a grieving mom, this was like discovering gold. 

So this revelation that I learned from Mattie's death, I have applied to my marriage! I could have moved out 3/4 of my home yesterday, but at the end of the day, my 30 years with my husband (+7 years dating), lives within me. It is in my mind, heart, and spirit. These facts, memories, thoughts, and feelings can NEVER be erased, they can never be altered, and better yet they can never be tarnished. They are what they are, our years together are the facts! I always said that Mattie was my greatest teacher, and what I learned from his life altering death, is that things and objects are finite. Whether they exist or don't exist, truly doesn't matter. Because the greater objects live within me. These are the treasures of motherhood and my marriage that I have, like Fort Knox, these things are in lock down mode. They are well protected, preserved, and serve as my foundation, my history, and hopefully will guide me as I figure out today, tomorrow and the next day after that.

Friday, March 28, 2025

Friday, March 28, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old. When I was pregnant with Mattie, my mom bought us this lovely rocker. This rocker has seen us through Mattie's infancy, toddlerhood, childhood, childhood cancer journey, and bereavement. To this day, this rocker is in our family room. It is symbolic to me of our family moving from two to three!

Quote of the day: I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more. ~ C.S. Lewis

CS Lewis' quote is exactly right. I have found the only way to manage and cope with misery, heartache, trauma, and grief is to write, and write, and write some more. Recently someone (who isn't a blog reader) mentioned to me that writing about my caregiving experiences may not be appropriate for this blog. Naturally I get why he may have said this, but honestly, caregiving defines me and my life. In addition, it is a commonality that all of us share! Regardless of culture, race, ethnicity, or stage in life, caregiving impacts us all! Therefore, I concluded two things. One caregiving made this individual in question uncomfortable and two, I always feel that if my content isn't relevant for a blog reader, one can simply move on. My blog is NOT assigned reading. Instead, over time, Mattie's blog has become my blog..... a blog of survival. 

I want to thank several of you for reaching out to me between last night and today. As you can imagine today was NOT an easy day. Before I tell you more, I want to share a message I received this morning at 8am. My dear friend wrote...

You are not alone. The God who created the sun, the sunflowers, the butterflies, and EVERYTHING is watching over you, and you have six prayer warriors standing with you interceding for you today. You are not alone. 

Do you think a message can turn your day around? WELL I DO! I found this message very empowering and to know that a group of women (WHO I HAVE NEVER MET), were all praying for me and sending me strength made a big impression on me. 

In addition to packing things up for a month now, I also have been mentally preparing for this move out. Remember I haven't seen or spoken to my husband for almost a year. So seeing him could evoke all sorts of emotions. None of which would be helpful and only counterproductive. So my goal was to be myself, and not live up to a narrative that has been created about me. I was focused on being me............ which if you know me, means kindness, professionalism, and carrying myself with dignity. This is Vicki, always has been Vicki, and something I pride myself on. 

At 11am, two pick up trucks arrived in my driveway with my husband (yes he is now my ex-husband, but to me, he will always be my husband regardless of what the State of Virginia has to say about it) and two other fellows. I greeted everyone and thanked both men for coming to help us. I frankly am not sure how this move out would have gone if I did not spend a month combing the house, packing and organizing. Why did I do all the packing? For several reasons. First, to streamline move out day. Second, to make sure that a thorough packing and moving job were done, and third, because this is just who I am. I am a worker and ironically no matter what, I tend to think of others before myself. Even in this case. 

I staged things in three places. One was his office. I packed up clothes, books, and all sorts of items, and labeled boxes. 

It was hard to see my house with stacked boxes for weeks. I can assure you, Indie (the cat) was neurotic over this big change! 

But it isn't just about move out day today! It is about what it symbolizes..... the dissolution of a very long-term relationship. We met basically as kids in college and grew up together. We survived child loss and one would think if we could do this, we could do anything! Or at least so I thought. 

I had so many hopes for this new chapter in our life. Our first house together. I thought we would have so many Mattie Miracle fundraisers here, and I had many hopes. But what happened was these boxes didn't just contain items, they also contained all my lost hopes for a future. 

The second staged area was the basement. I don't do well just sitting around and watching people work. It isn't my nature. So instead, I was in the mix. Carrying boxes and things outside. Did I have to do this? NO! But then that wouldn't be me! Since I was working alongside the guys, I got to chatting with one of them. They worked very hard and my joke with one of them was he was so tall and lanky, you wouldn't think he could lift anything with significant weight. But I swear he was like a sherpa! It was totally impressive. 

The third staged area. Once everything was out of the house, the fellow I had been talking to said to me.....

It was nice meeting you. I just wish we met under different circumstances. 

I can't tell you how LOVELY that comment was, as I took it to heart! We never talked about anything personal, yet he was bright enough to put two and two together. I thanked him and basically told him that I appreciated his help during this very difficult time in my life. 

After everyone left, I did some clean up in the basement and then had to move furniture to fill up spaces. I moved this bureau from one place to another. In order to move it, I took out each of the drawers to make it lighter to carry. Keep in mind that this bureau came from Boston, and my father-in-law got it for us. 

While taking the drawers out, I found this written inside.............

Seriously I am NOT sure I ever knew this inscription was there. It read:

Repainted January 2014

Love you Q!!

-Bun

Q was one of my nicknames (it stood for cutie) and Bun was one of the names I always called my husband (short for Bunny)

I was meant to see this inscription today! Because when I wonder whether our love was real, this to me says it all! 

It has been an emotionally laden day, and it takes a lot to pack up things for a month, caregiver around the clock and keep myself composed today. But because things are moved out, doesn't end the journey for me. For me the pain begins on a deeper level. 

Any case, before making dinner tonight, I went upstairs to my room. I sat still for a bit and of course my trusty sidekick got on the bed and was lying next to me. She seemed to understand that her presence would be helpful. 

I have to say when things were being moved today, doors were open! I panicked because I did not know where Indie was. But by the stroke of noon, when everyone was gone, her stomach kicked in, and she came out of nowhere for food! 

Thursday, March 27, 2025

Thursday, March 27, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2003. Mattie was almost a year old. Mattie was sitting in "tot wheels." Which had to be his favorite thing, because it was a walker with wheels. It gave him independence to move freely! Mattie loved to sit in tot wheels and zoom around the first floor of our home. Where ever I was, Mattie wasn't far behind!

Quote of the day: Nothing is so strong as gentleness, nothing so gentle as real strength. ~ Francis de Sales

Another full day here. I am working with someone who is helping me clean, stain, and seal my porch wood. I was going to take this on myself, but then I realized..... I have NO IDEA what I am doing. I trust this person because he is a friend of my landscaper. Nate has given me an education about my porch wood and I am learning about the beauty of Brazilian IPE wood. Which apparently is the hardest, strongest, and most naturally resistant to rot, abrasion, weather, and insects. Ipe is one of the longest lasting woods in some cases well over 75 years. Therefore, I want this wood preserved. Ironically I remember when we first moved into the house, someone told us to replace that wood with Trex. I am so glad I did not listen to them!

Some where along the line today, I was asked to join a conference call. I admit that participating in anything for me right now is challenging. Mainly because I never have a minute to myself. But today while on the call what also hit me is my other half is not on the call with me. We started this particular project together and we had a way at analyzing things from all angles and what I always thought was..... we were stronger together. Until I guess we were not! Nonetheless, after I got off the call, I felt I LOST MY PASSION, my drive, my outlook, and a way forward. Things that once excited me, that I was passionate about, are now much more gray. Could tomorrow be influencing how I am feeling? Maybe, but when you have been married to someone for close to 30 years, and dated for 7 years before that, that person becomes a part of you. In a way, you form a third identity, the identity that is the meddling of two people. The kind of meddling whether we knew what each other was thinking and we could finish each other's sentences. 

Being divorced is like losing a whole portion of myself and my life. I have been married much longer than I have been single, and therefore, I feel like I am navigating the world now without a limb or my skin. It is simply painful, and yet I am the only one feeling the pain. 

After getting off the conference call this afternoon, I felt so dejected and sad, that I had to get up and do something. I couldn't sit with that horrid feeling. So what did I do? I started cleaning windows. I went outside, got fresh air, and made something cleaner and looking better. Those kind of tasks are my diversions and frankly are more therapeutic for me than therapy itself. 

If you are reading this and have been following my packing saga over the last few weeks, then I ask you to think good thoughts for me tomorrow as I face a move out of things I never wanted to see leave in the first place. 

Wednesday, March 26, 2025

Wednesday, March 26, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. Mattie was in the outpatient clinic working on a pottery wheel. To my knowledge this was the first time Mattie used this wheel! He took to it like a duck to water. What I did not realize, was he was in the process of creating a vase for me, for Mother's Day. Mattie worked on this piece over several weeks and truthfully I wasn't putting two and two together, until I was surprised with the vase! Mattie glazed it a lovely red color (our favorite color) and to this day, this vase sits in my living room!

The beautiful vase! Another Mattie masterpiece!

Quote of the day: It is good to love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is well done. ~ Vincent Van Gogh

Now a week later, and my mom is still struggling with a cough and exhaustion. Given her age and lung conditions, recovery for her takes longer. I had a telehealth visit today with my urology office. You may recall that about a month ago, I forgot I had an appointment and I literally blew it off. I rescheduled it for today and I apologized to my doctor's nurse. She was very understanding about it and told me not to worry or give it a second thought! A kind soul. Any case, my appointment was at 2pm today. I explained to my mom that I couldn't take her out until after that call was over. Sometimes things register with her, other times no. 

Once I got off the phone, my mom was in a state. She complained that she was thirsty and hungry. Mind you, she had breakfast (at noon!). So I would have hoped she could have entertained herself for a few minutes, while I was on the call. Nonetheless, my life is jumping from one task to the next and truthfully my day is about meeting my parent's schedule and needs. Most days, I can deal with it, but this is a particularly hard week. Seeing things packed up in my home is not easy. No matter how much time goes by, my mind and heart can't process as fast as my body. My body is moving around, doing tasks, packing and organizing. But while I am doing these tasks, I literally blot out the feelings and emotions associated with packing up things from my marriage. Things that were once ours, are no longer. 

I have one chance to pack things up and therefore I have to be as thorough and thoughtful about how I am doing this, which means going through every room and every drawer. When I think I am done, I remember other things. As of tonight, I think I have packed and gathered as much as I physically can. 

It is very difficult after 35 years to be the one left behind. To be the one that is apparently easy to leave. I truthfully never thought I would be facing this ever in my life, and all I can say is................ there goes my life. Literally this week, while packing, I had Kenny Chesney's song floating through my mind. The context of the song is different than what I am experiencing, but the sentiments and emotions are 100% the same! If you have never heard the song, here it is......

Tuesday, March 25, 2025

Tuesday, March 25, 2025 -- Mattie died 787 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2005. Mattie was almost three years old and was FULLY on! This was what a typical scene in our home looked like. Mattie was all about building and creating and loved his trains. Of course no scene was ever complete without his sippy cup of milk. I always joked that Mattie was going to have the healthiest bones around because of all the milk he consumed. I would never have guessed that at age six he would have been diagnosed with bone cancer. 

Quote of the day: It isn't what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it. ~ Dale Carnegie

Last night, I decided to take on a project to try to disassemble a desk that is getting moved out of the house on Friday. What a BIG mistake. I worked so hard on it, that I literally thought I was going to pass out. I felt light headed and nauseous. Mind you I had a migraine all day, which felt like a screw driver was going through my eye. I was so debilitated that I did not think I had the energy or ability to take my dad upstairs to bed. When the clock hits 10pm, my dad wants to go upstairs. With Alzheimer's my dad no longer has the capability to understand other people's issues or needs. Since it wasn't safe for me to take him upstairs right away, I ran to get my migraine anti-nausea meds and went to sit outside to get fresh air. I spent about 15 minutes trying to stabilize enough so I could take my dad upstairs. 

However, even when I went to sleep, it wasn't peaceful. At 5am today, I was jolted awake with the notion that I had to pack MORE for Friday's move out. When I am jolted awake, my head and heart start pounding. Despite the fact that more has to be packed, I just wasn't able to get to it today. I was juggling one thing after the other. But what last night has told me, is that I need to be careful. I am on the verge of a complete physical and emotional breakdown. 

At around 4pm today, I literally sat on my bed and fell asleep for 45 minutes. That is how tired I am, because I never nap. But there was no way I could function without rest. When I got up, I scrambled to put together a fundraising application and to do some other work. Tonight's blog is short, in hopes that tomorrow is a better day. 

Monday, March 24, 2025

Monday, March 24, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2005. Mattie was almost three years old and he was very proud to have his first bat. Now here's the irony of all of this.... Mattie was like me... he truly had no interest in sports. What did Mattie like about going to a baseball game? Try the people watching. Mattie and I both had a fascination about connecting, learning, and observing people. Got to love that smile. 

Quote of the day: We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just a step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up, seeing it is not as dreadful as it appeared, discovering we have the strength to stare it down. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

This morning, by happenstance, I bumped into a friend. We started talking and caught up for about thirty minutes, as I sat in her car. In the process of talking, I mentioned that life for some people is absolutely hard and tragic. Her response to me was that everyone has issues and crises, and some people just seem to absorb them, move on, and live productive lives. Do I think this is true? Yes to some extent, as one's attitude can help mitigate what life throws at us. But with that said, I personally feel like I have had more than enough to deal with and unfortunately all of these things together have altered who I am. No I do not have a happy go lucky view of life and NO I do not see a path forward or a future. Around 50% of my future died with Mattie and the other 50% died when I got divorced. So that leaves 0%, and I navigate through life being the caregiver to my parents. I can't even fathom life beyond that, as what else is left? Other than my own death. 

I juggled picking up prescriptions today, grocery shopping, laundry, paying bills, figuring out how I am going to pay bills, and dealing with some of my mom's paperwork. When I navigated all of that, I then focused on Foundation correspondence. 

Just when I think I am finished packing things up, other items come to mind that don't belong to me, and I then go searching for them. When all is said and done, by Friday, many of the items that were part of my shared married history will be moved out. So what does that mean? Was I ever part of that family? Am I a part of that family now? Did my last 35 years exist? Try loving someone all your adult life, and then NOT have them in your life! It is disorienting, confusing, and highly upsetting. At the end of the day, how could I be so wrong thinking that the person I was with loved and respected me the same way I felt about him? AGAIN NO ANSWERS, just lots of questions! 

Then out of the blue today, I got an email from a friend. This is a friend who wasn't aware of my divorce. I mention this because unless you read the blog, you will HAVE NO IDEA what is going on with me. I have shared my issues with few people! Any case, my friend wrote:

I think you are an extraordinary human being -- full of compassion, a bright mind, a creative force for good in the world, completely devoted to family and friends, exhibiting grit and grace under the most unimaginable of fates. 

The reason why I captured part of what she wrote here, is because some days such reflections get me through the day. When your world comes crashing down all around you, such reflections are like being resuscitated alive. People who know me, know my character, they know my core values, and they know that I put 100% into all my relationships. Moments when I am down, I am grateful for friends who remind me of the person that they have known, valued, and loved for years.   

Sunday, March 23, 2025

Sunday, March 23, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old! Mattie loved behind outside. He truly did not care about the weather! Since this was where he wanted to spend his time, I learned to manage through rain, snow, freezing temperatures, and summer heat. Mattie's facial expression here said it all! He was signaling to me he was ready to go out and we wanted to know what on earth was taking me so long to get my coat on!

Quote of the day: If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward. ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Everyday, I get photo memories sent to me in my email box. This was today's! It was taken on March 23, 2013. By that point, Mattie had been gone from our lives for four years. Slowly but surely we began to transform our townhouse in the city. To clean out the piles of things that were everywhere. In the process we decided to paint every room. The process of cleaning out is always hard to start, but once I get started, I find that I become motivated by the changes I see. 

Through the course of my marriage, we did many things for ourselves like painting, gardening, replacing the kitchen floor and the list goes on. Hard work and work in general is not something I have ever shied away from. 

My mom is still coughing and exhausted. Though we usually go out on Saturday and Sunday, we went no where this weekend. My mom thinks she can go out, but literally just getting up in the morning and having breakfast, is exhausting for her. So until I see an improvement in her, she is going nowhere. Since we were stuck at home, it gave me the perfect opportunity to get more done. 

As of tonight, I have packed up everything that doesn't belong to me, and have stationed things in three locations. I have been at this for two weeks so far. Today, I had to address these beds. The frames were created by my mother-in-law's father. One frame was for her when she was a child and the other was for her sister. When her sister died, we received both frames. In fact, Mattie slept on these beds, so these frames have seen many generations! I stripped these beds today and laundered everything on top of them.

You can see Mattie put stickers on the bed frame. When he was well and would visit his pediatrician, she always gave him a sticker at the end of his medical appointment. Mattie placed many of his stickers on his bed! It is hard to believe that the stickers remain, but the boy is gone!

Today while packing things up, I felt like I was having a Muriel's Wedding (1994, movie) moment. I put the clip of what I am talking about below, so you know what I am talking about. Look at minute 3! In the movie, she is leaving Porpoise Spit (her town), and as the taxi drives away, she screams out the window, saying goodbye to things like.... goodbye mall, goodbye ocean, etc! 

It is hard to say goodbye to items that have been a part of my life for decades. My life and my husband's life were intertwined for 35 years. No small amount of time. Therefore, it takes great inner strength to comb through things and say goodbye to them and what they symbolized. As with everything I did in my entire marriage, this task was no different. I faced it in a kind, loving, and respectful manner. All things were organized, labeled, and packed. 

Muriel's Wedding, check out minute 3:

I would like to say my day ended with packing. NOPE! I went outside today to attack the shed. I did the first big clean out today. This is after Richard, the raccoon guy, shoveled out raccoon feces, sprayed a disinfectant mist all over the shed, and removed bigger items that were decimated. Even with all of Richard's work, I was at it for about three hours today. I filled a whole garbage bin with junk and debris. We have many storage bins in the shed. I dragged every one of them out, hosed them off and cleaned them with Clorox. It will take many more passes, but a good portion of all the feces and debris are now gone. It was not a fun job, but wow................. I can actually walk into and use the shed!