Saturday, March 4, 2017Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2006. This was at Mattie's fourth birthday party which we held at a nature preserve. The theme that year for the party was dinosaurs. As you can see we had a dinosaur pinata and Mattie was going to take the first swing at it as the birthday boy. Do you notice a blue toy train ("Thomas") in the background? Well that was Mattie's train. Mattie never went anywhere without a toy of some sort in his pocket or his hand. He tended to transport cars, trains, stones, and leaves for example and not unlike the sippy cup of milk, these items always landed up in our photos.
Quote of the day: The past is never where you think you left it. ~ Katherine Anne Porter
We saw the musical, The Little Mermaid. It was a high school production. In all reality that shouldn't be a complicated visit, after all Mattie never went to the high school. Entering the school's theater isn't attached to our past per se. That is until you factor in some of the kids who were performing, who are freshman in high school, or in other words...... class mates of Mattie's. If Mattie were alive today, he would be turning 15, and in high school. It is always disconcerting to see Mattie's classmates growing and thriving, and in my mind Mattie will always be 7.
Their lives have moved on, and our lives have been stopped. We continue moving forward but that isn't equivalent to raising your child and doing all the typical things families do together. School being a part of that. When I visit Mattie's campus now, I am literally a stranger and not part of the school community. In fact, Peter and I saw several of Mattie's classmates and we recognized them but they did not recognize us. That is actually hurtful, but naturally I do not blame the children, as much as the situation. Yet regardless of my ability to rationalize and be mature about it, it still leaves me with the feeling...... of being an outsider. Of not fitting in, on top of the obvious reason for this being we aren't raising a child. Yet the consequences of losing Mattie produce long standing social isolation and differences that reverberate through all aspects, contexts, and interactions in our lives.
1 comment:
Vicki, The quote is so appropriate as " the past is never quite where you think you left it ". Nothing I say in this response can help because truthfully there is no help for forever loss. Yes, life, your life goes on but so does everyone else's. However, an important part of your life died when Mattie did. You lost the part of the future that builds on the past! I am sorry for this, more than I can appropriately write. I always think it is wonderful that you attend functions at the school where Mattie would have gone!
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