Saturday, June 21, 2025

Saturday, June 21, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. Mattie was six years old and I snapped this photo because I wasn't sure who interested me more.... Mattie or Patches. Mattie wanted to feed Patches and Patches, though wanting her food, wasn't sure this was a good idea! Patches was one smart cat and as soon as Mattie was born, she instinctively understood that he was special and she better be on good behavior. No matter what Mattie did to her (chasing her, pulling her tail.... until he learned how to treat a pet kindly), she never lashed out! When Mattie got cancer, we placed a hospital bed in our living room. Patches stayed close and was on the bed with Mattie, keeping him company. When Mattie died, Patches did a vigil in Mattie's room for months. Patches typically did not spend a lot of time in Mattie's room once he was born. But after Mattie died, Patches would sleep right on top of Mattie's pillows! 

Quote of the day: Betrayal is like death: you never think it will happen to you. ~ Marty Rubin

On Sunday, my dad's assistant is visiting with her husband and friend. My dad hasn't seen Valerie for decades, yet she has always remained in touch with my parents. Keep in mind she worked with my dad in the 70s! I knew Valerie as a child, and was the flower girl in her wedding. Since I want this visit to go smoothly, I decided to host a luncheon at home. It isn't easier for me, but it will work out better to have a meaningful conversation and connection. 

One of the things I collected over the course of my marriage is several different China patterns. I decided to highlight blue for tomorrow, and if you enlarge the photo, you will see my pink roses and day lilies from my garden. 

Each morning, if I am not up by 7am, Indie wakes me up. She literally throws her body at my bedroom door and meows incessantly. Truly she is worse than an alarm clock. This morning, after dragging myself up, I sat outside on the porch for about 15 minutes with a cup of tea. This was the highlight of my day. But what I do know is sitting still is not easy for me, because my level of anxious and sadness can overwhelm me. Therefore, I keep moving! 

Indie loves being outside and when my husband was here, it was easier to keep track of Indie. But now, I am juggling my parents and therefore, Indie spends little to no time outside with me. When she is outside, she loves being on the couch watching the hummingbirds at the feeders!

Today I baked a three layer lemon cake with a lemon buttercream frosting! Whenever I make a cake, I think of my husband, as he always did the frosting for me. He had an artistic style with frosting, which I appreciated. Since he left, I have had to learn. With each cake I make, my frosting gets better, but if you think I have gotten used to being single, you would be VERY wrong. 

This afternoon, I went to the backyard to pick flowers and water my roses. In the midst of doing this work, I noticed a big tree limb had fallen right onto my neighbor's fence. I literally panicked! Everything sends me right over the deep end. It is moments like this, I would turn to my husband and we would come up with solutions or he'd take care of it himself. I certainly can't move this heavy tree limb, I don't have a chain saw, and therefore, I snapped photos and sent it to my landscaper. They will need to cut this tree limb and cart it away. I try to do all the other branches and smaller limbs that come down, but I know my limits. I can't afford to injure myself, because if I do, then everything in my household comes to a grinding halt. 

Needless to say, tonight, I feel very sad and depressed. Sometimes the FULL magnitude of my loss hits me, and today is such a day. Perhaps it is because I am hosting a luncheon tomorrow, and whenever I am around other people, it is glaringly obvious who is missing in my life. I truly do not know how I function, because life without Mattie was horrific enough, but now life without the person I lived my life with for 35 years, is close to unbearable. 

Friday, June 20, 2025

Friday, June 20, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. That weekend we took Mattie to Bethesda, MD for a town fair. We went with Mattie's close preschool friend, Alex. The boys were fascinated by this cowboy on stilts! I remember this moment like it were yesterday. Mattie painted a flower pot and did other crafts at the fair. Truthfully, I thought we would have many more moments like this, as Mattie had just completed kindergarten, loved his school, and had a wonderful friend network. A month after this photo was taken, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: When someone betrays you, it is a reflection of their character, not yours. ~ Happy Pitroda

In addition to the many things I manage in a given day, the house also has a pool. Anyone who tells me they wish to be a pool owner, signals to me.... that you never owned a pool. A pool is an enormous headache and burden. This year, I decided to open the pool at the end of May and I am closing it before the leaves start falling. The pool as been open a month so far, and it still looks horrible. It is unsafe to swim in the water, as it is murky like a dirty bathtub. I am driving my pool company absolutely bonkers. Today alone, I had them over three times, and they are returning on Monday. When I tell you that I wake up each day and wonder..... what does today have in store for me? I am NOT kidding!  

When I used to live in the city, one of the things I did four times a year was have a facial. Some people find them relaxing, I am NOT one of them. I do it because it helps me manage and maintain my skin. In any case, I have known my esthetician, Michelle, for decades! It is very hard to get an appointment with her, because she is so sought after. Michelle works at the salon where I take my mom to every six weeks. The owner of the salon suggested I do something for myself and when she found today's appointment, I decided to go. My dad was at his memory care center and my mom was home having her physical therapy session. So I headed into the city. When I got there, I was a few minutes early, so I sat in the waiting area. A lovely older woman, Marlena, started talking to me, as she liked my wedged sandals. Given that I used to live in the city (where she lives), we had a lot to talk about. One thing led to another and I told her about my parents. Literally within minutes, we became instant friends. When Michelle came out to get me in the waiting area, she assumed that Marlena and I knew each other prior to today. When we told Michelle that we just met, she said..... you both are talking to each other like you were friends!

I find this ironic, because yesterday when I took my parents out for lunch, one of the servers came up to chat with me. We go to this particular restaurant every Thursday. I know at least 5-6 servers there and most of the hosts. The server that came over to talk with me said..... I have a problem and need someone to talk to about it. He said he was hoping I was coming in, because he couldn't think of any one else to talk to about it. Funny, no? He is having an issue with his sister and whatever the issue is, it must be pretty emotional. He still couldn't talk about it as he said he is still processing the problem and I could tell he was afraid that whoever he shared the problem with could potentially be judgmental. What I did tell him was when he was ready to talk about it, he will know, and that he shouldn't feel compelled to talk about something on someone's else's timeline. 

I mention both Marlena and the fellow at the restaurant, because this has happened to me since I was an elementary school student. People feel comfortable sharing their concerns with me. Mainly because for the most part, I listen, I am not judgmental and my goal is to always help. I actually love hearing about people's lives and view these stories as privileges to be a part of and never a burden to have to hear.

Naturally I think people have shared things with me throughout my life, but since Mattie died, the sharing factor has gone up by tenfold. Why? I think when you lose a child to cancer, people feel like you have experienced the worst and have a deeper understanding of pain and the frailties of life. What I do know is Mattie's cancer diagnosis and death have taught me a great deal about crisis, trauma, and grief. Though each of us may experience different life circumstances, somehow many of life's issues are wrapped up in trauma and grief. Therefore, I guess having experienced these things allows me to be intuitive and have a skill set that enables me to be approachable, a sounding board, and support for others. One of the many reasons why I always say.... Mattie Brown was my life's greatest teacher. 

Thursday, June 19, 2025

Thursday, June 19, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2007. Mattie was five years old. I remember this weekend perfectly. It was Memorial Day weekend and we took Mattie on a trip to Lancaster, PA. One of the places we visited was Dutch Wonderland, a theme park geared toward preschoolers! We stayed at a Marriott Hotel and the chef at breakfast time took a liking to Mattie. He loved how Mattie LOVED his waffles. Any case that morning, the chef gave Mattie his own chef's hat! Mattie was very pleased!

Quote of the day: Sometimes the people closest to you betray you, and your home isn’t a place you can be happy anymore. ~ P.C. Cast

On Sunday, I am hosting friends of my dad's, who are visiting from the West Coast. Valerie goes way back with my dad, as she was my dad's assistant when he worked in New York City. They have been friends for decades. Valerie's first husband was a lovely man. In fact I was the flower girl at their wedding. Her husband, Floyd, was like Fred Astaire. He was talented on the dance floor. I will never forget ballroom dancing with Floyd, it was a magical experience! Having the right partner, who knows what they are doing, can make anyone look good! 

Given the many things I juggle, I wanted to make something ahead of time. Coq au Vin, is that perfect something. I started on it today. The beauty of this tasty chicken stew is it gets better the longer it sits in the refrigerator!  

We had massive rain storms today and lost power for a while. Tree branches and limbs were everywhere. I spent about an hour outside rounding up debris!

I did take my parents out to lunch today and on our way to the restaurant we had this sighting! I happen to LOVE Canadian Geese. They are loyal and never leave a goose behind! A lot can be learned from these feathered friends. 

Wednesday, June 18, 2025

Wednesday, June 18, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. It was memorial day weekend and we took Mattie to Lancaster County, PA. On our way, we stopped off at a famous pretzel company. The company gave visitors dough and taught us how to form a pretzel. You can see Mattie's finished product. It was a fun weekend adventure, and I am so glad we never put off trips or activities until tomorrow. Because in our case, tomorrow NEVER came. 

Quote of the day: I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress and grow brave by reflection. ’Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death. ~ Thomas Paine

Each day, I wake up and wonder.... what will today hold? What will the crisis be? So far NO DAY has disappointed me. I was able to drop my dad off at his memory care center. On the drive, I noticed a warning light went off on my dashboard. I got my dad to his program, and in the parking lot, I pulled out the car's manual to understand what this light meant. It was the check engine light! I immediately called my car dealership in hopes of scheduling an appointment. I left a message for my service provider and then went along with my chores. I had to get gas for the car and go grocery shopping. 

After filling the car with gas, I tried starting the car. It wouldn't start. In addition to not starting, the car was rolling backward, and the only way to stop it was to shut the car off. When I tell you I began to panic, I am not kidding. Now my version of panicking my look different from others! As I don't get hysterical, I don't cry, or have any sort of outward emotion. All my anxiety is internal. Naturally my first instinct was to call my husband! That is what I have done for the last 35 years, as I know nothing about cars. Of course that is NO LONGER an option, as we have no contact with each other. 

Since I was at a gas station, I could have asked them for help. But I decided that wasn't a good option, as I have a service warranty with my car company, and therefore this car had to get the dealership. So then my next thought was... how am I going to get the car there?! As luck would have it, the gas station and the dealership were practically next door to each other. I did not want to call AAA, because I had no patience waiting to be towed. Therefore, I rationalized with myself that I had to get this car started. I turned the ignition on three times. First two times, I rolled backwards and the car wouldn't start. On round three, the car started! It was at that point, I decided to risk it and get to the dealership. I had two ways to get out of the gas station, I chose the exit that did not require me to stop at a light. I frankly did not want to stop the car, because I figured if I stop, I may not be able to start again. 

Any case, I rolled into the dealership and met Sam. He isn't my usual service provider, but he was excellent. He could see I was shaken and upset and that I was concerned that this was going to be an expensive fix. In my head my fear was something major was wrong with the engine. Sam told me that we needed to do a diagnostic and we would take it one step at a time. He couldn't give me a loaner car, but he arranged for one of the mechanics to drive me home. That's when I met Ruiz. Ruiz is 68 years old and a love. We started chatting. He has the same car I do, and told me that my car still has a lot of life in it. So I shouldn't be concerned that it has close to 100,000 miles on it. He says his car has 160,000 miles on it and is running strong. Then we talked about his brother who is gravely ill. I am sure he was looking at me, and evaluating me as being a person who doesn't have a care in the world. It was at that point that I explained about Mattie and then explained about my divorce. Literally by the time I finished with him, he was speechless. He couldn't get over what I have survived. He made me laugh, because he said..... husbands are replaceable, but you only get one set of parents. He commended me for choosing to be a caregiver. He said I would never regret that, which I know is correct, because I learned early on in life that I give 100% to those I love. I never want to live with regrets later on in life for not giving it my all. 

Sam called me later in the day, and I learned the issue was with the purge valve, which is crucial for optimal engine performance. The good news was he checked with my service warranty, and they paid for half of the cost of the part. Truly this was the best news ever, because I worried all day.... how am I going to be paying for this?! 

When I wonder, is God with me, today the answer was YES. I was fortunate because:

1. My dad was NOT in the car with me when the car stopped working. 
2. I was not far from the car dealership. 
3. The car turned on long enough for me to get to the dealership. 
4. I met Ruiz.
5. The car could easily be fixed!
6. My service warranty paid for half of the invoice!

There have been moments I have wanted to sell my mom's car! But today, was case in point, it helps to have a second car! In addition, Ruiz told me if I have a car and it runs, I need to hold onto it! So despite it being a day filled with the unexpected, I am grateful that someone was watching over me today.... and gave me the wherewithal to logically think through the problem and come up with a solution. 

Tuesday, June 17, 2025

Tuesday, June 17, 2025 -- Mattie died 799 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that day he was very excited because the tent moth caterpillar that he brought home from his school's playground had spun itself into a cocoon. Mattie knew that within ten days or so, would emerge a moth from the spun silk. Mattie loved this metamorphosis process every spring! I literally had jars set aside for this process and we learned by process of elimination that the only leaves these caterpillars ate were OAK! Which is why we both came to love oak trees. 

Quote of the day: Betrayal is difficult to process. It is difficult to understand, even on the most basic level. ~ Jon Bush

Given how I am feeling, my goal over the next couple of days is to spend less time at the computer. My neck and shoulders feel achy and strained. So despite the heat and humidity, I went outside this morning and worked out there for several hours. Believe it or not, I trimmed back all the roses you see here. The roses had gotten as tall as the bird bath/fountain. Now that they had their first bloom, it was time for them to be cut way back. I maintain everything in this space, including trimming the crape myrtle tree in the fall (in order to keep its nice small and bushy foot print in the spring and summer) and eventually I will get to that big white hydrangea bush, as it too needs to be cut in half!

Since there are so many hydrangeas, that I brought some inside, and will continue to add to this vase in our front hallway. The beauty of this house is I really never have to purchase flowers in the warm weather months! Something is always blooming in the garden. 

In April, I planted four large roses in our terracotta pots. I did this to replace all the roses my husband planted for me, but died from all the snow we received this winter. I feed these roses religiously every two weeks and they are thriving. 

Aren't they a glorious color?

This to me is the Mattie Miracle rose.... orange and red. I bought this specifically as a tribute to Mattie. 

The property has hydrangeas of every shape and variety. Climbing ones as well. My favorites are the oak leave hydrangeas that border the property. They are an amazing privacy screen from neighbors. 

The day lilies are in bloom!

Do you see the fountain. This is one of my favorite features in the backyard. It attracts birds. They love bathing in it, and I also love the sound. The fountain stopped working one day, and I am very grateful to Steve (my outdoor guru) for cleaning all the muck out and installing a new pump. He even got the back light working. 

Meanwhile it is frog season. All you hear day and night are frog songs. When I first moved into the house, the previous owner had frog statues and yard stakes of cute frogs. I removed them all, but always wondered.... what was with the frogs???? NOW I get it! The frogs own the backyard. If Mattie were here, he would have absolutely had a field day in the backyard. I just wish Mattie experienced Sunny in this backyard. Life would be so different if my family were intact. I truly need to keep moving in order to maintain any sort of stability. 

Monday, June 16, 2025

Monday, June 16, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2006. Mattie was four years old. I know this photo had to be taken on a weekend, because it was a weekend occurrence that we typically went together to explore the Island. We loved seeing the Island during every season! Even in the winter, it was a wonderful walk, but there was something magical about seeing all the plants and trees sprouting back to life in the spring! I miss seeing these sights, I miss having these walks with Mattie and I miss my family of three!

Quote of the day: Healing from betrayal is a personal journey. It's about finding inner strength, learning to trust yourself again, and creating a better future. ~ Unknown

This morning, I headed to the city, to take my mom to the salon. Somehow in my mind I thought the appointment was only for a manicure and pedicure. It did not register to me that I also booked her six week hair appointment. Therefore, I only told my mom she was going for her nails. When I walked into the salon, the salon manager escorted us to the changing room for my mom. I looked at her confused, and said.... my mom is only getting her nails done. At which point, I actually looked at the calendar on my phone and realized.... NO I was wrong. My mom was getting hair and nails done today. I truly do not like being confused and overwhelmed. That was bad enough, but it was what happened next that disturbed me for the rest of the day.

In the middle of the salon, my mom practically had a tantrum. She got very upset with me that I did not tell her she was getting her hair done. She said, I "blew it." Now mind you I did not do this on purpose, I am just juggling so much, that honestly I am lucky I knew enough to go to the salon this morning. My mom had no understanding for how upsetting it was to be ridiculed in the middle of the salon. She acts as if I am typically a scatterbrain, who doesn't manage things well! On the contrary, I would like to see anyone else juggle what I do each day, caregiving for my parents around the clock for four years without even one day break, run Mattie's Foundation alone, maintain this house, manage all bills, taxes, and all other crises, without cracking up.

My mom was so upset, that I really thought I would have to turn around and go home. But I remained CALM throughout the entire time. I basically said, I made a mistake, but she was there, so it made sense to get her hair done. She eventually went with the process and had a good visit, but honestly I was a mess for the rest of the day. I ranged from being internally angry, to feeling absolutely overwhelmed. It is moments like this, that I want to be outdoors, walk around, and regroup. But that was just not possible. Which maybe why for the rest of the day, I was very edgy and upset. Even when I got home, it was raining outside, so I couldn't spend the necessary time in my garden. 

Then the reality hit me. ONCE AGAIN! I have been left to manage the impossible by myself. Sometimes one tries to understand that the future won't always be this way. But for me the future looks even more daunting than my current circumstances. It was just an emotionally challenging day, on top of many other horrible days over these last two years.  

Sunday, June 15, 2025

Sunday, June 15, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken on Father's Day of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that day we took him on a Duck Boat tour of Washington, DC. The fun part about this trip was it covered both land and water! Right up Mattie's alley. They gave us all whistles in the shape of a duck bill, and I can't tell you how much use those whistles got over the years. I thought we would have many more father's days together. It is hard to understand, much less accept, that I now I acknowledge the day without my son and husband. 

Quote of the day: My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me. ~ Jim Valvano

This morning as I was getting myself ready for the day, I turned on the radio. Thomas Rhett's song, Things Dad Do, came on! I have to admit I never heard it before, but this song got to me! We truly appreciate what our parents have done for us after we become a parent of our own. Parenting was one of the most challenging and wonderful jobs I ever experienced, and I couldn't possible appreciate all the difficult choices and decisions my parents made until I was in their shoes. Rhett's song captures it beautifully! In honor of Father's Day, I attached the song below............................................

I focused all my attention today on what I have, rather than what is glaringly missing in my life. I am not saying I was able to block my husband from my mind, because I wasn't, but I wanted my dad to know he is special to me. 

I started my dad's day by giving him a hair cut, shaving him with a real razor, and gave him a manicure! I called it his "spa morning." Then my dad opened a card and several gifts! He was truly moved by the sentiments and things I expressed to him today. 

Sometimes you do not realize how special a person is, until you put it into context. Given what I have experienced these last two years, I can say with 100% certainty that my dad could NEVER walk away from his family. EVER. It isn't in his DNA, as it isn't in mine. My dad worked in the entertainment industry, where infidelity was rampant. But not for my dad! He was never swayed by money, power, or stardom. My dad is a great man and as I told him today..... he deserves to be celebrated. 

This is my father-in-law! The other dad in my life. Remember that I have known Don since I was 19 years old. Since I went to college on the East Coast, it made it difficult to go home to California for Thanksgiving. So I spent many holidays at a young age with my husband's family. Then I also went to graduate school in Boston for my Master's in Biology. When living in Boston, I spent every Sunday at their house. We would have dinner together and watch Columbo! These were simpler and happier times. 

Though I do not mention this on the blog, my in-laws have been 100% supportive of me over these last two years and if it is possible we have gotten even closer. 

Since Don LOVES tomatoes, I sent him two tomato plants and a basil plant for the summer season! 

I took my parents out to brunch today. Cheryl, our server, gave my dad a card and a container of wonderful chocolate chip cookies. My dad felt celebrated and had a very good eating day, which I was happy about! 

Me and my dad!

The three of us! Keep in mind that we used to go to this same restaurant with my husband. We always sat at this table. So whenever I see photos, I can't help but notice that the fourth seat remains empty.