Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2007. Mattie was five years old. That Memorial Day weekend we went to Lancaster, PA. Amish country! It was a wonderful weekend trip, filled with new experiences, adventures, learning about the Amish culture, and trying out Amish cooking and treats. We went to the famous Plain and Fancy Restaurant and outside of it was this Amish wagon. If it had wheels, Mattie was interested!
Quote of the day: I am hopelessly in love with a memory. An echo from another time, another place. ~ Michael Faudet
I spent about two hours this morning arranging to pay bills for my mom and for myself. It is a chore I absolutely HATE each month. It is super stressful and it is one of many dozen responsibilities that fall on my already full plate. After doing that, laundry, and other chores, I sat down to try to work on the Foundation's 15th anniversary video. I literally need HOURS to myself to create. Forget it, I never get more than an hour at a time. Just when I get into the process of working, I have to stop. By 1pm each day, my mom wants to be entertained and taken out of the house.
Later on today, I had my therapy appointment. My therapist was on vacation for two weeks. Then the third week she was sick, and the fourth week I had an MRI. So today, we convened after a month apart. Did I miss our time together over this last month? NOPE! The question could be, why do I go? The answer, I have NO IDEA!
According to her she has seen a great deal of growth in me as I adjust to Peter leaving me in September. We discussed what my fear is on being single and then she invited me to be kind to myself, to commend and acknowledge myself for what I am enduring, and then the final nail in the coffin, was she mentioned that one day I will find meaning in this and will be stronger! You might as well set my hair on fire, because that was my internal reaction to all of these sentiments.
After Mattie died, people would tell me similar platitudes, that there was a reason for this! That I would make meaning from losing Mattie, and I would even hear, WOW you are so strong! Totally NOT HELPFUL! I am not motivated by being kind to myself, instead, I am motivated through caring, supporting, and loving other people. So asking me to turn inwards, is REALLY NOT WORKING FOR ME. But to tell me that I will find meaning in this or that I will become stronger, leaves me saying.... WHAT THE HELL!???? REALLY!!!!!?
When Mattie died, I may have invested in his Foundation and helped other children based on the lessons I learned from Mattie, but I don't deem his suffering, his death, and my childless existence helpful tools on my quest to find meaning, and I most definitely could have gained strength in a more humane manner.
I feel the same way NOW regarding these trite statements. While awaiting my therapy session to start, I was in the lobby with other clients. A couple was there for counseling and they were sitting next to each other, chatting away. I frankly couldn't watch them. It was a painful reminder of what is missing in my life, and just like I have a sickening reaction to seeing pregnant women (because I always wonder.... will their baby also get cancer), I have the same visceral reaction to seeing married couples.
Three things I am grateful for:
- Seeing a baby deer cross the road. This fawn reminded me of Bambi. A movie I saw a few times with Mattie. I always found it profoundly disturbing when Bambi's mom was killed. As a mom at the time, I couldn't imagine leaving Mattie behind. I never thought it was going to be the other way around.
- It was nature day today! In addition to the deer, I also saw a fox. He crossed the road right in front of me. This is the beauty of living outside the beltway of Washington, DC. Access to nature, it is all around me.
- Sitting outside this afternoon, having tea with my mom. My mom for the most part doesn't like sitting outside. But with her terrible cold, I wanted her to get fresh, warm air.
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