Wednesday, October 21, 2026

Wednesday, October 21, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was home between hospital admissions and that day his cousins were visiting. So we all went for a walk in Foggy Bottom, our neighborhood in Washington, DC. Notice that Mattie was holding a toy car in his right hand..... a tell tale Mattie sign. Though Mattie wasn't up for running around like his cousins, he did his best to catch up and play along. Notice the smile on his face, which always made me happy to see. When I drive into Washington, DC now and I pass these flagpoles outside this government building, I think of Mattie and this moment in time. 

Quote of the day: People hunger for certainty. Even sure knowledge of death is more welcome than a continuation of doubt. ~ Pauline Boss

It was another early morning today, as my parents had dentist appointments in the city. I got up at 5:45am, but no matter how early I get up, it is never early enough. At 9:15am, my mom was still not dressed. So after showering and dressing my dad, I got him downstairs for breakfast. While he was eating, I went back upstairs and herded my mom. I blew her hair out and styled it, got her shoes on, and collected her laundry. However, neither my mom or I were able to have breakfast, despite the fact that it was sitting on the table waiting for us. I told my mom today that something has to change. I have to create a system where she sees a count down of time. Though frankly even with cues and prompts she won't pay attention. So literally I will have to personally give her reminders every thirty minutes, because the stress of this morning was over the top!

I did get to the city, which was a 40 minute drive, parked, and I used Mattie's wheelchair to get my dad into the dentist office. It is too far a walk from the car to manage my dad without a wheelchair and I had my mom hold onto one of the wheelchair handles for balance. My dad's hygienist comes in specifically for him on Wednesdays, as she normally doesn't work that day of the week. I have had two very bad dental visits with my dad and I have now refused most hygienists. But I love Alisa, she works with my dad, while my mom works with Annie (my dental hygienist). Alisa knows all about the nightmare of my life and while she is cleaning my dad's teeth (which she has to do standing up, as he can't lie flat in the chair because of his back and neck), we chat. I tell her she is better than any therapist. She is very empathetic and simply gets it. Any case, my dentist and Alisa told me that I am doing a great job with my dad and Alisa is always impressed with how clean, neat, and well dressed my dad is. As I told her, I run a tight ship! 

After the dentist, I took my parents out for frozen yogurt. When I returned home, I headed straight for the computer to call my mortgage company. I have been trying to get them to do an escrow analysis for me since my mortgage assumption. When I called last week, the woman gave me the run around and wasn't helpful. Today, I wasn't going to get off the phone without answers. I lucked out, I got connected to an agent named Lynda. Lynda is a former marine. I told her I appreciated her service and I think the marines gave her a solid foundation for life. Though she did not know the answers to my questions, she worked the problem. Like any good marine. She and I were on the phone for 90 minutes. During that time, she connected me with other agents and we had a three way conversation. Lynda and Cynthia were God sends and I now have their phone numbers and extensions. Apparently you just can't get an escrow analysis without a work order, so Lynda created one today and the final analysis should come to me at the end of the month. Now why couldn't the representative I spoke to last week do this? I know the answer.... she did not want to spend the time to research and solve the problem. Needless to say, Lynda and Cynthia are examples of what is right in the world and I told them we need to clone them. They said I made their day, and together we all learned more about the escrow analysis process. 

Today's item drive additions! So grateful for the incredible support of our work! 

Tuesday, October 20, 2026

Tuesday, October 20, 2026 -- Mattie died 868 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was home between hospital admissions and that day we went out into our commons area to fly a kite. A kite that Mattie had just received from his support network of friends. Our commons space in Washington, DC was the ideal place to learn to walk, ride a bicycle and fly a kite. The wind blew just the right way in this space to make kites airborne. I miss these Mattie moments, his energy, and zest for life. 

Quote of the day: It is not unusual for others to want closure more than the person experiencing the loss. ~ Pauline Boss

I had a more peaceful Monday night, compared to Sunday. I will never forget the smoke and heat detector alarms that went off or what it took to change the batteries! This morning I got up early because I knew I had to juggle my dad and a service person coming to the house to help maintain the generator. Given that our property loses power at all times of the year, I am happy my parents installed a generator in 2022. But I care for that big piece of equipment religiously. 

Originally when I chose today for a service visit, the company told me that their policy is they will not give me an exact time. Instead, they would only alert me by text message 30 minutes before the tech arrives. That did not sit well with me. So last week, I text messaged Bob, my electrician. Bob works for the same company and he knows what I juggle on any given day. Any case, Bob worked his magic and Shaun came over at 10:30am. Shaun is familiar with my generator, since he helped me in the Winter of 2026, when the generator battery died, and the neighborhood was without power.  

Thankfully the generator is doing well and Shaun says I have a "golden" oldie. Mind you it is only four years old. The new generators rely on technology and as such, there are issues that are arising that need to be worked out. Interesting! 

While I was juggling my dad, getting him to his memory care center, dealing with Shaun, and doing Foundation work, my mom wanted to return a call to her long time friend. Her friend called this morning, while I was showering my dad. Needless to say, I couldn't pick up the phone, though he tried my home phone, cell phone, and my mom's cell phone. If he only knew what I was juggling at that hour! Any case, I got my mom situated for the call and gave her ear phones so she could hear without holding the phone. I waited until she connected with her friend and then I moved along. Ten minutes later, I went out to check on my mom and she had the ear phones in her ears but wasn't talking. I asked her what happened. She didn't know! I asked her whether her friend dropped the call or had to go and do something? Again, she didn't know! So I helped her call back. This time I was listening. Every five minutes the call got disconnected, and her friend kept calling back! Now I knew she had a strong Wi-Fi connection to make the call, so then it hit me..... my mom was holding the phone and whatever she was doing was disconnecting the call. So again, I got up from my desk and told her to leave the phone on the table and to just talk. That worked perfectly!

Naturally in conversation comes.... how is Vicki? I could hear my mom giving a very skewed update. Skewed because it sounded like I was fine, moving on, and having a great life. Seriously I wanted to know who she was talking about. I could even hear the discussion of me dating! The notion that anyone thinks I could possibly date is down right hysterical. To me that negates my long term relationship and everything that has transpired. Not only do I have no intention of dating, I am still wearing my wedding ring. This reminds me of when Mattie died. I think people wanted me to return to being "normal." Actually I don't just think that, I was ACTUALLY TOLD THIS! Friends wanted me to think toward the future! But unfortunately surviving a traumatic loss doesn't work like that, it takes time, more time, and more, more time. That said, I would love to be the Vicki that was discussed today on the phone call.... as she sounds like she is a happy and thriving!

Monday, October 19, 2026

Monday, October 19, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie had returned to the hospital that day, and was admitted. We went straight to the child life playroom to participate in the Halloween activities. As you can see one of the volunteers was dressed up as Ariel, the Disney mermaid! I can't tell you how much I appreciated college students who came to the floor and tried to engage and brighten up the children's days! Together they had fun painting pumpkins and even eating cupcakes! 

Quote of the day: The tension that results from conflicting emotions, especially when family members unresolved grief is not acknowledged, becomes so overwhelming that they are frozen in their tracks. They cannot make decisions, cannot act, and cannot let go. ~ Pauline Boss

It was not a good night. I have been faced with a migraine for three days so far. I think I finally fell asleep at 1am. At 4:30am, I was jolted awake by a very loud beeping sound. Given the hour, I was startled and scared. I did jump out of bed and I started to listen for the sound. At first, I thought something was wrong with the upstairs furnace (which sits in the attic space above my bedroom). I was concerned that something was wrong with the equipment and an alarm was going off. NOPE! So then I moved out into the hallway. As soon as I was in the hallway, I saw flashes of red. There were two detectors on the ceiling of the hallway beeping. I am not talking about a muted beep, I am talking LOUD. I looked into my parent's room and they were both sleeping! Oblivious to the chaos. 

Given that my detectors are connected to my alarm, I had the wherewithal at that awful hour to know..... do not take the detectors off the ceiling. So I debated what do I do? At first, I thought maybe I should go back to bed and try to sleep. THAT WAS A BAD DECISION. My heart was racing with anxiety and fear, as my constant fear since my separation is..... will I be able to figure this out?

Okay, so sleeping wasn't happening, so I decided to go to my alarm's app on my phone. I was able to somehow acknowledge the detectors beeping and that stopped the sound. The first miracle! Of course by the time I got back into bed, Indie activated! So there was NO SLEEPING. Therefore today I am working on 3.5 hours of sleep. As I was getting myself ready today, I felt ill. Not physically ill, but emotionally spent because I knew I had a full day ahead! 

Once I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I came home to address the beeping as there is no way I am having another night like this again. Instead of trying to solve the problem myself, I contacted the alarm company and worked with a lovely woman. She chatted on-line with me and walked me through the process of changing out batteries in both detectors. One detector is for smoke and the other for heat! Frankly I couldn't tell the difference, as they both looked exactly the same, and both of them had low batteries. The only thing the agent did not prepare me for was the deafening sound that was going to ensue when I took the old batteries out of the detectors. Literally my ears were ringing for thirty minutes after that nightmare. But the bottom line is I did it! The only thing is that I have three more detectors in the house, so I am assuming they will all need battery replacements soon (this is the first time in five years I have had to do this!). Given that the detectors take a unique lithium battery, I ordered more today, to be prepared for the next saga. 

I have five hibiscus plants inside for the winter. Plant number 2 is now blooming. To me this is the glorious part of bringing plants inside for the winter, I can see and appreciate greenery.

All my married life, we brought plants into our home for the winter. Even in our apartment. I used to call my apartment's living room window.... my room with a view! The tradition continues!

Sunday, October 18, 2026

Sunday, October 18, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was home recovering from his first limb salvaging surgery. As you can see, his arm was in a cast and a sling. Mattie was busy constructing a haunted house out of tinker toys and he was getting in the Halloween spirit by putting on this witch's hat. I got that hat years before this photo was taken from my next door neighbor. My neighbor wore it on Halloween and before she moved to New York, she wanted me to have the hat to wear on other Halloweens with Mattie. Unfortunately 2008, was the last Halloween we had together. 

Quote of the day: Absence is a house so vast that inside you will pass through its walls and hang pictures on the air. ~ Pablo Neruda

I use this room in my house to stage donated Snack and Item Cart donations. Mattie Miracle is in the midst of our annual drive and I am so grateful to our supporters who never forget Mattie and the work that his Foundation does to support children with cancer and their families. With Halloween approaching, my goal is collect as many snacks and candy as possible to help stock our five Carts located at three different hospitals. In case, you want to participate in the Item Drive, check out our Wish List.

This morning, after I cleaned up the breakfast dishes and got my parents settled before we headed out to brunch, I went into the backyard. I spent 90 minutes out there picking up fallen limbs, branches and pulling weeds. I have noticed over the last month that all my outdoor lights located on the perimeter of the property weren't working. Given that these are solar lights, I knew it wasn't an electricity or bulb issue. So I spent some time in the bushes today, clearing out debris and making sure the light sensors were fully visible to absorb the sunlight by day! Sure enough, voila.... tonight there is light! 

During spring and summer, I had my poinsettias outside. Now I brought them inside and I am determined to get them to turn red again. The only way to achieve this is to deny them light for 14 hours a day. So at nighttime, I cover them and remove the cover at 8am. We shall see if I can make this work, so that they are red and pink for Christmas. When I bought these plants last Christmas, I never thought they were going to grow and thrive. But here they are, so let's see! My other half started this tradition of putting poinsettias in our front hallway in December and daffodils and hyacinths for Easter. I am a person who gets attached to people and the traditions we create together. 

Saturday, October 17, 2026

Saturday, October 17, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was in the outpatient clinic at the hospital and was working on his amazing haunted house. He worked on constructing a haunted house with a very elaborate interior for weeks. When I say elaborate, I mean it! He tiled the walls of the interior of a cardboard box, he had ghosts swinging around on wires, he had a staircase, cobwebs everywhere, and the list went on. It was remarkable to see how Mattie transformed a simple cardboard packing box, into this amazing structure. As you can see, Mattie even created a witch, with the help of his art therapists. This haunted house was therapeutic because while he was in the clinic, he was focused on designing and creating, and not on bloodwork, medication, and feeling ill!

Quote of the day: The loss of our relationship is often a loss of our own self. That is why such loss stretches beyond being heartbroken to being soulbroken. ~ Stephanie Sarazin

My dad had his physical therapy session this morning. It was a tough morning trying to get him together and downstairs. By the time he is downstairs and having breakfast in the morning, I have already had a full day. My dad seems to be having knee and leg pains, and the therapist and I tried to get down to the bottom of it today. What we can see is that walking is getting much more labored for my dad and unfortunately he has absolutely no insight on his abilities or lack thereof. If I were to truly absorb the decline in my parents, it would be depressing. But I do not have the time to wallow in anything for long, because if I do not function, everything in this house stops working.

Later today, I took my parents to the diner for lunch. This is the third week of a horrific experience and meal. Things were so bad today that several customers got up from their tables and left. Though I develop loyalties with people, I realize I can't keep subjecting us to bad food and dysfunction. By the time my mom and I got into the car, we were frazzled and my mom has been napping for hours since we got back home. It is very stressful when food comes out wrong, or not cooked correctly, and I have to send things back and literally oversee the process for all three of us. I have enough stress, I can't be taking on the diner's kitchen problems too. One of the managers was telling me about the two minute, two bite rule that all servers follow. Meaning, when food gets delivered, customers should be given two minutes to start eating and taking at least two bites, before the server checks back in with customers. I told her I appreciated this restaurant rule, but Vicki doesn't need two minutes. I can tell you within 30 seconds or less, whether something is cooked right and is edible. To which she laughed! Each Saturday, my mom and share an omelet. I could immediately see the eggs were over cooked and then I tasted it and I literally pulled it away from my mom. The eggs were cooked in some sort of fat, that was sickening to the taste. So the omelet went right back and I told them it was inedible. No one fought me on this, and yet I ask.... why did someone allow this dish out of the kitchen? It should never have made it to a table! 

My dad created this painting this week at his memory care center. He is very impressed with his work and says he never knew he was an artist. He wanted to title the painting, Evening! However, while having dinner on Friday, we chatted and came up with a final title, Evening in Autumn. 

I am so glad I transplanted my hibiscuses indoors this week when it was beautiful outside. One of the rooms in the house has all my plants for the winter. As you can see one of the plants flowered today! A glorious sight on a cold, grey, and raining day!

Friday, October 16, 2026

Friday, October 16, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was home between hospital treatments and though Mattie wasn't able to go to Fall Festivals like we did in the past, we brought pumpkins to Mattie. Mattie absolutely loved these orange orbs and he particularly loved all pumpkin themed food! This Thanksgiving, I am baking a three layer pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting! A Mattie approved Autumn dessert!

Quote of the day: Unlike death, an ambiguous loss may never allow people to achieve the detachment that is necessary for normal closure. ~ Pauline Boss

I dropped my dad off at his memory care center today, and then went grocery shopping. It is my Friday ritual. In fact, if you speak to any trauma survivor, or someone dealing with loss and grief, you most likely will hear a similar theme! We thrive on consistency, structure, and routine. Why? Because it provides comfort and safety. Just like my grocery shopping routine, I also have a routine when I check out. I go to the self check out area, and while there, I have befriended a store employee. I do not recall what got us talking over a year ago, but what she tells me is that she is an introvert and typically doesn't chat with customers like she does with me. In any case, each Friday, we pick up where we left off the week before. Today, she started the conversation off by saying...... My mom said, XYZ, and I immediately thought of you! Why did she think of me? She thought of me, because I prepared her that XYZ was going to happen! Our conversation usually entails me listening, absorbing what she is saying, and then either reflecting back or providing commentary. She doesn't know anything about me. Does this bother me? Not in the least. In fact, for the most part this is typical of most of my connections. If I share things in a conversation, then it usually means I have a high level of trust and friendship with you. Rather funny, given that I write daily on the blog and those of you who read my words, know a lot about me. That maybe true because it is a pattern that started in a vulnerable moment, when Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. Outside of the blog, rarely do I talk about myself or expect others to listen.

While driving back from the grocery store, I saw my neighbor outside with her son's dog. This dog has anxiety and typically doesn't get along with strangers. Guess who he loves? YES, he loves me. We relate to each other. I know when I see Roger, not to approach him. I have him approach me and I follow his cues. What Roger loves however, is when I call him 'a good boy.' If a dog could smile, then Roger beams with happiness. Any case, my neighbor was over wrought. She is caring for her son who is recovering from surgery and she is worn out from caregiving and trying to clean, cook, and do laundry. She feels comfortable talking to me about this because she knows how I spend my days. I told her that I would be looking for resources for her today and would send them to her. For one brief minute, I almost offered to help her, but then I didn't. I didn't because I have to be realistic, as I am balancing the care of two people already. 

I reached out to the outreach coordinator at my dad's memory care center. I happen to love Erin. Without fail, Erin provided me the names, direct cell phone and email addresses of the owners of two home health agencies. What I like about these agencies is they were started and are run by health care providers who had the personal experience of needing help with a loved one, and the system failed them.  

I have had this plant stand for decades! Pre-Mattie to be specific! I remember buying it when we moved to Washington, DC at the Bombay Company. Which no longer exists. When we moved into this house, my other half bought 12 flower pots, in Mattie Miracle themed colors, to go on this stand. For quite some time, I literally had all those pots on this stand. However, now that I am divorced, slowly, one by one, each and every pot has been removed. Today, I literally removed the remaining pots, put them in the shed, and these three remain. I do not think this stand was designed for clutter. All I know the more clutter I see, the more anxious I get. So for now, I am happy that I can see shells and English house figurines.

Thursday, October 15, 2026

Thursday, October 15, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on October 20, 2008. I will never ever forget that day! We were in the pre-op area awaiting to meet the surgical team for Mattie's first limb salvaging surgery. To say I was stressed, was putting it mildly, but because Mattie was clued into my every move and emotion, I kept my fears, feelings, and thoughts to myself. As it was Mattie who mattered, not me, and I was determined to do whatever was necessary to try to stabilize the disease. Since Mattie's surgery was the first case of the morning, we were up and moving from his hospital room at 4am! Yet despite everything Mattie was enduring..... he was smiling! What an amazing fellow he was!!!

Quote of the day: When our grief cannot be spoken, it falls into the shadow and re-arises in us as symptoms. ~ Francis Weller

In just two days, I went from needing heat, to air conditioning, and now back to heat in the house. Truly it is enough to make a body unstable. Last night, it was literally 85 degrees inside the house. My parents love it that hot, but it was so hot and humid, that by 9pm, I said.... I CAN'T TAKE IT! So I turned the air conditioning back on. Literally within about an hour, the humidity was out of the house, and I could feel myself becoming calmer. 

This morning, my mom had a physical therapy appointment. I prepared my mom last night for the fact that she had to get up early today. Yet if I did not move the process along, she would never have made it downstairs in time by 10am. I told her that now whenever she has appointments, I will be giving her 60 minute, 30 minute, and 15 minute reminders, because otherwise it is just too stressful. I am balancing my dad in the morning, who is a full-time assist, so I truly need my mom to manage timing more effectively. That said, I am aware that in order to accomplish this, I will need to provide her with a lot more structure.

While my mom was in her session, I drove my dad to his memory care center. On the drive home, I turned on the radio. Those of you who have been reading this blog for a while, know that I am a country music fan. This love started early in life, because my dad loved country music. As a kid, he would turn it on in the car, so at a tender age, I learned about emotions, feelings, and human hurts that are so often expressed in country music. I am quite sure that this is why the music resonates with me, because it speaks to the human condition. 

The song my dad and I used to get a chuckle over when I was a child was Sylvia's, Nobody. I think why my dad and I got a kick out of this song was because we both were rooting for the woman whose significant other was cheating on her! Literally we would sing right along with the lyrics! My dad and I operate under a strict moral code, we are loyal to the end, and we expect those in our lives will be this way too. Here is Nobody, in case you want to hear it:

This morning while driving back home, they played a throw back country music song from the 90s. I haven't heard this song in a long time, but certainly I remember it well. While listening to it, I felt I was meant to hear this song. John Michael Montgomery's love ballad, I Swear, is about deep devotion, lifelong commitment, and the promise of standing by a loved on through thick or thin. All I can say is for those of you out there who have such devotion in your lives, you have life's greatest gift. If you are unfamiliar with 'I Swear,' here it is:

When I got home, I moved from one task to the next. Including washing my mom's car by hand, driving it around for 15 minutes, and going to the bank. I absolutely LOVE our neighborhood bank. I know every woman in the bank and each one has helped me in numerous ways. While I was at the teller counter, there was a man at the next counter. He was making multiple deposits for a business. When he heard everyone say.... Good morning Victoria, he told me that he loved my name and that his sister is a Victoria too. Any case, both of the tellers, me, and the fellow next to me got to talking. Each of us has our own struggles and as I said to all of them.... we take it one day at a time. Which resonated with them. Then I joked with them, that several people I interact with, who are also struggling, talk about "living the dream." This made them chuckle. This is a comment that I absolutely love, and for the most part, when people use this line, they are being sarcastic. As they are not living a life that brings them love, support, and happiness. Any case, the four of us did not solve any problems today, but we definitely felt bonded over struggles! I mention this because it speaks to the human condition, we all need a listening ear and to feel understood. As I always say, the greatest words are..... YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

Wednesday, October 14, 2026

Wednesday, October 14, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was recovering in the hospital from his first limb salvaging surgery. That whole experience was a nightmare as the pediatric intensive care doctors were not listening to Mattie's surgeon regarding the dosage of pain medication. I remember doing a lot of screaming in order to get Mattie's pain under control. But during that time, Mattie had a craving for potato chips. Not just any chip, they had to be UTZ potato chips. I remember going all over the hospital, at various hours, from vending machine to vending machine in search of UTZ chips! You can see, they made Mattie happy, and if something made Mattie happy, I was going to get it! 

Quote of the day: Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried. ~ Megan Devine

My day started at 5:45am. I had to get up at that hour in order to get my usual tasks done so that I could get on the road at 10am, to drive to the National Institutes of Health (NIH). One of Mattie Miracle's Snack & Item Carts is located at NIH's clinical center, and I try to visit NIH, at least three times a year to personally drop off items. The rest of the time, I mail items directly from Amazon. Visiting NIH is not a simple task! It literally takes me an hour to drive there, and go through security. I have to be scanned and my car has to be fully inspected in order to get onto the campus. 

My NIH contact, who I have known for years, just retired. So today, I met a whole new set of people who were thrilled to get boxes of toiletry supplies. They told me how vital the Mattie Miracle Cart is and how everyone is looking forward to a candy and snack delivery in November! Specifically I was told...

"We appreciate you and everything you do in ways we can never fully or adequately express!"

When I got home, I moved onto laundry and I worked on the Foundation's October newsletter. I then took my mom out for tea. After I picked my dad up at his memory care center and got my parents settled, I decided to transplant all my hibiscuses inside for the winter. I chose today, because it was 85 degrees and glorious out. Typically I transplant things when it is much colder and I am miserable, as I hate the cold. Today was too beautiful to be stuck inside! Three hours later.... everything is now inside and cleaned up! 

My two big sunny hibiscuses in the white terracotta pots, got significantly trimmed and I dug up their root balls and transplanted them into two different plastic pots. It makes it a lot easier to carry the plastic pots inside! These are glorious plants, that I bought in 2024, in memory of my beautiful Australian Shepherd, Sunny.

I bought another hibiscus this spring. So I have three staged here.

These two hibiscus I bought in the spring of 2025. They are thriving and the geranium in the red pot, I bought in 2024. I trimmed it back today, but it grows like a tree!

This beauty is a Butterfly Ginger Lily! We bought this plant together in 2014 (YES I HAVE HAD IT 12 YEARS), at the Elizabethan Gardens in the Outer Banks of NC. When it blooms, its flower looks like a white butterfly, with an intoxicating fragrance. I seriously thought I killed this plant off over the winter. It wasn't doing well. This spring, I decided to place the pot outside in a different location.... in direct sunlight! As you can see, it responded!!! 

Tuesday, October 13, 2026

Tuesday, October 13, 2026 -- Mattie died 867 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. I will never forget this day! My students at the University put together this amazing Halloween basket for Mattie. It was filled with balloons, decorations, cards, and other goodies. I was deeply honored that my students thought of us, yet for Mattie seeing this big basket upset him. On some level he loved the basket, what was in it, and the thoughtfulness, but on the other hand the basket reminded him that he wasn't living a normal kid life. His friends were going to school, playing, and going to enjoy Halloween. But Mattie felt sick, did not have the same energy, looked different and lived in a hospital. If you think seeing Mattie sad, depressed, and anxious did not impact me, you would be very wrong. I remember absorbing Mattie's pains and trying to make the impossible seem a little more manageable. But I would say, it is very traumatic to see your child suffering and not being able to do anything about it. 

Quote of the day: It’s like I don’t have a right to grieve. ~ Kenneth Doka

This morning, after I showered my dad, I noticed he had two big welts on his temples, right by each of his eyes. Now if I did not shower him myself, I would have thought he hit himself in the head with the telephone shower head. But given that I now do the full shower process, I knew he did not hit his head. I also know he hasn't slipped or fallen AT ALL, since he has been with me 24/7 since Friday evening. So I had to quickly think this through..... what was going on?

I then started connecting the dots. For weeks, my dad has been struggling with an itchy right arm. It is so bad, that he has practically scratched his skin off. Mind you his arm has no insect bites and no rash on it, yet he has this phantom itch. An itch that has been made worse by his scratching. His arm literally looks like he has been attacked by a kitten. 

So this morning, I realized itching and now welts..... equals an allergic reaction. Typically a reaction to a new medication. My dad's doctor started him on a new diabetes medication about a month ago. The new drug has wreaked all sorts of havoc with my dad's irritable bowel issues, but I thought that was the extent of it. Now that I am seeing these other signs, I grabbed my phone, snapped photos of the welts and his arm and sent it to his doctor. I then alerted the doctor to my plan. My plan was to stop giving my dad this diabetes medication for three days and see whether his symptoms subside. I also started him on Zyrtec. This may sound like overkill, but my dad is super sensitive and if I don't catch the allergic reaction in time, I will have to inject him with an epi pen. I have learned this the hard way, which is why I travel with an epi pen in the car and also have one at home. 

It was another glorious weather day! The kind of day that makes you feel good, no matter what else is happening in the world and in your life. My dad was able to do his physical therapy session outside today and while he was out there, I made service calls to arrange for our annual heating check and also reached out to my mortgage company to discuss the escrow. If you have been following along, I have been dealing with a mortgage assumption since May! We are now in October and I am hoping by next week, all aspects of this hateful process will be done. 

Later this afternoon, I took my parents out for frozen yogurt. We visit this store every Tuesday, so you can imagine I know the store manager and all of her employees. In fact, one of the women who works in the store has the same birthday as me! The store loves my parents and they treat them beautifully. But today, I was talking to my birthday mate and she was explaining that she has been unable to sleep for three days. It was so bad, that her husband took her to the emergency room. She got fully checked out (as she is recovering from surgery), and got a clean bill of health. The doctor literally told her she has anxiety, and wait for it...... SHE JUST HAS TO CALM DOWN! When I heard this, I literally laughed out loud! It is very clear to me that this doctor knows nothing about anxiety! Do you know what happens when you tell an anxious person to calm down..... they get more anxious! In addition to talking about anxiety, we also talked about the things happening in her life. I knew immediately that there was a REASON for the triggered intense anxiety. It always comes down to our interpersonal relationships. I say this from experience and I wasn't off based today either. 

Needless to say, I did not solve my birthday mate's problems, but what she did say was.... thank you for listening, for understanding, and for truly understanding how debilitating anxiety can be. She told me that she is in awe of what I do each day for my parents, as she observes it in the store, and we both agreed.... we each have to take it one day at a time. This may sound like a trite statement, until you experience something that makes you reach your breaking point. Then you realize this mantra is the way to survive each second, minute, hour, day, week, month, and year. 

Monday, October 12, 2026

Monday, October 12, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was admitted to the hospital that day! How do I know? Because Mattie was wearing clothes. Whenever Mattie was in the hospital, he only wanted to wear pajamas. However, between hospital admissions, Mattie would wear clothes. Therefore, I can always tell admission days by the photos! The child life playroom at the hospital was having pumpkin decorating that day and of course Mattie was eager to join in as Mattie was all about the pumpkins! 

Quote of the day: Ambiguous loss is the most stressful loss people can face. ~ Pauline Boss

Given that today is a holiday, I had the luxury of getting up at 8am. This is literally unheard of for me, as most days I am up between 6 and 6:30am. Some days earlier. It was a pleasure not rushing around and meeting a time clock! Even Indie seemed to understand not to wake me up, which was appreciated. 

After I got my dad showered, dressed, had breakfast, and then settled in his recliner, I started to do chores. I reprogrammed outdoor light timers, I picked up fallen limbs in the backyard, naturally did a ton of laundry, and even tackled cleaning the inside glass of my oven door. I have been trying to clean this glass on the door for weeks. Nothing seemed to work! I finally read an article by Martha Stewart, who recommended making a paste out of baking soda and water, spreading it all over the glass and letting it sit for 15 minutes. I decided to try it and she is absolutely correct. It cleans the glass without damaging it! So next I am going to try her steam cleaning method for cleaning my oven. Not sure when I will tackle that, but it is on my list. 

This afternoon, I took my parents out to Dairy Queen. It was a beautiful weather day, and it helps to have outings. This chocolate extreme blizzard was the highlight of my day. While we were having our blizzards, I pulled out the game of Quirkle. It is a color and shape game with tiles and it gets both of my parents to think, looks for patterns and converse. Conversing is vital, because if I left my dad to his own devices he would say NOTHING all day long, and my mom would be glued to her phone. So games help draw them both out. They both had a lovely day out and I celebrate these small wins.