Friday, November 28, 2025

Friday, November 28, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. The day after Thanksgiving to be specific! Thanksgiving was a hard day, but again we tried to reset the mood in the house and Mattie went to one of his favorite stores and picked out this Scooby Doo light up Christmas display. Every year, the day after Thanksgiving, we would put up a light display in our commons area in the city. Our neighbors LOVED it and some of them would tell me that the holidays were hard for them, but seeing our lights perked them up. Each year, the light display grew in size! Scooby Doo was added to the display in 2008! It was the last year we decorated for Christmas. I only started to decorate again for Christmas in 2021, when my parents moved in with us. Otherwise, the holidays have lost their meaning for me, as they seem to remind me of the significant losses in my life.  

Quote of the day: Can you miss something before it's gone?" …"I think so. The anticipation of the loss hurts nearly as much as the loss itself. You find yourself trying to hold onto every detail, because you'll never have them again.” ~ Emily Lloyd-Jones

Today, we officially celebrated my mom's 90th birthday. Given the nature of all I am juggling, hosting a party wasn't going to be happening. In fact, I hate photos of myself now because when I see myself, I see a very exhausted and distraught woman. My face doesn't look the same. 

But my parents had a great time today, so my mission was accomplished. 

I was introduced to this restaurant in Great Falls, VA, years ago by my friend, Dawnee. She took me to Chez Francois for my birthday. Seriously it was love at first sight. Going to this restaurant is like a step back in time. Where you aren't rushed through a meal, where peace, tranquility, good food, and lovely service are the only things on the menu. In the summer months, their outside patio is open, which is surrounded by their lush gardens (they have extensive vegetable bed growing items featured on the menu).

They start every meal with an amuse bouche. Today's was butternut soup, with butternut squash from their gardens. It was so good, even my dad ate it! 

My mom and I then had a trio of salmon. When I became pregnant with Mattie, my taste for salmon changed, it just wouldn't go down. Prior to being pregnant, I loved salmon. However, give me lox, and I still love it. 

We then had a salad. 

Our entree was local Maryland Rockfish, which was sitting on a bed of celery root. Which was actually quite tasty. 

The birthday girl! Looking good at 90. We literally had three different desserts:

The candle was in a piece of pumpkin mousse (which actually tasted like pumpkin, in comparison to the night before).

My mom wanted a Grand Marnier souffle. 

This was a piece of black forest cake. 

When I got home today, this Christmas tree inflatable arrived. I got it on sale and I decided to replace the one we used to use, which was a snowman. I prefer the tree and the symbolism of the bright shining star that guided the wisemen to Bethlehem. May the spirit of this season find its way to my home and heart. 

Thursday, November 27, 2025

Thursday, November 27, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. Mattie received this cute turkey hat from his school counselor. I will never forget snapping this photo. He was the cutest turkey around. However, Thanksgiving 2008 (our last Thanksgiving together) will remain fresh in my mind always! Why? Because of the feelings it evokes! Mattie was home recovering from his limb salvaging surgery and he was in pain, miserable, and had classic PTSD symptoms. We tried everything to change the mood in our home, but nothing worked. For me, Thanksgiving 2008, will always be permanently etched in my mind and heart, after all I can't think of something much worse than seeing your child so ill, in pain, and traumatized and NOT being able to do anything about it. 

Quote of the day: In truth a family is what you make it. It is made strong, not by number of heads counted at the dinner table, but by the rituals you help family members create, by the memories you share, by the commitment of time, caring, and love you show to one another, and by the hopes for the future you have as individuals and as a unit. ~ Marge Kennedy

Today was not a good day emotionally. I most likely should have stayed home and cooked Thanksgiving dinner. Going out is becoming just as complicated as it is to stay home. The restaurant was super busy this year, much more so than last year. Navigating crowds with my parents is super challenging and there is just me. I have NO help with bags, coats, and cushions. When we arrived at the restaurant, I pulled up to the front door and parked my car with my hazard lights on. I told my dad to stay in the car, because I had to get my mom inside first. Thank goodness I did this because as soon as we got inside, the front hallway was total chaos. There would have been no place for my dad to sit if I took him inside with us. So my mom and I waited for our table, then 15 minutes later, I helped her to the table and then ran back outside to get my dad. I got him to the table, and then ran back outside again to park the car. Seriously just getting them inside and to the table, was exhausting. Whenever I sit at a table, it is glaringly obvious who is missing, and on holidays that feeling is sickening. 

Though Cheryl, our server, was not working today, she stopped by the restaurant, to give me these gifts. That is how special she is! 

The actual meal was wonderful! My mom and I had turkey. I have always been a turkey fan. In fact if you were to ask me what my favorite meal is...... I would say turkey, potatoes, stuffing, and cranberry sauce! 

My dad on the other hand isn't a turkey fan. So he had ham!

Doesn't this look wonderful? The turkey was super tender, not fatty, and the sides were fantastic! I know you may not believe this, but I practically ate everything on this plate! 

Then came dessert and that was a nightmare. The restaurant serves pie, from a pie company in Maryland. This pie company provided amazing pies last year, but this year, to me, they were inedible. But I admit, I am VERY picky about pies! Food is so important to me, and probably the one and only thing I still enjoy. I actually get very upset when a bad product is served to me. I literally told our server, that I could go into the kitchen at that very moment and bake a better pie! 

But of course no good deed goes unpunished. My dad had to go to the bathroom during dinner. Because tables were so close to one another, I had trouble negotiating through the crowd to get him and his walker to the restroom. When I finally got him there, I had a big clean up job to do of him, the floor, and the bathroom! I don't deal with these issues on occasion, I deal with them daily, and sometimes I say to myself..... who else would deal with this? 

When we finally got home and I got my dad to his chair, you want to know what his first question was when he sat down? It was..... when are we going out to eat?! It was at that point that I lost it. I lost it because I do the impossible to try to make the day as pleasant as possible for them, but with my dad's Alzheimer's he has no memory from minute to minute. Case in point, when I asked him who Anne Spallone was last night, he said that Anne was my mom. WRONG! Anne Spallone was my maternal grandmother! I am well aware that my dad's cognitive issues are disease related and not intentional, but as a human being living with Alzheimer's 24/7 for four years now, there are times that I want to pull my hair out and then on top of that, I curse the day that I was left to deal with everything on my own and live life as a single person. So bottom line, and I am giving you the cliff notes version..... it wasn't a good day. 

Wednesday, November 26, 2025

Wednesday, November 26, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. Mattie was five years old and we were doing what he loved best on the weekends.... walking Roosevelt Island. We traversed that Island at all times of the year. It did not matter the weather and this little piece of natural paradise in the city was a joy to see during every season! After Mattie died, the Island was almost like walking on sacred ground, as we walked every path and saw every part of the Island with my little explorer. Now whenever I drive passed the Island, I think of what my life USED to look like when we were a threesome. It truly seems like a lifetime ago. 

Quote of the day: Because I have nobody and nowhere to go, I’m forced to think of everyone everywhere I am. ~ Karl Kristian Flores

It was another busy day here! But despite all the craziness, I wanted to make sure my mom had moments of happiness.... because today she turned 90 years old. Since my dad as going to his memory care center, I have decided that we are going out for a special lunch on Friday. When my mom got to her chair by the breakfast table this morning, she got flowers, a balloon, and a card. She was very touched, especially given all the craziness I have been balancing recently. 

Even though it is the end of November, today was 70 degrees. It was a magical day! I told my mom that these kind of days are rare, and that it was a birthday gift from God. Given the weather was lovely, my mom got to go outside with her physical therapist and she walked the neighborhood. She walked a mile and she felt good about her accomplishment.  

Later this afternoon, I went outside into the garden as there were things I wanted to get done before it turns very cold. I cut back and cleaned out my day lily bed today!

I trimmed one of my crape myrtles!

I got out the ladder and cut back the climbing hydrangea from the chimney! 

While I was outside, I saw a car pull up! The car brought a tasty surprise from my dear friend, Cheryl. Cheryl and I have NEVER met each other. She is connected to me by marriage and she began to get to know me through Mattie's blog. She has been a faithful reader for 17 years! That is a lot of reading and when my life again fell completely apart in 2023, Cheryl has been one of the people who keeps me from jumping out of the window! 

Wait until my mom sees these treats after dinner tonight. It is the perfect way to celebrate her 90th birthday, and I am so grateful for this kindness, because I truly do not celebrate birthdays or ANYTHING for that matter since I became single. I am so depleted of energy and life, which is why today's gift of love will never be forgotten.  

This photo was taken on October 25, 2018, where my mom was inducted into her school's HALL OF FAME!

As I type this my mom is on the phone with her favorite student (pictured far left)! My mom was a high school math teacher at an all boys public school in the Bronx, NY. She taught at this school for 25 years, before moving to California. This student (and many others) has never forgotten my mom, and he called her to wish her a happy birthday. It is amazing how these acts of kindness can transform one's day!

Tuesday, November 25, 2025

Tuesday, November 25, 2025 -- Mattie died 822 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2002. Mattie was seven months old and desperate to walk! Mattie wanted to by-pass crawling and go right to walking and running! I spent many moments throughout the day supporting Mattie so he would get around on two feet, as he was a very mobile fellow! Notice his sweatshirt. My mentor at Union College, Dr. Twitty Styles, sent me this gift to celebrate the birth of Mattie. I LOVED Dr. Styles. He was my immunology professor and though my fellow classmates felt he was a tough professor, I did not view him that way at all. He was brilliant, charming, and brought scientific material to life for me. In fact, I credit him to turning my academic career around. He lit a spark within my mind, to be curious, to ask questions, and to investigate and turn to research for the answers! Any case, this sweatshirt gift for Mattie meant the world to me, as this college is where I met Mattie's dad, this is were my academic career began, and this was a campus I always hoped to visit with Mattie. 

Quote of the day: It may happen that we miss the people we took care of more than we miss those who took care of us because the desire to love and the search for meaning are stronger than the desire to be loved. ~  Luigina Sgarro

It would be hard to describe the lunacy of my day! I woke up at 5:15am. I had to do this because I did not know the exact timing of the cable repair person or the inspector from the county who was coming to evaluate my new furnace. It isn't like I can just be responsible for myself in the morning! I have to allot time to feed and interact with Indie, to shower and dress, and make breakfast and clean up the first floor. Once that was done, I then had to go upstairs and manage my dad's hour long routine. 

So once I got my dad downstairs this morning, I started the laundry, and got my mom situated. At 11am, everything seemed to happen at once. My dad's physical therapist arrived, my mom's physical therapist arrived, and the cable fellow also arrived. That doesn't sound bad, but neither of my parents can manage ANY THING without assistance, and I have to set them up for their therapy sessions. At one point I was dealing with the cable guy and my dad had urinated on the floor at the same time. I was so overwhelmed, that I wanted to put my head through a wall. But I dealt with all of it, as I jump from one task or crisis to the next.

At 2pm, the county inspector arrived. Mind you I asked for a morning appointment. No one cares about my schedule! The inspector had to go into my attic to evaluate the installation of the new gas furnace. I was concerned about him climbing up the pull down ladder because he had to be at least 350 pounds and seemed to be totally out of breath climbing the stairs. After his evaluation, I asked him how it went. He said, fine! But I learned two hours later that this wasn't the case. We failed inspection. Why? He wants to see the chimney vent certification before he will approve the installation. So I went back to our installer and hopefully we can resolve this issue, because I am exhausted from juggling contractors and workmen over the last two months.

Also I noticed that our front outdoor lights were NOT working again. I just had them fixed last week. I put two and two together and realized that during leaf clean up yesterday, the machines may have cut one of the electric lines. So I called my gardening company today to explain the problem and of course to complain. I could spend 24/7 on balancing the countless issues in and around this house. When I say.... God help me, I am neither exaggerating or being funny! 

Changing subjects! Most of you know by now that Hallmark Movies are my therapy of choice. Last night I watched Holiday Hotline! This movie got me laughing, which I assure you is not easy to do. What is the premise of the movie.... well it features a phone hotline. Not for a mental health crisis, but for people who are having trouble preparing and cooking a turkey for the holidays! Seriously some of the hotline call ins were a riot.... a woman cooking the turkey in the plastic wrapper and wondering what she did wrong, another one wondering if he can defrost a turkey on the roof of his car, and the list went on! I found this absolutely a riot, and in the midst of the laughing, was also a charming story! Given my own life, there are days I wish I could jump right into the movie and escape from my own reality. As the settings for the movies are always lovely, people are genuine, there is a moral lesson, and most of all THERE ARE NO UNHAPPY ENDINGS.

Monday, November 24, 2025

Monday, November 24, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. Mattie was five years old. I have no idea where Mattie got this toy microphone! I imagine it was a gift given to him, but as you can see, he was giving us a performance! Mattie, like many children, gravitated to music. He responded to it and it was Mattie who wanted to take piano lessons. Mattie was scheduled to start lessons when he entered 1st grade. Of course that never happened, as he was diagnosed with cancer at the end of his kindergarten year. Cancer robbed us of so many life experiences!

Quote of the day: You are my beginning and ending, and every sad, happy, hard, easy, beautiful moment in between. ~ Dark Night Beacon

I was so overwhelmed yesterday, that by the time I had to go to bed, I was unable to fall asleep. I must have fallen asleep at around 3:30am, and then was up at 6:15am. When technology doesn't work in my house, it is super stressful. The fact that my parents couldn't watch TV all day on Sunday, was the icing on the cake, and that just about sent me over the deep end. Mainly because I have been dealing with this particular cable issue for two years now. The cable company will come and fix it, and then a few months later, the same problem arises again. I just never know when it will act up and this unpredictable nature makes me edgy. All my married life, I was not responsible for our technology. It wasn't something I excelled at or even liked. So I always knew I could turn to my other half to figure out the problem. Now I have NO back up! I am it! Which is why I have had to assemble a team of people who I can turn to for professional assistance. 

At 7am, the area manager of the cable company text messaged me! Yes I have his cell phone number! He is out of town for Thanksgiving, but he said if he was here, that he would come over today to personally help me. A kind soul! Any case, he asked that I text him on Tuesday morning, so that he can make sure that I get a seasoned technician for my appointment. 

I should mention that as soon as I woke up this morning and went down to feed Indie, I found that she once again pooped on the floor. Seriously getting hit with this first thing in the morning is enough for me to lose it! I am determined to get down to the bottom of her issue and what I will now try is changing her cat litter completely EVERY Monday! Seriously if this is a behavioral issue, God help me. 

Once I got my dad to his memory care center, I then went back home to pick up my mom and take her to her eye doctor appointment. The eye machines make my mom very anxious, so I have to manage her anxiety through the appointment and frankly I am so overwhelmed with managing everyone's needs and emotions. It takes a toll. Thankfully my mom likes the doctor and got a good report. Given that her appointment went smoothly, I decided to drive to Alexandria (which round trip was about an hour of driving) to pick up the Foundation's holiday letter. I am so grateful to our printer, who has worked with us for 16 years now! He prints all of our letters free of charge and even folds them for me. Another kind soul! 

In the midst of all my heartache, I never forget a kind act or beautiful sentiment or statement. I may not remember places, facts, or history, but if someone or something evokes a feeling in me then.... I am like a steel trap. I can recall emotions on a dime. 

When I got home today, this is what I saw. LEAVES!!! Can you see why I need help? There is no way I could possibly manage this myself. Also miraculously.... the cable started working tonight! I was advised to still keep tomorrow's appointment, which I will do, but I feel that Mattie channeled this blessing my way, and I am very grateful.

Sunday, November 23, 2025

Sunday, November 23, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. Mattie was recovering from his second limb salvaging surgery. The only limb not operated on was his left leg. Which was why Mattie used that leg and foot like an arm and hand. Truly it was remarkable to observe Mattie's spirit and ingenious nature, even under the most dire of circumstances.

Quote of the day: Anxiety was born in the very same moment as mankind. And since we will never be able to master it, we will have to learn to live with it—just as we have learned to live with storms. ~ Paulo Coelho

Being that today was Sunday, I had hopes that I could have a more peaceful day. I started the day not feeling rushed and thought, maybe today will be a day where I don't feel like I am going to jump out of my skin! NOPE! It is 9:30pm and I have been managing way too much today. It started with my dad's irritable bowel issues while showering him, to then the cable in the house went out! That may not seem like a problem, but in my house, the TV is vital. My parents watch it constantly. Not having TV today has been sheer torture. Why? Because I had to deal with Verizon and my parents asking constant questions about why they were unable to watch tv. 

Normally I have had NO problem getting through to Verizon support! Today it was impossible. They say they offer 24/7 support. They do not! Or they don't anymore! They need to remove that piece of information from their webpage, along with the chat button (which goes NO WHERE!). I can't tell you how many times I dialed the 24/7 support number today. No one picks up the phone! Or when you get through the automated system, after jumping through several hurdles, you just land up learning that their live support is closed, that it is after hours. Which makes no sense if you offer 24/7 support. I literally was calling throughout the day. I did get a hold of two live people today thanks to my persistence. The first got disconnected with me, which upset me greatly after a thirty minute dialogue. But then I got through to another agent who helped me for over an hour. I was up on ladders, unplugging and re-plugging coax cables, rebooting the router, and dealing with cable boxes. We got it working, but don't you know it, as soon as I hung up the tech call, the cable stopped working again. Literally I can't take the pressure! I can't take the constant stress! I can't take having to figure out everything on my own! I am so wound up that I can feel my heart racing all day. 

I have a Verizon tech visit on Tuesday! But Tuesday is a long way away, especially hearing every two seconds..... why isn't the cable working!? In addition, I can't even get my FIOS app working. So I am livid, stressed out, and paying for a cable service I am not getting. But here is the kicker. This particular cable issue is something that I deal with every two or three months. When did it start? It started when a two year construction project was occurring on my street. Prior to this construction we never faced this cable issue! Now, it is a regular occurrence and I am the ONLY one on the block affected by this. 

Sure in the grand scheme of things, losing cable is not a big deal. I am still able to put that into context, however, when you add this on top of all the monumental things I face daily and have faced over these last two years, I am truly at my breaking point. 

Saturday, November 22, 2025

Saturday, November 22, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. Mattie was in the oncology clinic and working with his art therapists that day. There was a project going on in the clinic, in which the children were given a ceiling tile that they could design and paint. Then the tiles were rehung on the ceiling. It literally was like a very creative mural, designed by patients from the clinic. Any case, Mattie wanted to paint a big roach on his ceiling tile! Why? Not because Mattie was acquainted with roaches, but because he knew I hated them, and it caused most people to react in a squeamish manner. Believe it or not, Mattie used this roach print out to create a large scale roach for his ceiling tile. Eventually that tile made it to the ceiling and it made Mattie laugh whenever he saw it! In fact, Mattie created about four different ceiling tiles, and he was proud of each and every one of them. I can't tell you how it would bring a smile to his face to see his creations on display! For me, it was magical to see his smile, especially knowing his pain and journey.

Quote of the day: There is only one thing in this world worse than dying and that’s watching someone you love die instead—you feel their pain with no final solace. ~ Caroline George

At 4pm today, I stopped what I was doing to visit with my neighbor. As crazy as this sounds, I can't tell you all I had to juggle just to make this visit a possibility. These are neighbors I FIRST met when we moved into our house in 2021. They have been incredibly supportive and when I learned about my neighbor's accident three weeks ago, I tried the best I could to help and assist. While she was in the hospital, I reached out to my dad's home health company. This company provides us in home nursing and physical therapy throughout the year. I literally called them, told them about my neighbor, and told them they had to set up services with the hospital case manager. I also advised them, that when my neighbor returns now NOT to send the B Team of caregivers, because if they do, they will be fired. YES I literally said that, and they understood! Given this company knows my role in my parent's lives, they know I mean business. I am a full service caregiver, and I am not afraid to get my hands dirty. Therefore, I would never ask someone to do something that I wouldn't do myself. My neighbor told me tonight that she is so grateful that I made this connection for her, because it takes the stress off of her and she can instead focus on recovery!

Observing my neighbors, my parents, and my former in-laws (NOT to mention my years of research and professional support to family caregivers), what I have concluded is that AGING is not for the meek. The one commonality that all these people have is they have CHILDREN. I honestly do not know how those of us without children and a spouse make it! Sure you can hire people or go to a facility..... however, it is NOT the same! NO ONE is going to care for you like someone you know and love. That is the simple, pure, and honest reality. Which of course makes me pause and worry. The death of my child and my divorce, maybe ONE TIME events, but these are events rule, regulate, and have destroyed my life.   

Friday, November 21, 2025

Friday, November 21, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. As is typical at most hospitals, if you are stable enough to be discharged close to a holiday.... they do! So after Mattie's second limb salvaging surgery, he was released to recover at home for Thanksgiving. I will NEVER forget Thanksgiving 2008. It was sheer hell. Mattie was miserable, in constant and severe pain, he was traumatized to touch and sound, and I frankly felt 100% helpless. Because Mattie was not allowed upstairs, we had a hospital bed, commode, and IV pole in our living room. As you can see Nurse Patches reported for duty! She was an amazing cat, who knew when her family needed her love and support. Though this photo was taken years ago, I will never forget how overwhelmed, anxious, and stressed I felt. I can't think of anything more devastating than watching your child suffering before your eyes and being unable to make things better. 

Quote of the day: I try to do something positive – I socialize more…But deep down I know the truth. An entire world of people can never replace the one that I’ve lost. ~ Ranata Suzuki

This morning was a total nightmare. Each morning, when I get my dad up, I never know what I am going to face. The two consistent things now are that all his bed linens need to be washed and the shower clean up process is horrific. Every day this week, my dad has had enormous bowel movements in the shower. No amount of rationalizing with him works. As awful as it sounds, the human spirit can get used to just about anything! Just ask any full-time caregiver! Each day, we take on more and more, and what seems ridiculous or absurd to any other rational human being, seems common place to us. However, this morning's shower scene looked like an absolute crime scene. It was so horrific that I landed up screaming! SCREAMING I TELL YOU! Of course my dad had NO UNDERSTANDING as to why I was screaming. To him, his behavior in the shower is NORMAL! Managing this shower nightmare takes me an additional thirty minutes to my already hour long routine with him. Which means that once again, I got my dad to his memory care program late! 

On top of this nightmare, my car dealership called me and the man on the phone said I had outstanding bills and owed them over $1,000! I truly almost lost it! Given all I am juggling, it is quite possible that I did not pay a bill, but it is UNLIKELY! Especially since I keep a monthly spreadsheet! Any case, I was so desperate for answers, that I opened up credit card statements to verify I paid my June and August visits! Any case, turns out this fellow was wrong! He misunderstood what my service provider told him, as most of today's visit was covered under my service warranty. Normally warranties on old cars do not pay off, and most warranties do not cover regular issues! Thankfully my warranty has been a God sent so far. 

After I dropped my dad off, I ran back home to meet the person who was dropping off my repaired car and I also checked in on my mom who was in the middle of a physical therapy session. Once I got my car back, I ran chores. One of the highlights of my day today was going to Lowe's! Sounds funny, no!? I rarely to NEVER ever do anything on my own. I usually have one or two parents in tow. But today, I wanted to see if Lowe's had poinsettias on sale. They did and they are LOVELY! 

While at Lowe's I got to talking to one of their employees. Lovely young lady and I learned she was from Pennsylvania. I bought my plants and then went grocery shopping. While in the meat section, I saw two women discussing turkeys! They truthfully were overwhelmed by the brand choices and did not know what to select. I literally moved right over to them and introduced them to Empire Turkeys! I told them, forget the rest. Once you have an Empire bird, you will not want to go back to the others. Empire Poultry is kosher. Mind you I am not Jewish, as I told these ladies, but Empire raises their chickens and turkeys from hatchlings and they do every process from raising, butchering and packing their own meats, using higher standards than what is required. All I can say is the meat is tender, the birds are not fatty, and when you unwrap the packaging, the bird is super clean. Any case by the time I finished with both of them..... they bought an Empire Turkey! Perhaps I missed my calling. 

Mind you I also returned to Lowe's because I decided to purchase a poinsettia for my neighbor who is recovering from a fall. Don't you know it, as soon as I got in the store, I met up with the young lady from Pennsylvania again. We had a good time chatting, so much so that another customer joined in! Seriously it was a riot. Any case, the customer was asking me about the poinsettias! I told her if she is looking for poinsettias, she has to get these as they look very healthy and the price is right! Typically poinsettias are costly, but they are on sale for $1.98 and $9.98! Again, don't you know it.... this woman bought several poinsettias! 

The turkey and poinsettia experiences today reminded me that when I was in high school, I worked over Christmas at the Limited. It was a clothing store. At first when they hired me, I was supposed to work in every job in the store.... front of the store, the cash register, and the back room. Guess what? Within a week, I was so good at selling clothes, they never took me off the front of the store. I literally was helping, advising, and coordinating clothes for customers. I will never forget it, and within that Christmas season, I was nominated as best employee and was awarded a cash gift. 

Tomorrow I am visiting with my neighbor who was hospitalized and is recovering from a fall. In addition to the white poinsettia I am bringing her, I also baked her almond cookies filled with raspberry jam. I have never made these cookies before. I received this recipe from a friend of my paternal grandmother's! She sent it to me electronically and I decided to try it!

After dinner tonight we all sampled the cookies! It got three thumbs up! We all loved it. Light, fluffy, and truly a treat! The beauty of this recipe is it isn't hard, it is not time consuming, and it produces a great product!

When we moved into this house, we began putting poinsettias in the front hallway at Christmas time. I continue this beautiful tradition! Notice the red dishes under two of the plants? These dishes were given to me by my friend Christine, when Mattie was in the hospital. I remember those dishes then, as I value them now. To me they symbolize friendship. 

Thursday, November 20, 2025

Thursday, November 20, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. Mattie was recovering from his second limb salvaging surgery and they wanted Mattie to do breathing exercises to clear out his lungs. Doing regular spirometer exercises did not interest Mattie in the least. So a friend gave us this clever eye glass straw, which required deep breathing in and out to get the liquid up this straw. Though the straw was for Mattie, you can see that I was using it! This was our typical dynamic..... as Mattie always made me try something first before he would venture a turn. As you can see, Mattie was very focused on what I was doing and paying close attention to the liquid in the straw!

Quote of the day: When I was young I didn't understand, but now, I know, how absence can be present, like a damaged nerve, like a dark bird. ~ Audrey Niffenegger

Each night, after I get my parents to bed, put my dad's clothes in the washing machine, and close up things downstairs, I then head upstairs. But when I do this, I am NOT alone. Indie, my tortoise shell cat, shadows me. She realizes that this is the point in the day when she can get my undivided attention. Sometimes I think Indie thinks she is a dog, and not a cat! When we first adopted Indie (July 2016), I had many months to bond with her, before we rescued Sunny (September 2016). Back in 2016, Indie would sit on my desk while I was working, or even would sit on my lap while I was typing on my computer. But then Sunny came along, and he and I became very close. He was my dog for sure and Indie just accepted this change.

With the death of Sunny, and me becoming divorced, Indie has quickly learned that all her needs will be met by me, and that I am the only one in the house who really pays attention to her. So at night, Indie literally herds me upstairs to my bedroom, and waits for me to get into bed. Once I am in bed, she has her routine! The routine involves walking on me and then settling down right next to my leg. She wants to be petted and eagerly awaits this attention each night. It is rather funny, as I go from caring for my parents by day, to caring for Indie at night. Once she settles down, then I can get some sort of peace, but she is definitely with me until around 3 to 5am. At that point she activates, makes a racket and I literally have to shuttle her out of my room otherwise I can't sleep. So soundful sleep I don't get! Given my full days of caregiving and this cat routine at night, I am very tired! 

This morning, I had trouble getting up! But I knew I had to as my dad had a doctor's appointment. At the appointment, the doctor tried to take blood from him. After three needle sticks they gave up. None of this surprises me, as my dad has something called rolling veins, which makes it virtually impossible to get blood samples from him. But why did I need today's appointment? It wasn't like my dad was sick! Because my dad has diabetes and his health insurer covers the cost of his special shoes once a year. However, to qualify, we need to provide documentation from his primary care doctor. What irritates me about this is MANY things! First off, my dad has diabetes! A chronic disease! That I have to prove this to his insurer each year is ridiculous. But what sends me over the deep end is that my dad was hospitalized three weeks in July. While hospitalized, they checked his sugar levels around the clock and administered him insulin throughout the day/night. His diabetes and treatment were documented for three weeks! But NOPE that doesn't count. The paperwork and diabetes care must be done by the primary care doctor. I want to know what bureaucrat made up these regulations! Clearly one that has NEVER cared for a 90 year old with Alzheimer's! To get my parents to the doctor's office for this nonsense of a visit required a lot of effort on my part. It is a juggling act of helping each one out of the car and into the medical building. Because my mom needs a lot of support, I take her in first, and then come back to the car to get my dad. Once in the building, it is shuttling them to the office, managing bathroom needs, and so forth! Trust me it is overwhelming and again this is just one small portion of my day. It isn't like once the visit is over, I have the freedom to regroup! I don't! It is onto the next need and task. 

In the midst of this, I realized today that I had to stop what I was doing to put together the Foundation's November newsletter! It is just so upsetting that I face all these life tasks alone, and all I can say is I would never do this to someone I loved. If I did, I would be riddled with guilt, remorse, and be deeply ashamed.  

Wednesday, November 19, 2025

Wednesday, November 19, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008, after Mattie's second limb salvaging surgery. Truthfully I have NO IDEA how he was able to smile for this photo! Mattie's right leg was bandaged and casted as was his left arm. In addition to that he was managing a great deal of pain. As I always used to say.... recovering from surgery is far more complicated than the surgery itself. Truthfully how we survived that moment in time is beyond me. But Mattie had a certain spirit that was contagious and I am certain that our love and bond gave me the courage and strength to deal with the impossible. 

Quote of the day: The dead are immune from our prison of Time. The distance between the living and dead may be vast, but the space of Time the dead experience when they are reunited with their loved ones is only paper-thin. ~ Suzy Kassem

Each morning, I just never know what will be in store for me. It is always something. However, this week I am seeing that with my dad's cognitive decline, he is now going to the bathroom in the shower, practically every morning. He has no control over his irritable bowel symptoms. I assure you it is a huge clean up job for me and by the time I finish getting him ready for the day, I feel like I have gone ten rounds. Yet that is only 1/16th of my day. 

When I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, 30 minutes late mind you, I ran into another caregiver. She too looked harried and she said..... it was a BAD morning! Which was why she also got her husband to the center late. She did not have to say any more to me, as we were immediately on the same page with one look into each other's eyes! 

Once I got back home, I told my mom that I needed to take two hours out of the day and get the computers remotely checked! I try to do this every three months, where they are scanned for issues, viruses, cookies and other things that could harm the computers. I am so thankful to have this service, because I never did computer care in my entire married life. So I have absolutely NO IDEA how to do this! Yet our lives are regulated by machines and I run the Foundation through my computer. So things have to function and function safely! 

As the clock gets close to 1pm, I know I am on borrowed time, because my mom starts getting restless. She will actually pace! She wants to go out and I feel so much pressure. Pressure, because the time my dad is at the center, I could use this time to get things done! But she can't understand or appreciate all that I have to juggle. 

While we were out and about, I saw a car's license plate that read "HIS PLAN." At first I did not get it, but then I saw the slogan on the plate which said.... In God We Trust. I am not sure why seeing this hit me, but it did. I think when you are going through impossible times, it is natural to turn to a higher power. Something has to ground me, because my personal foundation, and everything I once knew and understood no longer exists. I have to admit I do not understand the world we live in, where people hate, hurt, kill, and harm one another. Nor do I understand a world in which children get sick and die. It is not something I can comprehend and then naturally I ask myself, where is God in all of this? How does he allow these awful things to happen? But most importantly I always ask God.... why me? Why have I been chosen to have such cruel things happen to me? Again there are no answers, but the one thing I am certain about is God is used to my many questions. He maybe the only one who can truly handle whatever I dish out. 

Ironically when I saw the "His Plan" today, I started crying. Not emoting out of pain or sadness, which is my usual state, but out of the notion that perhaps there is a plan! A plan I am not aware of, a plan that I can't imagine, but nonetheless a plan. I hold tight to the hopes that there maybe better days ahead, because truthfully I can't see them AT ALL. I feel completely blank, in which nothing interests me, I see nothing to look forward to, and I have no hopes for the future. Which is why when I say, God help me, I am neither joking or being sarcastic. 

I guess if you are reading this blog, and have days, weeks, and years like mine, then you know exactly how I am feeling. May we all have the courage to face the next day, and may we open to signs, glimmers, and possibilities. As these miraculous things some times just appear when we least expect them.