Thursday, March 27, 2025

Thursday, March 27, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2003. Mattie was almost a year old. Mattie was sitting in "tot wheels." Which had to be his favorite thing, because it was a walker with wheels. It gave him independence to move freely! Mattie loved to sit in tot wheels and zoom around the first floor of our home. Where ever I was, Mattie wasn't far behind!

Quote of the day: Nothing is so strong as gentleness, nothing so gentle as real strength. ~ Francis de Sales

Another full day here. I am working with someone who is helping me clean, stain, and seal my porch wood. I was going to take this on myself, but then I realized..... I have NO IDEA what I am doing. I trust this person because he is a friend of my landscaper. Nate has given me an education about my porch wood and I am learning about the beauty of Brazilian IPE wood. Which apparently is the hardest, strongest, and most naturally resistant to rot, abrasion, weather, and insects. Ipe is one of the longest lasting woods in some cases well over 75 years. Therefore, I want this wood preserved. Ironically I remember when we first moved into the house, someone told us to replace that wood with Trex. I am so glad I did not listen to them!

Some where along the line today, I was asked to join a conference call. I admit that participating in anything for me right now is challenging. Mainly because I never have a minute to myself. But today while on the call what also hit me is my other half is not on the call with me. We started this particular project together and we had a way at analyzing things from all angles and what I always thought was..... we were stronger together. Until I guess we were not! Nonetheless, after I got off the call, I felt I LOST MY PASSION, my drive, my outlook, and a way forward. Things that once excited me, that I was passionate about, are now much more gray. Could tomorrow be influencing how I am feeling? Maybe, but when you have been married to someone for close to 30 years, and dated for 7 years before that, that person becomes a part of you. In a way, you form a third identity, the identity that is the meddling of two people. The kind of meddling whether we knew what each other was thinking and we could finish each other's sentences. 

Being divorced is like losing a whole portion of myself and my life. I have been married much longer than I have been single, and therefore, I feel like I am navigating the world now without a limb or my skin. It is simply painful, and yet I am the only one feeling the pain. 

After getting off the conference call this afternoon, I felt so dejected and sad, that I had to get up and do something. I couldn't sit with that horrid feeling. So what did I do? I started cleaning windows. I went outside, got fresh air, and made something cleaner and looking better. Those kind of tasks are my diversions and frankly are more therapeutic for me than therapy itself. 

If you are reading this and have been following my packing saga over the last few weeks, then I ask you to think good thoughts for me tomorrow as I face a move out of things I never wanted to see leave in the first place. 

Wednesday, March 26, 2025

Wednesday, March 26, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. Mattie was in the outpatient clinic working on a pottery wheel. To my knowledge this was the first time Mattie used this wheel! He took to it like a duck to water. What I did not realize, was he was in the process of creating a vase for me, for Mother's Day. Mattie worked on this piece over several weeks and truthfully I wasn't putting two and two together, until I was surprised with the vase! Mattie glazed it a lovely red color (our favorite color) and to this day, this vase sits in my living room!

The beautiful vase! Another Mattie masterpiece!

Quote of the day: It is good to love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is well done. ~ Vincent Van Gogh

Now a week later, and my mom is still struggling with a cough and exhaustion. Given her age and lung conditions, recovery for her takes longer. I had a telehealth visit today with my urology office. You may recall that about a month ago, I forgot I had an appointment and I literally blew it off. I rescheduled it for today and I apologized to my doctor's nurse. She was very understanding about it and told me not to worry or give it a second thought! A kind soul. Any case, my appointment was at 2pm today. I explained to my mom that I couldn't take her out until after that call was over. Sometimes things register with her, other times no. 

Once I got off the phone, my mom was in a state. She complained that she was thirsty and hungry. Mind you, she had breakfast (at noon!). So I would have hoped she could have entertained herself for a few minutes, while I was on the call. Nonetheless, my life is jumping from one task to the next and truthfully my day is about meeting my parent's schedule and needs. Most days, I can deal with it, but this is a particularly hard week. Seeing things packed up in my home is not easy. No matter how much time goes by, my mind and heart can't process as fast as my body. My body is moving around, doing tasks, packing and organizing. But while I am doing these tasks, I literally blot out the feelings and emotions associated with packing up things from my marriage. Things that were once ours, are no longer. 

I have one chance to pack things up and therefore I have to be as thorough and thoughtful about how I am doing this, which means going through every room and every drawer. When I think I am done, I remember other things. As of tonight, I think I have packed and gathered as much as I physically can. 

It is very difficult after 35 years to be the one left behind. To be the one that is apparently easy to leave. I truthfully never thought I would be facing this ever in my life, and all I can say is................ there goes my life. Literally this week, while packing, I had Kenny Chesney's song floating through my mind. The context of the song is different than what I am experiencing, but the sentiments and emotions are 100% the same! If you have never heard the song, here it is......

Tuesday, March 25, 2025

Tuesday, March 25, 2025 -- Mattie died 787 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2005. Mattie was almost three years old and was FULLY on! This was what a typical scene in our home looked like. Mattie was all about building and creating and loved his trains. Of course no scene was ever complete without his sippy cup of milk. I always joked that Mattie was going to have the healthiest bones around because of all the milk he consumed. I would never have guessed that at age six he would have been diagnosed with bone cancer. 

Quote of the day: It isn't what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it. ~ Dale Carnegie

Last night, I decided to take on a project to try to disassemble a desk that is getting moved out of the house on Friday. What a BIG mistake. I worked so hard on it, that I literally thought I was going to pass out. I felt light headed and nauseous. Mind you I had a migraine all day, which felt like a screw driver was going through my eye. I was so debilitated that I did not think I had the energy or ability to take my dad upstairs to bed. When the clock hits 10pm, my dad wants to go upstairs. With Alzheimer's my dad no longer has the capability to understand other people's issues or needs. Since it wasn't safe for me to take him upstairs right away, I ran to get my migraine anti-nausea meds and went to sit outside to get fresh air. I spent about 15 minutes trying to stabilize enough so I could take my dad upstairs. 

However, even when I went to sleep, it wasn't peaceful. At 5am today, I was jolted awake with the notion that I had to pack MORE for Friday's move out. When I am jolted awake, my head and heart start pounding. Despite the fact that more has to be packed, I just wasn't able to get to it today. I was juggling one thing after the other. But what last night has told me, is that I need to be careful. I am on the verge of a complete physical and emotional breakdown. 

At around 4pm today, I literally sat on my bed and fell asleep for 45 minutes. That is how tired I am, because I never nap. But there was no way I could function without rest. When I got up, I scrambled to put together a fundraising application and to do some other work. Tonight's blog is short, in hopes that tomorrow is a better day. 

Monday, March 24, 2025

Monday, March 24, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2005. Mattie was almost three years old and he was very proud to have his first bat. Now here's the irony of all of this.... Mattie was like me... he truly had no interest in sports. What did Mattie like about going to a baseball game? Try the people watching. Mattie and I both had a fascination about connecting, learning, and observing people. Got to love that smile. 

Quote of the day: We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just a step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up, seeing it is not as dreadful as it appeared, discovering we have the strength to stare it down. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

This morning, by happenstance, I bumped into a friend. We started talking and caught up for about thirty minutes, as I sat in her car. In the process of talking, I mentioned that life for some people is absolutely hard and tragic. Her response to me was that everyone has issues and crises, and some people just seem to absorb them, move on, and live productive lives. Do I think this is true? Yes to some extent, as one's attitude can help mitigate what life throws at us. But with that said, I personally feel like I have had more than enough to deal with and unfortunately all of these things together have altered who I am. No I do not have a happy go lucky view of life and NO I do not see a path forward or a future. Around 50% of my future died with Mattie and the other 50% died when I got divorced. So that leaves 0%, and I navigate through life being the caregiver to my parents. I can't even fathom life beyond that, as what else is left? Other than my own death. 

I juggled picking up prescriptions today, grocery shopping, laundry, paying bills, figuring out how I am going to pay bills, and dealing with some of my mom's paperwork. When I navigated all of that, I then focused on Foundation correspondence. 

Just when I think I am finished packing things up, other items come to mind that don't belong to me, and I then go searching for them. When all is said and done, by Friday, many of the items that were part of my shared married history will be moved out. So what does that mean? Was I ever part of that family? Am I a part of that family now? Did my last 35 years exist? Try loving someone all your adult life, and then NOT have them in your life! It is disorienting, confusing, and highly upsetting. At the end of the day, how could I be so wrong thinking that the person I was with loved and respected me the same way I felt about him? AGAIN NO ANSWERS, just lots of questions! 

Then out of the blue today, I got an email from a friend. This is a friend who wasn't aware of my divorce. I mention this because unless you read the blog, you will HAVE NO IDEA what is going on with me. I have shared my issues with few people! Any case, my friend wrote:

I think you are an extraordinary human being -- full of compassion, a bright mind, a creative force for good in the world, completely devoted to family and friends, exhibiting grit and grace under the most unimaginable of fates. 

The reason why I captured part of what she wrote here, is because some days such reflections get me through the day. When your world comes crashing down all around you, such reflections are like being resuscitated alive. People who know me, know my character, they know my core values, and they know that I put 100% into all my relationships. Moments when I am down, I am grateful for friends who remind me of the person that they have known, valued, and loved for years.   

Sunday, March 23, 2025

Sunday, March 23, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old! Mattie loved behind outside. He truly did not care about the weather! Since this was where he wanted to spend his time, I learned to manage through rain, snow, freezing temperatures, and summer heat. Mattie's facial expression here said it all! He was signaling to me he was ready to go out and we wanted to know what on earth was taking me so long to get my coat on!

Quote of the day: If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward. ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Everyday, I get photo memories sent to me in my email box. This was today's! It was taken on March 23, 2013. By that point, Mattie had been gone from our lives for four years. Slowly but surely we began to transform our townhouse in the city. To clean out the piles of things that were everywhere. In the process we decided to paint every room. The process of cleaning out is always hard to start, but once I get started, I find that I become motivated by the changes I see. 

Through the course of my marriage, we did many things for ourselves like painting, gardening, replacing the kitchen floor and the list goes on. Hard work and work in general is not something I have ever shied away from. 

My mom is still coughing and exhausted. Though we usually go out on Saturday and Sunday, we went no where this weekend. My mom thinks she can go out, but literally just getting up in the morning and having breakfast, is exhausting for her. So until I see an improvement in her, she is going nowhere. Since we were stuck at home, it gave me the perfect opportunity to get more done. 

As of tonight, I have packed up everything that doesn't belong to me, and have stationed things in three locations. I have been at this for two weeks so far. Today, I had to address these beds. The frames were created by my mother-in-law's father. One frame was for her when she was a child and the other was for her sister. When her sister died, we received both frames. In fact, Mattie slept on these beds, so these frames have seen many generations! I stripped these beds today and laundered everything on top of them.

You can see Mattie put stickers on the bed frame. When he was well and would visit his pediatrician, she always gave him a sticker at the end of his medical appointment. Mattie placed many of his stickers on his bed! It is hard to believe that the stickers remain, but the boy is gone!

Today while packing things up, I felt like I was having a Muriel's Wedding (1994, movie) moment. I put the clip of what I am talking about below, so you know what I am talking about. Look at minute 3! In the movie, she is leaving Porpoise Spit (her town), and as the taxi drives away, she screams out the window, saying goodbye to things like.... goodbye mall, goodbye ocean, etc! 

It is hard to say goodbye to items that have been a part of my life for decades. My life and my husband's life were intertwined for 35 years. No small amount of time. Therefore, it takes great inner strength to comb through things and say goodbye to them and what they symbolized. As with everything I did in my entire marriage, this task was no different. I faced it in a kind, loving, and respectful manner. All things were organized, labeled, and packed. 

Muriel's Wedding, check out minute 3:

I would like to say my day ended with packing. NOPE! I went outside today to attack the shed. I did the first big clean out today. This is after Richard, the raccoon guy, shoveled out raccoon feces, sprayed a disinfectant mist all over the shed, and removed bigger items that were decimated. Even with all of Richard's work, I was at it for about three hours today. I filled a whole garbage bin with junk and debris. We have many storage bins in the shed. I dragged every one of them out, hosed them off and cleaned them with Clorox. It will take many more passes, but a good portion of all the feces and debris are now gone. It was not a fun job, but wow................. I can actually walk into and use the shed! 

Saturday, March 22, 2025

Saturday, March 22, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old. That evening we were sitting on the couch together, surrounded by books. Mattie loved to look at books, and enjoyed listening to me read them. Mattie was fascinated by the illustrations and he always took the whole experience in! He had the best smile!

Quote of the day: It's your reaction to adversity, not adversity itself that determines how your life's story will develop. ~ Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Given that my mom has been sick all week, I have been very home bound. She was still struggling today. She is absolutely exhausted, congested, and has a bad cough. I was hoping the antibiotics would help, but she could have a virus, and that will have to play out its course. 

After getting my parents situated and comfortable in the family room, I went to the backyard to start doing some weeding in my flower pots. I picked up sticks and got some fresh air, which is always appreciated. 

When I came inside, I prepped a chicken meatloaf. I love adding sauteed vegetables to the meat, as it makes it lighter and my parents can get lots of vegetables this way. This meatloaf had onions, basil, broccoli, asparagus, mushrooms, and carrots in it. 

I chopped up sweet potatoes and baked them with cinnamon and nutmeg, and made string beans.  

My mailman surprised me with a big box today! In it was many gifts for all three of us from my dear friend in St. Louis. My dad kept asking.... why are we getting gifts? I told him it was the best kind of gift... an unexpected one, to show us that WE ARE NOT ALONE.

My dad opened up his gifts! My dad is ALL about the chocolate chip cookie! He literally eats two or three a day! 

My mom was thrilled with the chocolate. It is amazing how an act of kindness combined with chocolate can turn one's day around. 

These were my gifts. The sunflower blanket means so much to me, as the sunflower is so symbolic of my journey during Mattie's cancer diagnosis. Team Mattie used to give me fresh sunflowers whenever we were home from the hospital. The sunflower has come to symbolize love, compassion, and community to me! My St. Louis friend has been an incredible support for decades, but now that I am facing the world alone, her insights, love, and support, almost on a daily basis, are indescribable. 

Chocolate, tea, a fragrant candle, and a blanket..... it was like receiving a box filled with love and comfort! 

The comfort of this box, carried me through another round of packing today in the basement. I now have things staged to be moved out of the house in three areas. I knew that packing and organizing would be key, because when movers come in, they want to hit the ground running.... they do not want to wait around to determine what needs to be moved. So though this was labor intensive on my part, not to mention emotionally laden, I once again rose to the occasion in order to do the responsible thing. 

Friday, March 21, 2025

Friday, March 21, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old by that point. That day we took him to the Children's Museum in Washington, DC. The Museum was filled with a lot of hands-on activities, which were right up Mattie's alley. Everything from sand to big vehicles like a firetruck which Mattie could climb aboard. It was our first and last trip to that Museum, but it was a day I will never forget. 

Quote of the day: A part of kindness consists in loving people more than they deserve. ~ Joseph Joubert

Starting on Wednesday, I noticed my mom was getting sick. She was coughing, congested, and seemed exhausted. She also developed laryngitis. When my mom gets sick, my balancing act at home goes up exponentially. I tried getting her to rest, take Tylenol, and cough syrup. But this morning I knew I had to intervene. So I contacted her doctor. Given that my mom has a significant lung condition, the doctor prescribed antibiotics, but he wanted me to test her for COVID and the flu. I knew about over the counter COVID tests, as I have several of them at home, but the flu is another story. The last thing I wanted to do was to take her to urgent care for a flu swab. So I asked the doctor whether there was a rapid test for the flu. He said..... YES and to get it at CVS. CVS has a combined COVID and FLU rapid test. Brilliant! This will make my life so much easier, as my parent's doctor always asks me to swab them. 

Any case, my mom did not enjoy the swabbing process, but complied. She is negative for both, yet is still quite ill. I am juggling her care and needs, as well as my dad's. When I went to CVS today to pick up her script, as I was leaving the store, I heard someone say.... hi Vicki! I wasn't sure who it could be, since most of my friends do not live near me. I turned and saw it was Nate. Nate runs his own stone cleaning company and I was introduced to him by my landscaper. Nate will be working with me starting next week and as odd as this sounds, it was very nice that someone stopped for a moment from their busy day to say hello. 

Switching gears. Thankfully I had homemade turkey and chicken soup in the freezer. I freeze soups for moments like today! It is a hard reality being a caregiver to one's parents. Mainly because you know what the outcome will be. It isn't like caring for a child, who will eventually grow, mature, and become more independent. OH WAIT..... I did not experience that either with Mattie. 

Caregiving is a challenging job because there are no minutes or days off. No matter how I feel, I need to push through those feelings because things need to be cleaned, laundry needs to be done, food needs to be bought and prepared and of course Indie needs to be fed and cared for. Let's not talk about caring for the house. 

Later today, I went to the basement to start packing up items. Indie, my cat, was in tow. She is paying very close attention to all the work I am doing and I can't tell whether she is fascinated or anxious by all this activity. Nonetheless, you have to wonder, what is she thinking? After all, she wasn't my cat, she wasn't bonded with me throughout my marriage. Yet now she is my full responsibility and the beauty of Indie is she figured out pretty quickly that she had to hitch her wagon to me. As I am the only one giving her food, cleaning her litter box daily, and paying attention and playing with her. Somehow she seems to know that her presence is appreciated as I comb through items from my marriage and pack things away. I would expect this from Sunny (if he were alive), but I am most surprised by Indie! 

It will be hard weekend with my mom sick and more packing in store for me. All I can do is take it one task, moment, and box at a time.  

Thursday, March 20, 2025

Thursday, March 20, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2007. Mattie was almost five years old. That spring break, we took Mattie on a trip to Key West, Florida. One of our adventures was to the aquarium. You will notice that Mattie and I were examining a horseshoe crab. Mattie was intrigued but was definitely NOT going to touch it! That was my job, which I must admit I wouldn't have touched this creature either, if Mattie wasn't with me. As his mom, I knew I had to model certain behaviors and since Mattie was a naturally curious fellow, I wanted to show him that it was okay to touch the crab, especially when the scientist was holding the crab's pointed tail. 

Quote of the day: Kind words not only lift our spirits in the moment they are given, but they can linger with us over the years. ~ Joseph Wirthlin

Do you think a kind word or two can transform your day? I do! I know it can, as this morning, when I woke up and checked my email, I received a lovely message from a blog reader in Europe! She shared several reflections with me and at the end of her message she wrote..... "You are not alone." I don't know about you, but these four words are very powerful to me. They convey much more than the three words most people want to hear.... I love you. In some ways, "I love you" can be trite or said by rote! But "you are not alone," is intentional and conveys to me that I am being understood, heard, and supported. 

Yes supported. Certainly this blog reader isn't next door, she is not even in this Country, yet given what she was writing, I could tell she follows my story, is absorbing it and through her words lent incredible support. I assure you I never felt this upbeat coming out of therapy. So I say to my European blog friend...... THANK YOU, your words are a gift!

This morning, when I got downstairs to make breakfast, I looked out the kitchen window and I noticed the garden fountain wasn't on. It goes on every morning at 8:33am, on the dot. It was 8:34am, and I panicked. Seriously you would be amazed what causes me to get stressed out. Any case, I checked the circuit breakers and they were fine. So I went outside to check the electric outlet. It too was fine. I did not have time to tinker with this as I had to finish my morning routine and get my dad up for his foot doctor appointment. 

So I continued on with my chores. Before going upstairs to wake my dad, I went to the fountain one more time. This time I went to the fountain timer and switched it from timer to manual mode. At that point the fountain turned on. This told me that nothing was wrong with the fountain. So I cleaned up the timer and reset it and switched it back onto timer mode. Sure enough it worked. Let's hope that it automatically goes on tomorrow morning. 

Any case, that was the second positive thing to happen today after receiving a beautiful email. Unfortunately my mom has developed a bad head cold, cough, and laryngitis. When she gets sick, she can be down for the count. Even though she wanted to go out today, I said no, that she had to rest. I made the right decision. 

While at my dad's doctor appointment, I got a call from Richard. Recap, Richard is the raccoon expert helping me with Ricki! I have been working with Richard since Monday. Ricki the raccoon has caused absolute havoc in my shed. He has torn up everything, created a four foot hole in the shed, and let's not talk about the urine and feces everywhere. If anyone in my area has issues with wildlife like raccoons, I highly recommend VA Animal Control. Why?

Meet Ricki! They told me they were going to capture Ricki and sure enough! They know their stuff and came to the property each day with a different strategy to get Ricki into one of the three traps. Truthfully Ricki looks adorable, but if you could see the consequences of Ricki, you would think differently. Any case, Ricki was taken by Richard to a forest to hopefully live a happy and free life. 

Richard installed sheet metal on the walls of the shed and then he helped me by removing large items in the shed that had been decimated, such as old window screens, large pieces of wood, wire racks, and shelving. Truthfully these pieces were so big, I couldn't manage them myself. Richard and his colleague removed and disposed all of this for me! GOOD GUYS! Then after they cleaned out the big pieces, they removed all the feces and misted the entire interior with a disinfectant spray. I will give that time to work, and then it will be safe for me to go in and do more cleaning and reorganizing. So I view this as the third great thing for today!

Once I got my parents settled to relax this afternoon, I went out by myself! Truthfully a first! I wanted to give Jason (our favorite server at our local diner) a birthday card and gift. He takes incredible care of my parents and we were scheduled to see him today to celebrate his birthday. Given that my mom wasn't up to going out, I did not want to miss Jason's birthday. When I got to the diner and told Jason the story, he was so touched that I would make a special trip to see him when I was juggling so much. No matter how distraught I am, I hope I will always be able to step back and acknowledge the kindness of others around me!

After visiting with Jason, I then went to Sherwin Williams. Why? Well I wanted to get a can of paint to touch up a few of our walls. When I pulled things off the walls a few days ago, I also pulled off the paint. Going into Sherwin Williams was an interesting experience. Mainly because I was surrounded by contractors working projects. Any case the man behind the counter was super helpful. I explained what I was trying to do. Originally I thought getting a paint sampler can would suffice, but he alerted me that the quality of a sampler can is NOT as good as the actual paint itself. Fortunately I knew the paint color, as I picked it back in 2021! However, I did not know if the wall color was a flat or satin paint. So that led to more questions and the fellow pulled out a sampling pallet to show me the difference in sheen. Which confirmed that our paint has a satin finish at home. Truthfully what I have learned about being on my own is that it is okay to ask questions, to ask for help from people who have knowledge that I don't, and in the process I feel empowered to further help myself. 

Wednesday, March 19, 2025

Wednesday, March 19, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2005. Mattie was almost three years old. That day we took Mattie to Butler's Orchard in Maryland. This was one of our favorite farms to visit as they planned wonderful events for the children for the Fall and during Easter season. That day we went for their Easter egg hunt. I am so glad we did all sorts of adventures with Mattie. We squeezed a lifetime into seven short years. 

Quote of the day: Stress acts as an accelerator: it will push you either forward or backward, but you choose which direction. ~ Chelsea Erieau

It was a regular three ring circus this morning. The raccoon fiasco continues. So apparently Ricki Raccoon did enter the shed last night. How do I know? Because Richard created a cardboard tunnel and door yesterday, to see if the cardboard would be disturbed. It was disturbed and scratched. So we know that Ricki is still living in the shed. Of course Ricki is smart enough NOT TO GO into the traps! Any case, Richard further educated me today, and he put up another piece of cardboard attached to the shed wall with screws. He wants to see if Ricki scratches his way in tonight. If he doesn't then they are sealing up the whole back wall of the shed with sheet metal tomorrow. 

Over the course of the last day or so, I was talking to another wonderful friend of mine. She was concerned when I told her I was planning on cleaning out the shed myself. Given that raccoons carry disease, it may not be a wise idea to do this myself. After thinking this through, I decided to discuss the clean out process with Richard. Richard is going to use a disinfectant mist all over the shed's interior, he will shovel up the feces he can see, and he has also agreed to help me throw out big things in the shed that have been decimated. It is almost impossible to describe what one animal could do to a shed. 

Richard told me that the raccoon in the shed is most likely a male. He says that the males are loaners. They mate, but after mating, they leave the female to birth the babies and raise them herself. I told Richard we also have possums in the backyard. He says the possum is a great creature to have, as they eat ticks, mites, and keep a garden clean, without being destructive. BRING ON THE POSSUM! 

Richard and his colleague were up on our roof today installing the metal guards around our attic fans. The sound of people jumping all over the roof was disheartening, but whatever it takes to keep Ricki out of the house, is a plus. While working with Richard, our carpenter arrived to discuss how to fix the shed doors. They have practically disintegrated and it is close to impossible to shut the doors. All I know is I have become a project manager of multiple problems and issues in the house. Truly no day is peaceful and frankly I see no end to this, to me this is now my life.

As an aside, I had the opportunity to talk with a neighbor today while outside. I think so many people want me to have a happy life, to find peace, and to see a future of possibilities. In this person's words to me.... "the best is yet to come." I absolutely get why people try to remain positive with me, but in the process of being positive, it negates how I am feeling. I truly do not know how anyone could conceive that I could go from being married to divorced, after 35 years together, and be happy about it. 

I can say that one entire room in my house has now been packed up. I have packed about 12 boxes so far. Tomorrow, I move to the next room. As I come across items that are not mine, I set them aside. All items are boxed, organized and labeled. I have learned from experience that getting started is always the hardest part. So I take it one day and box at a time. 

Tuesday, March 18, 2025

Tuesday, March 18, 2025 -- Mattie died 786 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2006. Mattie was almost four years old. You will notice that he was standing in a flower pot. We bid on that flower pot at Mattie's preschool auction. We won it and when Mattie saw it, he was excited that it belonged to us. With regard to the balloon, Mattie got that balloon at the grocery store that day (this particular store used to give out balloons and cookies to kids who were shopping with their families). In fact, Mattie loved going to that store just for that reason. Any case, when Mattie stepped into the flower pot with his balloon, I thought it was worthy of a photo! But what this photo tells me was Mattie really loved his preschool and was happy to have a part of something created at the school in his home. 

Quote of the day: You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go. ~ Dr. Seuss

As I am in the process of boxing and packing things around my house now, my mind wanders back to 2013. Packing and dealing with emotionally laden things, has a way of triggering past experiences. 

 

This photo was taken four years after Mattie died (2013). Every room in our home looked like a warehouse. Why? When Mattie had cancer, each and every day he received gifts and items from friends, family, our care community, and the hospital. We rarely were home, but when he did return there between chemotherapy and surgeries, we would dump what we received all over our house. When I say dumped, I literally mean dumped. Things were put in piles, all around the perimeter of every room. It was an overwhelming sight and yet at the same time I couldn't get myself to clean any of it or touch it. These items all seemed like they represented Mattie. Throwing anything out, meant losing another piece of Mattie. 

Naturally I was grateful to receive all these gifts and items for Mattie. As they made his living hell, much more manageable. But I point this chaos out to you, because Mattie dying had implications in all aspects of my life. Including our physical home. 

A close up on one of the piles. If you have ever seen the TV show Hoarders, I would say if you walked into our home after Mattie died, you would think I was a hoarder. The only difference is at the core, I am a very neat and organized person. So I suppose it was a matter of time, until all of this chaos got to me. But when I tell you I lived in piles like this for years, I am not kidding. What this hoarding illustrated was the massive trauma I was facing and trying to cope with each day. 

After Mattie died, my main goal was to try to survive. Not to jump out the window, not to overdose on medication, and to take a shower and eat. That may sound ridiculous or basic, but that was as good as it got for a while. Therefore, being concerned about my physical space was not high on my list. 

For years, being around Mattie's things kept him alive for me. I was very influenced and connected to all objects, toys, and clothes. I would also say that hoarding kept me safe from dealing with the outside world. I did not have anyone over and all these things helped me put up walls and boundaries. It kept me safe and it kept Mattie's presence locked into our home. 

Then four years after Mattie's death, I said to myself..... I can't see any of Mattie's creations, I can't see his art work, and somehow all these piles did not do Mattie's memory justice. So I started organizing and cleaning out. NOT for myself, but for Mattie! 

Bit by bit, day by day, I went through clothes, toys, gifts, and every item. Some were donated, some things thrown out, and important things kept and either stored or displayed. It was at that point that I transformed Mattie's bedroom into Mattie Miracle's office, and Mattie's legacy started to bloom. 

Literally for weeks, I had piles going of things that were getting donated. Once I started, the process seemed to unfold, and the donating got easier. However, to this day, there are things of Mattie's that I have, that will NOT be removed from my possession. Unfortunately things are all I have left, along with a steel trap memory (thank goodness) of our life together. 

Get the gist of the many piles I donated. Literally the donations went on for weeks. It was a very hard thing to undertake. Now 16 years later, I am once again faced with a cleaning out and packing up of things from my married life. Not because I want to, but because I have to, as these items do not belong to me. I never viewed items as mine or his..... to me, everything we had was ours. So in addition to having to say good-bye to things, I have to say good-bye to what all these items meant in my life. 

Maybe it is because I have faced numerous traumas and losses, but I get attached to people and things. When any thing or one I have connected to for years becomes severed from my life, it is an unbearable feeling. Yet here I am once again, facing the impossible.