Friday, November 21, 2025

Friday, November 21, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. As is typical at most hospitals, if you are stable enough to be discharged close to a holiday.... they do! So after Mattie's second limb salvaging surgery, he was released to recover at home for Thanksgiving. I will NEVER forget Thanksgiving 2008. It was sheer hell. Mattie was miserable, in constant and severe pain, he was traumatized to touch and sound, and I frankly felt 100% helpless. Because Mattie was not allowed upstairs, we had a hospital bed, commode, and IV pole in our living room. As you can see Nurse Patches reported for duty! She was an amazing cat, who knew when her family needed her love and support. Though this photo was taken years ago, I will never forget how overwhelmed, anxious, and stressed I felt. I can't think of anything more devastating than watching your child suffering before your eyes and being unable to make things better. 

Quote of the day: I try to do something positive – I socialize more…But deep down I know the truth. An entire world of people can never replace the one that I’ve lost. ~ Ranata Suzuki

This morning was a total nightmare. Each morning, when I get my dad up, I never know what I am going to face. The two consistent things now are that all his bed linens need to be washed and the shower clean up process is horrific. Every day this week, my dad has had enormous bowel movements in the shower. No amount of rationalizing with him works. As awful as it sounds, the human spirit can get used to just about anything! Just ask any full-time caregiver! Each day, we take on more and more, and what seems ridiculous or absurd to any other rational human being, seems common place to us. However, this morning's shower scene looked like an absolute crime scene. It was so horrific that I landed up screaming! SCREAMING I TELL YOU! Of course my dad had NO UNDERSTANDING as to why I was screaming. To him, his behavior in the shower is NORMAL! Managing this shower nightmare takes me an additional thirty minutes to my already hour long routine with him. Which means that once again, I got my dad to his memory care program late! 

On top of this nightmare, my car dealership called me and the man on the phone said I had outstanding bills and owed them over $1,000! I truly almost lost it! Given all I am juggling, it is quite possible that I did not pay a bill, but it is UNLIKELY! Especially since I keep a monthly spreadsheet! Any case, I was so desperate for answers, that I opened up credit card statements to verify I paid my June and August visits! Any case, turns out this fellow was wrong! He misunderstood what my service provider told him, as most of today's visit was covered under my service warranty. Normally warranties on old cars do not pay off, and most warranties do not cover regular issues! Thankfully my warranty has been a God sent so far. 

After I dropped my dad off, I ran back home to meet the person who was dropping off my repaired car and I also checked in on my mom who was in the middle of a physical therapy session. Once I got my car back, I ran chores. One of the highlights of my day today was going to Lowe's! Sounds funny, no!? I rarely to NEVER ever do anything on my own. I usually have one or two parents in tow. But today, I wanted to see if Lowe's had poinsettias on sale. They did and they are LOVELY! 

While at Lowe's I got to talking to one of their employees. Lovely young lady and I learned she was from Pennsylvania. I bought my plants and then went grocery shopping. While in the meat section, I saw two women discussing turkeys! They truthfully were overwhelmed by the brand choices and did not know what to select. I literally moved right over to them and introduced them to Empire Turkeys! I told them, forget the rest. Once you have an Empire bird, you will not want to go back to the others. Empire Poultry is kosher. Mind you I am not Jewish, as I told these ladies, but Empire raises their chickens and turkeys from hatchlings and they do every process from raising, butchering and packing their own meats, using higher standards than what is required. All I can say is the meat is tender, the birds are not fatty, and when you unwrap the packaging, the bird is super clean. Any case by the time I finished with both of them..... they bought an Empire Turkey! Perhaps I missed my calling. 

Mind you I also returned to Lowe's because I decided to purchase a poinsettia for my neighbor who is recovering from a fall. Don't you know it, as soon as I got in the store, I met up with the young lady from Pennsylvania again. We had a good time chatting, so much so that another customer joined in! Seriously it was a riot. Any case, the customer was asking me about the poinsettias! I told her if she is looking for poinsettias, she has to get these as they look very healthy and the price is right! Typically poinsettias are costly, but they are on sale for $1.98 and $9.98! Again, don't you know it.... this woman bought several poinsettias! 

The turkey and poinsettia experiences today reminded me that when I was in high school, I worked over Christmas at the Limited. It was a clothing store. At first when they hired me, I was supposed to work in every job in the store.... front of the store, the cash register, and the back room. Guess what? Within a week, I was so good at selling clothes, they never took me off the front of the store. I literally was helping, advising, and coordinating clothes for customers. I will never forget it, and within that Christmas season, I was nominated as best employee and was awarded a cash gift. 

Tomorrow I am visiting with my neighbor who was hospitalized and is recovering from a fall. In addition to the white poinsettia I am bringing her, I also baked her almond cookies filled with raspberry jam. I have never made these cookies before. I received this recipe from a friend of my paternal grandmother's! She sent it to me electronically and I decided to try it!

After dinner tonight we all sampled the cookies! It got three thumbs up! We all loved it. Light, fluffy, and truly a treat! The beauty of this recipe is it isn't hard, it is not time consuming, and it produces a great product!

When we moved into this house, we began putting poinsettias in the front hallway at Christmas time. I continue this beautiful tradition! Notice the red dishes under two of the plants? These dishes were given to me by my friend Christine, when Mattie was in the hospital. I remember those dishes then, as I value them now. To me they symbolize friendship. 

Thursday, November 20, 2025

Thursday, November 20, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. Mattie was recovering from his second limb salvaging surgery and they wanted Mattie to do breathing exercises to clear out his lungs. Doing regular spirometer exercises did not interest Mattie in the least. So a friend gave us this clever eye glass straw, which required deep breathing in and out to get the liquid up this straw. Though the straw was for Mattie, you can see that I was using it! This was our typical dynamic..... as Mattie always made me try something first before he would venture a turn. As you can see, Mattie was very focused on what I was doing and paying close attention to the liquid in the straw!

Quote of the day: When I was young I didn't understand, but now, I know, how absence can be present, like a damaged nerve, like a dark bird. ~ Audrey Niffenegger

Each night, after I get my parents to bed, put my dad's clothes in the washing machine, and close up things downstairs, I then head upstairs. But when I do this, I am NOT alone. Indie, my tortoise shell cat, shadows me. She realizes that this is the point in the day when she can get my undivided attention. Sometimes I think Indie thinks she is a dog, and not a cat! When we first adopted Indie (July 2016), I had many months to bond with her, before we rescued Sunny (September 2016). Back in 2016, Indie would sit on my desk while I was working, or even would sit on my lap while I was typing on my computer. But then Sunny came along, and he and I became very close. He was my dog for sure and Indie just accepted this change.

With the death of Sunny, and me becoming divorced, Indie has quickly learned that all her needs will be met by me, and that I am the only one in the house who really pays attention to her. So at night, Indie literally herds me upstairs to my bedroom, and waits for me to get into bed. Once I am in bed, she has her routine! The routine involves walking on me and then settling down right next to my leg. She wants to be petted and eagerly awaits this attention each night. It is rather funny, as I go from caring for my parents by day, to caring for Indie at night. Once she settles down, then I can get some sort of peace, but she is definitely with me until around 3 to 5am. At that point she activates, makes a racket and I literally have to shuttle her out of my room otherwise I can't sleep. So soundful sleep I don't get! Given my full days of caregiving and this cat routine at night, I am very tired! 

This morning, I had trouble getting up! But I knew I had to as my dad had a doctor's appointment. At the appointment, the doctor tried to take blood from him. After three needle sticks they gave up. None of this surprises me, as my dad has something called rolling veins, which makes it virtually impossible to get blood samples from him. But why did I need today's appointment? It wasn't like my dad was sick! Because my dad has diabetes and his health insurer covers the cost of his special shoes once a year. However, to qualify, we need to provide documentation from his primary care doctor. What irritates me about this is MANY things! First off, my dad has diabetes! A chronic disease! That I have to prove this to his insurer each year is ridiculous. But what sends me over the deep end is that my dad was hospitalized three weeks in July. While hospitalized, they checked his sugar levels around the clock and administered him insulin throughout the day/night. His diabetes and treatment were documented for three weeks! But NOPE that doesn't count. The paperwork and diabetes care must be done by the primary care doctor. I want to know what bureaucrat made up these regulations! Clearly one that has NEVER cared for a 90 year old with Alzheimer's! To get my parents to the doctor's office for this nonsense of a visit required a lot of effort on my part. It is a juggling act of helping each one out of the car and into the medical building. Because my mom needs a lot of support, I take her in first, and then come back to the car to get my dad. Once in the building, it is shuttling them to the office, managing bathroom needs, and so forth! Trust me it is overwhelming and again this is just one small portion of my day. It isn't like once the visit is over, I have the freedom to regroup! I don't! It is onto the next need and task. 

In the midst of this, I realized today that I had to stop what I was doing to put together the Foundation's November newsletter! It is just so upsetting that I face all these life tasks alone, and all I can say is I would never do this to someone I loved. If I did, I would be riddled with guilt, remorse, and be deeply ashamed.  

Wednesday, November 19, 2025

Wednesday, November 19, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008, after Mattie's second limb salvaging surgery. Truthfully I have NO IDEA how he was able to smile for this photo! Mattie's right leg was bandaged and casted as was his left arm. In addition to that he was managing a great deal of pain. As I always used to say.... recovering from surgery is far more complicated than the surgery itself. Truthfully how we survived that moment in time is beyond me. But Mattie had a certain spirit that was contagious and I am certain that our love and bond gave me the courage and strength to deal with the impossible. 

Quote of the day: The dead are immune from our prison of Time. The distance between the living and dead may be vast, but the space of Time the dead experience when they are reunited with their loved ones is only paper-thin. ~ Suzy Kassem

Each morning, I just never know what will be in store for me. It is always something. However, this week I am seeing that with my dad's cognitive decline, he is now going to the bathroom in the shower, practically every morning. He has no control over his irritable bowel symptoms. I assure you it is a huge clean up job for me and by the time I finish getting him ready for the day, I feel like I have gone ten rounds. Yet that is only 1/16th of my day. 

When I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, 30 minutes late mind you, I ran into another caregiver. She too looked harried and she said..... it was a BAD morning! Which was why she also got her husband to the center late. She did not have to say any more to me, as we were immediately on the same page with one look into each other's eyes! 

Once I got back home, I told my mom that I needed to take two hours out of the day and get the computers remotely checked! I try to do this every three months, where they are scanned for issues, viruses, cookies and other things that could harm the computers. I am so thankful to have this service, because I never did computer care in my entire married life. So I have absolutely NO IDEA how to do this! Yet our lives are regulated by machines and I run the Foundation through my computer. So things have to function and function safely! 

As the clock gets close to 1pm, I know I am on borrowed time, because my mom starts getting restless. She will actually pace! She wants to go out and I feel so much pressure. Pressure, because the time my dad is at the center, I could use this time to get things done! But she can't understand or appreciate all that I have to juggle. 

While we were out and about, I saw a car's license plate that read "HIS PLAN." At first I did not get it, but then I saw the slogan on the plate which said.... In God We Trust. I am not sure why seeing this hit me, but it did. I think when you are going through impossible times, it is natural to turn to a higher power. Something has to ground me, because my personal foundation, and everything I once knew and understood no longer exists. I have to admit I do not understand the world we live in, where people hate, hurt, kill, and harm one another. Nor do I understand a world in which children get sick and die. It is not something I can comprehend and then naturally I ask myself, where is God in all of this? How does he allow these awful things to happen? But most importantly I always ask God.... why me? Why have I been chosen to have such cruel things happen to me? Again there are no answers, but the one thing I am certain about is God is used to my many questions. He maybe the only one who can truly handle whatever I dish out. 

Ironically when I saw the "His Plan" today, I started crying. Not emoting out of pain or sadness, which is my usual state, but out of the notion that perhaps there is a plan! A plan I am not aware of, a plan that I can't imagine, but nonetheless a plan. I hold tight to the hopes that there maybe better days ahead, because truthfully I can't see them AT ALL. I feel completely blank, in which nothing interests me, I see nothing to look forward to, and I have no hopes for the future. Which is why when I say, God help me, I am neither joking or being sarcastic. 

I guess if you are reading this blog, and have days, weeks, and years like mine, then you know exactly how I am feeling. May we all have the courage to face the next day, and may we open to signs, glimmers, and possibilities. As these miraculous things some times just appear when we least expect them. 

Tuesday, November 18, 2025

Tuesday, November 18, 2025 -- Mattie died 821 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. Mattie was five years old. That day we took him to Roosevelt Island, a typical weekend activity. We visited the Island during every season. It was so close to home and yet as soon as you crossed over the foot bridge to enter the Island, you felt like you were transported to a more peaceful, natural, and idyllic spot. Yet this national park is right in the heart of the city. On the Island Mattie loved collecting leaves, branches, stones, seeing all the wildlife, feeding the ducks, using his remote controlled boats in the river, climbing rocks, and of course walking the trails. It is hard to believe that this was what my life USED to look like!

Quote of the day: I feel like my life is made up of tiny puzzle parts that no longer fit together. Imagine working on a puzzle only to find that the final picture can never be complete because one of its pieces is missing. This is exactly what's happened to my life; it has become impossible to put it back together. ~ Zeina Kassem

I started my morning with several phone calls. I wanted to address my latest health insurance issue before I woke my dad up. Once my dad and mom are downstairs, I am constantly juggling caregiving demands and therefore can't concentrate or focus. After paying out of pocket to see my eye doctor yesterday, I was thoroughly annoyed. Why have health insurance, if I have to pay 100% out of pocket? I have been going to this doctor for four years now and never had a problem. But when I got divorced my health plan changed and now they won't accept my new plan. Needless to say, all of this did not sit well with me. After making several calls, I finally received the phone number for the financial and business office that oversees my doctor's practice. I spoke to Denise today for thirty minutes. I walked her through the entire ordeal yesterday and she was as confused as I was as to why I had to pay out of pocket. While talking to Denise, she was messaging others to consult with them on my issue. Needless to say, they are looking into it and she promises to call me. We shall see. 

My car saga continues. Apparently I need a completely new radio module and they are in the process of ordering that! So I will be without my car all week, and thankfully my mom brought her car from Los Angeles to Virginia, so at least we can get around, as I can't imagine how I would manage my parent's needs without a car.  

It was a circus show today. My dad's physical therapist was here. He has multiple therapists, but this particular therapist takes him outside for part of his sessions, regardless of the weather. However, in order for them to have a session outside, I have to remove all the branches, leaves and debris from my stone patio. When I went outside to do this, I saw that several of my outdoor string lights, which are made of glass, broke from the intense winds. So I had a big clean up before the therapist arrived. In addition to the therapist, my dad was visited by two nurses. When the nurse supervisor entered my home today for the first time, she was struck by the beautiful photos of Mattie that line my staircase. These photos were given to me years ago as a Mother's Day gift. They mean a lot to me. Most people who see these photos know Mattie and my story. Naturally this nurse did not! But rest assured she learned it today! 

Why am I mentioning this? I am mentioning this because even though Mattie has been gone 16 years, the loss is very real, very life altering, and still very fresh in my mind. The death of a 7 year old is just NOT natural, there is no rationalization to it, and NO platitude will do! Mattie is not in a better place, he did not live a long and full life...... well you get my point! Child loss is forever and what I love about these photos is that they are positioned to watch over us and serve as a reminder that the seven years I had with Mattie were very real. However what this collage of photos doesn't illustrate to you, but I know within my mind and heart, is that life as I knew it ended when Mattie died and this loss has been further compounded with my divorce. 

Monday, November 17, 2025

Monday, November 17, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old and he was pictured with one of his favorite puzzles! In fact, besides vehicles and building materials, Mattie LOVED puzzles. I remember when he was in the hospital at age 6, he was doing 1000 piece puzzles with me. He had the patience to work through the pieces, and we would do a bit at a time each day. It is hard to believe that Mattie would be 23 years old if he were alive today  and that he has been gone far more years than he was alive. A very sobering reality. 

Quote of the day: Do our dreams carry messages from the great beyond, sent by the people we have lost, or are they a reflection of our desperation and wishful thinking? ~ Zeina Kassem

This morning was another juggling act. As I had to get my dad to his memory care center, I had to make sure my mom was ready for her physical therapy session, and I had to get to my own ophthalmology appointment. Somehow I made it work and was even able to run chores in the process. I have become the ultimate multi-tasker. I have no idea what a slow day looks like, as I haven't had one for four years!

I started seeing this eye doctor when I moved into my house in 2021. So in essence he has been following my eye condition for 4 years. My previous doctor wanted to do surgery on my eyes, and given that I had little trust in his perspective, I changed practices. When I checked into the office today, they proceeded to tell me that they no longer accept my health insurance. I did not get it because I have the same insurer as when I was married, I just have changed plans. It is a good plan that all of my other providers accept! Yet this receptionist kept at it with me and said that I have Medicaid and therefore, their practice doesn't accept it. Keep in mind that I do not have Medicaid. I thought she handled this whole situation very poorly and frankly she should not have had such an open conversation about my insurance in the middle of the waiting room. 

When I finally saw the doctor, I explained what had transpired and he apologized for his receptionist, wanted to know what insurance I had and said that he would discount today's appointment, since I had to pay out of pocket. Any case, none of this sat well with me today, since I pay monthly for health insurance. So eventually when I got home, I called my insurer. I walked them through everything that happened and my insurer said the receptionist gave me incorrect information! Today's appointment wasn't covered because of my insurance plan, it wasn't covered because the doctor's office has not activated their contract with my health insurer. By the time I found out this information, the doctor's office was closed. But just wait until tomorrow, as I do not do well with incorrect information, or when I am blamed for an issue that is out of my control! I waste more time fighting health insurance claims, not just for me but for all three of us. That alone is exhausting. 

Meanwhile my car went in for service today because it is having electrical issues! My service provider called me to let me know that they can see the problem I am reporting, but they have NO IDEA how to solve it! So I have been asked to give them more time. Instills confidence, no?!

I end tonight's posting with these flowers. My friend Carolyn came over tonight to pick up a bundle of Foundation items that she is delivering tomorrow to one of the hospitals we support. Carolyn has been part of my Mattie journey from the beginning as our children went to preschool together. For years, Carolyn has brought me flowers... flowers that always include Mattie Miracle colors and sunflowers! I can't tell you how much these flowers mean to me, because as holidays approach, it hits me deeply about all my losses. 

Sunday, November 16, 2025

Sunday, November 16, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old and we took him to a Fall Festival. In fact, that was the year that our Fall tradition weekend began! Since Mattie loved being outside, I figured it was worth a try going to these events. It turned out to be a big hit. As you can see, I was introducing Mattie to a slide. Mattie was a naturally cautious child, so the notion of going down this smooth and steep surface was not up his alley. But of course with time and age, Mattie grew to love slides and I quickly learned he LOVED motion and movement. A total opposite to me! 

Quote of the day: Every ray of sunshine, every drop of rain, every tear that falls, you are with me for I carry you in my heart forever. ~ Heather Wolf

I was listening to the radio this morning and heard them talking about a typewriter orchestra! I am not sure why I found that abundantly hysterical, but I did! I remember when I went to college, I had an electric typewriter in tow! This was pre-internet, and frankly in some ways, the world was simpler and easier! But today's generation.... what do they know about the typewriter? 

Think about life with a typewriter. You couldn't just write something! It had to be intentional, because you couldn't move paragraphs around, there was no spell check, or even an automatic correction of your grammar. So how did we do it? Well if you were like me, you composed your thoughts on paper first! Pens and pads of paper or notebooks were commonplace! Now they have been replaced with electronics. 

Any case, the notion of a typewriter orchestra, seems to harken back to a different time. If you know me by now, you know if I hear about something and it interests me, I am going to read up about it. So here's what they say about the Boston Typewriter Orchestra:

One night in 2004, Boston-area artist Tim Devin was presented with the gift of a child's typewriter at a bar. His typing eventually annoyed the waitress who asked him to stop, whereupon he responded "It's OK, ma'am. I'm the conductor of the Boston Typewriter Orchestra." Thinking there was something to the idea, he assembled a group of interested performers on the night of October 20, 2004 in Somerville, Massachusetts.

An office setting was quickly decided upon as an overarching theme for live performances. The members (usually numbering between four and eight people) perform wearing white shirts and neckties, engage in typical workplace banter and write office-themed lyrics to satirical or comedic effect. The typewriters are utilized in a rhythmic fashion while melodic elements are supplied by the vocalists. The group uses several varieties of manual typewriters from such manufacturers as Underwood, Smith Corona, Hermes, Remington and Royal.

The Boston Typewriter Orchestra began performing at house parties, eventually expanding venues to clubs, arts festivals, and museums. Local and national media appearances soon followed. The group appears in the documentary California Typewriter, and their song "Entropy Begins at the Office" has been used in promotional ads for the film The Post.

Check out this news clip of the group. Somehow watching this makes me smile and laugh! Who would think of the rhythmic sounds of the typewriter, but I appreciate when people use objects around them in novel ways, to think creatively and to remind us that music is really all around us. We just need to be able to stop and absorb it! 

The Typewriter Orchestra is featured in the 2017 documentary entitled California Typewriter!

Check out the trailer. It is a reminder that the typewriter is "an affectionate, nostalgic love letter to the typed word from enthusiasts and experts alike.":

https://californiatypewritermovie.com/

Saturday, November 15, 2025

Saturday, November 15, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2002. Mattie was six months old in this photo and was developing muscular strength in his back and neck. Yet I still propped him up with pillows, because at times, he would lean and flop right over. When I look at this photo it reminds me that as a baby Mattie did not look like me! It is remarkable the transformation because by the time he was a preschooler, Mattie was the spitting image of me. 

Quote of the day: Can you miss something before it's gone? …I think so. The anticipation of the loss hurts nearly as much as the loss itself. You find yourself trying to hold onto every detail, because you'll never have them again. ~ Emily Lloyd-Jones

While my dad's physical therapist was here today, I spent the time outside. In fact, I spent hours outside today. I was focused on trimming the crape myrtles. I have seven of them on my property and don't you know it, each one is infected with bark scale. You can tell because the bark is black in color, rather than the pretty sandy cocoa color! In addition, I can see little white spots all over the place, which are the insects. I have now learned that these trees need to be treated twice a year to remove this bark scale. 

Why did I cut the spindly branches off the crape myrtle? Because it keeps the tree from growing bigger and taking over the space. So I prune it every fall. 

I also have crape myrtles on each side of my front yard. This particular one was moved to this location soon after we moved in! Before it was right in the middle of the front yard and its position made no sense. Besides this tree being infected, it also grows wispy spindles and it needed to be shaped. I had to get out a taller ladder and went at it. 

On an aside, do you see that electrical transformer box behind my tree? For my loyal blog readers, you know that I advocated with the electric company to have this box placed in this location in February of 2025. With work going on in my neighborhood, a new transformer had to be installed. Originally it was going to be installed in my front yard. I am so thankful that I went outside to see what was going on and when I did I went ballistic! I wasn't going to let this issue go because this box is larger than me and would have been a total eye sore. 

I have three crape myrtles lining my driveway. I did not lop them off, but instead pruned and shaped them because  I am fine if they grow big and tall in this location. 

Later today I then decided to wash my mom's car and my own. Both were a mess and needed to be vacuumed out. My car goes in for service on Monday, as it is having electrical issues, and therefore I will need to drive my mom's car. Her car was covered in leaves and debris and I literally couldn't see out the windows. All I know is maintaining this house and everything in and around it is a full-time job. There is NOT one day when I am not doing some sort of chore. But given that the weather was decent today, I made the most out of being outside and for me staying busy is the key to survival. 

Friday, November 14, 2025

Friday, November 14, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that day we walked down to the National Mall to watch the Veteran's Day parade. This was the first and last time we ever experienced this parade together. Mattie typically did not like crowds or loud noises, but since it was so simple for us to walk a few blocks from our home to attend, I am glad we tried it with him. I experienced many wonderful adventures with my Mattie Brown!

Quote of the day: But not remembering him didn't stop me from missing him. I knew what it was like to have that absence in my life. ~ Leslie North

On Friday's my dad's visiting nurse comes to our home to assess his pressure sore. I have been dealing with this sore for weeks. As of next week, we are getting discharged from her services, because insurance deems he no longer needs to be followed medically. That maybe the case, but that doesn't mean his condition is cleared up and with my dad's skin, if I am not vigilant, this sore could easily reform. I truly wonder how other caregivers manage all this stuff alone. Fortunately I am no stranger to wound care, but to me it is simply frustrating. The system truly doesn't benefit the patient, and forget the caregiver. We are not even on the radar scope. Yet in all reality caregivers save health insurers LOTS of money with our unpaid services and devotion. 

Later this morning my good friend came over to visit. She brought all sorts of baked breads, which is something she used to do for me when Mattie was in the hospital. For the most part, I keep everyone in my life at a distance. Not because I do not value them, I do, but being around people who have more normal lives than my own sets me off, and it reminds me tenfold how different my existence is.... whether it be childhood cancer, child loss, a painful divorce, facing life and a future single, and 24/7 caregiving. So while I used to see this particular friend weekly and get together with other friends on a regular basis, I see NO ONE NOW. To me this is the number one telltale sign of someone who is traumatized. You turn inward, because of the incredible need to self protect.

I haven't walked my neighborhood since Sunny died (January 2024). I just don't have the desire! I enjoyed my walks with Sunny and miss his daily. But my friend got me out today and frankly I wasn't sure I could walk or even keep up with her. I held my own and we walked 5 miles together. In my heyday with Sunny, this was a typical daily walk! After our walk, we took my mom out for tea together. When I arrived at Starbuck's the general manager greeted me and literally said.... you look wonderful today. He knows I am a caregiver and looks out for me and my mom. I attribute his comment to the fact that I got fresh air and exercised, and probably had color in my face from all that activity. 

When I met with my doctor recently he asked me to go back to my walking routine. He is encouraging this not necessarily for my physical health, but for my mental health. He is aware of all the horrific things I have endured over the last few years and is concerned that all that has happened to me is getting bottled up inside, because I do not have the time to focus on myself or an outlet to channel all this anger, loss, and grief. Which is why he is telling me to walk. How do I feel after today's walk? Well I guess I will find out tomorrow, but at the moment, I can say that I still appreciate trees, greenery, and the natural beauty around me. All the wonderful things I learned to love while raising Mattie. 

Thursday, November 13, 2025

Thursday, November 13, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2003. Mattie was a year and a half old! Want to know what was going on in this photo? Mattie and I were dancing in the kitchen. I would put on music, pick him up, and we would move around the kitchen together. As you can see...... Mattie LOVED it! What a face, what a cutie, and what a huge loss in my life. 

Quote of the day: …the sad part is, that I will probably end up loving you without you for much longer than I loved you when I knew you. Some people might find that strange. But the truth of it is that the amount of love you feel for someone and the impact they have on you as a person, is in no way relative to the amount of time you have known them. ~ Ranata Suzuki

Today's date will always be a part of my life. It is a birthday which I have commemorated for 34 years. Not mine of course. When you get divorced, the divorce process and decree, do not always translate into how you feel. After all there is no how to book on how to remove long term memories and milestones from your mind and heart. So what am I to do on such a day? Some of you maybe reading this and saying.... she has got to be kidding! You should erase November 13, from your mind and move on and have a life. If it was that simple, I would have done that by now. 

How I chose to spend the day was by being VERY busy. I got up at 5:15am, because I had to get my morning routine complete before Steve and Ritchie arrived. They both help me maintain all the plants, trees, and vegetation on the property (On an aside, did you know Crape Myrtle trees can get infected? Well they can and all 7 of mine are a mess. They have bark scale --- which is an invasive insect pest that appears as white or gray, waxy spots on the bark and produces sticky honeydew, leading to black sooty mold on the tree and surrounding areas.). As winter is fast approaching, I am concerned about certain tree limbs and had to get my bubbler fountain secured for the winter, and sprinklers turned off. Steve even blew out all my hose lines from the outside, which was a first for me, and truly we are amazed these hose lines did not freeze in previous years. Given I have a lot to learn, I have no problem turning to these guys with questions and help! 

What Ritchie and Steve said to me today truly helped me, because when you become single after a long term marriage, you start doubting yourself and the world around you. Both of them said to me that I am a very unique, caring, loving, and thoughtful person. The deem me a special person who deserves to be treated with respect and kindness. I did not tell them the significance of today, but I most certainly appreciated knowing how people perceive me is in the way I try to live my life. 

After they left, my dad's physical therapist came for a session. During the session, I had to stop what I was doing to assist him in the bathroom twice. Once the session was over, I ran to the grocery store. While in the car, I realized it wasn't working correctly. The radio wouldn't turn on and the mirror sensors stopped working. Literally I was ready to lose it, as I can't have ONE DAY without some sort of problem, issue, and of course expense! Needless to say the car is going in next week. Not sure what I expect with a car that has 102,000 miles on it, but purchasing a car is not in the equation right now! Truly each day, I wake up wondering what else will happen to me today!

Today's highlight..... the shower curtain and bath mat that I ordered for the space came in! I think it's coming along and now I am focused on something for the wall! I think I missed my calling in life...... I love designing things and remaking spaces! 

Wednesday, November 12, 2025

Wednesday, November 12, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2002. Mattie was 7 months old. Though Mattie liked movement, he never crawled. In fact, Mattie truly did not like sitting on the floor and forget tummy time. Mattie disliked any sort of position that curbed his ability to move freely. Since he did not have the muscle strength while on his tummy, to turn over and sit up, this was frustrating for him. He and I did spend time sitting on the floor, playing with his toys, and as you can see I had pillows all around him because he did not have the muscle strength  at at time would topple over. It is hard to believe this was 23 years old, as I can remember it as if it were yesterday. 

Quote of the day: You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories. ~ Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

In order to juggle the day's event of taking my parents to see their rehabilitation physician, I needed to get myself up at 5:15am. Here's the funny part about all of this, before my parents moved in with us in 2021, I was NOT a morning person. I am not sure I am a morning person now, but I have no choice. Juggling all of this on my own means I have to think strategically. 

The doctor we visited today is a peach. He is originally from Brooklyn, NY and he has enough NY attitude to be able to manage my mom and the push back she sometimes gives him. I met this doctor in 2022, when my dad was admitted to the hospital for an emergency pacemaker placement. Because my dad was so debilitated after a week in the cardiac unit, he was unable to return home. They wanted to shuffle him off to a nursing home for rehab and I fought this tooth and nail. I networked my way throughout the hospital and realized the hospital has its own acute rehabilitation unit. It was in this unit that I met today's doctor. We have been connected to him since 2022, and I have my parents visit him every three months. He has been super helpful in securing in-home physical therapy for my parents throughout the year, and he was the only doctor who would help me with my dad's current pressure sore! 

No visit to this doctor's office is ever complete without him asking me how I am. As he has seen me during very stressful times with my dad's hospitalizations! Keep in mind that my dad had two hospitalizations this year alone! Any case, in our conversation today, he wanted some ideas about cooking meals. He apparently cooked eggplant for his wife, and it was a disaster. So we chatted through what exactly he did! On the way out, he said.... thank you for talking food with me. 

Because this is a rehab office, there are many patients there who have mobility issues, and of course their caregivers are in tow. I spoke to two of them today, and seriously going into this office is like entering another world. A world in which people want to converse, they want to help, and we all just understand each other based on the roles we play. In fact, one fellow in the office jumped up to help me with the doors as he could see I had my mom in one hand, a tote bag and cushion in the other, and I was providing supervision for my dad. He let me know that he is his mother-in-law's caregiver. To which my mom and I said.... we hope you love your mother-in-law. To which is reply was.... she's a great lady and it's an honor to assist her. How do we clone this fellow???! 

While driving around today, I saw a city bus advertising the Outer Banks, NC. What caught my attention about the ad were the beautiful wild horses portrayed on the side of the bus. Literally seeing the Outer Banks and the wild horses, transported me back in time. I can't tell you how many times we visited the Outer Banks, first as a couple, and then as a family with Mattie and my former in-laws. I took this photo of the wonderful wild horses in 2017. It seems like yesterday! A time when the world made more sense to me, as we had so many special trips together. For heaven's sake we grew up together. 

When I got home today, I jumped from one task and chore to the other and then at 6pm, had to stop in order to contend with dinner. When I get to the end of the day, I literally have to dig deep to muster the energy to cook, serve dinner, clean it up, and eventually get my parents to bed. Thursday is another 5:15am wake up as I have Steve, my outdoor guru, helping me shut down sprinklers, winterize my bubbler garden fountain, and replace broken lights. Each day, I hope for strength, stability, and a glimmer that life will get better. So far, I haven't seen it yet.