Monday, October 5, 2026

Monday, October 5, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that weekend we took him to Glen Echo Park in Maryland. We loved this park, as it had a children's theatre, a marionette puppet theatre, and a Denzel carousel. We all enjoyed our visits there and along our journey, we stopped for a photo. Thank goodness I was photo crazy, because I had no idea back then that the only thing I would have left are the photos. 

Quote of the day: There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning. ~ Louis L’Amour

As it is Monday, my mom and I typically have our routine after I drop my dad off at his memory care center. But today, we met my friend Ann for lunch. Doing anything beyond my usual routine, can at times set me emotionally over the edge. I find when facing loss and trauma.... routine, consistency, and isolation from others is the way I cope. I remember when Mattie died, I felt no one around me really understood the magnitude of my loss. Sure people were kind and mostly well intentioned, but they couldn't understand that socializing and receiving their support felt finite. At the end of the day, they went home to their children and families, and we went home to nothing. It is a very hard reality to paint for someone, but the one person who always understood, was my other half. We survived that enormous trauma together, and having someone along side you who reminds you..... it's not you, it is the situation, is SO SO IMPORTANT. 

My current situation, is a different sort of loss, but one that has also rocked my world. Yet this time, I face it alone. Yes I live with my parents, but they feel completely different than I do about my divorce. Therefore, I can express how I feel, but to the rational person, I realize my perspective makes NO SENSE. So this compounds the isolation. 

Going out to lunch today provided the opportunity to discuss other things, other than what I mentally drown in every day, and it also enabled me to actually eat food, rather than snack's we have while out for tea. After lunch, we had time left before I had to pick up my dad, so I decided to take my mom to the craft store. Since my separation, my mom and I no longer shop. This was something we used to like to do together. But once I became separated, I was balancing multiple financial nightmares. So that is three years of not even walking around in a store (other than a grocery store). Needless to say, my mom enjoyed the outing and seeing Fall and Christmas themed decorations! So today, I can acknowledge that doing something different was manageable and provided a change of scenery. That said, I am no where mentally prepared to do such outings on a daily basis. 

Sunday, October 4, 2026

Sunday, October 4, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2004. Mattie was two and half years old and like every Fall weekend, we went to a Fall Festival. Though Mattie did not love crowds and a lot of noise, he loved being outside. There was always something fun to do at a Fall Festival, and Mattie was always up for exploring. Though you can't see our faces, I absolutely love this photo. To me it is just sweet and innocent. Mattie and Me! We faced many things together, while holding hands, and finding our way through whatever challenge and obstacle! How I wish he were still alive today, as I know he would be a strong ally. 

Quote of the day: You either get bitter or you get better. It’s that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you. ~ Josh Shipp

I came across this quote tonight and I think the sentiments are 100% correct! I say this in the context of caring for someone with moderate to late stage dementia. There are times managing my dad is infuriating, stressful, and tests me beyond measure. He absorbs nothing I say, can't process anything, and if you ask him a question, his answer is "I don't know!" I can't tell you how these three little words set me off! Tell me anything, but..... I DON'T KNOW! 

I have noticed over the last two weeks, that my dad hits his head with the shower head every morning. What do I mean? Well after I help my dad out of bed in the morning, which means practically lifting him out of bed myself, I get him to the shower, and have him sit in a shower chair. I then fully wash him myself with soap and shampoo his hair. It is at that point that I hand him the telephone shower head to wash the soap off of himself, while I make the bed and carry all the major laundry downstairs. Before I hand him the shower telephone, I tell him DO NOT put this near your head and hit your head. SURE ENOUGH, every morning, he hits his head, and now has about five bumps on his head. This morning was the last straw. Given that any hits to his head could exacerbate his current brain bleed, I am concerned. 

Tomorrow, I will need to completely alter my morning routine, as I no longer can leave my dad alone with the shower head. I will have to wash the soap off of him myself. Overall, I am seeing another steep decline in my dad's physical and mental state! The concern always is.... will this plateau and stabilize, or will he continue spiraling downhill. 

Tonight's quote resonates with me, because life will hit each and everyone of us with something or somethings that test your patience, challenge your existence, and cause you to lose direction and hope. For me my biggest threats to my existence were losing Mattie, facing divorce (and in the way it happened!), and being a caregiver to my parents 24/7 for five years now. Dementia transforms loves one dramatically. My dad has become focused only on himself, he turfs all things to me, and refuses to do one thing to help himself. It is frustrating and at times I feel like it is going to tear me down. But then I take a deep breath and realize tomorrow is another day. 

What I do know is taking my dad out to eat is becoming beyond difficult. It is hard to move him and his bathroom accidents are bordering on insane. Like clockwork, as soon as I take him into the restaurant we visit every Sunday, he has to go to the bathroom. Today, I brought him to the bathroom, but he refused to go. So while washing his hands, of course he went, which meant we had to go right back into a stall, and I had to fully clean and change him. This happens every Sunday without fail. Meanwhile, I can't leave my mom alone for long either, and forget the car. I literally leave the car by the restaurant's front door with my blinkers on while I get my parents into the restaurant. Some times, the car can be there for 15-20 minutes, depending upon the nature of my clean up jobs with my dad. All I can say is I NEVER signed up to do this alone and yet here I am. Some of us do NOT walk away.  

Saturday, October 3, 2026

Saturday, October 3, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2004. Mattie was two and a half years old and that weekend, my students invited us to the George Washington University, to attend a Halloween event they were hosting for the community. Every child who attended got to pick out a free book of their choice. It was very nice of my students to invite Mattie, and he had a great time getting balloon animals, listening to stories, and meeting my students. Mattie loved the TV character, Franklin. Who was a turtle. So he gravitated to a book about Franklin. Mattie and I started reading books together since he was an infant, and stories captured his attention and he loved the illustrations. Mattie and I picked out this costume and I knew that whatever he was going to wear had to be soft and not restrictive. To me, he made the cutest Pooh around. 

 

Quote of the day: Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up. ~ Robert Frost

It was a typical Saturday, which started with my dad's physical therapy session. Later in the day, I took my parents to our local diner, which we visit every Saturday. While at the diner, I could see three people sitting at the bar. One of them however, kept turning around and looking at me. At first I did not pay much attention to it, but because he kept doing it, I made a mental note of it. 

I have to admit, given my separation and divorce, I now look at the world in a far more cynical way. In a way, that always assesses the underlying motive for the behavior in front of me. Half way through our meal, Jason (our server, who works with us every Saturday), slipped me a handwritten note. The note asked me whether I knew the man at the bar, wearing a baseball hat. This was the SAME man who kept turning around to stare at me! 

Any case, when Jason came back to the table, he saw that I wrote, NO, on his note. It was at that point, Jason told me that this man told him that he wanted to pay for my meal and for my parents. Needless to say, bells and whistles were going off in my head! I told Jason, absolutely NOT! I neither knew this man, nor trusted his intentions. Jason got it immediately, which was why he flagged it to begin with! 

In turns out when Jason told him that he couldn't pay for my meal, he got angry. The man told Jason, he was just trying to be NICE! NICE????? WHY??? This man never came over to talk or interface with me, THANKFULLY, but by the end of the meal, I felt completely uncomfortable. So much so, that I called over a manager and explained what had transpired when the man left the diner. 

We live in a complex world. Nothing in my world seems safe anymore, and I have learned the hard way, that things aren't always as they appear. People can say things, but mean and feel completely differently, even people we know forever and trust. I am saddened by the fact that a seemingly kind and nice gesture by a stranger, can't be received in this fashion. Perhaps this man loved his own parents, and seeing me with mine evoked memories. Truly his offer could have been kind and nice, but I feel very protective now of myself and space. Therefore, if I don't know you, kind and nice, AREN'T happening! THEY ARE GOING NOWHERE!

Friday, October 2, 2026

Friday, October 2, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old. Fall festivals became a family tradition every October. That weekend, we took Mattie to a Fall festival that also had a petting zoo. I just love Mattie's expression... he didn't know what to make out of this very large pig. I was showing Mattie how to pet the pig, but he wasn't having any of it. That said, he wasn't frightened and did not want to leave, Mattie was just cautious. Not a bad quality to have when something is larger than you are!

Quote of the day: Everything that slows us down and forces patience, everything that sets us back into the slow circles of nature, is a help. Gardening is an instrument of grace. ~ May Sarton

This morning, after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I headed to the grocery store. I remember when I first went to this store, I was totally overwhelmed. I thought I would never figure out where anything was, given that it is enormous. But now doing this for three years, weekly, I zoom around the store, knowing where everything I need is located. It is reminder to me that doing anything for the first time, is always scary and with age, things get ten times more daunting. Despite having a full cart each week, I always go to the self checkout area. First off, it is a control issue, as I want to scan and bag things in a certain order. The self check out helpers all know me, and they never stop me even when I have way more than 20 items in the cart. One of the self check out helpers chats with me weekly. Literally I know about her parents, her sister, her neighbors, and other issues. She tells me that for the most part she is introverted, yet looks forward to chatting with me. In any case, this store employee is part of my weekly community.

When I got back home, I put away groceries, dealt with the laundry and some emails, and then worked with my mom to try on the new shoes I bought her. Sure enough the podiatrist told me to get my mom a particular size, and naturally she was WRONG. The shoes were too big, which would be incredibly dangerous for my mom with her balance issues. So I debated.... do I return the shoes and order another pair on-line, or do I just take her to the store? I decided it was safer to take her to the store in the mall. But I did not account for this in my timing today, as I am always cognizant of when I have to pick my dad up at the center. Any case, we went to the mall, and I could see my mom just can't walk at my pace. Also she won't walk independently, she either holds my hand or arm. Given that I wasn't sure where the store was in the mall, I parked my mom and ran around until I found the store. I came back for my mom and took her into Clark's. My mom had a great experience there and the store clerk literally said to me.... you are an incredible daughter! As I always say to those who commend me..... I had great parents. 

Once my parents were home and settled on the couch and recliner, I went outside to my garden. My mums are in bloom! 

This photo was taken in October of 2022. Do you see my Sunny? He truly made my home a special place to be and he is greatly missed. Sunny loved being part of the activity and action! That inflatable pumpkin was a gift to us from my 'former' mother-in-law. Literally our front island is the perfect spot for an inflatable. 

Now four years later, Sunny died, as did this inflatable. Yet.....

l keep the tradition going. I bought a new inflatable last year. This one has an automated cat that goes inside the pumpkin and then pops back out! Given that it was 80 degrees today, it was the perfect day to set this inflatable up! It took a lot of patience as all the rope ties anchoring it down got knotted together while in storage. I must have worked on untying everything for thirty minutes. 

At the edge of this island, near the perimeter of the stone, I also planted more daffodil bulbs today! My other half planted several bulbs years ago, I love seeing them pop out in the spring. So I added to the collection and hope to be surprised in the spring. 

My pansies are a bloom!

Thursday, October 1, 2026

Thursday, October 1, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2004. Mattie was two years old. That day, his preschool went on a field trip to Butler's Orchard in Maryland. Ironically, Mattie lasted in that preschool for about two months, after which, the director asked him to leave. I will never forget that director, her dysfunctional school, and the cast of parental characters. Keep in mind, this preschool director called me one day to ask my permission to put soap in Mattie's mouth. She said this would teach him not to bite anyone. Needless to say, I lost it and I wanted to bite her too!

The one positive of that school, was it introduced us to Butler's Orchard. It became a family favorite of ours! Since I did not trust this preschool director and going to Butler's Orchard required a bus trip, I volunteered to be a parent chaperone. There was no way I would have let Mattie go if I wasn't present. That said, I snapped this photo of Mattie out in the pumpkin patch and throughout the years, I captured many wonderful photos of Mattie in that exact location!

Quote of the day: A great battle is a terrible thing, the old knight said, but in the midst of blood and carnage, there is sometimes also beauty, beauty that could break your heart. ~ George R.R. Martin

I took this photo in October of 2004. These are my pumpkin cake cookies. Since Mattie was a big pumpkin fan, I came across this recipe, which he loved! After all these years, that he has been gone, I have never forgotten these cookies. I remembered them, but I haven't baked them since Mattie died. That is until this past weekend. 

This past weekend, I got my recipe out and baked these beauties. I wanted to mail them to my cousins who are celebrating a special wedding anniversary. Their wedding colors were purple and gold, so I tried to integrate these colors into the cookies. What is wonderful about these cookies is they are light and fluffy, like a cake, not a cookie. In any case, I think Mattie would be very pleased that I was sharing one of his favorite cookies with our family!

A friend of mine reached out to me today and asked if things were better for me now, than they were a year ago. It is a good question, but a question one may not want to hear the actual answer! Sure in theory, I am more stable than I was in 2023 (when I was separated), or in 2024 (when the divorce was finalized). But being more stable doesn't mean that I am happy, that I have moved on, or can easily dismiss my 35 years with someone. It is a hard feeling to describe, especially if you have never been in my position, yet when I talk to others living with a similar nightmare, we immediately get one another. It is a pain that follows me everyday and if I am not careful it can play games with my mind. 

Any case, given all that is weighing on me, I am going outside now to the garden. It was a beautiful 80 degree day in Virginia, and unlike others around me who are complaining, I am loving the heat and humidity!  

Wednesday, September 30, 2026

Wednesday, September 30, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2004. Mattie was two years old and this was classic Mattie. He loved our living room window, getting as close to it as possible, and walking behind my plant stand. What you can't see is on the plant stand was Patches' cat bed. I put it up there to give her some safe space from little hands. Mattie wanted desperately to get up to that level to inspect the cat bed. Mattie was a busy little fellow, his body and mind were always in motion, therefore, as a result, I learned to work with his style!

Quote of the day: The kindest and best caregivers are those who realize that it could easily be them in the weaker one's place; they do not distance the one in need by making them an "other." ~ Pamela Cox

It was another busy day on the farm. My mom had her physical therapy session at 10am. Given that I had a doctor appointment at the hospital today, I did not send my dad to his memory care center. I just couldn't juggle that on top of everything else. My doctor's appointment was at 2:30pm, and it is about a 30 minute commute each way. Given that my mom likes going out each day, I timed a visit to the frozen yogurt store after my mom's therapy session and before my visit to the hospital. That may sound all well and wonderful, but it was stressful. My parents move slowly and taking them out requires a lot of coordination and when I have a time deadline, the pressure on me is even more significant. Of course while at the yogurt store, my dad had an irritable bowel attack. Needless to say, I got him home, changed him completely and then scrambled to get everything I needed to go to my appointment. By the time I got to the hospital, I felt like I ran a marathon. 

When I got to the fifth floor of the hospital, they had a greeter by the elevator. She looked at me and deduced I was seeing an OB! Rather hysterical, as I don't look pregnant and I am too old to have a child. But I went with it! Any case, though I do not like these gynecology visits, I happen to like my doctor. She is fantastic, competent, and good at what she does. I also like that she coordinates my care with the breast specialist I see yearly. 

The gynecologist could not believe that I am a full time caregiver. When she asked how long I have been doing this, I could see a level of shock came over her when I said five years. As I said to her today...... you only get ONE CHANCE to do a good job at caregiving, because the one certainty is it is a finite role. As caregiving typically involves providing support to someone who is not growing, maturing, and gaining independence. Instead, caregiving for an older adult, means constant changes, constant declines, and with that it forces you to learn new physical and cognitive strategies and also face the hard emotional reality of the daily loss in front of you. 

Why am I showing you a photo of shoes? Well Clark's (one of  my favorite shoe companies) was having a shoe sale last week. Since my separation/divorce, I have not purchased one piece of clothing, shoes, or anything for myself. I am constantly buying things for my parents, but for myself, forget it. Before my other half left, I was a big shoe fan. Some women like purses, clothing, etc! Me it is shoes! 

My shoes arrived at my doorstep today, and to me it was like winning the lottery. I am very excited to have a new pair of shoes and I love the tortoise shell pattern in the front along with the metal links! 

I remember after Mattie died, I also did not want to purchase anything new. There was a feeling of guilt associated with being alive and having the ability to purchase an item. I can still recall the very first item that I purchased after Mattie died. It took my over a year to make a purchase, and it was of a crushed velvet shirt. I still have this shirt, and I typically wear it every Christmas. That shirt symbolized my ability to see that I mattered, that I was part of the world, and that it was okay to purchase something (without it being disrespectful of Mattie). Ironically these shoes are also symbolic to me..... they are a reminder that I know who I am and the kind of person I am, and I will not be allowed to be mistreated ever again. 

Tuesday, September 29, 2026

Tuesday, September 29, 2026 -- Mattie died 865 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2005. Mattie was three years old. That weekend, we took Mattie on a nature walk and I packed a picnic. Could Mattie have managed without food.... definitely! But I couldn't! Unlike me, Mattie wasn't regulated or interested in food. Nonetheless, he would sit still long enough to snack on something especially if we were alfresco! I had many adventures with Mattie and I am so glad we did not miss a chance to see and do things before he was diagnosed!

Quote of the day: Asking for help is indeed a sign of strength. ~  Vinita Bansal

This morning after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I was determined to get two pumpkins for our front door. Since they are heavy and bulky, I did not want to wait until I go food shopping on Friday. 

So I first went to Lowe's! I know they have pumpkins and was thinking I would get two pumpkins there and a few coasters for my flower pots that come in during the winter. When I looked at the prices of pumpkins at Lowe's, I flipped out. Larger pumpkins started at $14. Since I knew Wegman's sells large pumpkins for $6, I quickly left Lowe's! It is the principle of the matter! Why should I pay over double the price? When I could get two big pumpkins for the price of one from Lowe's! 

Any case, while at Wegman's, there was a lovely fellow outside watching me move and reorganize the pumpkins. He was a fellow customer. He literally came over to me and said that he wanted to help me pick up the pumpkins rather than me doing it. At one time in my life, I would have accepted the help, now, forget it! I thanked him but told him I could easily do this! Seriously you would be surprise what I can lift and move on my own! I shuffled around the entire pumpkin display until I found two with the perfect shapes and stems! All I know is Mattie was a HUGE pumpkin fan! The actual gourds and of course pies, cookies, breads, and muffins! It was from Mattie, that I began to LOVE the taste of pumpkin! Trust me these pumpkins won't go to waste. Once Thanksgiving is over, these pumpkins will be coming inside and I will be transforming them into soup and roasted pumpkin! 

One of the things I absolutely hate is technology! Yet I have no one around to help me care for the health of my computers. I relied heavily on my other half for this. In fact, both sides of the family relied on him for this kind of help. When I got separated, I was frozen. I had so many problems and crises to address, that I did not give the computers much thought. But then it hit me..... how will I know if there are viruses on the computer? How will I update software and so forth? Seriously I have no idea! It was at that point, that I knew I needed help! I am not a person typically who likes to ask for help! It isn't in my nature, I rather be the helper. Yet, with my separation and divorce, I realized that I did need help with certain things and therefore decided to turn to professionals. 

Today, I contacted the company who virtually examines, cleans, and updates my computer and my mom's. It is not a process I like doing and seriously I drag my feet doing it! But today, I dedicated two hours to the process. In those two hours, I was glued to two computers, answering questions and helping along with the process. All I can say, is thank goodness there are skilled people out there who are trustworthy and can offer just services. All I know is after the two hours were over, I felt proud of myself for taking on a task that I hate and feel so uncertain about. I have many, many moments like this since September 23, 2023 (the day I was left behind), and there were two choices.... sink or swim. I am trying to swim. 

Monday, September 28, 2026

Monday, September 28, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2006. Mattie was four years old and if I was in the kitchen, sure enough, Mattie wouldn't be far behind. He was like my little shadow. Yes I was his mom, but I was also his play companion. One of Mattie's favorite past times was to build! He would create with all sorts of objects and media. That day, he brought his tinker toys into the kitchen! When I look at my refrigerator back then and compare it to my refrigerator now, there is a night and day difference. A child brings magic into the home. Mattie's art creations, photos, and other memorabilia always were posted on the front of the refrigerator. He loved seeing these things, as did I! Now my refrigerator is just that.... a plain refrigerator. 

Quote of the day: The pain of parting is nothing to the joy of meeting again. ~ Charles Dickens

This is a wedding photo of my maternal grandmother. Her name was Anne. Today would have been her 119th birthday. She unfortunately died in 1994 from a stroke. My grandmother married when she was only 16 years old, she was just a child. The photographer who took this photo, was enamored with my grandmother, and apparently he blew up a large version of this photo and displayed it in his studio, for advertisement purposes. Leave it to my grandmother. She was a kind, gentle, bright, and a loving soul. She had a quiet strength about her, who experienced the death of her second child and the death of her husband to colon cancer when she was in her 50s. In many ways, we have lived a similar life, as I lost Mattie and my husband. Of course, unlike me, you would never know that my grandmother was sad, upset, or devastated by loss. That said, I was told countless times in my life that I brought a whole new life and happiness to my grandmother when I was born. I heard it, I absorbed it, but until I faced my own enormous losses, I DIDN'T GET IT! I get it now ten fold. It is my hope that my grandmother has been united with Mattie. 

I know that after Mattie died, my first thought was.... who will be taking care of Mattie? Who is looking after him? Is he scared, is he lonely? Of course not rational questions, but the worries of being a mom do not end when your child dies. 

Today I took my mom to the salon in the city for her hair and nail appointments. The woman who does our nails, I have known since Mattie died in 2009. She is the sister of the woman who used to style my hair. When my hairstylist learned about Mattie's death, she insisted on treating me for nail service. From that one appointment, I have been seeing the same manicurist for 17 years! We have gotten to know each other so well that she refers to me as "her therapist." Of course I am not, but according to her, I listen, I am supportive, I have good insights, and she feels connected to me. In any case, in 17 years I have gotten to know all the members of her family through her lens. When I see her, we pick up our conversation where we left off from the time before. About 12 years ago, she was devastated because a family member she was deeply close to stopped communicating with her. She was dropped, abandoned, and belittled. Given that I knew the connection they shared, and witnessed it, I could absolutely understand why she was distraught. Every time we met, we would talk about this loss. As loss of this kind, ambiguous loss (a painful experience that occurs when a person is physically present but psychologically gone, or when a relationship ends without a traditional closure), plays with your mind and makes you doubt every part of your existence. Though I hadn't experienced such an ambiguous loss at that time, (as I do now!) I could deeply feel what she was expressing. 

At one point in our dialoguing years ago, I told her, mark my words.... this person will eventually come back to you. I felt that in my heart of hearts because of the level of closeness they once shared. Of course, when I would say this, such a reunion did not seem possible! It seemed really out there! As I told her, it was okay if she couldn't process what I was saying, that I would hold that feeling for her. Do you know what? Now..... 12 years later...... my words and feelings have come true. These two women have reunited, reconnected, and the love once shared is being restored. Truly it is remarkable, and it reminds me that love is love! True love never dies and with hope anything is possible.

Sunday, September 27, 2026

Sunday, September 27, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2006. Mattie was four years old and up to his antics on the staircase. What was he doing? Well he took Patches cat toy, placed it near her, and was trying to get her to play along with him. As Mattie pressed the button he was holding, a toy mouse would pop out of the base unit near Patches. Patches was the best cat! She put up with all sorts of stuff from Mattie, but she realized he was an important part of the family. Patches in many cases humored Mattie. Which was why I sometimes referred to her as... big sister Patches! 

Quote of the day: And all at once, Summer collapsed into Fall… ~ Oscar Wilde

It is the beginning of Fall, and with a nor'easter storm up and down the East coast, it has been damp and non-stop rain. It makes for a very depressing weekend. I am not a weekend fan to begin with, but grayness and rain are quite enough to make a hard weekend even harder. Moving around my parents in the damp and cold rain is challenging. They both move slowly and no matter how I maneuver them, I land up getting soaked. I take them out to the same restaurant every Sunday. Like clockwork, my dad always has an irritable bowel incident on the drive to the restaurant. The restaurant is about 30 minutes from my home. Though my dad's dementia is significant, what is life limiting is the combination of this cognitive decline with irritable bowel syndrome. It makes it close to impossible to travel anywhere with my dad or to live a normal life. As my world is regulated by his dripping nose and bathroom trips. 

This month we were invited to two events, one a special anniversary celebration for my cousins and another a birthday party of one of my mom's colleagues. Both are out of state and unfortunately given our circumstances, traveling is out of the question. But honestly I would even try traveling with them if I wasn't battling bathroom catastrophes. Caregiving produces isolation for various reasons. Top of the list is most people do not like being around these stresses and seeing these declines. But not having the freedom to visit people and connect with the world, makes my existence even harder.

This is when I resent even more the notion of being divorced. I did not sign up to move my parents to the East Coast. I did not feel it would be in their best interest as everything they knew was in California. Yet, now I am solely responsible for my parents and it is daunting. Wouldn't it be nice to have my other half doing the driving, helping to carry bags, and being an emotional support as I face countless caregiving stresses on any given day? The answer is YES, YES, and YES it WOULD!!!

As we were leaving the restaurant, sure enough, another irritable bowel incident occurred. I quickly whisked my dad into the car and had a major clean up job to do at home. While juggling my dad, we then had a temporary power outage. Which meant the wi-fi in the house went down. Nothing in the house works without a wi-fi connection and my mom was getting upset. So I wasn't sure what I was addressing first. What I have noticed is my mom's cognitive decline is much more significant, as she will ask me the same question multiple times in a matter of 15-20 minutes. It is a balancing act of being factual without saying something demeaning like..... you have asked me this twenty times already! 

The highlight of my evening was seeing all these deliveries for the Foundation's Item Drive! What these packages remind me is that Mattie Miracle matters and is making a difference. Supporters continue to stand behind the Foundation and in the process enable me to keep Mattie's memory alive and help countless other families like mine. 

On an aside, in September of 2021, I made the Fall wreath that is on my door. We had moved into the house in August of 2021, and we were living without my parents at that time. I remember going to the craft store and picking up silk flowers, pinecones, gourds, and a bare wreath. Within two hours, I created this finished product. Whenever I see this wreath, it takes me back in time, when I was a married woman and I thought a whole new chapter was ahead of us. 

Saturday, September 26, 2026

Saturday, September 26, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2007. Mattie was five years old and had just begun kindergarten. I am not sure who was more traumatized by Mattie being in a school a full day, but it was most likely me! Mattie's kindergarten teacher ran an after school club called, Construction Club! Leslie used found materials and had the kids learn about the mechanics and physics of creation and building! This was one of Mattie's Construction Club inventions! Mattie absolutely loved the Club and learned the art of using a glue gun and other tools. In fact it was Mattie who taught me how to use a glue gun, and if you know anything about me, then you know I LOVE my glue gun. I use it on everything! It is ironic because the next year, Mattie was going through cancer treatment at the hospital, and he took the skills he learned in Construction Club and built countless structures and masterpieces at the hospital. 

Quote of the day: P.S. You’re not going to die. Here’s the truth: It feels like you are. It feels like a lion is chasing you. It feels like a bear has spotted you. But it’s just the anxiety. You’re safe. ~ Glennon Doyle

Over the course of my life, I have had many bouts of anxiety. Most of the bouts were understandable and well under control. It was after Mattie died, that my anxiety became life altering. I literally thought I was getting a heart attack, had trouble breathing, and I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. This wasn't a one time issue, it happened daily, for weeks! It was so significant, that I went to visit my primary care doctor, who referred me to a cardiologist. After wearing a heart monitor for a week, which was also anxiety provoking, I learned that nothing physically was wrong with me. Instead, I had to face that I had clinical anxiety, with panic attacks, and at times agoraphobia. Having agoraphobia made it difficult to be stuck in one place, it made it challenging to be in groups of people, and it was very difficult functioning in society. Keep in mind I wasn't only dealing with anxiety, but I was facing the loss of Mattie. Actually the two were heavily intertwined, because when I had see Mattie die, and I had to survive life in a pediatric intensive care unit for over a year, you can't help but be traumatized. 

How did I manage the panic attacks? I did not go to therapy! I did not join a support group, and I most definitely did not have a sit down chat with anyone about it. Rather ironic, as I am a licensed therapist. Instead, I read about panic attacks and had daily internal dialogues with myself about the fact that I wasn't having a heart attack. I knew that the symptoms of the panic attack would resolve within minutes and I just had to work through those symptoms. The way I worked through anxiety, panic attacks, and even agoraphobia...... was I walked! Movement is my therapy! I took myself outside and walked for ten miles each day! I had to wear myself out, take in fresh air, and not interact with people. I saw people while walking and I was part of the world, but it was on my terms. After a month of walking ten miles a day and working through my faulty thoughts about my symptoms, I was able to take back control of my life. That may not sound huge, but for me it was, it showed me that I had the inner strength to attack a very daunting problem. 

When I found myself separated in 2023, all those anxiety symptoms I had after Mattie died in 2009, came flooding back! Of course this time, I couldn't walk ten miles a day, as I was caring for Sunny, who was dying from cancer, I was caregiving for both of my parents, and I was struggling financially to figure out bills, debts, and other issues. All of this evoked stress and anxiety. Just like when Mattie died, I could no longer sleep! I mean NO SLEEP! But this time, I knew what to do, I contacted my doctor and went right back on the medication I took when Mattie died. It has no side effects and for me it works like a charm, because if I don't sleep, nothing in the house will get done. What do I now do when the panic overtakes my head? I take a deep breath and I try to tune out of what is happening around me so that I can mentally regroup. Most people around me will never know I am having a panic attack, as I have gotten very good at hiding the symptoms, but I know they are there.

This week, I took my parents to see the physical rehabilitation physician. They see him every three to four months. While interacting with his nurse, she gave both of my parents an anxiety and depression screening. Which maybe why I am reflecting on my own battle above. The nurse asked my parents two questions and my mom was able to answer them but my dad looked at me, confused and wanted me to answer for him. Which I wouldn't do! First off, the nurse was talking way too fast for my dad! After she read a mouthful of a question, I basically said to my dad..... do you feel sad or depressed? He got it and said, NO! I have no problem with doctors asking these questions, as mental health issues impact our physical health, but what I have a problem with is the fact that most times the responses to these questions go in the dead letter file! NOTHING gets done with them, so you have to ask...... why ask them if you don't plan on doing any follow through? Simple answer, is it is dictated by insurance! The story of our lives.