Wednesday, September 30, 2026

Wednesday, September 30, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2004. Mattie was two years old and this was classic Mattie. He loved our living room window, getting as close to it as possible, and walking behind my plant stand. What you can't see is on the plant stand was Patches' cat bed. I put it up there to give her some safe space from little hands. Mattie wanted desperately to get up to that level to inspect the cat bed. Mattie was a busy little fellow, his body and mind were always in motion, therefore, as a result, I learned to work with his style!

Quote of the day: The kindest and best caregivers are those who realize that it could easily be them in the weaker one's place; they do not distance the one in need by making them an "other." ~ Pamela Cox

It was another busy day on the farm. My mom had her physical therapy session at 10am. Given that I had a doctor appointment at the hospital today, I did not send my dad to his memory care center. I just couldn't juggle that on top of everything else. My doctor's appointment was at 2:30pm, and it is about a 30 minute commute each way. Given that my mom likes going out each day, I timed a visit to the frozen yogurt store after my mom's therapy session and before my visit to the hospital. That may sound all well and wonderful, but it was stressful. My parents move slowly and taking them out requires a lot of coordination and when I have a time deadline, the pressure on me is even more significant. Of course while at the yogurt store, my dad had an irritable bowel attack. Needless to say, I got him home, changed him completely and then scrambled to get everything I needed to go to my appointment. By the time I got to the hospital, I felt like I ran a marathon. 

When I got to the fifth floor of the hospital, they had a greeter by the elevator. She looked at me and deduced I was seeing an OB! Rather hysterical, as I don't look pregnant and I am too old to have a child. But I went with it! Any case, though I do not like these gynecology visits, I happen to like my doctor. She is fantastic, competent, and good at what she does. I also like that she coordinates my care with the breast specialist I see yearly. 

The gynecologist could not believe that I am a full time caregiver. When she asked how long I have been doing this, I could see a level of shock came over her when I said five years. As I said to her today...... you only get ONE CHANCE to do a good job at caregiving, because the one certainty is it is a finite role. As caregiving typically involves providing support to someone who is not growing, maturing, and gaining independence. Instead, caregiving for an older adult, means constant changes, constant declines, and with that it forces you to learn new physical and cognitive strategies and also face the hard emotional reality of the daily loss in front of you. 

Why am I showing you a photo of shoes? Well Clark's (one of  my favorite shoe companies) was having a shoe sale last week. Since my separation/divorce, I have not purchased one piece of clothing, shoes, or anything for myself. I am constantly buying things for my parents, but for myself, forget it. Before my other half left, I was a big shoe fan. Some women like purses, clothing, etc! Me it is shoes! 

My shoes arrived at my doorstep today, and to me it was like winning the lottery. I am very excited to have a new pair of shoes and I love the tortoise shell pattern in the front along with the metal links! 

I remember after Mattie died, I also did not want to purchase anything new. There was a feeling of guilt associated with being alive and having the ability to purchase an item. I can still recall the very first item that I purchased after Mattie died. It took my over a year to make a purchase, and it was of a crushed velvet shirt. I still have this shirt, and I typically wear it every Christmas. That shirt symbolized my ability to see that I mattered, that I was part of the world, and that it was okay to purchase something (without it being disrespectful of Mattie). Ironically these shoes are also symbolic to me..... they are a reminder that I know who I am and the kind of person I am, and I will not be allowed to be mistreated ever again. 

Tuesday, September 29, 2026

Tuesday, September 29, 2026 -- Mattie died 865 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2005. Mattie was three years old. That weekend, we took Mattie on a nature walk and I packed a picnic. Could Mattie have managed without food.... definitely! But I couldn't! Unlike me, Mattie wasn't regulated or interested in food. Nonetheless, he would sit still long enough to snack on something especially if we were alfresco! I had many adventures with Mattie and I am so glad we did not miss a chance to see and do things before he was diagnosed!

Quote of the day: Asking for help is indeed a sign of strength. ~  Vinita Bansal

This morning after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I was determined to get two pumpkins for our front door. Since they are heavy and bulky, I did not want to wait until I go food shopping on Friday. 

So I first went to Lowe's! I know they have pumpkins and was thinking I would get two pumpkins there and a few coasters for my flower pots that come in during the winter. When I looked at the prices of pumpkins at Lowe's, I flipped out. Larger pumpkins started at $14. Since I knew Wegman's sells large pumpkins for $6, I quickly left Lowe's! It is the principle of the matter! Why should I pay over double the price? When I could get two big pumpkins for the price of one from Lowe's! 

Any case, while at Wegman's, there was a lovely fellow outside watching me move and reorganize the pumpkins. He was a fellow customer. He literally came over to me and said that he wanted to help me pick up the pumpkins rather than me doing it. At one time in my life, I would have accepted the help, now, forget it! I thanked him but told him I could easily do this! Seriously you would be surprise what I can lift and move on my own! I shuffled around the entire pumpkin display until I found two with the perfect shapes and stems! All I know is Mattie was a HUGE pumpkin fan! The actual gourds and of course pies, cookies, breads, and muffins! It was from Mattie, that I began to LOVE the taste of pumpkin! Trust me these pumpkins won't go to waste. Once Thanksgiving is over, these pumpkins will be coming inside and I will be transforming them into soup and roasted pumpkin! 

One of the things I absolutely hate is technology! Yet I have no one around to help me care for the health of my computers. I relied heavily on my other half for this. In fact, both sides of the family relied on him for this kind of help. When I got separated, I was frozen. I had so many problems and crises to address, that I did not give the computers much thought. But then it hit me..... how will I know if there are viruses on the computer? How will I update software and so forth? Seriously I have no idea! It was at that point, that I knew I needed help! I am not a person typically who likes to ask for help! It isn't in my nature, I rather be the helper. Yet, with my separation and divorce, I realized that I did need help with certain things and therefore decided to turn to professionals. 

Today, I contacted the company who virtually examines, cleans, and updates my computer and my mom's. It is not a process I like doing and seriously I drag my feet doing it! But today, I dedicated two hours to the process. In those two hours, I was glued to two computers, answering questions and helping along with the process. All I can say, is thank goodness there are skilled people out there who are trustworthy and can offer just services. All I know is after the two hours were over, I felt proud of myself for taking on a task that I hate and feel so uncertain about. I have many, many moments like this since September 23, 2023 (the day I was left behind), and there were two choices.... sink or swim. I am trying to swim. 

Monday, September 28, 2026

Monday, September 28, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2006. Mattie was four years old and if I was in the kitchen, sure enough, Mattie wouldn't be far behind. He was like my little shadow. Yes I was his mom, but I was also his play companion. One of Mattie's favorite past times was to build! He would create with all sorts of objects and media. That day, he brought his tinker toys into the kitchen! When I look at my refrigerator back then and compare it to my refrigerator now, there is a night and day difference. A child brings magic into the home. Mattie's art creations, photos, and other memorabilia always were posted on the front of the refrigerator. He loved seeing these things, as did I! Now my refrigerator is just that.... a plain refrigerator. 

Quote of the day: The pain of parting is nothing to the joy of meeting again. ~ Charles Dickens

This is a wedding photo of my maternal grandmother. Her name was Anne. Today would have been her 119th birthday. She unfortunately died in 1994 from a stroke. My grandmother married when she was only 16 years old, she was just a child. The photographer who took this photo, was enamored with my grandmother, and apparently he blew up a large version of this photo and displayed it in his studio, for advertisement purposes. Leave it to my grandmother. She was a kind, gentle, bright, and a loving soul. She had a quiet strength about her, who experienced the death of her second child and the death of her husband to colon cancer when she was in her 50s. In many ways, we have lived a similar life, as I lost Mattie and my husband. Of course, unlike me, you would never know that my grandmother was sad, upset, or devastated by loss. That said, I was told countless times in my life that I brought a whole new life and happiness to my grandmother when I was born. I heard it, I absorbed it, but until I faced my own enormous losses, I DIDN'T GET IT! I get it now ten fold. It is my hope that my grandmother has been united with Mattie. 

I know that after Mattie died, my first thought was.... who will be taking care of Mattie? Who is looking after him? Is he scared, is he lonely? Of course not rational questions, but the worries of being a mom do not end when your child dies. 

Today I took my mom to the salon in the city for her hair and nail appointments. The woman who does our nails, I have known since Mattie died in 2009. She is the sister of the woman who used to style my hair. When my hairstylist learned about Mattie's death, she insisted on treating me for nail service. From that one appointment, I have been seeing the same manicurist for 17 years! We have gotten to know each other so well that she refers to me as "her therapist." Of course I am not, but according to her, I listen, I am supportive, I have good insights, and she feels connected to me. In any case, in 17 years I have gotten to know all the members of her family through her lens. When I see her, we pick up our conversation where we left off from the time before. About 12 years ago, she was devastated because a family member she was deeply close to stopped communicating with her. She was dropped, abandoned, and belittled. Given that I knew the connection they shared, and witnessed it, I could absolutely understand why she was distraught. Every time we met, we would talk about this loss. As loss of this kind, ambiguous loss (a painful experience that occurs when a person is physically present but psychologically gone, or when a relationship ends without a traditional closure), plays with your mind and makes you doubt every part of your existence. Though I hadn't experienced such an ambiguous loss at that time, (as I do now!) I could deeply feel what she was expressing. 

At one point in our dialoguing years ago, I told her, mark my words.... this person will eventually come back to you. I felt that in my heart of hearts because of the level of closeness they once shared. Of course, when I would say this, such a reunion did not seem possible! It seemed really out there! As I told her, it was okay if she couldn't process what I was saying, that I would hold that feeling for her. Do you know what? Now..... 12 years later...... my words and feelings have come true. These two women have reunited, reconnected, and the love once shared is being restored. Truly it is remarkable, and it reminds me that love is love! True love never dies and with hope anything is possible.

Sunday, September 27, 2026

Sunday, September 27, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2006. Mattie was four years old and up to his antics on the staircase. What was he doing? Well he took Patches cat toy, placed it near her, and was trying to get her to play along with him. As Mattie pressed the button he was holding, a toy mouse would pop out of the base unit near Patches. Patches was the best cat! She put up with all sorts of stuff from Mattie, but she realized he was an important part of the family. Patches in many cases humored Mattie. Which was why I sometimes referred to her as... big sister Patches! 

Quote of the day: And all at once, Summer collapsed into Fall… ~ Oscar Wilde

It is the beginning of Fall, and with a nor'easter storm up and down the East coast, it has been damp and non-stop rain. It makes for a very depressing weekend. I am not a weekend fan to begin with, but grayness and rain are quite enough to make a hard weekend even harder. Moving around my parents in the damp and cold rain is challenging. They both move slowly and no matter how I maneuver them, I land up getting soaked. I take them out to the same restaurant every Sunday. Like clockwork, my dad always has an irritable bowel incident on the drive to the restaurant. The restaurant is about 30 minutes from my home. Though my dad's dementia is significant, what is life limiting is the combination of this cognitive decline with irritable bowel syndrome. It makes it close to impossible to travel anywhere with my dad or to live a normal life. As my world is regulated by his dripping nose and bathroom trips. 

This month we were invited to two events, one a special anniversary celebration for my cousins and another a birthday party of one of my mom's colleagues. Both are out of state and unfortunately given our circumstances, traveling is out of the question. But honestly I would even try traveling with them if I wasn't battling bathroom catastrophes. Caregiving produces isolation for various reasons. Top of the list is most people do not like being around these stresses and seeing these declines. But not having the freedom to visit people and connect with the world, makes my existence even harder.

This is when I resent even more the notion of being divorced. I did not sign up to move my parents to the East Coast. I did not feel it would be in their best interest as everything they knew was in California. Yet, now I am solely responsible for my parents and it is daunting. Wouldn't it be nice to have my other half doing the driving, helping to carry bags, and being an emotional support as I face countless caregiving stresses on any given day? The answer is YES, YES, and YES it WOULD!!!

As we were leaving the restaurant, sure enough, another irritable bowel incident occurred. I quickly whisked my dad into the car and had a major clean up job to do at home. While juggling my dad, we then had a temporary power outage. Which meant the wi-fi in the house went down. Nothing in the house works without a wi-fi connection and my mom was getting upset. So I wasn't sure what I was addressing first. What I have noticed is my mom's cognitive decline is much more significant, as she will ask me the same question multiple times in a matter of 15-20 minutes. It is a balancing act of being factual without saying something demeaning like..... you have asked me this twenty times already! 

The highlight of my evening was seeing all these deliveries for the Foundation's Item Drive! What these packages remind me is that Mattie Miracle matters and is making a difference. Supporters continue to stand behind the Foundation and in the process enable me to keep Mattie's memory alive and help countless other families like mine. 

On an aside, in September of 2021, I made the Fall wreath that is on my door. We had moved into the house in August of 2021, and we were living without my parents at that time. I remember going to the craft store and picking up silk flowers, pinecones, gourds, and a bare wreath. Within two hours, I created this finished product. Whenever I see this wreath, it takes me back in time, when I was a married woman and I thought a whole new chapter was ahead of us. 

Saturday, September 26, 2026

Saturday, September 26, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2007. Mattie was five years old and had just begun kindergarten. I am not sure who was more traumatized by Mattie being in a school a full day, but it was most likely me! Mattie's kindergarten teacher ran an after school club called, Construction Club! Leslie used found materials and had the kids learn about the mechanics and physics of creation and building! This was one of Mattie's Construction Club inventions! Mattie absolutely loved the Club and learned the art of using a glue gun and other tools. In fact it was Mattie who taught me how to use a glue gun, and if you know anything about me, then you know I LOVE my glue gun. I use it on everything! It is ironic because the next year, Mattie was going through cancer treatment at the hospital, and he took the skills he learned in Construction Club and built countless structures and masterpieces at the hospital. 

Quote of the day: P.S. You’re not going to die. Here’s the truth: It feels like you are. It feels like a lion is chasing you. It feels like a bear has spotted you. But it’s just the anxiety. You’re safe. ~ Glennon Doyle

Over the course of my life, I have had many bouts of anxiety. Most of the bouts were understandable and well under control. It was after Mattie died, that my anxiety became life altering. I literally thought I was getting a heart attack, had trouble breathing, and I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. This wasn't a one time issue, it happened daily, for weeks! It was so significant, that I went to visit my primary care doctor, who referred me to a cardiologist. After wearing a heart monitor for a week, which was also anxiety provoking, I learned that nothing physically was wrong with me. Instead, I had to face that I had clinical anxiety, with panic attacks, and at times agoraphobia. Having agoraphobia made it difficult to be stuck in one place, it made it challenging to be in groups of people, and it was very difficult functioning in society. Keep in mind I wasn't only dealing with anxiety, but I was facing the loss of Mattie. Actually the two were heavily intertwined, because when I had see Mattie die, and I had to survive life in a pediatric intensive care unit for over a year, you can't help but be traumatized. 

How did I manage the panic attacks? I did not go to therapy! I did not join a support group, and I most definitely did not have a sit down chat with anyone about it. Rather ironic, as I am a licensed therapist. Instead, I read about panic attacks and had daily internal dialogues with myself about the fact that I wasn't having a heart attack. I knew that the symptoms of the panic attack would resolve within minutes and I just had to work through those symptoms. The way I worked through anxiety, panic attacks, and even agoraphobia...... was I walked! Movement is my therapy! I took myself outside and walked for ten miles each day! I had to wear myself out, take in fresh air, and not interact with people. I saw people while walking and I was part of the world, but it was on my terms. After a month of walking ten miles a day and working through my faulty thoughts about my symptoms, I was able to take back control of my life. That may not sound huge, but for me it was, it showed me that I had the inner strength to attack a very daunting problem. 

When I found myself separated in 2023, all those anxiety symptoms I had after Mattie died in 2009, came flooding back! Of course this time, I couldn't walk ten miles a day, as I was caring for Sunny, who was dying from cancer, I was caregiving for both of my parents, and I was struggling financially to figure out bills, debts, and other issues. All of this evoked stress and anxiety. Just like when Mattie died, I could no longer sleep! I mean NO SLEEP! But this time, I knew what to do, I contacted my doctor and went right back on the medication I took when Mattie died. It has no side effects and for me it works like a charm, because if I don't sleep, nothing in the house will get done. What do I now do when the panic overtakes my head? I take a deep breath and I try to tune out of what is happening around me so that I can mentally regroup. Most people around me will never know I am having a panic attack, as I have gotten very good at hiding the symptoms, but I know they are there.

This week, I took my parents to see the physical rehabilitation physician. They see him every three to four months. While interacting with his nurse, she gave both of my parents an anxiety and depression screening. Which maybe why I am reflecting on my own battle above. The nurse asked my parents two questions and my mom was able to answer them but my dad looked at me, confused and wanted me to answer for him. Which I wouldn't do! First off, the nurse was talking way too fast for my dad! After she read a mouthful of a question, I basically said to my dad..... do you feel sad or depressed? He got it and said, NO! I have no problem with doctors asking these questions, as mental health issues impact our physical health, but what I have a problem with is the fact that most times the responses to these questions go in the dead letter file! NOTHING gets done with them, so you have to ask...... why ask them if you don't plan on doing any follow through? Simple answer, is it is dictated by insurance! The story of our lives.   

Friday, September 25, 2026

Friday, September 25, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2005. Mattie was three years old and that weekend, we drove to a peach farm. This was my very first time picking peaches. Farmer Brown, one of my many nicknames for Mattie, was in his element. I can't tell you how many peaches we picked that day. We came home and I had to figure out what to do with all of this wonderful fruit. I baked with it, we ate the fruit raw, and I also made countless jars of jam! What a wonderful memory, unfortunately it was our first and last time peach picking together. 

Quote of the day: At any given moment you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end. ~ Christine Mason Miller

Each night this week, I could see my hallway was aglow. I looked up and sure enough there was Mattie Moon! Looking right at me. This is one of the many reasons I love this big Palladian window, as I feel I always get signs from my Mattie through it! He never fails to let me know he is watching! 

Meanwhile, this was today's sighting as I was driving down my street! We have a family of deer who visit daily. In fact, I can't tell you how many times I find fawns lying in my front bushes! The first time I saw this happen, I thought the baby was injured. I did not approach the fawn, but instead went inside and Googled this and learned that this is not uncommon. Apparently the mom deemed my home safe for her baby while she was off foraging for food. Needless to say, mom came back for the fawn! 

Meanwhile the Mattie Miracle Item Drive is underway this week. I opened my door, to find these wonderful surprises. I am so grateful for our friends and supporters who keep our five Snack & Item Carts at hospitals rolling. These Cart provide free snacks, candy, and toiletries to families caring for a child with cancer. Our Carts support 2,500 families a year!!! Please check out our Wish List.

Thursday, September 24, 2026

Thursday, September 24, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. We drove up to New York City, to consult with another oncologist about Mattie's diagnosis and treatment plan. In between hospital visits, we tried to do fun things with Mattie. That afternoon, we took him to the famous FAO Schwarz! Mind you, I grew up in NY, and I never went to this store! I only saw it depicted in movies, so it was an experience for both of us! As I always said, Mattie opened up a whole new world for me. 

Quote of the day: Determination that just won’t quit—that’s what it takes. ~ A.J. Foyt

I came across tonight's quote today, and it resonated with me. I would say determination is the key word for any family caregiver. Each day, we face challenges, things that not only test our patience, but at times could break us. Yet we regroup and carry on, because people rely on us. But it comes at a price and we will eventually pay a toll for this stress and exhaustion. 

This morning, I had to take my dad for his podiatry appointment. He sees this doctor every 9 weeks. Regardless of the day or time, without fail, my dad always has an irritable bowel attack.... either while in the car, or walking to the office, or both. Today was NO different, which was why I told my mom that she needed to stay at home. I truly can't manage my mom and my dad at the same time at these appointments. 

Given the intense clean up I did at the doctor's office, I thought the worst was over for the day. WRONG. This office is run by a husband and wife doctor team. My dad sees either one of them! However, starting this summer, the wife has taken a leave from the practice because she is juggling two small children at home. I was talking to the husband today and asked how his wife was doing. His response was.... "she rather be at the office!" He said being home 24/7 is much harder than working outside of the house. I of course listened and tried to be supportive. 

Having raised Mattie full-time, and then worked outside the house at night while my other half was home, I know first hand how difficult it is to be a stay at home mom. I think people feel staying home is easy, that we do not have the stresses of working. WRONG! Our work is around the clock and we aren't compensated for our work. Of course while hearing this doctor lament, a part of me wanted to say...... do you know how lucky you are? You have two healthy children and an intact marriage! From my lens, all other problems are manageable, fixable, and together can be solved. 

After the appointment, I drove home, and once again, had to fully change my dad. So that is three changes in under two hours. I dealt with the laundry and then took my parents out to lunch. Sure enough, while at lunch, my dad went two more times. It was so bad, the second time, that it was all over him and his clothes. Thankfully I travel with garbage bags, as I had to bag his clothes, and once he was cleaned up and back at the table, I went to the car and stored the soiled clothes in the trunk. I won't tell you what my car smelled like when I returned to it! I literally drove home with all the windows down. 

It is 6:30pm, and I feel like I have gone ten rounds today! So I am hoping to regroup and that tomorrow is a better day.  

Wednesday, September 23, 2026

Wednesday, September 23, 2026

I will never forget this photo! It was taken on the first day of kindergarten in September of 2007. It was an exciting and daunting time, because this was Mattie's first experience being gone from home for half of the day. I snapped this photo to commemorate the occasion and I was hoping to capture every first day of school in the future, to be able to compare them throughout the years. Of course that never happened, because the next year Mattie was undergoing cancer treatment. 

Quote of the day: Don’t mistake exhaustion for weakness. Sometimes the strongest thing you can do is rest, and let your roots deepen unseen. ~ Lawrence Nault

Last night, I received a text message that my former mother-in-law's brother died. Dave has been battling prostate cancer for years. He was a military man, who survived the Vietnam War, was a volunteer fire fighter, a musician, a certified plumber, a lover of animals, and a family man. I met Dave when I was in college, and you know when you immediately connect with someone, well that was us. 

When I became separated, I had the opportunity to talk to Dave on the phone. I admit I was distraught. He tried to put things into perspective for me. First, he asked, do I really want to be with someone who doesn't value me? But then he said, his divorce was the best thing that happened to him, because it allowed him to eventually find his second wife and life partner. Together they built a fulfilling and beautiful life together. What he said to me, remains with me today. When I heard that he died, I sent a message to his wife, because I wanted her to know the extent of our conversation back in 2023, as I thought she needed to know that she was the best thing that happened to him and his life. 

It was another 5:30am rising today, as Bob my electrician was coming back to rewire my kitchen lights. This is day two of this process. As I said to Bob tonight..... and then there was light! 

Today marks the third anniversary of my separation. This may sound ridiculous to you that I acknowledge this day, but to me, it is a day I will never forget. I can visualize and feel it like it were yesterday. That day marks when my life permanently changed forever. It happened, I am not sweeping it under the rug, and I am left dealing with the consequences. 

I received this beautiful hand crafted teapot card in the mail today, from my friend in England. We share a similar nightmare and in the card was a tea bag. She said if we were together, we would sit, have a cup of tea and a good "old natter."

In addition to everything else, I had to take my parents to the hospital today for their 10am doctor appointments. The stress of trying to get both of them up and out the door in time, is a lot, while also balancing Bob. But I did it. By 4pm, I felt depleted, had a sore throat, and couldn't keep my head up. So I did what I never do! I went upstairs to my bed, sat on the bed with a heating pad, and fell asleep for an hour. Physically and emotionally I needed to regroup. 

Tuesday, September 22, 2026

Tuesday, September 22, 2026 -- Mattie died 864 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. Mattie was in his second month of treatment. We were home between hospital visits and as you can see, Mattie was already on IV hydration at home. Sitting with Mattie, was Nurse Patches, our calico cat. Patches was an amazing cat and Mattie grew up with her. Given that we spent most weeks in the hospital, we made the difficult decision to board Patches at our vet. Patches spent over a year living at our vet's office. We elected to do this for her safety, as she needed daily medication and I wanted the peace of mind that she was getting the care she needed while we were fully focused on Mattie. But don't you know that one of Mattie's dying requests was to have Patches visit the hospital. The hospital would not allow this, which to this day, I find very upsetting. Patches would have been in her carrier, she was fully vaccinated, and she wouldn't be walking the hallways. I have no doubt that Mattie and Patches have now found one another. 

Quote of the day: Everyone is replaceable. But loyal people choose to not replace. ~ Garima Soni

Last night, I was making dinner. That horrible 1-800 number popped up on my phone! I thought I got rid of those calls! What am I talking about? I am talking about my mortgage company. I have endured practically daily and weekly calls from this company since May 1! I closed on the mortgage assumption on August 20, and it was my hope I would never see that 1-800 number again! HA, HA, HA!

My escrow agent was calling me to inform me she calculated my escrow shortage incorrectly! Instead, I now owe MUCH, MUCH more money! Seriously as she was talking to me, an immediate migraine ensued. I literally told her to stop talking, because I needed to sit down and get out paper and a pen as she was throwing numbers and data at me. NOT a good plan at 6pm! Any case, I was able to track her and all I can say is thank goodness I received a reimbursement check from my cancelled home owner's insurance policy (that I shared with my other half). Because I will need that money in order to help meet the shortage. 

Next steps is I have to figure out how to pay the rest of the shortage and then I have to call my escrow agent in October, at which point the bank will run another escrow analysis. I have gone from clueless in 2023, to knowing MUCH MORE than I care or want to know! I do not know how I cooked dinner last night, served it, and cleaned up, but I got it done. But I felt overwhelmed and when I feel this way, my natural instinct is to walk and move around. I certainly could do that if I was on my own, but I had two people waiting for dinner. So my angst was put on my mental shelf. 

This morning, I got up at 5:30am, because I had both a plumber and electrician coming over. I had to get up that early because not only do I have to get myself together, but I have to make sure my dad was up, showered, and dressed before anyone came over. I know full well that I can't answer questions and also manage my dad's morning routine at the same time. 

When things arise in the house, I try to address them quickly. Assuming they are not large ticket items. I also have a large ticket item list going, and given the mortgage assumption I have been enduring, NOTHING large is getting addressed. As tonight's quote points out, I happen to be one of these loyal people. Not just in my personal relationships but in all my connections. When we moved into the house in 2021, we worked with Bob (my electrician) and Cody (my plumber) for months! Yes there was a lot wrong with the house, and because we bought the house during COVID, we did not get a house inspection. Once we bought the house, we learned quickly that the whole house needed to be rewirer and there were major plumbing and HVAC issues. When you spend three or more months with contractors, you get to know them well. 

Why am I telling you this? I am telling you this because Cody left the company I have a service membership with, and so today, a different plumber, JR, came over. Cody recommended JR to me. JR was a peach, however, JR was also aware of my connection to Cody. Though I have asked to stay with Cody, and told him I would follow him over to his new company, Cody felt awkward about doing this, and he did not want to pressure me. Today, JR spoke in a language I understood. He basically told me that Cody is very fond of me and doesn't want to lose me as a customer. So clearly Cody and I were talking passed each other and though I thought I was making myself clear to him in text messages, today I spelled it out for him. Understand that Cody knows about Mattie, he knew my other half and everything that transpired, and he even asked his company to help fundraise for the Foundation. When Cody's son got sick, I provided insights and emotional support, and when Cody found out about my separation, he and his wife sent me flowers. So you are getting the picture. 

JR helped me today, fixed my dad's toilet, and he even showed me how to take apart a sink drain. Literally I did it while he was talking me through it! YES I like learning and being as independent as possible. So now I have JR's cell number too, in case I should ever need help and I can't get a hold of Cody. I have every cell number of every contractor that works with me, and they know I respect their time and boundaries. But if I have a problem, even at 10pm, I will be texting you. Thankfully they always respond. 

My electrical issue is much more significant. We learned today that the wiring in my kitchen is backward. Positive is negative, and negative is positive and it blew out one of the light switches. So Bob returns tomorrow to continue the work. My joke with Bob is, if it is in this house and he did not correct it in 2021, then you know you will need to correct it now. 

Monday, September 21, 2026

Monday, September 21, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2007. That weekend we took Mattie in a rowboat on the Potomac River. That was a usual weekend occurrence for the boys in the Fall. But that day, I was invited to tag along. Mattie wanted to show me his fishing skills. As you can see, he caught a catfish. So I had him pose for a photo with the fish before throwing it back into the water. I have to admit, I wasn't a fishing fan, but if it interested Mattie, I learned that it interested me too. 

Quote of the day: I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone. ~ Robin Williams

My friend in England, sent me the YouTube video series (below) to watch. She sent it to me because she and I are now alone. Not by choice, the decision was made for us. It is a very difficult loss after being married for decades. After all our other halves haven't died, they are very much alive.... they are what psychologists sometimes call, "present-disappearing." In any case, my friend introduced me to this woman who does a series on being single. Single for various reasons..... choice, divorce, or death. I have to admit the term single sets me off, as it is one thing for you to elect to be single, but quite another if this isn't how you envisioned your life. 

Since I became single, as my separation began on September 23, 2023, I had a sharp learning curve and major rude awakening. I had to learn everything from finances to house maintenance. The video below is about 15 minutes, and she lists 9 habits that flourish when you are single. I have to admit, I only got through maybe the first four or five. Not because I think what she is saying is incorrect, I stopped because I can only handle snippets of this reality. However, what I did listen to, resonated with me. Now that said, do I think you need to be single to have these characteristics and traits? NO! It is like saying I am a strong and courageous woman because I survived Mattie's cancer and death. I would like to think we can become strong and courageous without having such traumatic experiences. 

In the video, she mentions that being single means there are NO back ups, no one to do chores, no help with tasks, and no one to share and witness your good or difficult days. Instead, we have to prepare for problems and be resourceful. In fact, she says these habits that we develop turn into our super powers. Which made me laugh. Because we lost a significant other, we have to learn the art of self soothing, to achieve emotional stability. I never thought about it, but my afternoon tea (while doing chores), gardening, going on the treadmill, and even watching Hallmark movies are all consistent ways I self sooth. She says self sooth, I say..... my therapy. 

But what she said about support systems, was key. When I was married, my main support system was my other half. Not having this now, means I have to build connections everywhere else. The people I know at the frozen yogurt store, at Starbuck's, and the restaurants we go to...... she would consider them a part of my network. Building a community network, she would say, shows my resourcefulness. Her specific line is "loneliness is solved by familiarity, being known, human warmth threaded to other humans."

I certainly can absorb parts of this messaging, but given that I don't enjoy, value, or appreciate being single, it is harder to accept that this is me. I have been forced to take on roles, responsibilities, and a new future which I don't celebrate or find awesome, revolutionary, and rewarding. I share the video below, because if you are like me, navigating your life alone, some of what you hear may resonate with you.