Thursday, February 19, 2026

Thursday, February 19, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2009. I snapped a photo of Mattie outside his hospital room door. It was not unusual for me to decorate Mattie's room while he was hospitalized. In fact, I traveled with a bin of decorations, so that we displayed different creations at every admission. Since we practically lived in the hospital, these colorful things brightened up the hospital space. Mattie painted these wonderful creations, so naturally I posted them to the door that day. As Mattie's cancer treatment wore on, his artistic creations enabled his care team to have something to converse with him about, before jumping into a medical exam. So though these were visually appealing they also served a psychosocial purpose! 

Quote of the day: We do not realize the extent of the energy we are losing until we find where it is seeping from. ~ Elliot Page

As of today, I have been feeling unwell for a good three weeks. I have interacted with a doctor, a physician assistant, and was prescribed antibiotics and over the counter medications. This morning, I felt like I was struggling. I am very tired, and need to rest to recuperate. But in my house, rest is not possible, because I run the schedule and everything within the house. My dad had a physical therapy session today and I had to get it together. In fact, next week, I have early mornings each day because there is one doctor appointment after the other and the stress of herding my parents out of the house in the morning is sickening. 

So at some point, I had a meltdown today and contacted my doctor's office. No one can see me tomorrow, so I am seeing my doctor on Monday instead. Mind you I have a thirty minute window for Monday's appointment because after that, I have to take my mom to her bone density appointment. So my mom will be in tow with me for my own appointment. Why? Because my mom is not capable to find her way to her doctor's office, even though it is in the same building as my appointment. Therefore, she has to remain with me. 

It was rainy and depressing day today, but despite the weather and how I was feeling, I took my parents out for lunch. Just getting each one of them in the car and inside the restaurant is a show. I now can't manage them together, so I manage one by one which means a ton of running back and forth to the car for me. Seriously every place we go..... people know me! You would be amazed at what people observe and absorb! The joke at today's restaurant is..... do I have wings? They always turn me around to look on my back for angel wings, and every time, I laugh! All I can hope is that the angels are watching out for me, because I am tired of this sinus infection, drowning in fluid, head pressure and now a foul smokey smell in my nasal passages. Managing this on top of caregiving and everything else is wearing.  

Wednesday, February 18, 2026

Wednesday, February 18, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2009. This was what a typical physical therapy session looked like for Mattie. He had an entourage! Behind him were his art therapists, his social worker, and a physical therapy intern! Literally it took all of our energy to motivate Mattie to try to walk and take a few steps. Mattie was weak and very scared that he was going to fall and further injure himself. The emotional support of the team is something that remains in my mind and heart always. Amazing women!

Quote of the day: And I felt like my heart had been so thoroughly and irreparably broken that there could be no real joy again, that at best there might eventually be a little contentment. Everyone wanted me to get help and rejoin life, pick up the pieces and move on, and I tried to, I wanted to, but I just had to lie in the mud with my arms wrapped around myself, eyes closed, grieving, until I didn’t have to anymore. ~ Anne Lamott

If you have been following along, then you know I have been feeling sick since the last week in January. I am still struggling, and I am wondering if these sinus infection symptoms will ever disappear! Of course not being able to rest for a minute doesn't help. For the past two days, I have been dealing with my dad's irritable bowel issues and I will spare you the details, other than mornings are hellish in my house. 

This afternoon, I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up four different medications for my dad. What does it say when the pharmacist knows me?! I am not kidding! She literally saw me today and screamed out from behind the counter.... how is your dad? She is a wonderful person and very knowledgeable. She has a countless number of customers, but she gets to know your story and who you are caring for! She knew all about the medication changes we recently made, because I inputted this feedback in the CVS portal and she called me immediately on Saturday to discuss it! I told her today that I am grateful she is on our case, because I appreciate all knowledgeable eyes on my dad's prescriptions. 

When my dad goes to his memory care program, I take my mom out for tea. Our local Starbuck's has become a form for therapy for both of us. I know the general manager and mostly everyone who works there! They all know I am a caregiver and whenever the manager is working, he brings all the items I order directly to the table for me. That may not sound like a big deal, but to me this form of kindness is so deeply appreciated. The manager is going on a trip in about two months and every time he sees me he says..... I so wish you were going on a vacation too..... you deserve it more than me. To which I usually laugh, as he works very hard interfacing with the public. But to some extent his comment reminds me that the last time I went on vacation was in 2021 (and I was married, when the world made more sense to me). Since that point, I have never had a day without great responsibility, caregiving, and intense house and financial pressures. 

Later in the day, while putting the laundry away, I noticed an SUV pull up on my street and dropped two young people off. They weren't purposefully visiting someone, they were literally standing in the middle of the street for five minutes. This caught my attention, as we live in a world now, when safety and security are of utmost importance. I watched these two people go door to door to my neighbors. So I texted my neighbors inquiring who these people are and what did they want! Thankfully my neighbors understand my desire to be in the know and how I take our community's safety seriously! These two were apparently selling windows, and fortunate for them they did not come to my door. However, they saw me watching them and I photographed them too!  

Tuesday, February 17, 2026

Tuesday, February 17, 2026 -- Mattie died 833 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2009. What was going on here? Well Mattie was having a physical therapy session! In typical Mattie fashion, he wasn't going to do something we did not try first. So me and Anna (his physical therapist) got down on the floor to play Twister. Mattie was calling out the moves and once he observed the process and how we managed this, he was then willing to give it a try! But he did not do it alone. 

Whatever Mattie did, I always joined him. We were a team and I was committed to every aspect of his cancer journey. 

Quote of the day: The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

Yesterday I mentioned the Lost Screen Memorial and the impact of social media on mental health. Today, I came across an article entitled, Inside Open AI Leaders' Decision to Take Down A Beloved AI Model. Honestly we live in a world that I do not understand most days and I think technology is a big contributor to a great deal of problems we face as a society. Certainly technology can be beneficial, but when we have the need to turn to technology for emotional support, this is where a red flag goes up in my head. I don't mean turning to your phone to call, email, or text a LIVE human being. I mean turning to a chatbot for advice, input, and guidance. It almost seems like something out of a sci-fi book, however, it is our 21st century reality. A reality that also charges you for access to these chatbot services!

There are many chatbot users who claim that these interactions have saved their lives. That of course is the positive side of usage, however, there are a host of victims to this technology as well. In fact, doctors claim they have seen links between chatbot usage and the development of psychotic delusions and there is a lawsuit in California regarding users who killed themselves, attempted suicide, suffered mental breaks or, in at least one case, killed another person. It is alleged that these chatbot models give priority to user engagement and prolonged interactions over safety, which is similar to the debate on social-media sites which are accused of pushing users into echo-chambers of their own views and rabbit holes of disturbing content.

Never using a chatbot, I truly can't comment on the entire experience. But I guess when it comes to emotional issues, I am not likely to turn to a device. Especially when I know the device doesn't know me, doesn't know my situation, has no concept of my history and certainly it can't be impartial! So it intrigues me that someone would use this method, especially during a crisis. I see the dangers in this, as it is like seeking therapy from an unlicensed professional, with little oversight or regulation. 

But what this says to me is people are turning to these options because we as a society have stopped listening. We have stopped talking, we have stopped connecting, and we have prioritized things, tasks, and jobs over human interactions. This should make us all pause, because at the end of the day, intentional care, compassion, and support for our family and friends in our lives should be our priority, our goal. 

More valentine's day surprises in the mail today! I am grateful for every gift and card, that are reminders that I am worthy of love, respect, and commitment. 

Monday, February 16, 2026

Monday, February 16, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2009. Mattie's kindergarten classes put together Valentine's for him and also sent along this huge lollipop. As you can see, these items were a hit and though these cards may seem like little things, I have found that it is the little things in life that are really the most important and memorable. 

Quote of the day: If love could have kept our children alive, they would all still be here. ~ Lost Screen Memorial

For the past week, I have been hearing about this landmark trial happening in Los Angeles that is bringing attention to the role of social media in the lives on young children. Check out this article, Social media 'addicting the brains of children,' plaintiff's lawyer argues in landmark trial. Countless families have lost their children to suicide, which they feel is the result of their children being addicted to social media. An addiction which is suggested to be caused by social media companies who purposefully design algorithms to lure these young and impressionable minds onto their sites. In fact the analogy is that social media is like a drug and the media companies are the drug pushers. Needless to say the outcome of this trial could impact how social media handles children using their platforms in the future.

Mattie died at the age of 7, so I never had to face the social media challenge with him. Nonetheless, I can see society as a whole is attached to their cell phones and they are constantly posting every move on social media. I know after Mattie died, and as I am facing my continual grief and trauma, I had to remove myself from social media. Why? Because social media is not real. Instead, people post about all sorts of things to get likes and attention and in the process it is very easy to get sad, down, depressed, or upset that your own life doesn't look like the ones posted on our screens. I have the wherewithal to remove myself, but I would not have such skills and abilities as a child. 

Along with the trial, parents who have lost their children to social media usage created the Lost Screen Memorial. I encourage you to check out this moving website that features the beautiful faces of children who were taken too soon. It is heartbreaking reading each and every story, because you can see each of these children had a talent, skill, and spark. Yet our world will never know what they could have contributed to our greater good. Certainly how these parents lost their children is very different from how I lost Mattie, yet I can absolutely appreciate the horror, pain, and anger they are feeling. This creative memorial features the photos of children, as they appear on their parent's cell phone lock screens. The stories highlight depression, body image, and things like the choking challenge which children learned about on social media.  

Check out this two minute news video on the issue:

Switching topics, a have a Canadian Goose on my front lawn. She has been there ALL DAY today. She can walk and move around and is not injured. But she is being very territorial in my front yard. I tried calling animal welfare groups and animal control. NO ONE will help me! Geese are Federally protected and if she was injured multiple groups would assist me, but since there is nothing wrong with her, she is my problem. 

A lone goose is unusual, as these animals tend to stay in groups. Typically a lone goose is grieving the loss of a partner, tending to a nest, guarding an injured mate, or is young/unmated. Needless to say, I now have added a goose to my daily check list! 

Sunday, February 15, 2026

Sunday, February 15, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2009. It was Valentine's Day! All the things in front of us were things that Mattie created for me. I literally received a box of handmade surprises and Mattie was so proud of his accomplishments. I was deeply touched by his efforts. Mattie and his art therapists worked on these things for at least two hours and while they were working I was not allowed in the child life playroom. I can't tell you what a blessing this playroom was for us because it was in this room Mattie could be a kid, not a kid with cancer. NO TREATMENTS, PROCEDURES, or medicines were allowed in this room, so in essence it was like a safe space that provided a bit of normality. 

Quote of the day: When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~ Viktor Frankl

I was so tired last night that I fell asleep with the TV on all night and I was in the same position that I went to bed in.... which was propped upright. The only reason I opened my eyes at 7am, was because Indie was throwing her entire body against my bedroom door. She wanted IN and she wanted breakfast. It was actually fortune that I got up early because I quickly could see that I wasn't feeling well. I have been struggling with a sinus infection for three weeks now. I finished my course of antibiotics on Friday, and on Saturday I started right back to feeling congested, with intense head pain, a horrific sore throat, a post nasal drip that is so bad I feel like I am drowning from the inside out, and today's new addition was terrible ear and tooth pain. 

After contending with Indie, I called my doctor's office and left a message. The on call doctor called me back within thirty minutes. She did not want to prescribe me anymore antibiotics, and instead insisted that I be evaluated by a medical provider. Of course my doctor's office is closed until Tuesday. So she recommended that I go to an urgent care that is connected with my doctor's office. Which was a good idea, because this enabled the urgent care to have access to all of my medical records. I debated what to do, meaning do I address this today or wait? I made the executive decision that I had to take care of myself first today. So I booked an appointment at noon, which gave me time to get my dad showered, dressed, downstairs for breakfast, and then I could have him rest in his recliner until I returned. Understand that I take my parents out to brunch every Sunday, so I had a window of 90 minutes to get evaluated and figure out next steps. 

I found my way to the urgent care and got checked in. There had to be some sort of medical emergency going on there, because I waited for over 45 minutes to see the physician's assistant. Shane was absolutely lovely! He said my throat looked like a raging river of fluid! Thankfully I do not have an ear infection, but instead have sinusitis, which explains the intense pain and blocked Eustachian tubes. I am back on decongestants, steroid sprays, and Advil around the clock. At this point I don't know what feels more debilitating..... the congestion or the pain from the congestion.  

The timing worked out as I came home and took my parents out for brunch. It was a rainy damp day and typically I don't like the rain, but I was thrilled it washed away all the salt and debris on my car. When I got home, I literally toweled off the car, vacuumed inside and removed all the salt debris from the snow storm off the inside and outside of my car. Why was I compelled to do this? Well besides being consumed by cleanliness, my mom told me yesterday that the car was a mess. My response to her yesterday was..... there is only one of me and countless tasks I juggle in any given day. Somehow I view today's rain as a gift from God, because cleaning off a car after it has been rained on is so much easier. 

Saturday, February 14, 2026

Saturday, February 14, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2009. I will never forget this moment in time. That day, Mattie and his art therapists gathering in the child life playroom together. I wasn't allowed inside, because Mattie was working on a project. Little did I know that the project was a box filled with Valentine's for me, along with this wonderful crown of hearts. When I was invited inside the room, Mattie presented me with all this creations and Jenny (Mattie's art therapist) snapped this photo of us together. This happens to be one of my favorite photos of us together, because it captures exactly what Mattie used to do with me.... touch noses, he would look deeply into my eyes and then flutter his eye lashes.... for butterfly kisses! This seemed like the perfect photo to display on Valentine's Day. A remind of my true love. 

Mattie's box filled with Valentine's Creations! 

When we moved into this house in 2021, I took the above box and all its contents and cut them to create this shadow box. This box is on display in my office and it is a reminder of Valentine's 2009. A day I will NEVER forget. 

Quote of the day: In college, I had a course in Latin, and one day the word 'divorce' came up. I always figured it came from some root that meant 'divide.' In truth, it comes from 'divertere,' which means 'to divert.' I believe that. All divorce does is divert you. ~ Mitch Albom

A box arrived at my door and when I opened it, I found this lovely travel cup which reads... 

Difference Maker

A dedicated individual who can make a big impact even with just a small action or few words. Someone who makes a difference in the lives of others. 

A beautiful gift on what I deem a hard day. I think I will always view Valentine's Day as a day of sadness, as it reminds me of the dissolution of my marriage. A commitment that I thought was "always and forever" (ironically this is engraved on my wedding band.... which I still wear). 

I took my parents out for lunch today and the restaurant was filled with families, couples, and women celebrating their friendships. As I watched couples taking photos of each other together, it was like seeing my life flashing before my eyes. After all, I looked just like these couples at one time.... yet here I am, alone. These moments always make me pause, because like so many women, I was married and a had a child. However, unlike many women, my child died from cancer and my marriage ended. Neither did I choose, instead I am faced with a constant feeling of the loss of control, a constant downward spiral of grief and loss, and most of all a reminder of how different I am. 

But even with all of these many tailspins, I can also appreciate a day in which I am healthy, in which my parents are stable, in which I can pay a bill and not worry how I will make ends meet this month, and I can celebrate the fact that I have the wherewithal, skills, and abilities to manage my parents care and be able to take them out for Valentine's day. I have learned through countless bouts of trauma and loss that life is about acknowledging the small things, as it is the small things that actually matter. 

To my faithful blog readers, please know you are loved and appreciated. I thank you for always checking in.... you are a special Valentine's gift to me. 

Friday, February 13, 2026

Friday, February 13, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2008. It was five months before Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. That weekend we took him to Roosevelt Island. A place we loved to explore on weekends, regardless of the season. I always packed leftover bread for Mattie to feed the ducks! An activity he loved, and I loved watching him interact with nature. These are memories I will never forget. 

Quote of the day: There is no disguise which can hide love for long where it exists, or simulate it where it does not. ~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld

This morning, I was upstairs and about to get my dad out of bed, when I heard the doorbell ring. I stopped the process and went downstairs. I could see something wrapped in cellophane outside the door. I opened the door and waved and thanked the courier. 

My friend Carolyn surprised me with these goodies. One of the things she mentioned in her note to me was her acknowledgment of my "steady way" that I "show up." This meant a lot to me because given all I am juggling, it is sometimes hard to be the kind of friend I typically used to be. Honestly some days it is hard to remember the person I was prior to being weighed down by grief, trauma, divorce, and caregiving. 

My dad's nurse visited today and discharged him from her services, as all his pressure sores are now healed. That alone is another full time job. Though I haven't mentioned it.... my dad's hiccups are back! They started up again this week. Truly my mom and I may absolutely lose it. 

After dropping my dad off at his memory care program, I went grocery shopping. Seriously I walked in the door and was faced with balloons, flowers, and chocolate covered strawberries. I remember this from last year, so you would think I would have prepared myself for this sight today! NOPE, I completely blocked it out, until I walked in the door. What does every balloon and flower say to me...... you are divorced. After a 35 year relationship, you are alone, and frankly it is a reminder that the best years of my life are gone.

This afternoon, I received a phone call from my parents' doctor. He wanted to talk to me about my dad's blood test results. I saw all the results in the portal yesterday, so nothing he was telling me was all that surprising. Other than my dad's white blood cell count continues to remain high. The doctor seemed to think that this count was lower last year, but to my knowledge it has been high since his bout with kidney stones in 2024 (mind you he still has several kidney stones now). The doctor got me so worked up suggesting that my dad may have some sort of cancer, that I literally went back into the portal to pull up data and I sent it to the doctor. Though the doctor says that my dad's white blood cell count is too high for it to be explained by his kidney stones, I don't buy that! NOT ONE BIT. Either case, at 90 years old, we are not putting my dad through further testing, and though his sugar levels seems out of control, along with his cholesterol levels, we aren't introducing more medications to these problems. As every new medication has a way of causing ten other problems. 

While my mom was hearing this conversation, she later said to me that medicine is great at prolonging life, but not the quality of life. I stopped her, because from my dad's perspective, his quality of life is actually good. Here is a 90 year old who leaves the house daily, he is involved in activities, does physical therapy, goes out to eat, is surrounded by family, and is still mobile. Naturally, I have to acknowledge that the only reason his quality of life is so high is because of me. This is not an attagirl to Vicki, but the reality, as without my presence my dad would most definitely be in a nursing home, and would have no quality of life.

Thursday, February 12, 2026

Thursday, February 12, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2006. How could this be 20 years ago??? Back then anything seemed possible! What I love about this photo was the sheer joy and happiness on Mattie's face. I did not ask him to pose this way, it was how he felt at that time. We were together, playing, and building with Legos! Truly it didn't get better than that, and sadly as a parent of a preschooler, you don't always register how special these moment are, nor do you have the clarity and appreciation that having a healthy child is the greatest gift in life. Mattie's cancer diagnosis and death, gave me clarity for a lifetime. 

Quote of the day: To all the mothers out there who feel overlooked, overworked, unappreciated and under-honored…At some point, every mother has felt this way. Because, given everything that mothers do — and often with no one around — it would actually be impossible to truly honor them in a way that measures up to what they give. So even though you may not get anywhere near the outward acknowledgment you deserve…please don’t underestimate the positive impact you have on those you love. ~ James Van Der Beek

My parents had their annual physicals today at 11am. Thankfully I had the wherewithal to put Mattie's wheelchair in the trunk. I frankly did not think my dad could walk from the parking lot of the hospital to the doctor's office. I was correct! But what I wasn't expecting was the fact that the doctor would be unable to take blood from my dad, and therefore that meant we had to go to the hospital outpatient lab for a blood draw. My dad has rolling veins, which really means that it takes a well trained individual to start an IV or do a blood draw on him. Rather problematic in an emergency! For an abled bodied person, jumping from one building on the hospital campus to another would be NO BIG DEAL. But for my dad, forget it, it is equivalent to running a marathon. I would never have been able to get him to the outpatient lab without the wheelchair. 

Whenever I use Mattie's wheelchair, I naturally remember all our times together using that chair. It is surreal that now 17 years later, I am using Mattie's chair for my dad. As odd as this may sound, I view this as a sign that Mattie is looking out for me! My mom gets nervous with any sort of needle, but the outpatient lab at the hospital is fantastic. Every phlebotomist there is excellent, very kind, and they brought us to one room, so that I could assist both of my parents. 

When I evaluate the love, attention, and time that I devote to my parents, it makes me pause. You may think that I am only this focused and devoted with my parents! But the answer is NO (if in doubt, read the blog from 2008-2009, when I cared for Mattie)! If I love you, feel close to you, and I am committed to you..... then this is who I am! There is nothing I wouldn't do for you, even if it means compromising myself. I remember one of my friends from Mattie's preschool, used to say.... when I think of Dear Vicki, I just go ahhhh ahhhh.... her kindness, devotion, and love define her. I will never forget this beautiful comment. I mention this because when you get divorced, it is natural to have self doubts, or blame yourself for the divorce. However, that feeling doesn't last long with me, because I am still in touch with reality and have a solid understanding for who I am and what defines me.  

Changing the subject, I was listening to the radio this morning and the commentator was talking about the death of James Van Der Beek. I have to admit I did not know who he was other than an actor. What caught my attention was one of his quotes that he shared with his family and friends. Keep in mind that he died of colorectal cancer, and frankly I can't think of anything that levels the playing field other than cancer. Cancer has a way of providing instant clarity to the meaning, purpose, and priorities in life. Here is what he said that stopped me in my tracks.....

“…I had to look my own mortality in the eye [and] I was faced with the question, ‘If I am just a too-skinny, weak guy alone in an apartment with cancer, what am I?’ And I meditated and the answer came through: I am worthy of God’s love simply because I exist. And if I’m worthy of God’s love, shouldn’t I also be worthy of my own? And the same is true for you.” ~ March 8, 2025

I think what is so poignant about this quote is we all ask ourselves at some point.... what am I? Why am I here? As I read this quote, I put myself in his shoes and can feel his desperation, his isolation, and his fear. After all, he was away from his family getting treatment, he was unable to work and support his family, and in a way he was feeling like he was letting his kids and wife down. When feeling these depths of despair, it is hard to pull one's self up, and yet he found himself turning to a higher power.... God's love.... and this provided him hope to hold on to and to understand (what I say are the four most powerful words in the English language)..... YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Wednesday, February 11, 2026

Wednesday, February 11, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old. That day we took him to the Children's Museum in Washington, DC. It was our first and last trip to that Museum. That said, we made the best out of the trip, as there were many hands on activities that Mattie loved.... a big sand box, and vehicles for him to climb up and into, such as a fire truck, and even a motorcycle. Life with Mattie was never boring and seeing the world through his eyes made life worth living. 

Quote of the day: Stab the body and it heals, but injure the heart and the wound lasts a lifetime. ~ Mineko Iwasaki

This morning, after getting my dad off to his memory care center, and I situated my mom in the kitchen to have her breakfast, I hopped on a weekly conference call. I have the good fortune to be mentoring Mattie's best preschool buddy, Zachary, on his non-profit college project. Zachary and I are working on story boards for the Foundation, but after chatting about this we then talked about the Foundation and how psychosocial care and support became the focal point of Mattie Miracle's mission. Actually Zachary asked very poignant questions and honestly as I responded to his questions, all I could say to myself was.... WOW...... in 17 years, we have accomplished a lot! A lot on a shoe string budget! 

One of the questions Zachary asked me was whether I had non-profit experience prior to starting Mattie Miracle?! Here's the funny part to all of this..... it is sometimes hard for me to think about my life prior to Mattie's cancer diagnosis and death. Why? I think because it is almost like there is a pre-cancer Vicki and a post-cancer Vicki. The pre-cancer Vicki seems like a completely different person! I had such high hopes for Mattie, I had big plans for my life, career, and our family! These plans came to a crashing halt on cancer diagnosis day. So when Zachary asked me this question, I literally had to pause! I had to think..... what was my life like, and what did my professional experiences entail? 

Short answer is YES I had a ton of non-profit experience before Mattie got cancer. Did you know that I was the:

• President and then Executive Director of the DC Mental Health Counselors Association
• President of the DC Counseling Association
• Advocacy Committee Chair of the American Counseling Association
• Awards Committee Chair of the American Mental Health Counselors Association
• President of the American Mental Health Counselors Association (a professional organization of over 6,000 members)

There are many commonalities in non-profit board work, no matter how big or small the non-profit. Since board work is typically unpaid, you will find across the board that the work is typically performed by one or two dedicated people. This isn't a commentary on the cause, it isn't a commentary on the people, it is just a natural commentary on human nature! Knowing this prepared me well for Mattie Miracle, after all I know that NO ONE is going to be as passionate about the Foundation as Mattie's own mom!!!!

But when I listed our accomplishments to Zachary, it left both of us amazed. Naturally for Zachary, I explained them in more detail, but here's the summary (and there is much more that I am not listing)....

1. We have funded a child life professional since 2011. In fact, we have funded 7 different positions. This person assists 1,500 children with cancer a year. To date, we have contributed over $400,000 to this child life fund. 
2. We run five Snack and Item Carts. These Carts offer free snacks, drinks, and toiletries to families caring for children with cancer. Our Carts serve 2,500 families a year.
3. We offer M&M Wishes to children with cancer. Wishes provide funding for an item, activity or family trip. To date, we have funded over $71,000 worth of Wishes to children in 24 States. 
4. We award therapy support grants to children with cancer, so they can access mental health services in the community. To date we have awarded over $22,000 in therapy support to children in 13 States.
5. We had the vision to create national Psychosocial Standards of Care, because unlike medical care, there was no standard for emotional and social support in hospitals for children with cancer. It was very hospital dependent.... some provide more support than others, mainly because of private philanthropy. We assembled top psychosocial leaders in the field and after three years, paid for the publication of evidence based Standards in a top tier medical journal. 
6. The Standards have been endorsed by 19 national professional organizations and are being implemented in treatment sites around the country. In many cases, we have helped to justify the hiring of more psychologists at hospitals, who need these professionals to help implement the Standards of care. So in essence we have changed the landscape of comprehensive cancer care. Prior to our advocacy work on Capitol Hill, NO ONE was taking about psychosocial care for children with cancer. We changed that!
7. To date, we have awarded over $200,000 in innovative research grants. Grants designed to implement the Standards of Care. Each of these grants have produced publishable research, in which Mattie Miracle was noted as the funder. In some cases, our grants helped researchers obtain pilot data in order to apply for larger NIH grants. Without our grants, such pilot data would not be obtainable!

Look what surprised me at my doorstep today! Cheesecake and chocolates! How can you not smile seeing these goodies. My friend Cheryl, who is connected to me through my former marriage, sent these treats to us. Though we have never physically met one another, she is one of the people who has been a constant source of support throughout my grief journey with Mattie and especially during the last two years of my divorce. On days I wanted to throw myself out of the window, Cheryl would say something that enabled me to pause and take a deep breath. There are no words for that kind of support. As I always say.... you learn about the strength, passion, and commitment of a person when you are in a crisis. 

This is my third Valentine's Day that is approaching in which I am alone. I wish I could say each year, it gets easier. It doesn't! Perhaps it would have been easier, if I was a different kind of person. A person who didn't love, trust, commit, and care deeply. All I can say is my life has been profoundly altered yet again, and just like there is a pre-cancer Vicki, a post-cancer Vicki, there is now a third Vicki..... a divorced and shattered Vicki. 

Tuesday, February 10, 2026

Tuesday, February 10, 2026 -- Mattie died 832 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2006. Mattie was almost four years old. That afternoon, we were working on creating homemade Valentine's cards for all of his preschool classmates and teachers. Could I have bought Valentine's..... sure! But since Mattie loved to create, like me, I decided that we should try to make them together. Mattie got into it and we enjoyed the process together. Did I ever do this before? NOPE! There were many firsts I did with Mattie. In a way it was like having a second childhood, filled with fun, adventures, and certainly there were challenges, but there was a whole lot of love. 

The final products!

Quote of the day: Love is not maximum emotion. Love is maximum commitment. ~ Sinclair Ferguson

I am on day four of antibiotics. I was doing quite well, but today, I don't feel right. I am back to being congested and exhausted. Of course, I had to put that feeling on the shelf, because my dad had a cardiology appointment at 11am. That time may sound like a doable hour, but I can't tell you all that I have to do to get out of the house by 10:30am, to get this 11am appointment. Seriously by that time, I felt like I went ten rounds. 

I am so fortunate that the cardiology office wants to actively follow my dad. In fact, on Saturday, I pushed them data from my dad's pacemaker, because we were concerned by his elevated heart rate. While he was participating in his physical therapy session on Saturday, he was gasping for air, breathing very hard, and we literally stopped the session and then monitored him for thirty minutes. His heart rate spanned 61 beats per minute to 134 beats per minute in a short time period! The therapist was very concerned by what she was seeing and it was at that point that I used the pacemaker app on my phone and pushed data in real time to the clinic! 

Today's visit reviewed that data, my dad got an EKG, and we discussed various issues he is facing. I saw this nurse six weeks ago. From the last time she saw us, my dad was hospitalized again. This time for norovirus. In six weeks, my dad has lost 9 pounds and the nurse believes between being dehydrated from the norovirus and being inactive in the hospital, this could explain his high heart rate with any activity. She changed up his medications and will be seeing us in two weeks. 

While sitting and talking to Lanna, the nurse, I could feel myself fighting back tears. Not for any particular reason other than sheer exhaustion, being overwhelmed, managing the impossible alone, and knowing that I face a future alone, without my other half. Something I will never accept and come to terms with. Lanna has no idea about the tragedy that is my life, she is only aware of the patient in front of her whom I care for and manage. However, for her, that is more than enough.... as she is very aware of the multiple hospitalizations and the round of clock care I provide my dad, NOT to mention my mom as well. 

Honestly other than this appointment, and taking my parents out today for frozen yogurt, I couldn't manage much else. I am tired, strung out, and when I allow the window to open (which I rarely allow) into the bleak trajectory of my future, I  become paralyzed with emotion. Which is where I am at today.