Tuesday, November 18, 2025

Tuesday, November 18, 2025 -- Mattie died 821 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. Mattie was five years old. That day we took him to Roosevelt Island, a typical weekend activity. We visited the Island during every season. It was so close to home and yet as soon as you crossed over the foot bridge to enter the Island, you felt like you were transported to a more peaceful, natural, and idyllic spot. Yet this national park is right in the heart of the city. On the Island Mattie loved collecting leaves, branches, stones, seeing all the wildlife, feeding the ducks, using his remote controlled boats in the river, climbing rocks, and of course walking the trails. It is hard to believe that this was what my life USED to look like!

Quote of the day: I feel like my life is made up of tiny puzzle parts that no longer fit together. Imagine working on a puzzle only to find that the final picture can never be complete because one of its pieces is missing. This is exactly what's happened to my life; it has become impossible to put it back together. ~ Zeina Kassem

I started my morning with several phone calls. I wanted to address my latest health insurance issue before I woke my dad up. Once my dad and mom are downstairs, I am constantly juggling caregiving demands and therefore can't concentrate or focus. After paying out of pocket to see my eye doctor yesterday, I was thoroughly annoyed. Why have health insurance, if I have to pay 100% out of pocket? I have been going to this doctor for four years now and never had a problem. But when I got divorced my health plan changed and now they won't accept my new plan. Needless to say, all of this did not sit well with me. After making several calls, I finally received the phone number for the financial and business office that oversees my doctor's practice. I spoke to Denise today for thirty minutes. I walked her through the entire ordeal yesterday and she was as confused as I was as to why I had to pay out of pocket. While talking to Denise, she was messaging others to consult with them on my issue. Needless to say, they are looking into it and she promises to call me. We shall see. 

My car saga continues. Apparently I need a completely new radio module and they are in the process of ordering that! So I will be without my car all week, and thankfully my mom brought her car from Los Angeles to Virginia, so at least we can get around, as I can't imagine how I would manage my parent's needs without a car.  

It was a circus show today. My dad's physical therapist was here. He has multiple therapists, but this particular therapist takes him outside for part of his sessions, regardless of the weather. However, in order for them to have a session outside, I have to remove all the branches, leaves and debris from my stone patio. When I went outside to do this, I saw that several of my outdoor string lights, which are made of glass, broke from the intense winds. So I had a big clean up before the therapist arrived. In addition to the therapist, my dad was visited by two nurses. When the nurse supervisor entered my home today for the first time, she was struck by the beautiful photos of Mattie that line my staircase. These photos were given to me years ago as a Mother's Day gift. They mean a lot to me. Most people who see these photos know Mattie and my story. Naturally this nurse did not! But rest assured she learned it today! 

Why am I mentioning this? I am mentioning this because even though Mattie has been gone 16 years, the loss is very real, very life altering, and still very fresh in my mind. The death of a 7 year old is just NOT natural, there is no rationalization to it, and NO platitude will do! Mattie is not in a better place, he did not live a long and full life...... well you get my point! Child loss is forever and what I love about these photos is that they are positioned to watch over us and serve as a reminder that the seven years I had with Mattie were very real. However what this collage of photos doesn't illustrate to you, but I know within my mind and heart, is that life as I knew it ended when Mattie died and this loss has been further compounded with my divorce. 

Monday, November 17, 2025

Monday, November 17, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old and he was pictured with one of his favorite puzzles! In fact, besides vehicles and building materials, Mattie LOVED puzzles. I remember when he was in the hospital at age 6, he was doing 1000 piece puzzles with me. He had the patience to work through the pieces, and we would do a bit at a time each day. It is hard to believe that Mattie would be 23 years old if he were alive today  and that he has been gone far more years than he was alive. A very sobering reality. 

Quote of the day: Do our dreams carry messages from the great beyond, sent by the people we have lost, or are they a reflection of our desperation and wishful thinking? ~ Zeina Kassem

This morning was another juggling act. As I had to get my dad to his memory care center, I had to make sure my mom was ready for her physical therapy session, and I had to get to my own ophthalmology appointment. Somehow I made it work and was even able to run chores in the process. I have become the ultimate multi-tasker. I have no idea what a slow day looks like, as I haven't had one for four years!

I started seeing this eye doctor when I moved into my house in 2021. So in essence he has been following my eye condition for 4 years. My previous doctor wanted to do surgery on my eyes, and given that I had little trust in his perspective, I changed practices. When I checked into the office today, they proceeded to tell me that they no longer accept my health insurance. I did not get it because I have the same insurer as when I was married, I just have changed plans. It is a good plan that all of my other providers accept! Yet this receptionist kept at it with me and said that I have Medicaid and therefore, their practice doesn't accept it. Keep in mind that I do not have Medicaid. I thought she handled this whole situation very poorly and frankly she should not have had such an open conversation about my insurance in the middle of the waiting room. 

When I finally saw the doctor, I explained what had transpired and he apologized for his receptionist, wanted to know what insurance I had and said that he would discount today's appointment, since I had to pay out of pocket. Any case, none of this sat well with me today, since I pay monthly for health insurance. So eventually when I got home, I called my insurer. I walked them through everything that happened and my insurer said the receptionist gave me incorrect information! Today's appointment wasn't covered because of my insurance plan, it wasn't covered because the doctor's office has not activated their contract with my health insurer. By the time I found out this information, the doctor's office was closed. But just wait until tomorrow, as I do not do well with incorrect information, or when I am blamed for an issue that is out of my control! I waste more time fighting health insurance claims, not just for me but for all three of us. That alone is exhausting. 

Meanwhile my car went in for service today because it is having electrical issues! My service provider called me to let me know that they can see the problem I am reporting, but they have NO IDEA how to solve it! So I have been asked to give them more time. Instills confidence, no?!

I end tonight's posting with these flowers. My friend Carolyn came over tonight to pick up a bundle of Foundation items that she is delivering tomorrow to one of the hospitals we support. Carolyn has been part of my Mattie journey from the beginning as our children went to preschool together. For years, Carolyn has brought me flowers... flowers that always include Mattie Miracle colors and sunflowers! I can't tell you how much these flowers mean to me, because as holidays approach, it hits me deeply about all my losses. 

Sunday, November 16, 2025

Sunday, November 16, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old and we took him to a Fall Festival. In fact, that was the year that our Fall tradition weekend began! Since Mattie loved being outside, I figured it was worth a try going to these events. It turned out to be a big hit. As you can see, I was introducing Mattie to a slide. Mattie was a naturally cautious child, so the notion of going down this smooth and steep surface was not up his alley. But of course with time and age, Mattie grew to love slides and I quickly learned he LOVED motion and movement. A total opposite to me! 

Quote of the day: Every ray of sunshine, every drop of rain, every tear that falls, you are with me for I carry you in my heart forever. ~ Heather Wolf

I was listening to the radio this morning and heard them talking about a typewriter orchestra! I am not sure why I found that abundantly hysterical, but I did! I remember when I went to college, I had an electric typewriter in tow! This was pre-internet, and frankly in some ways, the world was simpler and easier! But today's generation.... what do they know about the typewriter? 

Think about life with a typewriter. You couldn't just write something! It had to be intentional, because you couldn't move paragraphs around, there was no spell check, or even an automatic correction of your grammar. So how did we do it? Well if you were like me, you composed your thoughts on paper first! Pens and pads of paper or notebooks were commonplace! Now they have been replaced with electronics. 

Any case, the notion of a typewriter orchestra, seems to harken back to a different time. If you know me by now, you know if I hear about something and it interests me, I am going to read up about it. So here's what they say about the Boston Typewriter Orchestra:

One night in 2004, Boston-area artist Tim Devin was presented with the gift of a child's typewriter at a bar. His typing eventually annoyed the waitress who asked him to stop, whereupon he responded "It's OK, ma'am. I'm the conductor of the Boston Typewriter Orchestra." Thinking there was something to the idea, he assembled a group of interested performers on the night of October 20, 2004 in Somerville, Massachusetts.

An office setting was quickly decided upon as an overarching theme for live performances. The members (usually numbering between four and eight people) perform wearing white shirts and neckties, engage in typical workplace banter and write office-themed lyrics to satirical or comedic effect. The typewriters are utilized in a rhythmic fashion while melodic elements are supplied by the vocalists. The group uses several varieties of manual typewriters from such manufacturers as Underwood, Smith Corona, Hermes, Remington and Royal.

The Boston Typewriter Orchestra began performing at house parties, eventually expanding venues to clubs, arts festivals, and museums. Local and national media appearances soon followed. The group appears in the documentary California Typewriter, and their song "Entropy Begins at the Office" has been used in promotional ads for the film The Post.

Check out this news clip of the group. Somehow watching this makes me smile and laugh! Who would think of the rhythmic sounds of the typewriter, but I appreciate when people use objects around them in novel ways, to think creatively and to remind us that music is really all around us. We just need to be able to stop and absorb it! 

The Typewriter Orchestra is featured in the 2017 documentary entitled California Typewriter!

Check out the trailer. It is a reminder that the typewriter is "an affectionate, nostalgic love letter to the typed word from enthusiasts and experts alike.":

https://californiatypewritermovie.com/

Saturday, November 15, 2025

Saturday, November 15, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2002. Mattie was six months old in this photo and was developing muscular strength in his back and neck. Yet I still propped him up with pillows, because at times, he would lean and flop right over. When I look at this photo it reminds me that as a baby Mattie did not look like me! It is remarkable the transformation because by the time he was a preschooler, Mattie was the spitting image of me. 

Quote of the day: Can you miss something before it's gone? …I think so. The anticipation of the loss hurts nearly as much as the loss itself. You find yourself trying to hold onto every detail, because you'll never have them again. ~ Emily Lloyd-Jones

While my dad's physical therapist was here today, I spent the time outside. In fact, I spent hours outside today. I was focused on trimming the crape myrtles. I have seven of them on my property and don't you know it, each one is infected with bark scale. You can tell because the bark is black in color, rather than the pretty sandy cocoa color! In addition, I can see little white spots all over the place, which are the insects. I have now learned that these trees need to be treated twice a year to remove this bark scale. 

Why did I cut the spindly branches off the crape myrtle? Because it keeps the tree from growing bigger and taking over the space. So I prune it every fall. 

I also have crape myrtles on each side of my front yard. This particular one was moved to this location soon after we moved in! Before it was right in the middle of the front yard and its position made no sense. Besides this tree being infected, it also grows wispy spindles and it needed to be shaped. I had to get out a taller ladder and went at it. 

On an aside, do you see that electrical transformer box behind my tree? For my loyal blog readers, you know that I advocated with the electric company to have this box placed in this location in February of 2025. With work going on in my neighborhood, a new transformer had to be installed. Originally it was going to be installed in my front yard. I am so thankful that I went outside to see what was going on and when I did I went ballistic! I wasn't going to let this issue go because this box is larger than me and would have been a total eye sore. 

I have three crape myrtles lining my driveway. I did not lop them off, but instead pruned and shaped them because  I am fine if they grow big and tall in this location. 

Later today I then decided to wash my mom's car and my own. Both were a mess and needed to be vacuumed out. My car goes in for service on Monday, as it is having electrical issues, and therefore I will need to drive my mom's car. Her car was covered in leaves and debris and I literally couldn't see out the windows. All I know is maintaining this house and everything in and around it is a full-time job. There is NOT one day when I am not doing some sort of chore. But given that the weather was decent today, I made the most out of being outside and for me staying busy is the key to survival. 

Friday, November 14, 2025

Friday, November 14, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that day we walked down to the National Mall to watch the Veteran's Day parade. This was the first and last time we ever experienced this parade together. Mattie typically did not like crowds or loud noises, but since it was so simple for us to walk a few blocks from our home to attend, I am glad we tried it with him. I experienced many wonderful adventures with my Mattie Brown!

Quote of the day: But not remembering him didn't stop me from missing him. I knew what it was like to have that absence in my life. ~ Leslie North

On Friday's my dad's visiting nurse comes to our home to assess his pressure sore. I have been dealing with this sore for weeks. As of next week, we are getting discharged from her services, because insurance deems he no longer needs to be followed medically. That maybe the case, but that doesn't mean his condition is cleared up and with my dad's skin, if I am not vigilant, this sore could easily reform. I truly wonder how other caregivers manage all this stuff alone. Fortunately I am no stranger to wound care, but to me it is simply frustrating. The system truly doesn't benefit the patient, and forget the caregiver. We are not even on the radar scope. Yet in all reality caregivers save health insurers LOTS of money with our unpaid services and devotion. 

Later this morning my good friend came over to visit. She brought all sorts of baked breads, which is something she used to do for me when Mattie was in the hospital. For the most part, I keep everyone in my life at a distance. Not because I do not value them, I do, but being around people who have more normal lives than my own sets me off, and it reminds me tenfold how different my existence is.... whether it be childhood cancer, child loss, a painful divorce, facing life and a future single, and 24/7 caregiving. So while I used to see this particular friend weekly and get together with other friends on a regular basis, I see NO ONE NOW. To me this is the number one telltale sign of someone who is traumatized. You turn inward, because of the incredible need to self protect.

I haven't walked my neighborhood since Sunny died (January 2024). I just don't have the desire! I enjoyed my walks with Sunny and miss his daily. But my friend got me out today and frankly I wasn't sure I could walk or even keep up with her. I held my own and we walked 5 miles together. In my heyday with Sunny, this was a typical daily walk! After our walk, we took my mom out for tea together. When I arrived at Starbuck's the general manager greeted me and literally said.... you look wonderful today. He knows I am a caregiver and looks out for me and my mom. I attribute his comment to the fact that I got fresh air and exercised, and probably had color in my face from all that activity. 

When I met with my doctor recently he asked me to go back to my walking routine. He is encouraging this not necessarily for my physical health, but for my mental health. He is aware of all the horrific things I have endured over the last few years and is concerned that all that has happened to me is getting bottled up inside, because I do not have the time to focus on myself or an outlet to channel all this anger, loss, and grief. Which is why he is telling me to walk. How do I feel after today's walk? Well I guess I will find out tomorrow, but at the moment, I can say that I still appreciate trees, greenery, and the natural beauty around me. All the wonderful things I learned to love while raising Mattie. 

Thursday, November 13, 2025

Thursday, November 13, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2003. Mattie was a year and a half old! Want to know what was going on in this photo? Mattie and I were dancing in the kitchen. I would put on music, pick him up, and we would move around the kitchen together. As you can see...... Mattie LOVED it! What a face, what a cutie, and what a huge loss in my life. 

Quote of the day: …the sad part is, that I will probably end up loving you without you for much longer than I loved you when I knew you. Some people might find that strange. But the truth of it is that the amount of love you feel for someone and the impact they have on you as a person, is in no way relative to the amount of time you have known them. ~ Ranata Suzuki

Today's date will always be a part of my life. It is a birthday which I have commemorated for 34 years. Not mine of course. When you get divorced, the divorce process and decree, do not always translate into how you feel. After all there is no how to book on how to remove long term memories and milestones from your mind and heart. So what am I to do on such a day? Some of you maybe reading this and saying.... she has got to be kidding! You should erase November 13, from your mind and move on and have a life. If it was that simple, I would have done that by now. 

How I chose to spend the day was by being VERY busy. I got up at 5:15am, because I had to get my morning routine complete before Steve and Ritchie arrived. They both help me maintain all the plants, trees, and vegetation on the property (On an aside, did you know Crape Myrtle trees can get infected? Well they can and all 7 of mine are a mess. They have bark scale --- which is an invasive insect pest that appears as white or gray, waxy spots on the bark and produces sticky honeydew, leading to black sooty mold on the tree and surrounding areas.). As winter is fast approaching, I am concerned about certain tree limbs and had to get my bubbler fountain secured for the winter, and sprinklers turned off. Steve even blew out all my hose lines from the outside, which was a first for me, and truly we are amazed these hose lines did not freeze in previous years. Given I have a lot to learn, I have no problem turning to these guys with questions and help! 

What Ritchie and Steve said to me today truly helped me, because when you become single after a long term marriage, you start doubting yourself and the world around you. Both of them said to me that I am a very unique, caring, loving, and thoughtful person. The deem me a special person who deserves to be treated with respect and kindness. I did not tell them the significance of today, but I most certainly appreciated knowing how people perceive me is in the way I try to live my life. 

After they left, my dad's physical therapist came for a session. During the session, I had to stop what I was doing to assist him in the bathroom twice. Once the session was over, I ran to the grocery store. While in the car, I realized it wasn't working correctly. The radio wouldn't turn on and the mirror sensors stopped working. Literally I was ready to lose it, as I can't have ONE DAY without some sort of problem, issue, and of course expense! Needless to say the car is going in next week. Not sure what I expect with a car that has 102,000 miles on it, but purchasing a car is not in the equation right now! Truly each day, I wake up wondering what else will happen to me today!

Today's highlight..... the shower curtain and bath mat that I ordered for the space came in! I think it's coming along and now I am focused on something for the wall! I think I missed my calling in life...... I love designing things and remaking spaces! 

Wednesday, November 12, 2025

Wednesday, November 12, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2002. Mattie was 7 months old. Though Mattie liked movement, he never crawled. In fact, Mattie truly did not like sitting on the floor and forget tummy time. Mattie disliked any sort of position that curbed his ability to move freely. Since he did not have the muscle strength while on his tummy, to turn over and sit up, this was frustrating for him. He and I did spend time sitting on the floor, playing with his toys, and as you can see I had pillows all around him because he did not have the muscle strength  at at time would topple over. It is hard to believe this was 23 years old, as I can remember it as if it were yesterday. 

Quote of the day: You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories. ~ Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

In order to juggle the day's event of taking my parents to see their rehabilitation physician, I needed to get myself up at 5:15am. Here's the funny part about all of this, before my parents moved in with us in 2021, I was NOT a morning person. I am not sure I am a morning person now, but I have no choice. Juggling all of this on my own means I have to think strategically. 

The doctor we visited today is a peach. He is originally from Brooklyn, NY and he has enough NY attitude to be able to manage my mom and the push back she sometimes gives him. I met this doctor in 2022, when my dad was admitted to the hospital for an emergency pacemaker placement. Because my dad was so debilitated after a week in the cardiac unit, he was unable to return home. They wanted to shuffle him off to a nursing home for rehab and I fought this tooth and nail. I networked my way throughout the hospital and realized the hospital has its own acute rehabilitation unit. It was in this unit that I met today's doctor. We have been connected to him since 2022, and I have my parents visit him every three months. He has been super helpful in securing in-home physical therapy for my parents throughout the year, and he was the only doctor who would help me with my dad's current pressure sore! 

No visit to this doctor's office is ever complete without him asking me how I am. As he has seen me during very stressful times with my dad's hospitalizations! Keep in mind that my dad had two hospitalizations this year alone! Any case, in our conversation today, he wanted some ideas about cooking meals. He apparently cooked eggplant for his wife, and it was a disaster. So we chatted through what exactly he did! On the way out, he said.... thank you for talking food with me. 

Because this is a rehab office, there are many patients there who have mobility issues, and of course their caregivers are in tow. I spoke to two of them today, and seriously going into this office is like entering another world. A world in which people want to converse, they want to help, and we all just understand each other based on the roles we play. In fact, one fellow in the office jumped up to help me with the doors as he could see I had my mom in one hand, a tote bag and cushion in the other, and I was providing supervision for my dad. He let me know that he is his mother-in-law's caregiver. To which my mom and I said.... we hope you love your mother-in-law. To which is reply was.... she's a great lady and it's an honor to assist her. How do we clone this fellow???! 

While driving around today, I saw a city bus advertising the Outer Banks, NC. What caught my attention about the ad were the beautiful wild horses portrayed on the side of the bus. Literally seeing the Outer Banks and the wild horses, transported me back in time. I can't tell you how many times we visited the Outer Banks, first as a couple, and then as a family with Mattie and my former in-laws. I took this photo of the wonderful wild horses in 2017. It seems like yesterday! A time when the world made more sense to me, as we had so many special trips together. For heaven's sake we grew up together. 

When I got home today, I jumped from one task and chore to the other and then at 6pm, had to stop in order to contend with dinner. When I get to the end of the day, I literally have to dig deep to muster the energy to cook, serve dinner, clean it up, and eventually get my parents to bed. Thursday is another 5:15am wake up as I have Steve, my outdoor guru, helping me shut down sprinklers, winterize my bubbler garden fountain, and replace broken lights. Each day, I hope for strength, stability, and a glimmer that life will get better. So far, I haven't seen it yet. 

Tuesday, November 11, 2025

Tuesday, November 11, 2025 -- Mattie died 820 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2003. Mattie was a year and a half old and we took him to a Fall Festival. This was a typically weekend occurrence in the Autumn months, as Mattie loved outdoor time and we had fun introducing him to pumpkins and the wonderful colors, foods, and activities of the season. I have to admit, if these types of festivals existed when I was a kid, I never went to one. When they say raising a child allows you the opportunity to be a kid again.... well it is true. But it is better, because you get to see the world through the beautiful and innocent eyes of your child.  

Quote of the day: I and the girl in the picture have ceased to be the same person. I am her outcome, the result of the life she once lived headlong; whereas she, if she can be said to exist at all, is composed only of what I remember. I have the better view - I can see her clearly, most of the time. But even if she knew enough to look, she can't see me at all. ~  Margaret Atwood

Today felt like a lost day! Alfredo, my contractor was scheduled to come over today, but I wasn't sure of his timing. So I got up early because I wanted to be ready for him. Alfredo installed the light fixture I ordered for the bathroom and then he worked for four hours, yes four hours on changing the faucets on my bathroom sink. For months now, I have been dealing with a leaky bathroom sink. The water comes out of the handles, even when the faucets weren't turned to the open position. It was so bad that I wrapped paper towels around the faucets daily. When I heard my plumber wanted to charge me $1,100 to correct the situation, I decided to just live with the problem. Well that was until I started working with Alfredo and saw what he did with the bathroom that was damaged from a flood in August. So today, Alfredo worked diligently to correct this mess! But that meant we were literally home all day. Sounds easy enough, but when we are home all day, my mom gets stir crazy and my dad sleeps the day away. So not good for either of them.

I honesty can't get over this bathroom transformation. It went from the ugliest bathroom in the house to one of the nicest looking ones! When we moved into the house in 2021, this was the color and set up of the bathroom. Everything was builder grade. We installed the sink you see in the photo because the original sink was low to the floor, almost designed for a small child. There was no way it would have worked for my mom.  

Alfredo installed the light fixture today and truly it is a night and day difference. I am in the process of getting a new shower curtain and bath mat, and then I have ideas for some art work to bring pops of color into the space. So stay tuned. 

This may not seem like a big deal to you, but to me having faucets that aren't leaking, pooling water, and making a mess is a gift! What I love about Alfredo is he is determined to get the job right, he takes his time, and even my home owner's insurance company gave me feedback that Alfredo's prices are fair and reasonable! 

When Alfredo left today, he wanted to make sure I shut the hoses to the house off because it is frigid and the pipes could freeze. I assured him I did this, and though I haven't said a word to him, he can see that I am juggling everything in the house myself. His final words to me tonight were.... you are doing a great job. He says most home owners push projects off, the issues start piling up and then it becomes financially impossible to manage them. He confirmed that my approach of budgeting and managing one project at a time is the way to go! That meant a lot to me because this is the first house I have ever owned, and I have had to learn very quickly.

Monday, November 10, 2025

Monday, November 10, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2002. Mattie was seven months old! A friend of mine sent us this big entertainment saucer. When I first saw the size of it, I thought to myself.... no way! This is going to take up half of our living room! But this is how it goes when you have  children.... their things take over and some how you get used to it, because their needs are number one! I grew to LOVE this saucer, because it was one of the few things Mattie liked to do independently. Which gave me a hands free moment. Take a gander, who do you think Mattie was looking up at?! That's right, it was ME! Right from the beginning we were inseparable!  

Quote of the day: There comes a time in your life, when you are left with too many yesterdays and very less tomorrows. When you can look back and relive all the golden moments of your life. You would laugh thinking about your graduation day, or the teacher who changed your life, or how you met your soulmate. But then, you look ahead and you would realize that there is no future – no tomorrow to look forward to, and nothing to plan. Then what would you do? How would you go on and live a future that doesn't exist? ~  Bhavya Kaushik

This morning, I woke up on my own at 6am. What jolted me awake was a sickening feeling. As I proceeded to get myself together for the day, I realized that the whole right side of my face felt sensitive to the touch. At first I did not understand what was going on, but then I stopped and said, what else are you feeling? I quickly realized what I was feeling was a migraine coming on! My head was pounding, so I ran downstairs to get my rescue medication. I think I felt even more stress today than usual because I had to drive to the city for my dentist appointment. In order to make that happen, I had a ton of things to juggle first in order to be able to get away for two hours! 

At 9:50am, I was able to get my dad in the car, and I dropped him off at his memory care center. Then drove 40 minutes into the city to my dentist's office! I have been going to this dental practice since I was in my twenties! Therefore, I was not about to find a new dentist even though I live in the suburbs! Of course driving in the city, evokes so many memories! This is where I lived with my other half for 27 years! Today I passed restaurants we used to visit, the Kennedy Center where we saw countless shows, and all the paths we used to walk with Sunny! It was a walk down memory lane. While all of this was flashing before my eyes, I also had the radio on. Thomas Rhett's song, Sixteen, came on. Seems appropriate given my emotional state. If you have never heard the song, it is below. Basically in the song he walks us through his life, starting at 16 to 24! At 16.... he was wild and free, and as he ages, this wild and free evolves and looks different. 

Unlike the person in this song, I was never wild. At 16, I never broke a curfew. I never needed one! I never smoked in my life, never took drugs, and never got drunk. I am not sure what that says about me! So wild and free are not necessarily words I would use to describe myself. Yet listening to this song, I related to the sentiment he was describing, and the level of innocence that comes with youth and how this changes as we age. All I know is hearing this song and driving through the city (which used to be my home), just emotionally hit me. My life has been filled with so many incredible losses, of which I wasn't prepared for! Then again, who is ever prepared for child loss and the ending of a 35 year long committed relationship? 

When I got to the dental office, my hygienist, Annie, came out and gave me a BIG HUG. Annie knows what a feat it is for me to get to this appointment! In addition, she works with both of my parents, so she knows the immense support they need. As soon as I got in the dental chair, Annie put pillows under my knees and neck, and then turned on rat pack music! Why rat pack music? Well to me it evokes a more simpler time! When I was a teenager, and I used to visit my dad's brother, he literally would play this music throughout the day on his record player. Back then I thought..... is he kidding? As I told Annie today, I have turned into my uncle! I have a great appreciation for this music. It is happy, it talks about love, people appreciating each other, and kindness. 

Annie and my dentist know that my dental visit is my respite. Truly it is like going to a spa! They try to help me regroup for the hour while I am in the dental chair! At the end of my visit, Annie walked me out and said to me..... there is ONLY one Vicki! She says she doesn't know many people like me who would devote their life to helping others, and always putting everyone else's needs before their own. Then of course she gave me a big hug and a ton of dental products in a little gift bag. When you are a full-time caregiver it is amazing where one seeks self care and respite, even at the dentist's office!

Sunday, November 9, 2025

Sunday, November 9, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2002. Mattie was 7 months old. I remember purchasing for him that adorable puppy hat and our life in the city. Mattie and I posed for this fall photo in front of the oak tree, which was right outside our balcony window. It is ironic, because this tree served many purposes for us when Mattie became a preschooler! Mattie loved to collect acorns from this tree and this tree provided us with leaves in the spring for Mattie's tent moth collection! I will never forget this tree. So much so, that we planted acorns from this tree years ago, which now grow faithfully in flower pots in our current backyard!

See the two oaks in the brown pots? These are off shoots of the above tree!!!

Quote of the day: Familiar like a forgotten song from long ago that takes you back to a moment the second you hear it. And you recognize who you were. Then. And now. And you have to figure out how to reconcile the two. ~ Katy Regnery

Last night I decided to write to my three friends who I celebrate Christmases with to see if they would be willing to come to my house again this year. Holidays are difficult for me, now more than ever. But these friends understand this and I do not want the day to go by especially for my parents without feeling we are celebrating the holiday in some way. For the most part I am no longer social, on any level. I do not get together with friends, I do not do anything else other than my usual routine. My life is very limited, but even if it wasn't limited by caregiving, I frankly would not know what to do with myself anyway. My life ended the day I became single. That may sound dramatic, but it is the truth. The truth isn't always fun to read. 

I am grateful that all three of my friends immediately responded back and they are all coming on December 25. That to me is a big gift, as eating a holiday dinner without their company would be beyond painful. Cooking big meals always reminds me of my grandmother! When I was growing up, we ate in courses! My grandmother would make three course holiday meals, and that did not include dessert. So my grandmother was cooking for days. Despite all her work, she did it with grace and ease. Or at least she made it look that way! She is another person I deeply miss and I would like to think she is smiling down on me, because she was an amazing influence on me in terms of my ability to be a caregiver and to cook. 

This is the complexity of holidays. They are portrayed as happy in social media, movies, and print, but for so many of us, the holidays are fraught with grief and loss. Now when I look around my table, I have to face the bitter reality of the loss of both Mattie and my marriage.