Tuesday, October 13, 2026

Tuesday, October 13, 2026 -- Mattie died 867 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. I will never forget this day! My students at the University put together this amazing Halloween basket for Mattie. It was filled with balloons, decorations, cards, and other goodies. I was deeply honored that my students thought of us, yet for Mattie seeing this big basket upset him. On some level he loved the basket, what was in it, and the thoughtfulness, but on the other hand the basket reminded him that he wasn't living a normal kid life. His friends were going to school, playing, and going to enjoy Halloween. But Mattie felt sick, did not have the same energy, looked different and lived in a hospital. If you think seeing Mattie sad, depressed, and anxious did not impact me, you would be very wrong. I remember absorbing Mattie's pains and trying to make the impossible seem a little more manageable. But I would say, it is very traumatic to see your child suffering and not being able to do anything about it. 

Quote of the day: It’s like I don’t have a right to grieve. ~ Kenneth Doka

This morning, after I showered my dad, I noticed he had two big welts on his temples, right by each of his eyes. Now if I did not shower him myself, I would have thought he hit himself in the head with the telephone shower head. But given that I now do the full shower process, I knew he did not hit his head. I also know he hasn't slipped or fallen AT ALL, since he has been with me 24/7 since Friday evening. So I had to quickly think this through..... what was going on?

I then started connecting the dots. For weeks, my dad has been struggling with an itchy right arm. It is so bad, that he has practically scratched his skin off. Mind you his arm has no insect bites and no rash on it, yet he has this phantom itch. An itch that has been made worse by his scratching. His arm literally looks like he has been attacked by a kitten. 

So this morning, I realized itching and now welts..... equals an allergic reaction. Typically a reaction to a new medication. My dad's doctor started him on a new diabetes medication about a month ago. The new drug has wreaked all sorts of havoc with my dad's irritable bowel issues, but I thought that was the extent of it. Now that I am seeing these other signs, I grabbed my phone, snapped photos of the welts and his arm and sent it to his doctor. I then alerted the doctor to my plan. My plan was to stop giving my dad this diabetes medication for three days and see whether his symptoms subside. I also started him on Zyrtec. This may sound like overkill, but my dad is super sensitive and if I don't catch the allergic reaction in time, I will have to inject him with an epi pen. I have learned this the hard way, which is why I travel with an epi pen in the car and also have one at home. 

It was another glorious weather day! The kind of day that makes you feel good, no matter what else is happening in the world and in your life. My dad was able to do his physical therapy session outside today and while he was out there, I made service calls to arrange for our annual heating check and also reached out to my mortgage company to discuss the escrow. If you have been following along, I have been dealing with a mortgage assumption since May! We are now in October and I am hoping by next week, all aspects of this hateful process will be done. 

Later this afternoon, I took my parents out for frozen yogurt. We visit this store every Tuesday, so you can imagine I know the store manager and all of her employees. In fact, one of the women who works in the store has the same birthday as me! The store loves my parents and they treat them beautifully. But today, I was talking to my birthday mate and she was explaining that she has been unable to sleep for three days. It was so bad, that her husband took her to the emergency room. She got fully checked out (as she is recovering from surgery), and got a clean bill of health. The doctor literally told her she has anxiety, and wait for it...... SHE JUST HAS TO CALM DOWN! When I heard this, I literally laughed out loud! It is very clear to me that this doctor knows nothing about anxiety! Do you know what happens when you tell an anxious person to calm down..... they get more anxious! In addition to talking about anxiety, we also talked about the things happening in her life. I knew immediately that there was a REASON for the triggered intense anxiety. It always comes down to our interpersonal relationships. I say this from experience and I wasn't off based today either. 

Needless to say, I did not solve my birthday mate's problems, but what she did say was.... thank you for listening, for understanding, and for truly understanding how debilitating anxiety can be. She told me that she is in awe of what I do each day for my parents, as she observes it in the store, and we both agreed.... we each have to take it one day at a time. This may sound like a trite statement, until you experience something that makes you reach your breaking point. Then you realize this mantra is the way to survive each second, minute, hour, day, week, month, and year. 

Monday, October 12, 2026

Monday, October 12, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was admitted to the hospital that day! How do I know? Because Mattie was wearing clothes. Whenever Mattie was in the hospital, he only wanted to wear pajamas. However, between hospital admissions, Mattie would wear clothes. Therefore, I can always tell admission days by the photos! The child life playroom at the hospital was having pumpkin decorating that day and of course Mattie was eager to join in as Mattie was all about the pumpkins! 

Quote of the day: Ambiguous loss is the most stressful loss people can face. ~ Pauline Boss

Given that today is a holiday, I had the luxury of getting up at 8am. This is literally unheard of for me, as most days I am up between 6 and 6:30am. Some days earlier. It was a pleasure not rushing around and meeting a time clock! Even Indie seemed to understand not to wake me up, which was appreciated. 

After I got my dad showered, dressed, had breakfast, and then settled in his recliner, I started to do chores. I reprogrammed outdoor light timers, I picked up fallen limbs in the backyard, naturally did a ton of laundry, and even tackled cleaning the inside glass of my oven door. I have been trying to clean this glass on the door for weeks. Nothing seemed to work! I finally read an article by Martha Stewart, who recommended making a paste out of baking soda and water, spreading it all over the glass and letting it sit for 15 minutes. I decided to try it and she is absolutely correct. It cleans the glass without damaging it! So next I am going to try her steam cleaning method for cleaning my oven. Not sure when I will tackle that, but it is on my list. 

This afternoon, I took my parents out to Dairy Queen. It was a beautiful weather day, and it helps to have outings. This chocolate extreme blizzard was the highlight of my day. While we were having our blizzards, I pulled out the game of Quirkle. It is a color and shape game with tiles and it gets both of my parents to think, looks for patterns and converse. Conversing is vital, because if I left my dad to his own devices he would say NOTHING all day long, and my mom would be glued to her phone. So games help draw them both out. They both had a lovely day out and I celebrate these small wins. 

Sunday, October 11, 2026

Sunday, October 11, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was in between treatments and was home from the hospital. Of course being at home never lasted more than a few days, because Mattie typically would become ill with a fever and would need to be admitted. Next to Mattie was his "Haunted Mansion" that he built from tinker toys and ghosts and pumpkins we made together. As you can see, our apartment was getting filled up with all sorts of gifts and toys. Literally by the time Mattie died, our home looked like a warehouse. I had things stacked (up to my waist) around the perimeter of our dining room, living room, and Mattie's room. It took me years to cope with this and eventually have the courage to clean out our home. I can assure you that having to throw out, donate, and organize items that belonged to Mattie was hellish. It is a thing no parent should ever have to do. 

Quote of the day: There is no ritual for grieving someone who is still here. No casserole, no card, no closure — just the quiet, daily work of loving what has already begun to leave. ~ Georgia Clare

At 4:20am, the power went out. You wouldn't think I would notice, but I MOST CERTAINLY did! Since Mattie was diagnosed with cancer, I sleep with a sound machine that plays the sound of rain. When that sound stops, something in my brain is triggered to wake up. As I was coming to consciousness, I could hear my neighbor's generator turn on and I knew exactly what was going on. I did eventually go back to sleep, but when my alarm went off, I went to turn it off and I was having trouble seeing the print on my phone. At first, I just thought I was blurry eyed, but as I sat at the edge of the bed, I knew exactly what was happening. I was having an ocular migraine in both of my eyes. It is hard to describe this feeling, but you know what it feels like when you stare at the sun and then look away? You see a bright light in your eyes, well that is part of how I felt, but add to that jagged zigzag patterns floating around your eyes! Fortunately I was not out and about or driving. I have had this happen in both cases and naturally in this condition, I can't drive. I have to wait for the feeling to pass. 

I remember my first ocular migraine. I literally thought I was having a stroke or was seriously ill. It is downright frightening. Thankfully with consultation from my ophthalmologist and neurologist, I learned that nothing was physically wrong with my eyes. Now, I know what's happening and as soon as I got up, before feeding Indie, I quickly took my migraine rescue medication. 

By 12:45pm, my mom still hadn't come downstairs. Her breakfast had been waiting for her for hours, and yet there was no sign of her. My mom can get lost on her phone. I am seeing this more and more. When I say lost, I mean LOST for hours. I now have to keep a closer eye on her, and since we needed to leave the house by 1:15pm, to head to brunch, I went upstairs to help her get herself together. I literally blow dried and styled her hair, so she did not have to. 

Every Sunday, I take my parents out for brunch. We go to the same restaurant and have been going there since 2021. So you can imagine in five years, I have gotten to know most of the people who work there! Our long time server is named Cheryl. Cheryl now works every other Sunday brunch, so the weeks she isn't there, we have gotten to know the tag team of Stephanie and Rachel. Also lovely women. 

Stephanie brought these squishy things for us today. She has a collection of about 80 and always has one on her. These items are used for all sorts of things like fidgeting, anxiety and stress. Any case, that navy blue one now sits on my desk! I joked with Stephanie that when I get mad, I am going to whack that thing against the wall! 

Meanwhile, Cheryl came into the restaurant for her evening shift and brought me items for the Fall. Cheryl exchanges gifts with us on all holidays and birthdays! Cheryl has given me so many lovely Fall items over these last five years that have added to my collection. Would I decorate if my parents weren't with me? Most likely not! But I do it because it brightens the house and helps orient them to the season. 

See the sunflower arrangement on my coffee table? The arrangement is made out of silk flowers. This was a centerpiece at Cheryl's son's wedding last October. I was not able to go, but she saved me a centerpiece because she knows I love sunflowers. 

This is my favorite counter space in my kitchen. I decorate it for every holiday. 

This floral arrangement and sunflower vase was given to me by Cheryl several years ago. We tell Cheryl all the time that she missed her calling, she has a wonderful creative flair!

Fall towels from Cheryl and my 'former' mother-in-law.

When we moved into the house in 2021, my parents hadn't moved in yet until December. So that September, I went to the craft store, which isn't far from our house. I can't tell you how excited I was to know that I had such a store so close by. Any case, I bought this Fall centerpiece and take it out every fall. 

This pumpkin plate was also a gift from Cheryl. 

The pumpkin on the coffee table and round table are from Cheryl, as is the Autumn themed decorative ball. 

While chatting with Stephanie, Rachel, and Cheryl today, they all requested my pumpkin cake cookies. They think I am a great baker, so I put "bake" cookies on my iphone calendar. Here's the funny story about all of this, I love the restaurant that they work at but they know I HATE their desserts! The chef tells me they run a scratch kitchen, but seriously if this is what they concoct from scratch, I am not impressed. When I told the ladies today that the chef told me NO ONE has ever complained about desserts at the restaurant until me, Cheryl's response was..... "most people don't cook and bake like you!" Anycase that made me smile.  

Saturday, October 10, 2026

Saturday, October 10, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was in his third month of cancer treatment and had just completed his first limb salvaging surgery. His right arm was in a cast and sling. However, his child life interns, child life professional, and art therapist got Mattie out of his room and to the hospital playroom. The goal was to work his lungs post-surgery. Naturally doing the typical pulmonary exercises did not interest Mattie, so they instead decided to play games with blowing bubbles. That Mattie was up for! It was a great team of women.... they will never be forgotten. 

Quote of the day: When a loss is ambiguous, no public ceremony acknowledges the loss and its fallout, or honors the memory of the loved one. It was true for us. People still were unsure how to respond to the endlessness of our unique form of loss. Should they grieve with us or pretend life was fine now. ~ Pat McLeod

This morning my dad had another physical therapy session. Given that it wasn't raining and the weather was manageable, I encouraged them to do his session outside. Psychologically, my dad accomplishes a lot more outside. Whereas when he is inside, he is constantly looking to sit down and "relax." Being outside, he is too distracted by nature and other things going on to want to sit. 

While my dad was outside, I sat down to focus on bills and figured out how I will be paying for everything this month. I wish I could say that three years into this, things are like a well oiled machine. They are not and given that I receive no financial support post-divorce, I have had to become a creative accountant. Something I NEVER EVER thought I would have to do, much less could do. 

My lifetime friend, Karen, texted me to encourage me to complete some health insurance reimbursement forms for both of my parents. Since Karen and my parents share the same health insurer, she felt it was worth doing. If she did not write to me, I would have blown it off, because sometimes I feel like I am on overload..... that one more thing could set me off. But I did do it, and Karen is right, we should get reimbursed for money owed to us. It is a matter of principle. So another thing checked off my list. 

Later today, I took my parents to our local diner. We go there every Saturday. The diner was a zoo today, filled to the brim with people. They had a party of 35 people sitting together that took up half of the restaurant. This was a huge problem, because the diner is small and Saturdays are busy dining days! Half way into the meal, I could see that my mom was upset and unable to eat (I wasn't far behind!). There was just too much chaos and it was frenetic. I would like to say it is age that is impacting me, but my age has nothing to do with it. Even when I was a teenager, I couldn't eat when there was a lot of noise and chaos around me. So in essence my mom and I are alike on this front! The diner sent us home with multiple desserts for free, but frankly the damage was already done. My parents were so traumatized from the experience, that they came home and have been sleeping for two hours. 

Yet while I looked around at people eating at the diner, they did not seem upset. The noise did not bother them. They were all chatting away, engaged, and having a good time. I absorbed it all, and that reminded me once again..... this is not my life. 

Friday, October 9, 2026

Friday, October 9, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was in-between treatments and home from the hospital. That day, Debbie, Mattie's art teacher from school came over to do some creative projects with him. Mattie met Debbie when he was in kindergarten. They instantly connected and I will never forget that in Mattie's mid-semester commentaries from his teachers, Debbie wrote..... Mattie is a "old soul." Debbie understood Mattie and she brought out the inner artist in him. Mattie's Mr. Sun painting, was created with Debbie in her studio a month after this photo was taken. Mr. Sun is part of Mattie's legacy and serves as the symbol of Mattie Miracle!

Mattie and Debbie and of course... Mr. Sun!

Quote of the day: The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. ~ Dolly Parton

At 6:45am, I went outside (in my pajamas) and found that all my pansies were decimated. In the middle of the night, a group of deer came and ate the heads off of all my pansies. If that wasn't bad enough, they then pulled each and every plant out of the box. I found the actual plants all over the driveway! Needless to say, I was NOT happy. I collected all the plants and replanted them. It is my hope they will take and possibly rebloom. Though I love these four legged friends, I do not like their eating frenzy. 

In addition, I have roses in front of the house that my other half planted after we moved in. I rarely get a rose on these plants! Why? Because they serve as deer food! I have neighbors with red roses! The deer don't touch them, but my pretty pink roses, are apparently highly desirable!

After I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I headed to the grocery
store. It is my Friday morning ritual. When I got back home, I put away groceries, dealt with laundry, and then went into the backyard with my green's barrel. I spent an hour outside pulling weeds. I find being outside and pulling weeds very therapeutic and there are times I get so overwhelmed with feelings over my divorce that I can't sit still. I have to move around. Needless to say in an hour's time, I filled up an entire barrel. It is hard to believe that now I need to turn my attention to transplanting my sunny hibiscuses into plastic pots to winterize them inside. I can't seem to get myself to do this yet. Instead, I set up the flower pot holders and coasters inside the house today and am slowly accepting that winter is coming. 

Thursday, October 8, 2026

Thursday, October 8, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. I know it was a Friday, given the activity in the hallway. The chemistry club came to the pediatric floor to do a hands on activity with the kids. That day, they were taking fresh roses, and putting them into dry ice. The team then dropped the dry iced roses onto the floor, and they broke into a million pieces. Here's the kicker though! Mattie wouldn't give up his fresh rose. He did not want to see it frozen and broken. Instead, he gave me the rose! What a boy! Pictured with Mattie were his best buddy in cancer, Brandon, and two child life interns (Whitney and Lesley). Mattie, Brandon, Whitney and Lesley got along splendidly with each other and anyone who got along with Mattie and made him happy was a blessing. 

Quote of the day: Be brave enough to try something new; you might just succeed. ~ Stacey Kehoe

My dad had a physical therapy session this morning. It was a glorious weather day, so he did his session alfresco. My dad seems to respond positively to being outside and gets a lot more accomplished with his therapists when he is outside. While he was busy, I decided to make a phone call to a governmental agency in Richmond, VA that oversees the Foundation's fundraising registration. As an aside, in order for a non-profit to fundraise, one has to be registered in the state they are incorporated in and where they collect the majority of their funds. 

Typically this registration process has been paper and pencil. It is laborious, because it needs to be signed by two board members. Not signed electronically, but with fresh ink signatures! Literally it involves me mailing documents to my board member to get her signature and then finally remailing the whole package to Richmond. But this year, the agency created an on-line portal. If you know me, then you know I always have technology issues. When I first registered for this agency's portal in the summer time, you want to know how long it took me to get logged in? Try a month! I couldn't get onto this system for the life of me. It was only through multiple emails and tries that I finally got it to work. 

This week, while Cody (my plumber) was here, I had the time at home to work on the fundraising registration renewal application. I got through the whole thing, and there was even a link to electronically send the application to my board member for her to review and sign. Sounded great! Seemed streamlined! Except my board member never received the email request for her signature! Given that the application is due in the beginning of November, I was getting frustrated. Me and my board member even considered going back to the paper and pencil version. 

But today, I said to myself..... NO! I have figured out other harder things, I can get this to work too! So what did I do? I called the technical support staff at the agency and got connected to Sam. Sam was super helpful and very patient. He confirmed that an email was sent to my board member, but he decided to resend it and copy me by email. Thankfully I had the wherewithal to ask Sam, the steps that my board member needed to follow to get onto the system and sign the document. Seriously if Sam did not give me a step by step process, my board member would have never figured it out. I literally wrote down everything Sam told me, put it in an email, and sent it to my board member with Sam on copy! 

As of tonight, the application is completed, the fee paid for, and I am awaiting a decision from the agency. I would have to say that with my separation and divorce, I have learned to work BEYOND my comfort zone. I have no problem admitting I have no idea how to do something, and I know when to turn to professionals for help. I would say this is the only GOOD thing I have learned from my divorce. 

Wednesday, October 7, 2026

Wednesday, October 7, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that weekend we went to Butler's Orchard to pick out pumpkins from the pumpkin patch. I am not sure what Mattie loved more.... going into the fields and picking pumpkins from the vine or the hay wagon ride! What I do know is Mattie gravitated to the color orange. No surprise that orange is the main color of the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation! We did so many fall festivals that I can't look at a pumpkin now without being transported back to these happier times. Pumpkins symbolize these Mattie moments, when we were an intact family. 

Quote of the day: In the realm of Ambiguous Loss, the absence persists, the closure eludes. A narrative without an ending, where the lines between presence and absence blur, where endings are but distant mirages. Its chronic presence perpetuates a narrative of loss, a loss that remains unclear and without resolution. It has no closure or finality because the loss is ongoing... ~ Carson Anekeya

The highlight of my day is that my mom and I met my friend Ilona for lunch. I have known Ilona since 2013, when her only child, Chris, died from cancer. Back then, even while intensely grieving, Ilona had the wherewithal to ask our mutual oncologist to be connected to a family who also lost an only child. I give Ilona credit, because after Mattie died, that notion never even crossed my mind. I can still remember that July day when we went to visit Ilona and Attila in their home. I truly did not know what to bring with us, but I brought a black forest cake. Don't ask me why! But for me the answer to all problems is sugar and chocolate, so that was probably my thinking.

In 2013, I was four year into the grieving process, and therefore I was far enough away from the initial shock to be able to listen and absorb someone else's trauma. That said, every journey is different and I never try to tell a bereaved parent what to do, how to do it, or what the process will look like. The only thing that I do convey is that child loss is a lifelong process, and this is key. I say it is key because our society expects all of us to bounce back after one year! I don't just think this, I had it said to me. As one friend told me I needed to see a therapist to help me get "back to normal." I will never, EVER, forget that commentary! Given society's pressure, at the one year mark, if you are no further along in the grief process, you can easily think that something is wrong with you! WRONG!!!!! Something is wrong with the situation we are facing, as no parent should have to see their child die!

The first year after Mattie died, I truly did not know if I was coming or going. It was a year of just trying to get my basic needs met. The real emotional grief work did not happen until year two and three! Those years were sheer hell, and I longed to go back to year one when I was completely numb. 

I know for me, connecting to people by text messaging, helped me stay somewhat grounded and in touch with the world, after Mattie died. After all, while Mattie was battling cancer, he did not like hearing noise. Which meant I couldn't hold conversations with people, so I got conditioned to turn to text messaging. Unfortunately that conditioning remains intact with me today, as I rather text than talk. I was NOT like this pre-cancer. Therefore, when I got connected with Ilona, I did what I knew best..... to stay connected by text messaging. After visiting Ilona at her home in 2013, my text messages began. We chatted with each other daily for about three years. The beauty of these messages was it helped both of us and in the process we developed a mutual friendship. I just can't believe we have been friends for 13 years, as I remember July 2013, like it was yesterday. 

Any case, my mom and I met Ilona today for lunch. She introduced us to a new restaurant known for its fresh breads and pastries. We had an amazing turkey, cranberry, and goat cheese sandwich, a chicken salad sandwich and a wonderful cinnamon apple pie. The pie was more like a the texture of a light and flakey croissant. It was very tasty, along with with lively and stimulating conversation. These visits are good for my mom too and for the time we were with Ilona, I took a pause from my usual feelings of grief, loss, and divorce misery.   

Tuesday, October 6, 2026

Tuesday, October 6, 2026 -- Mattie died 866 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. It was a beautiful weekend and we took Mattie to a Fall Festival. It was a tradition we did each year with Mattie. When we first took Mattie to these festivals, he was a bit overwhelmed and was intrigued by these slides but he did not dare venture it alone. By age 5, Mattie decided to try it alone! Ironically I never went down the slides with Mattie, I was the family photographer. A role I was happy to serve. All I can say is thank goodness I was committed to capturing photos. They are priceless to me, and the funny thing was I thought I was taking photos to eventually share with Mattie as he got older. 

Quote of the day: Anyone can hide. Facing up to things, working through them, that’s what makes you strong. ~ Sarah Dessen

Though I have more than enough on my plate, I decided to have Cody, my plumber, over today, to do a full house inspection. I do one for electrical and heating/cooling each year, but I have been remiss on plumbing since my separation. Part of me would like to bury my head in the sand, because I know with every inspection comes issues and issues cost money to resolve. 

I haven't seen Cody for about two years, as he changed companies. But I decided to follow Cody to his new company and given that I need things functioning in my house, I arranged for Cody to come over today. Cody created quite a list of items for me to address and when I saw the potential cost, I literally had to take a deep breath. He understands that I am balancing the weight of the world on my shoulders, so I won't be able to do everything at once. Instead, I had him change the sump pump today, which was a big and important job, and he will come back next month and in the spring, to continue items from the list. All I can say is I am NOT cut out for home ownership. It was one thing when I was balancing it with my other half, but now, taking on home maintenance alone is truly laborious, daunting, and very stressful. 

Today was garbage day too. While I was outside ready to roll the receptacles back up the driveway, Cody came flying over to help me. He said there was no way he was going to let me do this, when he can easily help me. I literally said to him.... I forgot what it was like to have someone to help me. Remember Cody also knew my other half, and he is devastated what has happened to my life. 

While Cody was working today, I literally sat down at the computer, and did Foundation administrative work, filled out my mom's driver's license renewal (no she doesn't drive, but she still likes a license), made an appointment at the DMV for her renewal, and continued researching health insurance plans. If you have been following along on the blog, then you know CIGNA has canceled all independent health insurance plans in the country. As of December 31, I will have no insurance, so once again, I am at this horrible process. I had to do this in 2024, after my divorce, but here I am again two years later facing the same stress. It is 6pm, and all I can say is I feel overwhelmed and sad.  

Monday, October 5, 2026

Monday, October 5, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that weekend we took him to Glen Echo Park in Maryland. We loved this park, as it had a children's theatre, a marionette puppet theatre, and a Denzel carousel. We all enjoyed our visits there and along our journey, we stopped for a photo. Thank goodness I was photo crazy, because I had no idea back then that the only thing I would have left are the photos. 

Quote of the day: There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning. ~ Louis L’Amour

As it is Monday, my mom and I typically have our routine after I drop my dad off at his memory care center. But today, we met my friend Ann for lunch. Doing anything beyond my usual routine, can at times set me emotionally over the edge. I find when facing loss and trauma.... routine, consistency, and isolation from others is the way I cope. I remember when Mattie died, I felt no one around me really understood the magnitude of my loss. Sure people were kind and mostly well intentioned, but they couldn't understand that socializing and receiving their support felt finite. At the end of the day, they went home to their children and families, and we went home to nothing. It is a very hard reality to paint for someone, but the one person who always understood, was my other half. We survived that enormous trauma together, and having someone along side you who reminds you..... it's not you, it is the situation, is SO SO IMPORTANT. 

My current situation, is a different sort of loss, but one that has also rocked my world. Yet this time, I face it alone. Yes I live with my parents, but they feel completely different than I do about my divorce. Therefore, I can express how I feel, but to the rational person, I realize my perspective makes NO SENSE. So this compounds the isolation. 

Going out to lunch today provided the opportunity to discuss other things, other than what I mentally drown in every day, and it also enabled me to actually eat food, rather than snack's we have while out for tea. After lunch, we had time left before I had to pick up my dad, so I decided to take my mom to the craft store. Since my separation, my mom and I no longer shop. This was something we used to like to do together. But once I became separated, I was balancing multiple financial nightmares. So that is three years of not even walking around in a store (other than a grocery store). Needless to say, my mom enjoyed the outing and seeing Fall and Christmas themed decorations! So today, I can acknowledge that doing something different was manageable and provided a change of scenery. That said, I am no where mentally prepared to do such outings on a daily basis. 

Sunday, October 4, 2026

Sunday, October 4, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2004. Mattie was two and half years old and like every Fall weekend, we went to a Fall Festival. Though Mattie did not love crowds and a lot of noise, he loved being outside. There was always something fun to do at a Fall Festival, and Mattie was always up for exploring. Though you can't see our faces, I absolutely love this photo. To me it is just sweet and innocent. Mattie and Me! We faced many things together, while holding hands, and finding our way through whatever challenge and obstacle! How I wish he were still alive today, as I know he would be a strong ally. 

Quote of the day: You either get bitter or you get better. It’s that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you. ~ Josh Shipp

I came across this quote tonight and I think the sentiments are 100% correct! I say this in the context of caring for someone with moderate to late stage dementia. There are times managing my dad is infuriating, stressful, and tests me beyond measure. He absorbs nothing I say, can't process anything, and if you ask him a question, his answer is "I don't know!" I can't tell you how these three little words set me off! Tell me anything, but..... I DON'T KNOW! 

I have noticed over the last two weeks, that my dad hits his head with the shower head every morning. What do I mean? Well after I help my dad out of bed in the morning, which means practically lifting him out of bed myself, I get him to the shower, and have him sit in a shower chair. I then fully wash him myself with soap and shampoo his hair. It is at that point that I hand him the telephone shower head to wash the soap off of himself, while I make the bed and carry all the major laundry downstairs. Before I hand him the shower telephone, I tell him DO NOT put this near your head and hit your head. SURE ENOUGH, every morning, he hits his head, and now has about five bumps on his head. This morning was the last straw. Given that any hits to his head could exacerbate his current brain bleed, I am concerned. 

Tomorrow, I will need to completely alter my morning routine, as I no longer can leave my dad alone with the shower head. I will have to wash the soap off of him myself. Overall, I am seeing another steep decline in my dad's physical and mental state! The concern always is.... will this plateau and stabilize, or will he continue spiraling downhill. 

Tonight's quote resonates with me, because life will hit each and everyone of us with something or somethings that test your patience, challenge your existence, and cause you to lose direction and hope. For me my biggest threats to my existence were losing Mattie, facing divorce (and in the way it happened!), and being a caregiver to my parents 24/7 for five years now. Dementia transforms loves one dramatically. My dad has become focused only on himself, he turfs all things to me, and refuses to do one thing to help himself. It is frustrating and at times I feel like it is going to tear me down. But then I take a deep breath and realize tomorrow is another day. 

What I do know is taking my dad out to eat is becoming beyond difficult. It is hard to move him and his bathroom accidents are bordering on insane. Like clockwork, as soon as I take him into the restaurant we visit every Sunday, he has to go to the bathroom. Today, I brought him to the bathroom, but he refused to go. So while washing his hands, of course he went, which meant we had to go right back into a stall, and I had to fully clean and change him. This happens every Sunday without fail. Meanwhile, I can't leave my mom alone for long either, and forget the car. I literally leave the car by the restaurant's front door with my blinkers on while I get my parents into the restaurant. Some times, the car can be there for 15-20 minutes, depending upon the nature of my clean up jobs with my dad. All I can say is I NEVER signed up to do this alone and yet here I am. Some of us do NOT walk away.