Saturday, October 18, 2025

Saturday, October 18, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie had his first limb salvaging surgery on his right arm. As you can see Mattie's arm was in a sling and it was also casted. That evening, he came outside onto our deck and I snapped this photo of him. Notice the pumpkins! If it was Fall, Mattie always wanted to see pumpkins. Pumpkins became a fall tradition. After Mattie died, I never bought another pumpkin again. That is until we moved into our home in 2021. This house was supposed to be a new chapter in our lives, and given that my parents are living with me, I decided it was important to resurrect Mattie's pumpkin tradition! 

Quote of the day: The world is shaped by two things — stories told and the memories they leave behind. ~ Vera Nazarian

This morning, while showering my dad, the doorbell rang. My mom went to see who was at the door. It was a young couple holding a bible. My mom did not open the door, but came to tell me what was going on. I am sure each person may react differently to such a visit, but for me, when you come onto my property, and I haven't invited or expected you.... I don't like it. Religion and being religious is a private matter and I do not like being solicited to feel a certain way on my own property. So I paused my process with my dad and went downstairs, opened the door and told this couple to move along. I literally called the police to find out what a property owner's rights are and if it is legal for religious groups to go house to house in a neighborhood looking to recruit members. Ironically the answer is YES. The police officer said the only thing I can do is ask this person to leave my property, but I can't prevent them from going door to door. This was not the answer I was looking for, especially since I wouldn't be going door to door to share information about childhood cancer and solicit funds, therefore, I do not expect any other group to do the same. 

But today's encounter reminded me of what my doctor said to me yesterday! In our dialogue he discussed God. Again, not a typical conversation one has with a medical doctor. I explained to him that I am Catholic and I asked him about his religious beliefs. His response caught my attention. He said... Religion is for those afraid of going to hell and spirituality is for those who have been through hell. He then told me he is no longer religious, but is spiritual. My response to him was I am sorry you have been through hell and perhaps one day you will tell me more about that. 

So what do I think of this doctor's philosophy on religion? Again, I think to give a blanket statement that everyone who follows an organized religion does this because they are afraid of going to hell, is inaccurate. People turn to religion for different reasons and I certainly know many people who have gone through their own personal hell, but through this experience it brought them closer to God. Or that it is religion that has helped someone have the faith to make it to the next day. When Mattie died, I was angry. I was angry that God did not save Mattie and therefore left me with a future of being childless. I have been on my own personal journey of grief and trauma, but I do believe that God is along this painful road with me. His presence, I see in the wonderful signs of nature and the many wonderful and kind people who help me along the way with my divorce and with my parents. As I told the doctor, I haven't jumped out of the window yet, so there must be a greater life force at play, helping me manage through each minute, hour, day, week, month, and year!

Friday, October 17, 2025

Friday, October 17, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was invited by his art teacher, Debbie, to her studio. They worked together for a few sessions and created 'Mr. Sun.' Mr. Sun is an incredible masterpiece that hangs in our home. Debbie encouraged Mattie to sign the art and to date it when it was done! I do not think Debbie thought Mattie was going to make his name so bold and big, but now I have to admit that this is one of the many things I love about this painting. If you look at Mr. Sun, is it any wonder why Mattie Miracle's logo is the sun and that the Foundation's colors are ORANGE, YELLOW, and RED???? Mattie in essence guided his Foundation! Debbie and Mattie hit it off together on Day 1 of kindergarten! I will never forget Debbie's commentary about Mattie in his report card. One of the things she wrote was Mattie was an "old soul!" I couldn't agree more!

Quote of the day: We didn’t realize we were making memories, we just knew we were having fun. ~ Winnie the Pooh

Wow what a day! I got up at 6am today in order to get everything done and my dad downstairs for his 9:30am nursing appointment. When I got up, I went downstairs to feed Indie and once again she pooped on the basement area rug. It is no longer a one time issue, it is practically a daily problem. If that was the only thing I dealt with all day long, that would be bad enough. Bu when I got my dad up, washed and partially dressed, he had an irritable bowel attack. The bathroom and his body looked like a crime scene. Truly it is devastating, both to smell and to clean up. Of course when under a time pressure, because the nurse was coming, only seems to add to my stress level. 

When the nurse came, she told me I made the right decision to get wound care involved! My dad has a stage 2 pressure sore. Just so you know, pressure sores are categorized in one of four stages. The higher the stage, the more invasive the damage and the longer it will take to heal. In 2021, when my dad was living in California, he had a stage 3 pressure sore. This is exactly what I want to avoid!

As it is, stage 2 will require two nursing visits a week, and I will have daily maintenance of the sore. The nurse was impressed that I knew to order silicone foam dressings and was already actively working on wound care. Fortunately, I had the wherewithal to address this early because my dad meets all the criteria to be the perfect candidate for developing sores.... he's sedentary, he has Alzheimer's, is incontinent, and has diabetes.

After dropping my dad off, I drove about 30 minutes to my doctor's appointment. My primary care doctor wants to see me every six months. Why? Well I learned today, it is not just because of my cholesterol issues. It is because he is worried about me. He feels like I am under a sickly level of stress, managing things alone, dealing with being divorced, and the list goes on. Keep in mind that I met this doctor for the first time in April of 2025. My doctor (of over 20 years) retired, and this fellow is her replacement. He is younger and has a much different philosophy on medicine. He works harder to get to know the whole patient, which means understanding their lives. Frankly for me it is a bit of an adjustment. 

So today, I thought I was going in to talk about my cholesterol levels, but instead I got hit with much, much more. For the last six months, I have cut back on all the things I love..... cookies, cake, ice cream, bread, and cheese. These diet changes have had a direct impact on my cholesterol levels, as they all decreased. Before I went to the appointment today, I looked up my own blood test results and then charted my numbers from the last three years. So I was armed with data in the appointment. 

But like I said, our discussion turned out NOT to be cholesterol related. The doctor said he can feel my stress, as I was talking and reflecting on things, and at one point he said to me.... if I were you, I am not sure how I could handle any of this, and said justified hurts and losses are the worst kind. Literally I felt like he wanted to play psychiatrist and not internist. He is encouraging me to let go of my numerous emotional hurts, not because they are not justified, but because he is terribly worried about my physical health. He then threw out another word I am not wild about... forgiveness. 

Forgiveness is an emotionally laden word (which is why I suggest it be used carefully depending upon who we are talking to), because when we think of forgiveness, we think of what we have to bestow on someone else! However, as I have been reflecting on the doctor's numerous comments today, forgiveness in my case (which is the only thing I have control over), is to forgive myself. Forgiving myself for being devoted, loyal, and committed to a relationship for 35 years and to stop beating myself up for being so dependent and naive about this connection. At the time when he talked about forgiveness, I literally told him, it isn't me who gives out forgiveness it is God. Do I think God judges our actions and behaviors? Yes 100%, but I also think God understands our hurts, and can take our anger and also can accept if we do not wish to dole out forgiveness. But that said, it is my hope in time, God gives me the strength to forgive myself. I assure you it is an absolutely hateful reality to know that I am divorced and that I am facing the loss of a future I always imagined. 

As my appointment ended today, the doctor wanted to remind me to turn to my supports! I literally said to him.... what supports? I am managing every crisis and issue alone. He paused and then said.... I am one of your supports. If you need to yell at someone or be angry at someone, talk to me. Literally he had me laughing... and reminded me..... I am seeing him in April.  

Thursday, October 16, 2025

Thursday, October 16, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. I will never forget this moment in time! Mattie was admitted to the hospital that day for another round of treatment. However, Mattie wasn't in a happy place. Linda, Mattie's child life specialist, understood this and came up with a plan. She received a big shipment of toys and products for the child life playroom. She was in there sorting and organizing everything. She brought Mattie into the playroom to help her! Linda got Mattie right from day one! Mattie was a busy fellow and he did better when he had a chore, task or responsibility! As you can see, Mattie was right in the mix helping Linda! I used to call Linda my "Medical Mary Poppins," as she had a clever way of finding a solution to every problem. 

Quote of the day: During the day, memories could be held at bay, but at night, dreams became the devil's own accomplices. ~ Sharon Kay Penman

I went to bed last night with a lot of things on my mind. Never a good thing, as sleep no longer comes naturally to me. Some days I feel like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, and even though I am exhausted, I can't fall asleep. Soon after Mattie died, I had this same feeling. A feeling of complete angst, sadness, and fear. Fear..... because it is very disorienting to think of the world in one way, just to find out that what you thought for years was VERY wrong. My analogy that I use with people to help them understand the depths of my confusion is to imagine that all your life you have known that the sky is blue and above your head, but then one day out of the blue you learn..... you were VERY wrong. The sky is actually on the ground and the ground is up in the sky! It makes you question everything! How could you be so wrong? Then you wonder, if you were wrong about the sky/ground, what else are you wrong about? Truly it is a whirlwind of confusion swirling around in my mind sometimes. Most days I can tamp it down, because I am juggling caregiving, the house, finances, and the Foundation. But last night was NOT one of those nights!

I just couldn't fall asleep! I could have sat in bed and become upset that I couldn't fall sleep, or I could accept it and instead turn on the TV. I watch one Hallmark movie after the other. That is my therapy. I became addicted to Hallmark movies in 2009, right after Mattie died. What I love about Hallmark, is there are NEVER unhappy endings! So now I carry the loss of Mattie and the profound loss of my marriage with me. 

One of the movies I was watching last night was called Love Struck Cafe. A trailer for it is below. Basically it is about a young woman who returns home and in the process gets reconnected with her first love. The whole town knew these two were destined to be together, but it took many years apart, for them to find their way back together. One of poignant lines in the movie was from one of the long-time town residents, who said.... A First Love is a Forever Love! Needless to say an innocent and touching comment, sent me right over the edge. My over the edge never looks hysterical or crying. Instead, over the edge means that internally I feel like I am drowning. So last night I was internally drowning and unable to sleep.   

This morning, I had two physical therapy appointments. One for my dad and one for my mom, with two different therapists. One of the therapists, I have known for over two years now. He is a kind soul, who works at an in-home healthcare agency. His dad actually does the physical therapy assessments and the son provides the therapy. When he arrived, he asked me how things were going. I literally told him my concerns about my dad's pressure sore. I explained that the doctor truly wasn't willing to offer help or place an order for wound care. I showed the physical therapist the sore, I sent him photos and he reached out to the nurse who works for the in-home healthcare agency. I have gotten to know this nurse over the years too! Well within an hour, the agency got a doctor's script in place and wound care starts tomorrow morning. I can't tell you how grateful I am because if I do not address this early, this will take months of care to manage in order to prevent an infection. 

Overall this has been a sad week for me. When the reality of my losses hit me straight on and I remain deeply confused as to how I could be facing my life as a single person now. What I do know is last night's move gave voice to what I have always felt in my heart and that is............ first loves are forever loves. 

Wednesday, October 15, 2025

Wednesday, October 15, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. That day, Mattie was admitted to the hospital for his next round of treatment. How do I know? Because Mattie was dressed in real clothes! When we were home, Mattie was fine wearing clothes by day and PJs at night. But when he was living in the hospital, he wanted to wear PJs all day! We went with whatever Mattie wanted! The in-patient child life playroom was having a pumpkin decorating activity that day and Mattie had a great time with all his hospital buddies getting ready for Halloween. I honestly do not know what we would have done without that playroom! It was in that space that Mattie got to be Mattie! 

Quote of the day: Losing someone is like when the sun comes through a window, moving across the room with each hour, until night falls and all you can do is try to remember the soothing shapes it made. ~ Stewart Lewis

It is almost 9pm, and I am worn out on every level. I have been monitoring my dad's back and once again, I am faced with a pressure sore on his rump. This is the LAST thing I needed right now. I am trying to get on top of this before it progresses through the stages, requiring wound care. The last pressure sore my dad had was in Los Angeles and it took 8 months to heal, with weekly nursing visits. 

My dad's memory care center was concerned today and talked to me about the sore. Frankly, their reaction is worse than the actual problem. I shared photos with my dad's doctor and I have a strategy in place to keep the wound clean, putting on zinc oxide and tonight bought wound care foam (something we used in California). Though given the location of the sore, this is a hard place to manage and frankly the main issue is my dad refuses to comply with a walking routine. He is too sedentary, spends way too much time sitting, and putting pressure exactly where the sore is located! I am so exhausted with prodding him to move his body and having to solve every problem that comes before me in this house. Not in a happy place tonight, so I am signing off. 

Tuesday, October 14, 2025

Tuesday, October 14, 2025 -- Mattie died 816 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was home between hospital visits and that day his cousins were visiting. We took a walk around Foggy Bottom, our neighborhood in Washington, DC. The other kids were running around the flag poles, so Mattie wanted to follow along.... but instead he walked! Mattie walked because he felt differently! He knew he had a broviac catheter hanging from his chest and that he had to be more careful than a healthy child. Nonetheless, look at his face.... Mattie was smiling! Truly an incredible fellow, who also never went anywhere without a toy car in his hands (as you can see here!!!). Now when I see this photo, I look at it, and it was like my life in the city happened to a completely different person! Given all that has happened to me, I am NO longer the same person. 

Quote of the day: Sitting on the floor, I'd replay the past in my head. Funny, that's all I did, day after day after day for half a year, and I never tired of it. What I'd been through seemed so vast, with so many facets. Vast, but real, very real, which was why the experience persisted in towering before me, like a monument lit up at night. And the thing was, it was a monument to me. ~ Haruki Murakami

This morning I woke up earlier than usual because the home repair team from my HVAC company was coming to fix my drop down attic door. I booked an appointment at 8am. Since I need to balance meals and getting my parents out of the house each day, I schedule home improvement appointments early. Otherwise, we are trapped at home all day. Which I could handle, but my mother wouldn't be happy. 

Given that the furnace was installed in the attic, I can't tell you what my drop down door looked like, it was totally abused! It had dings on it, scratches, exposed nails, and dents. It was actually an eye sore! I tried cleaning the door myself, but there was no way to manage the extensive damage myself. So I complained to the HVAC install company and they arranged for their team to patch and repaint this door free of charge. In addition there is a liner that zips closed underneath the door. It helps to trap outside air and other attic debris from coming into the house. Well this liner had ripped and also detached from the attic floor. Thankfully Lee, who came today, was able to repair this liner, as he needed a special silver tape and staple gun. 

When Lee saw the attic door today, with its dents, scratches, and marks, he just shook his head! This is NOT a new occurrence for him. But unfortunately Lee did not show up at my door until noon! I can't tell you the numerous phone calls I made today to the company to complain. If you tell me an appointment time, I expect you to honor it or at the very least keep me posted. This HVAC company now sometimes uses artificial intelligence to answer the phones. AI is supposed to help and streamline the service, but in my opinion, it only makes matters worse. It screws up appointments, it reassigns the techs I request to somewhere else, and the list goes on! Now I refuse to talk to AI period. If I don't get a real person, I hang up or find a way through the system because I will not have a dialogue with a computer. 

This is the final product! Lee did a great job. The attic door looks beautiful, no dents, no dings, no scratches and it is all one color now (thankfully I had a can of the correct color paint for Lee to use in the basement). It was worth his visit!

While Lee was here, he said to me.... do you have a dog? I told him I used to and then I asked why?! He said..... there is a dog at your front door looking to come in!

I knew exactly who this was.... Sophie, who belongs to my neighbor! Sophie and Sunny used to be buddies. She is a Labrador and an absolute love! If she gets out from the backyard, it is not unusual for her to visit me. But her owners weren't home and the landscaper was beside himself! He couldn't get Sophie back behind the fence. NO PROBLEM! I took that on... why? Because I learned all the best of tricks from my best buddy, SUNNY! Sophie and I had a lovely time together and she was super easy and compliant to get back home. But I do believe dogs can read people! They know who to trust and follow! They are so smart!

This afternoon, I took my parents out to a restaurant that is near us, but that they never tried before. That could be a hit or miss, but since this restaurant is a chain that started in Boston, and I have been to one of its other locations, so I knew it was worth trying. Any case, my dad ate up a storm and my mom was happy! So whenever I can introduce them to something beyond their comfort zone, it is a success!

Monday, October 13, 2025

Monday, October 13, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was three months into his cancer treatment. That day, we went to the child life playroom. Which was very close to the pediatric intensive care unit. This playroom was a GOD sent! Because otherwise, we were trapped in the room all day. Mattie interacted with staff members in the playroom and got to work alongside other children. That day, Mattie was working on creating an underwater scene. But within this scene, Mattie decided to build a bridge out of model magic so that his cars had a way to be incorporated into his play scheme! Any form of locomotion caught Mattie's attention even as a baby! Before Mattie could stand, walk, or talk..... he could spend hours looking out our bedroom window and observe cars, trucks, and planes flying by! 

Quote of the day: Of all that I have possessed in my life, my memories are the only things remaining to me. Indeed, I believe that memories are the only real treasure any human can hope to hold always. ~ Gary Jennings

It was another winner of a day on the farm. I felt like I was playing to beat the clock this morning, as I had to get my dad up, showered, dressed, and downstairs before the HVAC person arrived. Andrew came at 9:30am and did not leave until 1:45pm. It felt like an endless visit. When the new furnace was installed a week ago, the company installed a thermostat that was incompatible with my entire system. This is when I want to scream with technology! As there is a control panel inside and outside the house and they have to be able to talk to each other for the air conditioning to work. 

Andrew spent hours in the attic today and when the wiring and new thermostat were finally intact, we had to find a way to register this new system and to enable me to have control over the upstairs thermostat on my phone! I have learned that I do not let any tech leave my house unless I know I have control over the system. Why? Well for over one year, I did not have control over my thermostats! Which meant I got NO heat upstairs and downstairs was no better. In order to manage this problem, I had to have my HVAC company come over and totally reinstall the systems again, giving me access to my own heating and cooling apps. Today was just as confusing and we had to call the thermostat help line to work through the registration problem!

While managing Andrew, I was also on the phone with my health insurer. What should have been a simple call, turned out to be 40 minutes. I was juggling Shirley and Andrew simultaneously. Meanwhile as I was dealing with this, I was managing Foundation admin work, the laundry, my parents, and other problems. 

By 2pm, I was frazzled. It is hard to believe that two years ago, I really knew very little about how anything in the house worked. Now, I may not know how to repair something per se, but I can more intelligently diagnose the problem and get the help that we need. I remember when I used to go to therapy, the therapist would give me a lot of atta' girls! NOT HELPFUL! I didn't need the praise then and I don't need it NOW. What I do want, NO ONE CAN GIVE ME.... I just want my life back... to not face every day being the sole adult on duty and to be able to look forward to a future I had always imagined. 

Sunday, October 12, 2025

Sunday, October 12, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. This was Mattie's third month in his cancer treatment journey. By that time, all his psychosocial providers knew about his love for cardboard boxes and creating! His art therapists saved this big cardboard box for Mattie and over the entire month of October he worked on making a haunted house. Literally this box was decorated inside and out and had ghosts and witches and the inside was spooky! I am so grateful Mattie's hospital had an extensive art therapy program and I will never forget all the amazing women who helped Mattie have opportunities to be a child, NOT a child with cancer. 

Quote of the day: Memory is the sense of loss, and loss pulls us after it. ~ Marilynne Robinson

This morning, I was listening to the radio while getting myself dressed to start the day. The radio hosts were interviewing a singer by the name of Priscilla Block. Literally it was what she was saying that made me pause. She mentioned that she wanted to write a song (Things you didn't see) that actually depicted her, her life, and her journey. I do not know this singer, but apparently she is known as a party girl. Yet like so many us, if you don't scratch the surface, you are never going to know the depths of our foundational core. 

In the song she describes real struggles with her parents losing the family home, break ins to places she was living, dumpster diving to make a living, body image issues and the list goes on. Now clearly, if you did not know this about her, you would only see her successes. If you haven't heard the song, click on the image. 

Getting to know all facets of the people in our lives is crucial. It gives us better insights and perspectives into how they think and feel about things as well as how they make certain decisions for themselves. I have always been fascinated by people and learning about their lives and experiences. Yet I know not everyone shares this interest. 

Not everyone knows my story. Not everyone knows I lost a child to cancer, recently got divorced after a 35 year relationship, or that I am the full time caregiver to both of my parents. All of these experiences define me and how I live my life. I see the world through a lens of trauma and grief and frankly this can be lonely. It influences my ability to trust others, to want to spend time socializing, and having an inability to envision any sort of future. To me life is one big chore after the other, filled with bills, managing crises, and profound sadness. 

I think what Priscilla Block's song reminds us is that there are things we DO NOT see/know in those around us. If we pause and remind ourselves of this, we may actually become more patient, compassionate, and understanding for those around us.  

Saturday, October 11, 2025

Saturday, October 11, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. Mattie was five years old and was in his element here..... at a Fall Festival, outside, in nature, and surrounded by pumpkins. Here's the irony of all of this! Before I had Mattie, I wasn't a pumpkin fan. I truly did not like pumpkin muffins, pies, and cakes.... you get the picture. But since Mattie loved these big orange orbs and LOVED eating anything pumpkin, I grew to love it. Now of course, I love the color orange, I love everything pumpkin, and seeing any pumpkin reminds me of my special boy. 

Quote of the day: The mind replays what the heart can't delete. ~ Yasmin Mogahed

In addition to juggling my parents care this week, I was also concerned about my former mother in law. It is a dance to figure out what to call each other now. Since I can't legally call her my mother in law anymore, what do I call her? I could refer to her by her first name, to make things easy, but when talking to other people how do I describe our relationship? A former mother in law, sounds ridiculous to me, because we did not chose to sever our connection with one another. Any case, since I can't be called a daughter in law anymore, I have learned that I am now called..... a daughter! That brought a smile to my face. When I tell you that I literally was on her portal multiple times each day this week, trying to make sense of tests and data coming in, and then explaining it to her, I am not kidding. I know how scary it is to be sick and I also know how crucial it is for a health system to know that family and friends are paying attention.  

Since we are expecting non-stop rain for the next several days, I decided to spend some time in the backyard after I took my parents out for lunch. I was determined to transplant my five hibiscus and bring them inside for the winter. It is a labor of love, and I should really make it easier for myself and just keep the plants in the same pots that they spend the spring and summer in, but that is NOT what I do! So I have to gingerly dig them up without hurting the roots, to transplant them inside!

When Sunny died in 2024, I bought two beautiful SUNNY yellow hibiscus in his honor. I take these hibiscus in when it gets cold and of course they spend the summer outside, growing beautifully! 
 

These are two of the glorious Sunny hibiscus flowers! 

One of Sunny's hibiscus! You can see the huge terracotta pot it is housed in during the summer! I cut the plant back and spent time digging it up to transplant it.

One of the rooms in our house, which gets wonderful sunlight, is where I place all of my plants over the Fall and Winter. So as of tonight, five cuties are now inside. 

I have become a huge fan of hibiscus and bought three small pink ones this spring. They are growing so beautifully, that I decided to bring them inside for the winter. 

I have more to do outside to prepare for the colder weather months, but I am so happy I took on this task today. The weather was glorious and just too lovely to be inside. I find when I am outside and either digging or pulling weeds, I feel better. Or let's put it this way.... I forget about the numerous problems, stresses, and hurts in my life. It is a positive diversion and a pause from my usual existence. 

Friday, October 10, 2025

Friday, October 10, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. Mattie was five years old! Truthfully it was such a special age! Mattie loved his kindergarten, he had conquered his sensory integration issues and he was developing into an amazing little person. Mattie's teachers always described him as an 'old soul' and a very loyal friend. Quite a set of compliments at such a tender age. This was one of the many fall festival photos that I love! Mattie was in his element outside and I learned to appreciate these experiences. In all reality even the mundane was an adventure with Mattie!

Quote of the day: We do not remember days, we remember moments. ~ Cesare Pavese

For the past week, whenever I turn on the radio in the morning, I hear advertisements for the ballet, Onegin, playing at the Kennedy Center. Before I moved to this house, we lived in Foggy Bottom, and the Kennedy Center was our next door neighbor! Truthfully it was the best location, as I LOVED going to the theatre. This is one of the many things I had to say good-bye to when I moved to the suburbs. As attending the ballet and musicals was something that to me made life worth living. 

When we first moved to DC in 1994 (from Boston), I wanted to get a ballet subscription. We had one in Boston, and I wanted to continue to support this amazing art form. Anyone who is familiar with getting a subscription knows its a game. The first several years, you can not get the seats you want, which for me were front and center. You have to get into the system and work your way to these seats. When we left Boston, I was saddened because I had to say good-bye to our amazing seats (that took years to get) and the Boston Ballet. Up until that point, I have always lived in a city that had its own ballet company. Washington, DC is a bit different. Instead they bring in companies from all over the USA and internationally. 

I will never forget the Boston Ballet performed Eugene Onegin. It was part of our ballet subscription that year. Honestly I had never heard of it, to me it sounded obscure. That was until I saw it! It is a ballet that in my opinion is rarely performed. Which is unfortunate. I have only seen it once in my lifetime, but it made such an impression on me, that I said to myself..... if it ever comes my way again, we have to see it.... and here it is at the Kennedy Center. Given my caregiving circumstances, I am not going to see it, and then of course all I can remember is who I shared my ballet subscriptions with and.... that saddens me to the core. 

Onegin is the timeless story of FIRST LOVE and LOST LOVE! A story that actually is even more poignant for me now. Onegin is based on Alexander Pushkin's novel Eugene Onegin. The story follows the unrequited love of Tatiana for the cynical aristocrat Onegin, who rejects her, flirts with her sister Olga, and kills Olga's fiancé, Lensky, in a duel. Years later, a now-sophisticated Tatiana rejects the lovesick Onegin, making for a tragic tale of love at the wrong time.

I mention Onegin, because if it comes to your neck of the woods.... go see it! It is unforgettable and I deeply admire the dedication, incredible discipline, and the countless hours of practice dancers put into this art form. I guess I have a soft spot for ballet because my mom enrolled me in both ballet and tap when I was probably five years old. By the time I was in middle school, I was practicing ballet three or four times of week in NY City. I trained at the American Ballet Theatre and in 9th grade even won (through a competition) a four year college scholarship to study modern dance at SUNY Purchase. Dancing was a big part of my life and one I loved sharing with my other half. 

However, even something as lovely as dance, has been clouded over in my mind and heart. Now when I hear an innocent commercial on the radio for the ballet, what happens is I see my life flash before my eyes and I just can't believe the tragic tale is NOT something I am watching BUT instead living.  

Thursday, October 9, 2025

Thursday, October 9, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. I will never forget this trip to Baltimore, MD. We took Mattie to the Inner Harbor to attend a train museum and then go out to lunch. It was the weekend before his first limb salvaging surgery. We were all very stressed out and nervous. Of course no trip was ever complete without Legos and constructing. What he was holding was what Mattie put together while having lunch. Even looking at this photo now, I can feel the tension that was on our faces and truly once the surgeries came into Mattie's life, things were never the same. Chemotherapy was hard, but surgeries were brutal. As they impacted Mattie's ability to ambulate, dress himself, toilet himself, and be a child. With cancer, each step of the way, we faced losses. Some times there were daily losses, and other times, the hits came every hour or minute. 

Quote of the day: ...what happens when you return, and find nothing but a hollowed shell, shingles and floor, walls and echoes and the light that lead you here has now burned out and the ones who built it have traveled afar and you cant go to them, no matter what shoes you wear. ~ Kellie Elmore

This morning was my usual trifecta.... Indie NOT using her litter box, soiled linens to clean, and my dad having a bout of irritable bowel syndrome in the shower. Truly after these three things, I have a feeling most people would be taking to bed. For me these are regular occurrences, in which I have to deal with it and move forward. But I am human and there are times I ask myself.... why don't I have a better life? Or at least a life when those closest to me actually appreciated and respected me. 

I looked out the window this morning and saw this! Do you see it?? Sitting under the tree! NO it is not a dog, NO it is not a cat.... try a fox. Like our deer, I also love foxes. But I am cognizant that foxes typically do not hang around like this during the day. I got my binoculars out to examine his coat and he did not look sickly. So I gave it time and figured maybe he was sunning himself! I have had to call animal control in the past when we had a fox with mange. I assure you it is daunting to see animal control show up at your door with a rifle. Thankfully this fellow moved along today and I literally breathed a sigh of relief. If Sunny were around, there would be NO FOXES on the lawn at all. Sunny was the master of the house and roamed and patrolled the property beautifully! I can't tell you how many deer and fox Sunny chased while living here! Sunny has been gone over a year, and I still miss his presence daily!

This afternoon, after my dad's visit to the podiatrist, I took my parents out for lunch. We visit this restaurant every Thursday. I know about six to seven servers there and several come to chat with me each week. One of the servers today was talking to me about the holidays. He wanted to know if we were going away or how we are celebrating them. This fellow doesn't know that my life is a train wreck, so instead of answering the question, I turned it back on him. Something I will typically do if I do not want to answer a question. He told me that he spends Thanksgiving and Christmas alone. He works the day before and the day after every holiday, making it impossible for him to travel and celebrate with family. Honestly hearing this made me so so sad. I never like hearing about anyone being alone, and especially on the holidays. There are times I ask myself.... what will my life look like if my parents are no longer alive? This is not something I like thinking about, because when they die, I feel like I have nothing left. But today, I thought to myself, perhaps holidays will be a time where I pull everyone who is alone together, as NO ONE should ever be alone.