Wednesday, November 4, 2026

Wednesday, November 4, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. Mattie had completed his second limb salvaging surgery. Which meant that two arms and a leg were operated on by that point. Which was why Mattie's left leg and foot, the only appendage that was cancer free, acted like an arm and hand! The left leg was given the name, Curious George. It was the perfect name for this leg and foot, because when nurses would come up to Mattie, he would use Curious George to explore their pockets. Truly Mattie was humorous and made the best out of such challenging situations. As you can see Mattie was using Curious George to operate the mouse on the computer. 

Quote of the day: It's so curious; One can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. ~ Colette

Last night, I was cooking dinner and juggling multiple things, and my phone rang. It was my health insurance agent. I connected with her in June and she promised to call me back in October. October came and went, and I did not hear from her. So instead, I started doing my own homework on this health insurer's website, in order to pick a plan to start on January 1. Why do I have to do this? Because my current insurer is canceling all individual plans throughout the country on December 31. This of course has not made me happy, because I like my insurer, they have been very easy to work with, and I just went through this process in 2024, with my divorce. I just can't believe I am back to the drawing board at finding a health plan. 

Yesterday, I was about to sign the dotted line with the new health insurance plan that I put in my portal, but then I realized I had questions that only a HUMAN could answer. So I called the sales office, and they asked whether I was assigned an agent. I told him, YES but she isn't returning my calls or emails. So he recorded this feedback and sent an email to the agent, copying her supervisor. Which was why at 7pm, my phone rang! It was Pam.

It was not the best hour to talk to Pam, but I did pick up! Pam started to tell me that her insurance company doesn't cover my geographic location. I literally stopped her mid-talking and told her, she was wrong! I told her I went on-line, answered all the geography questions, and my city is part of their network. She kept saying no, I kept saying yes! I then told her she was plugging in the wrong address! Mind you, she lived in Thousand Oaks, CA. A place I know well! I knew more about where she lived, than she knew about me!

Any case, after we finished with the NO, YES game, she eventually understood that I was right. But she consulted her supervisor first! Bottom line, she doesn't understand why I am so anxious and proactive about seeking a plan now! She told me that I have until December to make this decision, otherwise, I will be paying for two health plans at the same time. I then explained to her that I am divorced, that I have been through a countless number of stressors, which I am still facing, and losing my health insurance is more than enough to push over my apple cart. She then asked me why I wasn't applying through the ACA marketplace! Great question, but do you know that you have to actually earn money, in order to qualify for insurance through the marketplace? So I had to explain my financial situation to her... divorced, no alimony, full time caregiver to two parents, and run a Foundation for 17 years, in which I do not take a salary! The more she learned about me, the more I could see she was connecting the dots to my very difficult situation. 

By the time I finished with Pam, she told me she wished more of her customers were like me. Because apparently most people wait until the 10th hour. NOT HAPPENING with my health insurance, given how expensive medicine and health crises are, there is NO WAY, I will risk not being covered for even a day. Any case, she will be calling me back after doing a little more investigation about my options. When I got off the phone with her, I felt OVERWHELMED. ANGRY, and very upset that I should be left dealing with all of this on my own. 

Then this morning, after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, the song, Religiously, came on the radio. If you haven't heard it, it is below. But it describes me, a person who loves religiously. Since Bailey Zimmerman is singing about it, there are clearly many others out there like me!

Tuesday, November 3, 2026

Tuesday, November 3, 2026 -- Mattie died 870 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2006. Mattie was four years old. That year, Mattie was a calico cat for Halloween. We created this costume together. Ironically, we assembled this costume in 2005, but unfortunately Mattie was hospitalized that Halloween with sepsis. So we saved the costume for 2006 (thanks to it being a sweatsuit material, it still fit him!). I will never forget October of 2005, I had taken Mattie to see his pediatrician, and I told her I felt Mattie had an ear infection. She dismissed me, thought I was an over anxious parent, and said his ears were fine. Not even 24 hours later, Mattie was running a high fever and vomiting profusely. We took him in through the emergency room. By that point, Mattie had sepsis and they determined the sepsis was from an ear infection. Mattie was admitted to the hospital and during his admission his pediatrician actually came to visit him in the hospital. She apologized to me, because basically she wasn't listening to me during the office visit. Needless to say, after that moment, whenever I came in reporting a health problem, I was taken seriously. 

Quote of the day: Grief is just love with no place to go. ~ Jamie Anderson

This morning, I had an appointment with my arborist. The house is surrounded by trees and they need constant grooming and maintenance. So literally we walked the property and we discussed tree limbs and other issues that could potentially be a problem as winter approaches. I also have my landscaping company blow leaves out of the gutters and roof line every November. I had a one page list of things I needed help with this Fall. I have known this person since 2021, when we moved into the house. I am so grateful that I always took an interest in getting to know each service provider for our home. I just did not turf it off to my other half. This was a blessing, because once I became separated, the relationship with all these men was already established. To me this is crucial, because I have to know I can trust that whatever is being told to me is accurate and that someone isn't trying to get me to pay for something I do not need. 

Since 2023, I have maintained this house alone. With each service provider, I have gotten to know about their interests and family. Literally it is like we pick up in conversation where we left off in the previous season. So many of my service providers tell me they can't understand why anyone would leave me, and today's visit I was reminded that I am an excellent listener and that I truly care about the lives of those I interact with. Needless to say that meant a lot to me.

My parents were very tired today. So before I took them out for frozen yogurt, I had them resting. While they were resting, I did some gardening and then sat outside on the porch with my kitty sidekick to return emails. Indie just LOVES outdoor time. I can still picture my other half sitting on this same couch with Indie. I am not sure my mind will ever accept that I am single. I lived more of my life married, then single. Therefore, getting divorced feels like someone severed off one of my limbs. Can I learn to live without this limb? Sure, these three years prove it. Do I like living without this limb? NO!  

Monday, November 2, 2026

Monday, November 2, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on Halloween of 2002. It was Mattie's first Halloween. He was only 6 months old, and had no idea what Halloween was all about. However, right from day one, he gravitated to those beautiful orange orbs! He was a pumpkin lover and I can't think of a pumpkin now without reflecting on my own little pumpkin!

Quote of the day: Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. ~ Joan Didion

After dropping my dad off this morning, I came back home, picked up my mom and we drove to the city for haircuts. I am sure I could get this service done closer to my home, but I don't! I return to my home turf of Foggy Bottom, in Washington, DC. Naturally driving there reminds me of how different my life used to be! If I could only turn back the clock, and if I knew what I know now, I would NEVER have moved to Virginia. 

Once I got my haircut and my nails done, the ladies in the salon were talking and they told my mom that they have a beautiful daughter. Not just physically but a woman with an amazing heart. I told them that meant a lot to me, because being left behind, has impacted every aspect of my life. 

After the salon, I took my mom to Starbuck's for tea. As you know, I know everyone who works there! They knew immediately that I had my hair done and they were very kind with their compliments. While I was sitting down, my friend in England asked how my haircut went (as she knows I hate getting my haircut). So I snapped her this photo! I actually hate seeing my photos now. I can feel how tired I am by looking at them and you can see my headaches reflected in my eyes, as it is hard to open them appropriately.

Today is Mattie Miracle's 17th birthday! It is hard to believe that we have been in existence that long. I am not sure what is more sobering.... the fact that I have been doing this for 17 years, or that Mattie has been dead longer than he ever was alive. 

In October, Xavier Silas, reached out to me. Xavier is the Associate Head Basketball Coach at Virginia Military Institute. Xavier created "Pinned with Purpose." At each home game, he will be featuring a non-profit based in Virginia. He selected Mattie Miracle to be the first charity to be acknowledged in the season. As you can see, he wore our Mattie Miracle awareness pin on his jacket and Mattie Miracle will be featured today at the game! As I told Xavier, I don't believe in coincidences, we were supposed to be connected! The first game just happened to fall on November 2, the Foundation's birthday! What are the chances of that?

I also received this photo today of undergraduate students from Georgetown University working on creating snack kits for our hospital cart. The students donated 35 kits filled with chips, candy, cookies, and granola bars. Each kit will provide snacks for a family of four people. What I also love is that the students wrote notes of encouragement and created art work on the kit bags that reflected the Fall season.  

Mattie Miracle has accomplished a lot in 17 years, and though I do not have a penny to show for it in my own bank account, I believe that success can't be measured by money, but instead by the difference you make in the lives of others. Another fact, we started a Wishes program in 2022, after our board member, Margy, died from ovarian cancer. A wish grants children $1,000 for an activity, trip, or item. In four years, we have awarded $90,000 worth of wishes and counting. We do not have to advertise our wish program, families and social workers are finding out about us through word of mouth! I think Margy would be proud, and I am honored that we can help children at all phases of their journey make lasting memories with their families. 

Sunday, November 1, 2026

Sunday, November 1, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on Halloween of 2004. Mattie was two and half and by this point he understood the whole notion of Halloween. Though that said, Mattie disliked candy, therefore, he wasn't as eager as other kids to go and collect it! Unlike Mattie, I am all about the sugar. We were the perfect team...because at birthday parties and other celebrations when Mattie was handed cake to eat, he literally would bring it to me because he did not want it. 

That year, Mattie and I went to Target and we picked out this cute Winnie the Pooh sweatsuit. We loved Pooh stories and to me Mattie will always be the cutest Pooh around. 

Quote of the day: God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December. ~ J.M. Barrie

This morning, after my usual routine, I went outside and disassembled my pumpkin inflatable and set up my Thanksgiving turkey. One would think this would take about ten minutes! Not for me, it took me an hour. As I had to clean off the mud from the stakes that were holding down the pumpkin and then I wrapped the ropes and stakes independently this year, in hopes that next year, when I take the pumpkin out of storage, I will not have an octopus of ropes to separate apart. I experienced that this year, and I literally was ready to flip out. 

My former mother-in-law established this tradition for us. I would never have thought about purchasing an inflatable for the yard. But she sent us our first pumpkin inflatable in 2021, and since then I love seeing one in the front flower bed. I try to display an inflatable in this position for all the seasonal holidays! 

This weekend, I have also been focused on finalizing the Foundation's holiday letter that goes out to our steadfast supporters. The holiday letter was something I always worked on with my other half. So literally I think this letter was triggering for me this weekend. It put me in a terrible mood, because it is a reminder that I now do this work alone. The mass mailing is a large undertaking, but I try to do it in stages during the week of Thanksgiving. 

As always, I took my parents out to brunch today. While at the restaurant, we found out that one of the servers who we love, just got promoted to a manager. So he came over to chat with us while we were eating. I thoroughly appreciated having a person to converse with and we talked about all sorts of things. He is a foodie too, so we had a good time talking about foods and desserts. He even gave me a piece of pumpkin cheesecake to take home! However, while helping my parents to the car, my dad had an irritable bowel accident. Most days I handle it, but tonight's incident set me over the edge. I literally had a meltdown. Dealing with these irritable bowel episodes are debilitating and it is a literally reminder of how awful my life is, yet Vicki is always supposed to be the mature and responsible one, and take on every one's issues. Well tonight, for about ten minutes, you would have concluded that Vicki is going to have a breakdown. Of course in my head is the constant dialogue...... I never signed up to do ANY of this alone! I am not sure who I have ticked off up there..... but to lose a child and then to lose a spouse in the worst way possible, is enough to make me feel like I am going crazy. 

Saturday, October 31, 2026

Saturday, October 31, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old and that year, we went to Target together and picked out this pumpkin sweatsuit. Mattie loved the color orange (which is why Mattie Miracle's color is ORANGE) and whatever Mattie wore had to be soft to the touch. Making sweatsuit material.... perfect. Mattie was the cutest pumpkin and back then, I thought we were going to have many, many more years together. No child should die before his parent!

Quote of the day: Betrayal is not a single act, but a crack in the mirror of loyalty, reflecting shards of shattered trust. ~ Andrew Pacholyk

I had trouble going to sleep last night. Each stage of my divorce, I learn something new about my former life that just makes me pause. As I just can't believe I thought I had such a solid, loving, and trusting marriage, and yet, what I thought was actually all wrong. Today, is the second anniversary of my divorce. YES, my divorce became official on Halloween of 2024. Two years may sound like a long time, but for me, it has been like a blink of an eye. A bad blink at that! These two years will never wipe out our 35 years together. 

Given that I went to bed close to 2am, and got up at 7:30am, I am very tired. I was moving in slow motion this morning, with a migraine on top of my distraught state. While cleaning my kitchen, my door bell rang. It was my neighbor, who came to give me a hug. Even my neighbors are upset and saddened for me, and they so want for me to have a happier, better, and more stable life. As I told my neighbor, I wish I was the kind of person, who could easily close an emotional door and move on. Unfortunately I am not that type of person, which is why the way I was left couldn't have been crueler. Any case, I could not chat long with my neighbor, because I still had to get my dad up for the day, get him showered and dressed, and downstairs. Not to mention today was laundering of bed linens day! 

It was another hard irritable bowel syndrome day for my dad. Fortunately for him, he remembers nothing, and therefore isn't embarrassed or upset by his accidents. My dad thinks it is commonplace and I should have no problem working around the clock to meet his needs. This is another aspect of Alzheimer's that is so debilitating for caregivers, because the disease makes a person completely absorbed in their own needs, with a total disregard for those around them.

I spent a portion of the day working on Mattie Miracle's holiday letter, which has to get to the printers next week in order for me to work on the mass mailing over Thanksgiving. But truthfully today, I was livid. Livid because I want to know why I have to always be the responsible one? I did not walk away from my marriage, I did not abandon Mattie's memory and his Foundation, and I certainly did not walk away from my parent's 24/7 care. That just isn't me, which is why I can't imagine someone else doing this to a loved one! Would I like a day off? YES! Would I love help with the Foundation and someone next to me just as invested in it as me? YES! Would I love someone looking out for my best interest while I am fully absorbed in caring for my parents? YES! I have a lot of questions, but that is all it is..... words! Words, because what I actually want is never going to happen. 

Divorced for two years! My brain just can't process this, as I dated for 6 years, and was married for 29 years! The best years of my life were given to someone who did not deserve my love, support, and undying loyalty.   

Friday, October 30, 2026

Friday, October 30, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on Halloween of 2008. This was our last Halloween with Mattie. I will never forget this day. Earlier in that day, Mattie went to the hospital and participated in their Halloween activities and hallway trick or treating. In the evening, we went over to Zachary's home (Mattie's best preschool friend) to trick or treat. When I tell you that I learned a lot from these two boys, I am not kidding. Keep in mind they were six years old. Mattie already had his first limb salvaging surgery and was moving around gingerly. Which was why he chose a mummy costume, to hide his right arm. Any case, that evening, the boys went trick or treating with several of Zachary's neighbors. The other kids were getting annoyed with Mattie, because he was moving slowly and preventing them from visiting more houses to collect candy. In no uncertain terms, the other kids encouraged Zachary to ditch Mattie! I understood the kids' perspective, but I of course, empathized with how Mattie was feeling. With the pressure the kids were putting on Zachary, it would have made sense if he left Mattie behind and went along with the others. But that is NOT what happened! Instead, Zachary stayed with Mattie and he told the other kids to move along without him. This whole evening will be permanently etched in my mind. After collecting candy, we went back to Zachary's house and the kids examined and sorted their candy! Since Mattie wasn't into chocolate or most candy, Mattie shared a great deal of it with Zachary and Zachary gave Mattie all the lollipops and salted (crackers, popcorn, etc) treats (things Mattie liked). They were quite a pair!

Quote of the day: There is a vastness to grief that overwhelms our minuscule selves. We are tiny, trembling clusters of atoms subsumed within grief’s awesome presence. It occupies the core of our being and extends through our fingers to the limits of the universe. ~ Nick Cave

I got up very early this morning because I had Paul, my heating and cooling specialist, coming over to do his annual check on my furnaces. All I know is these check ups are never easy. I registered that Paul was in the basement for 90 minutes today! NOT A GOOD SIGN, because I know I have one older furnace left in the house that will eventually need to be replaced. Given that I just paid off last year's furnace replacement, I really did not want to take on another one this year! Thankfully Paul kept at it and there was a connection issue, which had nothing to do with the health of the furnace! The first Friday blessing, I don't need a new furnace yet. 

While Paul was here, my former student and now friend, Ariel, came to visit with her 17 month old, Sawyer. The last time I saw Ariel, she was pregnant! Put this into context, Ariel was an undergraduate student of mine, and the course she took with me was child development. Ironic, no? I honestly couldn't remember what year I taught Ariel, and she reminded me that it was in 2006. Twenty years? How is this possible? I literally was a kid myself back then. Does this make me feel old, or older? The answer is NO! Want to know why? Because in many ways, I stopped counting my years after Mattie died. My life is frozen back in 2009! 

The one thing I did feel from today was energy! There is nothing like being around a young child. Children are innocent, love exploring the world around them, and they are not tarnished by life. Sawyer brought life into our house today and both my mom and I felt the same way. 

Another thing I know is that I was able to relate to this cutie, thanks to my own cutie. Mattie really was a great teacher! Through him I learned about the beauty and challenges of raising a boy. Boys have an inordinate amount of energy, they are busy, and absorb everything around them. So much of Sawyer today reminded me of Mattie. 

Sawyer loved my dining room door and he got sheer joy opening and closing it, and we all got a great deal of happiness playing along with him. 

What an adorable face! I just started snapping photos and I happened to capture this one. I love it.... angelic and yet inquisitive! 

Ariel, Sawyer, and me! It was a lovely visit, we had lunch together, and can you believe this little guy even knows 50 words!? Remarkable and he even could say, Vicki! 

Ariel brought me a New York treat from Levain Bakery. Look at the size of these cookies! Believe it or not, my mom and I consumed one today and it was a delicious autumn treat. There are many things I miss about New York, and one of them is the FOOD!

Later this afternoon, after sorting through donated items from the Foundation's drive, I decided to put up Halloween cut outs by our front door. Normally I just tape the cut outs to the windows. But today, Sawyer energized me, and I got out several pieces of orange paper and glued my cut outs to the paper. I love covering my door windows on Halloween. I am not sure why, but I do know that I appreciate the decorations that also provide me with some privacy. 

Thursday, October 29, 2026

Thursday, October 29, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. Mattie was five years old. That weekend we took him to Butler's Orchard. It had the best Fall Festival, because families would ride on wagons and be driven out to the fields, filled with vines and pumpkins. It was very special to see how a pumpkin grew and it gave you a full nature experience as you picked out your own pumpkin. Mattie absolutely loved this farm and all the Fall themed activities they showcased.

Quote of the day: They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite. ~ Cassandra Clare

It was a whirlwind of a day today, that entailed every chore possible. My dad did not have physical therapy today, which he typically does on Thursdays, so this gave me time to go grocery shopping, to the gas station, and the bank. I then came home and had to fully change my dad, as my mom is unable to toilet him. 

A surprise to my week, is one of my students is coming to visit me and my mom tomorrow and she is bringing her son with her. It will be the first time I am meeting the little fellow who is almost a year and a half old. A priceless age! Ariel was a student of mine at the George Washington University, she had the opportunity to meet Mattie, and has been a steadfast supporter of me and the Foundation over these 17 years! A remarkable person, and she is a nurse too. A profession that means so much to me, as nurses are a patient's psychosocial first responder! 

I wanted to find a few things for the little guy to play with tomorrow. I pulled out Mattie's lunch box of hot wheel cars, his stacking cups, and these animal cards. Mattie absolutely loved these things, and I washed each one today with warm soap and water. 

I haven't seen these animal cards in YEARS! In fact, when I took them out of the closet, they weren't working. I opened up its battery compartment and the batteries were corroded. I cleaned the compartment with white vinegar, changed the batteries and it is back to being operational. Literally you slide the cards into the gadget and it reads the letter and the animal's name. When I tell you that on car rides, we went through these cards over and over, I am not kidding!

While grocery shopping today, the store had a section for children. A place I would have visited no doubt if Mattie were with me. Normally though I zoom right passed that aisle, but today I wandered in and found this Eric Carle (you know the author of the Hungry Caterpillar--- a Mattie favorite) Halloween book (which has movable pieces on each page!) and a Duplo's Farm Lego set. Mattie was known to be the king of the Legos, so I passing along Mattie's love. 

Wednesday, October 28, 2026

Wednesday, October 28, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on Halloween of 2007. That year, Mattie chose to be an Air Force pilot. I remember going costume shopping with Mattie, which was a big deal, because all prior years, I either made Mattie's costume, or he wore some sort of sweat suit material themed Halloween costume. But in 2007, we actually went to a costume store. At the store, they had an army uniform. So I bought it and my friend who was a retired Air Force Lt. Colonel sent me several Air Force patches to sew into the costume. That evening, we went over to our next door neighbor's home. As you can see John and Goli got dressed up for Mattie. They loved Mattie and that wonderful hat that Goli was wearing was later gifted to me! To this day, I still have her hat, which she wanted me to use on future Halloweens with Mattie. Unfortunately the following year, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: What they never tell you about grief is that missing someone is the simple part. ~ Gail Caldwell

I dropped my dad off at his memory care center this morning and ran back home to take my mom to the Department of Motor Vehicles. The DMV near our home is wonderful. It is well run, honors appointments, and every one there is professional and courteous. I tried to plan everything out.... I filled out my mom's licensure renewal, I told her that they would give her an eye test, and I knew there was going to be a $20 fee. The whole process went smoothly from start to finish. A night and day difference from the DMV in our former Washington, DC neighborhood. After we finished up at the counter, my mom and I moved aside so the representative could help other customers. I had my mom work on putting back her ID in her purse which is attached to her waist. When she opened up the purse, I immediately knew something was missing! My mom has two cases. One case in purple and has her Driver's license, insurance cards, and credit cards, and the other blue case holds my dad's real ID, all his insurance cards, and two credit cards. That blue case was missing! At first I thought she moved it to a different zipper fold of the purse. NOPE! I literally tore the purse apart and didn't find the blue case. That was when I absolutely panicked. I was bordering on distraught and my mom was shaking like a leaf. 

I literally couldn't deal with her confusion and anxiety and told her we had to get home so that I could locate that blue case. While in the car, my mom then accused me of taking the blue case and that I am the one who misplaced it! Seriously for about two minutes, I was getting sucked into her delusion! Then I quickly reviewed in my mind my last couple of days, and I confirmed in my head that I did not take, use, or hold the blue case! When I encouraged my mom to think about the case, she literally had NO IDEA what happened to it or when she last saw it. Given that my dad is a frequent flier at the emergency room, I always need access to his ID and insurance cards. So I was NOT happy. 

When I got back home, I literally looked in all my mom's drawers, on the desk, and her nightstand. I couldn't find the blue case. I then kept thinking! I then considered that perhaps it fell out of her purse while at home. She sits on the couch, so maybe it was there or within the couch pillows. I tore the couch apart, and unfortunately no blue case. I then went back upstairs and went through her nightstand again. However, while going through the drawers, I decided to look under her side of the bed. Sure enough there were pens and the blue case under the bed. As I have mentioned before, my mom is glued to Facebook. She can get lost on her device for hours, causing her to forget to get herself ready in time for appointments or to even pay attention to what she is doing or what is around her. I surmise that while at her bedside, she was looking at her phone, put the purse on the bed, it may have fallen and its contents landed up under the bed. But my mom was oblivious to the contents falling out or that they were even missing. 

After I found the blue case, I then went through both her case and my dad's. I removed all credit cards and secured them away, as I do not want my mom to be dropping credit cards. My parents also had duplicate copies of their health insurance cards. I took the duplicates, so that I always have access to these cards. When I tell you that it was a morning of sheer panic, I am not kidding, and the sad part is it reminds me that I am the only one of sound mind living in my house. It is scary, daunting, and overwhelming to live with such heavy responsibilities alone!

Tuesday, October 27, 2026

Tuesday, October 27, 2026 -- Mattie died 869 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. If Mattie was in clothes, then I know it was a hospital admission day! Otherwise, when in the hospital, Mattie refused to change out of pajamas. I learned to go with it. As you can see, Mattie was working on a plate of spaghetti. Mattie went through various food phases. That one was spaghetti. Not just any pasta, it had to be spaghetti with tomato sauce. Living in a hospital, getting access to what Mattie wanted on demand, was close to impossible. Thankfully we had Team Mattie, who seemed to rise to the occasion and meet every possible request we had. The one beautiful thing about Mattie's journey that I will never forget. 

Quote of the day: When someone you love dies, and you’re not expecting it, you don’t lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time – the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes – when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she’s gone, forever – there comes another day, and another specifically missing part. ~ John Irving

This morning I had to take my dad to his foot doctor. Why? Because Medicare pays for shoes once a year for diabetic patients. Sounds good! Until you go through the process! It is labor intensive and mind numbing. My dad has had diabetes for decades, yet Medicare requires that my dad see his primary care doctor thirty days before we apply for shoes from the podiatrist, to document diabetes! Seriously???? Do they think that my dad will have a miraculous recovery from diabetes? Mind you, when my dad sees his primary care doctor, it can't be virtual, he must go to the office to have a live appointment with the doctor. Which is more labor intensive work for the caregiver. If we do not comply and complete this primary care visit, then my dad's feet can't be measured by the podiatrist to start the shoe request process. I deal with this vicious cycle yearly. 

My dad met with his primary care doctor in August. After that appointment the clock starts ticking..... as we have thirty days from that diabetes check to see the foot doctor. Of course, it has to be a dedicated shoe measurement appointment, we can't see the foot doctor for other things during that visit! But here is the kicker, when the shoes come in, my dad now has to come to the office to try on the shoes and sign the paperwork. I can no longer go into the office on my own to pick up the shoes. So to put this into context, I have been working on his shoe application since August. We finally went to the office to pick up the shoes today. Medicare has NO REGARD for what it is like to schlep a 91 year old from one medical appointment to the next just to get and try on shoes. I honestly do not know how older adults manage any of this without an adult child on the scene. Today, I decided to use a wheelchair to get my dad into the podiatrist office. Without fail, when my dad goes to this doctor office, he typically has an irritable bowel incident. I was in no mood for this today! By placing my dad in a wheelchair, there was less movement for him, and we made it without an accident. 

Sure enough though, as soon as we got home to pick up my mom, the accident happened. All I know is I may never be able to smell again. My life is regulated by cleaning products, because if I did not use them, the smells in the house would be over the top. I refuse to live in an environment that smells like a nursing home or assisted living facility. So I am constantly cleaning.... in fact it is how I start and end each day. 

In the midst of everything else I was juggling today, I went back on-line to figure out my own health insurance. Cigna has canceled my plan as of December 31. Not just me, but anyone in the country who has an independent plan that is not part of their employment or part of the healthcare marketplace. I loved my plan, but I have had to be very proactive about this because being without insurance scares me to no end, given the incredible cost of healthcare. Any case, as soon as the calendar turns over to November, with open enrollment, I will be addressing this problem. I have done my research and have a plan and insurer picked out. What I would like to know is will there ever be a day that I will not be juggling an issue, a problem, or a crisis? The answer is probably not! This is one of the many things that I attribute to my divorce. I will never forget this time in my life, I will never forget what I have had to navigate on my own, nor will I ever forget the feeling of being discarded, under valued, and forgotten. For some things, my mind is like a steel trap. 

Monday, October 26, 2026

Monday, October 26, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was home recovering from his first limb salvaging surgery. This wooden ramp was built outside our apartment entrance in order to accommodate Mattie's wheelchair. Our complex even put a ramp for Mattie by the entrance to the building. We truly had a network of people looking out for us and here's the funny part of all of this.... I have no idea where these pumpkins came from. I certainly do not remember buying them, so my hunch was someone from Team Mattie gave them to us, and Mattie put them outside out door! Which was why I snapped a photo of him with them. Mattie was my pumpkin fan, and thanks to him I now love all things pumpkin.

Quote of the day: Sometimes all you can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart. ~ William C. Hannan

I woke up this morning not feeling good. My stomach was bothering me, but whether I am feeling good or bad, the show must go on. So I pushed through the pain, but I was moving slower than usual today. After I got my dad showered, dressed, had breakfast, and to his memory care center, I came home, managed the laundry and then went to the backyard. Given how I was feeling, I needed fresh air and to move around. I spent two hours outside cutting back roses for the winter. 

In the two brown clay pots are oak trees. These trees grew from acorns. The acorns came from a tree right outside our apartment in Washington, DC. Mattie loved that oak tree! Why? Because it was the only oak near us and we needed those leaves to help feed Mattie's tent caterpillars every spring (trust me they ate nothing else!). When we moved to Virginia, we took the acorns with us and planted them. They are a tribute to my Mattie and his love of acorns and oaks!

It was a glorious 70 degree today. By this time last year, I had already winterized our hose bibs and put the hoses in the garage for the winter. But not this year. Today, I was outside watering plants and it felt like spring. As you can see, leaves are everywhere. 

When we moved into the house in 2021, there were all sorts of things decorating the backyard. Most of which we piled up and threw out. But what I could see in my mind was terracotta pots lined with roses, so my other half made that happen. Today, I trimmed back those roses and shaped them. 

I absolutely love roses. That said, do you think they are my favorite flower? NO! Most people do not know what my favorite flower is, but it is a gardenia. In my parent's house in Los Angeles, they had several gardenia plants. They thrived in that soil and climate. They aren't happy here in Virginia, so I don't even bother planting them. But when I was in high school, I remember receiving a gardenia corsage. Mind you, I can't recall who gave it to me, or what the occasion was, all I remember is the flower and its intoxicating fragrance. To me the gardenia is about understated and pure beauty. 

That said, when we moved into the house, there were many flower beds in need of repair or to be re-imagined. This area was just such an area! My other half transformed it into a rose garden for me. Today I went outside and cut back all the roses. There is so much vegetation, that I literally take it one parcel at a time. I manage so much in the house, and now that I have done it for three years, I have the timing on things inside and out. But these 70 degree fall days are a blessing, because there are many moments when I am so overwrought, overwhelmed, and distraught that the only thing that works for me is to get outside, breathe in fresh air and work in the garden.