Wednesday, October 1, 2025

Wednesday, October 1, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2002. Mattie was six months old! We were outside on our deck. As you can tell from Mattie's expression.... he was NOT happy! What wasn't he happy about? His stroller! I can't tell you how many strollers we bought, in hopes we would find one Mattie could tolerate! It never happened. Mattie hated to be confined to a stroller. He did mind his car seat ironically, but strollers were NOT his mode of transportation!!! No amount of toys and gadgets helped the situation either. 

Quote of the day: The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared. ~ Lois Lowry

This morning, I dropped my dad off at his memory care center and then I decided I better go grocery shopping because on Friday the HVAC people are coming to inspect my system for its annual Fall check up! These HVAC checks make me neurotic, because I know they are going to tell me that the upstairs furnace will need replacing. They have been warning me about this, but as I told them I can only handle one furnace replacement at a time. Around 18 months ago, I had to replace a furnace, and this month, that thing will finally be paid off! Just in time for the next big hit! Any case, I am very nervous about Friday. In all reality, October is going to be a difficult month with renovations from the flood and don't get me started on the pool leak!

While at the grocery store, I noticed they reduced the price of pumpkins. Rather ironic, since to me October if pumpkin season. So as you can see I bought two! Pumpkins remind me of Mattie! He loved these orange orbs, and Mattie loved eating anything made from pumpkin. Which is funny because before Mattie came along, I disliked the taste of pumpkin. Mattie changed that for me! I always used to buy things in threes, symbolic of my threesome. Now I buy for two.... symbolic of mom and Mattie!

The fall wreath on the door, I created from scratch in 2021, after we moved into the house. I remember how excited I was that we lived so close to a crafts store. Something I always loved doing! I remember Fall of 2021, I came home from the store and designed this wreath on my kitchen island, with a glue gun in hand (Mattie would have been proud!). Any case, I store this wreath and it comes out every Fall. What I do know is if this wreath could talk, it would be talking about happier moments within my house! 

Later this afternoon, I had another bank appointment. Not about my personal accounts but about the Foundation. I swear between yesterday and today, my head is spinning. But with each meeting, I learn more and more, and get better at knowing what questions to ask. 

I really can't describe what my days look like, you would have to observe me to see that I rarely have a minute to myself, I am constantly juggling issues, needs, and problems. The other day I was talking to one of Mattie's doctors. She and so many people are worried about me and wanted to do something nice for me. Such as a spa certificate or tickets to see the Song of Music. At one point in my life, I would have thought either of those things sounded lovely. Now, nothing interests me, NOT a thing. As I told her, the best I can do is stick to my daily schedule and routine. I find deviating from this routine, is very anxiety provoking. I am sure that sounded odd to her as well as to those of you reading my words. But since my separation and divorce, this is all I can manage and focus on. My needs, interests, concerns, and well-being are of no consequence... this is how I feel. Yes my life should mean something, whether I am married or not, but to me on October 31, 2024 (when my divorce was finalized) a big part of life ended. 

Tuesday, September 30, 2025

Tuesday, September 30, 2025 -- Mattie died 814 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2007. Mattie was five years old. That day he came home from kindergarten with this creation. I enrolled Mattie in an after school club, called construction club. The club was run by his teacher and since Mattie was all about building and creating, I figured this would be right up his alley! I was 100% correct! Mattie loved the club, and it was there that he learned how to use a glue gun! In fact, he was a champ with the glue gun, and Mattie taught me how to use one! But here is what I observed.... the skills Mattie gained in construction club served him well when he was hospitalized. As Mattie loved using found materials around the hospital and clinic to build, design, and construct. Creating served as a positive diversion from the horrors of childhood cancer. It enabled Mattie to be a child, NOT a child with cancer. 

Quote of the day: To lose a parent or a lifelong friend is often to lose the past: the person who died may be the only other living witness to golden events of long ago. But to lose a child is to lose the future: what is lost is no less than one’s life project—what one lives for, how one projects oneself into the future, how one may hope to transcend death (indeed, one’s child becomes one’s immortality project). ~ Irvin D. Yalom

If you read last night's blog posting, then you know I had a very difficult night! Which translated into a terrible night of sleep! I was able to fall asleep, but couldn't stay asleep because of my migraine and nausea. I got up this morning because I had previously booked an 11am appointment with my local bank manager. I have gotten to know this woman since my separation. She has been a God send. I thought I was going to talk with her about my savings account, but it turned out, she took this time to educate me and to create a plan to get me out of debt. Seriously, I call her my "miracle worker." Remember all my adult life, I did not manage my household finances and truly did not pay bills, deal with taxes, or address any financials associated with our life. Therefore, when I got separated and divorced, my learning curve have been exponential. Bordering on frightening. The problem with doing something for the first time is you don't even know what you should know or what questions to ask! Today I learned about credit card interest rates and since her goal is to make me stable again, I found her tutelage vitally important. She doesn't talk down to me, or treat me like I am stupid. But instead, walks me through things, writes things down, draws diagrams and we created a doable plan together. 

Literally we spent over an hour together and she even had to get the tissue box out. As I was in tears. Not because of my debt, but because here was a woman who is committed to helping me. In fact, when the plan was in place, she then sat next to me and gave me a big hug. She said.... YOU GOT THIS and CAN DO THIS! I will be visiting her next week as well for a follow up appointment and my goal is to bake her cookies as a token of my appreciation. Yes she is doing her job, but it is how she is doing her job.... with patience, compassion, and collaboration. 

My mom's fever broke over night and I believe the antibiotics are helping her. However, in my mind my dad is declining. He has absolutely NO memory left. He is disinterested in food and managing her irritable bowel issues are becoming problematic. When I say that I take it one day at a time, I mean it. Caregiving is daunting and overwhelming, but life without my parents is inconceivable, because when they die, I will be completely alone. For four years now, all aspects of my former life have slowly disappeared and therefore, I know I could never return to my previous life. That life died when I got divorced. 

Monday, September 29, 2025

Monday, September 29, 2025

It is 9:15pm, and I am feeling incredibly sick with a migraine. I juggled way too much today, and have been running back and forth to the pharmacy tonight, as my mom is running an 101 fever. First run to the pharmacy, I had to get a COVID/FLU testing kit. My mom tested negative and then her doctor prescribed her antibiotics since she has been suffering with symptoms for over a week. But that meant running back to the pharmacy before it closed at 8pm. The stress of today was way too much for me, on top of doing this routine for four years straight, contending with a divorce and the countless other horrors I have faced. Tonight, I was absolutely ready to give up, but I had to come home and make dinner for my parents. Food won't go down. Signing off for today. 

Sunday, September 28, 2025

Sunday, September 28, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2007. Mattie was five years old. It was his first day of kindergarten. This was a milestone moment! I am not sure who was more anxious about this.... me or Mattie? I was used to Mattie going to a part time preschool, but a full day of school was another story! I worried .... would he make friends, would he like his teachers, would anyone pick on him, you name it! Ironically I quickly learned that Mattie could hold his own! I thought we were going to have many more first days of school! That never happened, because by the end of his kindergarten year, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. Makes you realize, you must appreciate each moment. 

Quote of the day: I need someone who believes that the sun will rise again but who does not fear my darkness. Someone who can point out the rocks in my way without making me a child by carrying me. Someone who can stand in thunder and watch the lightning and believe in a rainbow. ~ Fr Joe Mahoney

I am posting this photo is memory of my maternal grandmother, Anne. Today would have been her 118th birthday! She was an amazing lady. This photo was taken while I was in college. 

By the time I was born, my grandmother was already living with my parents. So in essence, it was like having two mothers! I was very lucky, and my grandmother was the model grandparent. Loving, compassionate, fair, and multi-talented! She was a real companion! In fact, I would say many of the skills and abilities I have today I can credit to her. I learned to cook, clean, organize, and be a caregiver from my grandmother. She will be forever missed. 

I continue working on various Foundation tasks, so I feel very strung out juggling caregiving and all that I need to get done. Of course the highlight of my day was opening my front door and finding...........................

Items from the Foundation's Wish List. We have the best friends and supporters! SO grateful for all of you! As you can see even Miss Indie was checking it all out! Nothing like a curious kitty! If I could only train her to open the boxes and sort!!!

Saturday, September 27, 2025

Saturday, September 27, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2005. Mattie was three years old. That day went for a nature walk and had a picnic together. Mattie was happiest when he was one with nature. Though this wasn't my inclination, I caught up to speed with his interests and activities. Now, just like Mattie, I prefer being outside!

Quote of the day: When evening falls and shadows dim and all that’s left are stars…that’s when our dear ones shine the most. Their love is never far. ~ Kat Stano

It has been another long day, as I am managing my parents care and several things for the Foundation. One of the things I wanted to highlight today is this photo! This week the Foundation's September newsletter went out to friends and supporters requesting items for our Snack & Item Carts! All the boxes you see here, were delivered over the course of the last three days. I am so grateful for this support, because these items enable us to keep our Carts rolling at hospitals! 

Some days, I wonder how do I get up and keep on going? I am not sure I know the answer to this, but I would say the one thing that compels me forward is helping others and ensuring Mattie's legacy.  

Friday, September 26, 2025

Friday, September 26, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2006. Mattie was four and a half years old. This was what our weekends looked like in most cases, regardless of the season. We always went out and about for an adventure with Mattie. Our adventures were typically outdoors because Mattie thrived in wide open spaces. Though I wasn't in love with the outdoor prior to having Mattie, I came to appreciate nature quickly. Mainly because this was where Mattie was happiest, even as a baby! If something engaged Mattie, then it engaged me big time. Just look at that smile, I also can't help but say...... didn't we looked almost exactly alike?

Quote of the day: There is no timeline for grief, no template for healing, no guideposts to follow. There is only our heart letting us know when we’re ready to heal in our own way and time. ~ Melvina Young

For the past three mornings, I have gotten up, gone downstairs to feed Indie and I am hit with a horrible smell! Why? Because for the last three mornings, Indie has pooped on the rug in the basement. Somehow seeing this makes me very upset, as it takes me time to clean this up and deodorize the area. I am particularly troubled that this is a behavioral problem, and I can't figure out what triggers it. The vet is encouraging me to buy a second litter box, because she says as cats age, sometimes they like multiple boxes to do their business. I have been holding off on this because I don't want to clean out two boxes daily, but something has to give. In fact, my joke is every morning I have the trifecta.... 1) Indie pooping on the floor, 2) cleaning linens that line my dad's side of the bed, and 3) dealing with my dad's irritable bowel syndrome. Which I assure you requires a cast iron stomach.

After I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I ran around doing all sorts of chores. One of which was going to the bank. When I tell you I know everyone who works at our local branch, I am not kidding. I know the bank manager, the bankers and all the tellers. In fact, when I walk in the door everyone greets me with "Hello Victoria." I am so grateful to all these amazing people who have helped me over the last two years. 

Later in the day, I took my mom out for tea. This is our Monday, Wednesday, and Friday ritual, while my dad is at his memory care setting. We started doing this when I became separated. Truthfully my mom and I are so traumatized, that it is hard for us to do much else. Where we go for tea is honestly like going into the TV series, Cheers. I know the general manager, all the baristas, and I even know many of the regulars. Today, I was chatting with one of the baristas. I get to know each of their stories, what they are studying, and the struggles they are facing in any given week. 

Today's dialogue was fascinating. This young woman is in school and has a statistics test on Monday. She was telling me how she was studying for the test and that she is nervous because she wants to do well. Typically I am not a big fan of math (sorry to my mom and my lifetime friend Karen, both math teachers). However, statistics is one of those things that I find is crucial to understand, especially if you are going to read and evaluate research findings. So this young woman and I chatted about this, but then it led to a more deeper conversation. 

Understand that this young woman knows NOTHING about me other than that I am a caregiver to my parents and that I am a licensed mental health provider. She started talking to me about the podcasts she is listening to, mainly because she is dating a fellow now and likes him a lot. But she is very introspective and sensitive and said to me that she is learning that NO EVERYONE reveals their true self. She was telling me that she was listening to a podcast and was absorbed into the dialogue between people calling in and the host. She said several men called in and revealed that they were asking their girlfriends to move in with them. So the young woman asked me.... if a guy wants you to move in with him, what would you think? My response was that he had serious intentions and was making a commitment toward marriage. Her response was EXACTLY, that is how many women calling in responded. But she said that was NOT the intention of several of these men. Instead, one admitted to the radio host that he wanted his girlfriend to move in with him because she had a good job, and the money she gave him would help pay off his college loan quicker. You get the drift, each one had a back story. A story he wasn't revealing to the woman he was involved in. 

Needless to say, the young woman I was talking to said to me.... I don't want to make any of these mistakes! She said she wanted a stable life and one where she can commit to another person and he will feel the same way back. But then she went on to say, and keep in mind she is in her twenties (so young!)....... if you are in a committed relationship, then each person in the relationship should be honest and communicate and most of all find a way forward, because that is what a commitment is all about. Honestly, I wanted to hug this young woman! Given that this young woman and I are from a completely different generation, I felt we shared core values.

Naturally I have a lot to say on all of the issues she was discussing, but didn't! All I said to her was, you can only do the best that you can do to evaluate the person you are involved with, try to triangulate information by getting to know his family and friends, and then at some point, you have to follow your gut instinct. But then I said, some people in life do have hidden agendas and though you may think you are on the same page with them, you may find out that you are not. This revelation, this reality, can be very painful and may cause you to doubt yourself and the world around you. That said, we can't beat ourselves up for trusting and loving someone, because if we don't, we will be spending a lifetime alone. With that, she said...... everyone deserves to have someone in their lives. That we were not meant to be alone. 

Any case, what today showed me was my expectations for life, love, and commitment are NOT just Vicki things. In fact, many women (even this younger generation) share the same hopes, values, and desire for meaningful relationships. She and I covered a lot of territory together in less than 15 minutes, and in the process we felt like we understood each other better, and were less alone in our thoughts and feelings.

Thursday, September 25, 2025

Thursday, September 25, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2005. Mattie was three years old. That evening, he wanted to read books on my bed. So he jumped up, got under the covered, and of course brought a toy truck with us. Mattie was typically ON and moving around, but he also appreciated and loved book time. Mattie loved the stories, seeing the photos, and talking about what we just read. These were precious and yet all too fleeting moments.

Quote of the day: The grief within me has its own heartbeat. It has its own life, its own song. Part of me wants to resist the rhythms of my grief, yet as I surrender to the song, I learn to listen deep within myself. ~ Alan Wolfelt

After the fiasco of going to the dentist yesterday, I would say my parents were wiped out. My dad had his physical therapy session this morning and this particular therapist gets him outside whenever she is here. This is really good for him because otherwise, he never goes into our backyard! While my dad was in his session, my mom was resting. She hasn't been the same, since she got the flu vaccine. She is very tired, somewhat congested, and has a cough. The cough is definitely better, but when she coughs, it is so overwhelming because it looks like she is unable to breathe.  

We had to get out of the house today for our mental sanity. I took them to lunch at a local place we visit often. I know at least five to six servers at this particular restaurant. Our server, Tammy, was training someone today, and while taking our order, different servers were coming over to talk with me. Tammy turned to her trainee and told her.... all the servers love Vicki. They love talking to her! I truly wasn't expecting to hear that, but that certainly made me feel special. With each of the servers I talk to, I know about their families, their struggles, their schooling, and with a few of them, each time I see them, we pick up our conversation where we left off the week before. For example, one server had his car hit accidently while parked. So I learned two weeks ago that his car was missing a door handle. Today, I learned where he was with fixing the car, the circumstances around being hit, and the various choices he has to address the damage. In the process of that particular accident, his car was hit again in a different parking lot. He was distraught about this and wanted to know if this was a sign.... was the world set against him? Naturally I could wholeheartedly relate to that sentiment, but we both concluded, that he had to take it one day at a time, find a way through it, with the hopes that things will get better. Truthfully it is my mantra, ONE DAY AT A TIME, because sometimes when I evaluate the full picture, I can't function. 

Meanwhile, it was a busy BOX day at my house. Items for the Foundation's Candy and Snack Drive were delivered! I am so deeply appreciative of friends who stand behind a mission that means the world to me personally. 

More boxes today!!!! A BIG THANK YOU, because of the generosity and kindness of others, I can actively help other children like Mattie and in turn keep his legacy alive. 

Wednesday, September 24, 2025

Wednesday, September 24, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2007. Mattie was five years old. That day, we went over to Zachary's home. Zachary and Mattie were best preschool buddies. The lady in the photo is Sara. Sara was Zachary's nanny. Sara had a baby and we went over to meet the baby! This was Mattie's first time holding a baby! You can tell he was nervous but wanted to do it! We knew Sara very well, because every day after preschool, Mattie and Zachary wanted to do things together. So naturally that meant Sara and I spent a lot to time together and we got to know each other's values, parenting styles, and driving styles. For the most part, I was always with Mattie, but there were times that I had other things to do and therefore Sara was kind enough to pick up Mattie at preschool with Zachary and then I met them later. I mention this because this tells you my comfort level with Sara. So when Sara had a baby, we wanted to congratulate her and welcome her new bundle into the family. I am so happy I captured this adorable moment in time. 

Quote of the day: Grief only exists where love lived first. ~ Franchesca Cox

Today was NOT a good day. I got up early in order to take my parents to the dentist. They had 10am appointments, which sounds reasonable. Until you factor in all that needs to be accomplished, including driving an hour into the city. Somehow I got to the office, was five minutes late, but still I made it! I learned last year that the only way I can take my dad into the city and to this appointment is using Mattie's wheelchair. Otherwise, he would be unable to walk the distance. But it is hard to get him into the wheelchair and then push him about a city block, while also holding onto my mom. 

When I arrived, I learned that my dad was assigned a different hygienist. My mom always works with my hygienist, which is important because I can't sit in two appointments at once, and I trust my hygienist. So I know my mom will be okay! The woman assigned to work with my dad today, though a long time hygienist in the office, was someone I had never met before. She took us back to her work space and I had to transfer my dad from his wheelchair to the dental chair. That was NO EASY feat, as his back was very sore, given how he slept on it last night. With every movement, he was screaming in pain. The hygienist couldn't get him in a position where she could work on his while seated. So I told her this is true, in the past his previously hygienist had to stand and do his cleaning. Any case, we continued to talk and she learned I was my dad's caregiver. 

At first she said to my dad.... how lucky that you have a daughter! She has a son, and she says she has NO IDEA who will take care of her when she gets older. My response to her was that her son may surprise her! However, after getting to know her better, I would say whether she had a daughter or a son, I am NOT sure either would care for her. She is judgmental, difficult, and cold. Why do I say that?

I say this because she proceeded to tell me that it is dangerous for me to care for my dad. I love unsolicited advice! She feels he requires three people to move him alone, and therefore, it just being me is dangerous for him and for me because he could fall. I pushed back, telling her that I disagreed with her about the danger! So she proceeded to say I should hire someone. I then told her that SOMEONE, no matter the person, will face the same challenges as me! An aide will have no greater skills to care for my dad than me. She then said... no, you have to hire multiple aides! I then asked her whether she has ever been a caregiver. She said, yes, but I sincerely doubt it. Since she responded yes to being a caregiver, I then said, well since you supposedly have experience hiring aides, then you know how costly it is to have multiple people working with your loved one around the clock! She did not respond! 

I am giving you a rough overview of how this dialogue went, what I can't capture in words was her tone and condescending attitude. I could feel my stress level increase tenfold. So I decided I have two options.... one I could tell her off and start screaming, or two, I could be mature, not stoop to her level, and remove myself from the situation. I chose option two. I told her I had to check in on my mom and walked right out of the cubical space. I then proceeded to find my mom and told Annie, my hygienist, that we can never work with this other hygienist again. I told her what had transpired and Annie understood immediately, as Annie knows what I have been facing and as she said today, this woman has NO IDEA what you are balancing and have overcome. 

Dealing with this scenario would have been more than enough, but the hits just kept coming today as my pool company gave me a quote to fix part of the pool that is leaking. It is a structural issue and I budgeted so much based on what I was reading on line. Today's estimate was double the cost of what I thought it would be. Truthfully when this stuff hits me, I want to SCREAM. I want to SCREAM because what I am balancing is beyond unfair. I took a deep breath, wrote back to my pool company, and said, I needed time to figure this out budget wise and would get back to them with a response in a few weeks. All I know is if the rest of my life is going to look like it does now, I see no point. To me life is a chore, just when I have the hope that maybe there could be a glimmer out there that could potentially cause me to view things differently, I have days like today (and unfortunately I have had many, many of them over the last two years). 

Tuesday, September 23, 2025

Tuesday, September 23, 2025 -- Mattie died 813 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2002. Mattie was five months old and Mattie was enjoying rice cereal. In fact, I would say that Mattie loved all the cereals he was introduced to and couldn't get enough of them! Note Mattie was sitting in his car seat! This car seat was a God sent. Mattie preferred it when he had to sit up and eat and during the first months of his life, I literally strapped Mattie into the car seat and but the car seat inside his crib. Mattie hated lying flat and therefore the car seat made sleep for him somewhat possible. Overall, Mattie wasn't a sleeper, and forget about napping! What I love about this photo was Mattie's eyes! Guess who he was staring at? YES ME! We had a very tight bond and were a lot alike!

Quote of the day: Mourning is one of the most profound human experiences that it is possible to have… The deep capacity to weep for the loss of a loved one and to continue to treasure the memory of that loss is one of our noblest human traits. ~ Shneidman

Do you know what today is? Yes it is September 23! But to me September 23, will always be the beginning of the end for me and my life. Life as I have known it for decades came to a crashing halt in 2023. It was on this day two years ago, that my unofficial separation began. I have learned in life that there are mini traumas and then there are enormous traumas, basically traumas on a continuum. Having had little and big ones and everything in between, I feel very well versed in trauma. What it looks and feels like. I AM SICK OF IT! When I first became single, I honestly did not know if I could make it to the next day. I had so much to learn and so many big responsibilities. I was frightened. Very frightened! Everything scared me, I was profoundly sad, confused, feeling panic and anxious. I couldn't eat and wasn't sleeping. All things I felt soon after Mattie was diagnosed. Since I became single, I have lost over 20 pounds and have kept it off even today and sleeping is something I still struggle with most nights. 

But where am I now? Two years have past. Sounds like a lot of time, doesn't it!? In the world of grief and trauma..... it isn't! Sure I am no longer in shock but the confusion and sadness remain. If you haven't figured this out about me.... I get attached to things and people. The first clue is I have been writing this blog DAILY for 17 years! The blog keeps Mattie's memory and life alive for me, it enables me to share him with others who never met him, and most of all the blog is a labor of love. It is my daily mothering of Mattie, a child who is no longer physically with me, but remains alive in my heart. Remembering requires work, as time is the biggest threat to the health and well-being of memories. I say this because this should give you some idea about how I feel about being divorced. Getting divorced is a piece of paper, it is a legal document. It is final, but unfortunately the heart doesn't work like the law. If coping with grief and loss was as easy as a divorce decree, then there would be no need for people to seek therapy and support groups. Matters of the heart are far more complex. 

That said, I was reflective today on what I accomplished in these past two years. Though my list is LONG, I will give you a snapshot of what I learned about myself in two years:

1. I learned that I can pay bills and manage a household's finances.
2. I learned that I can work with a CPA and figure out taxes. 
3. I learned that I can address basic plumbing and electrical needs. 
4. I learned that I can open up a loan to pay for a furnace.
5. I learned that I can maintain a pool and a lot of its intricacies. 
6. I learned that I can ask professionals for help (thank GOD for Steve -- my outdoor guru; Cody -- my plumber; Bob -- my electrician; Paul -- my HVAC person, Ellery -- my pool guru; everyone at my Ford dealership; my garage door repair people; Alfredo -- my contractor; Nate -- my power wash professional and the list goes on!!!)
7. I learned that I can be the caregiver for both of my parents alone. 
8. I learned that I can manage all of my parent's medical needs, hospitalizations, physical therapy sessions, and advocate effectively for them.
9. I learned that I can manage all of Indie's needs.
10. I learned that I can manage all the annual flowering plants each spring, which means buy them, schlepping them home and planting all of them. 
11. I learned that I can program and understand the sprinkler system.
12. I learned that I can understand technology better than I think!
13. I learned that I can manage communications with insurance companies (medical and home owners) and advocate for our needs. 
14. I learned that I will always be Mattie's mom, nothing will change that, no one can take that away from me.
15. I learned that I can maintain our septic system and flush out the sump pump every three months.

My list could go on and on! I have had MANY, MANY firsts over these past two years. This is not kudos to Vicki. This is instead the by-product of a desperate woman who had to learn things quickly in order to keep my household running. Because my parents were living with me, I rose to the occasion to pull it together. Because that is me.... if someone needs me...... I will figure out a way. If my parents weren't here, the course of the last two years, I have no doubt, would have looked very different. In my life, I have faced great sadness, and my divorce is one of the biggest, something I will have to learn to live with, but never get over. Through Mattie's death, I learned this life skill, but if I had the power to erase these years of pain and return to the life I once had, I would do it. Of course that isn't possible, so instead I take it one day at a time, in hopes that at some point, I will see even the tiniest glimmer about life and a future. 

Monday, September 22, 2025

Monday, September 22, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old, and by that point he was beginning to walk independently. Nonetheless, he loved my plant stand. Ironically so did Patches, the cat! If this plant stand could talk, it holds a lot of stories! It witnessed so much and I remember purchasing it soon after we moved from Boston to Washington, DC. In this particular case, Mattie loved the stand because it helped him brace himself as he walked by the window to check out the flowers, birds, as well as what was going on outside. Mattie was Mr. Curiosity, and I absolutely LOVED taking in the world through his eyes. 

Quote of the day: And can it be that in a world so full and busy the loss of one creature makes a void so wide and deep that nothing but the width and depth of eternity can fill it up! ~ Charles Dickens

This morning after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I came home thinking I would spend some time in the garden cutting back my roses. Forget it! The Foundation's book keeper sent me an email, asking me to migrate data from our old accounting software account to a new one! I was the one who had to do it as I am the primary account holder. I certainly understood what she was asking me to do but I had absolutely NO IDEA how to manage this technology and figure out this migration. She sent me a tutorial, but forget it.... I still couldn't get the process to work. 

So like with everything else, I looked for the "CHAT" link on the website! I no longer waste any time, or get frustrated. I now just immediately reach out for help. I was on chat for 90 minutes with a lovely woman. She had this special technology which enabled her to see my computer screen. It was fascinating, as she put her cursor over things and guided me step by step on how to manage this migration. Fortunately I was working with her, because it wasn't a simple migration. So Cathrine was today's angel!

At around 4pm, after I got both of my parents settled and watching TV, I went outside. I spent about 90 minutes cutting back this rose garden. I should have taken a before photo, because the roses were higher than the fountain, which I use as a bird bath. 

Tonight at dinner, my dad wanted to talk about Morse Code. As this was something he discussed at his memory care center today. So while eating I looked up facts about the code and we had a stimulating discussion. However, after dinner, my dad mentioned to my mom that they have dentist appointments on Wednesday at 10am. That sent her for a tailspin. Not the appointment but the time. In order for me to get them to this appointment in the city, it requires me to leave the house at 9am. It isn't a user friendly location either, because I have to park a half a block away in a garage and then use a wheelchair with my dad, and hold onto my mom at the same time. Any case my mom started screaming at me about how I could be so foolish to select a 10am appointment. Sometimes I have no choice on timing, as I am juggling two hygienist appointments at the same time, one for my mom and one for my dad. Tonight I was in no mood and I literally said to my mom...... okay you don't like what I did, but what have you done? Meaning, I at least worked hard to get appointments, what role did you take in this process? Also note that two years ago, the hygienist asked me to take over the brushing of my dad's teeth. So this was added to my morning routine with him, where I physically take an electric toothbrush to his mouth and clean his teeth by hand. Since I started caring for his oral hygiene his appointments have gone more smoothly. 

Needless to say, I have already emailed Annie, my hygienist, who works with my mom and asked her if she could help me reschedule the appointments. I do the best I can each day managing schedules, appointments, and addressing their every need. I am on the go from the moment I wake up, to the moment I go to sleep at night, with no breaks in between.