Tuesday, July 8, 2025

Tuesday, July 8, 2025 -- Mattie died 802 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. Mattie was home between hospital stays and those days he worked on a Lego Taj Mahal! Truly it was an impressive undertaking! Look at that smile, so pleased with his accomplishment. To this day, I still have the top dome of the Taj Mahal in my office on display!

Quote of the day: Adversity reveals genius, prosperity conceals it. ~ Horace

Some days I am moving around and getting things done, and I may look like things are okay! But I assure you, even while looking okay, I always have this sickening feeling that THIS CAN'T BE MY LIFE! Almost like I am traveling around in a bubble, and sometimes I am inside the bubble and sometimes I am outside the bubble. I do much better inside the bubble, floating about, busy with chores. When I am outside the bubble, examining my life, then the reality of my existence hits me, and hard. 

For the past 37 years of my life, there were some constants and givens. My husband being the main one! It is how I understood the world and those within it. Now that I have lost my other half, it is like traveling around without the outer layer of my skin. It hurts, it is painful, and there is no clue when and if I will be able to survive this confusing and painful existence. 

Today did not help! As you can see, I put my Mattie in the car, seat belted him in the back seat, and headed to the funeral home. If you did not read last night's blog, then you are probably looking at this photo and saying.... WHAT ON EARTH IS VICKI TALKING ABOUT? After all, you don't see Mattie. I haven't lost it yet, I don't see Mattie either. But Mattie's ashes are housed in this beautiful marquetry music box from Italy. I had to take them to the funeral home today to split the ashes in half. I have no idea why I ever agreed to this legally, as this is counter to everything I hold dear. But I think while I was separated, I agreed to this because I never thought we would actually get divorced. I truly did not think this could ever happen, mainly because all my life, people have always appreciated and valued their connection with me. It NEVER dawned on me that the one person who supposedly loved me the most, actually didn't!

This morning after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I drove to the funeral home. This is the home I connected with about a year ago, when I moved my parent's pre-funeral plans from California to this location. So when I had to split Mattie's ashes, I decided to call them for help! 

I met with one of the funeral directors today, and she took care of everything. I am so glad I had the original cremation paperwork from 2009, because that was actually needed! I did not discuss with her who these ashes belonged to or the circumstances. I figured, why bother?! It is not like she is going to be of any emotional help to me. I say this not as a reflection of the director, but because this is the emotional state I am in. Very little helps. No amount of talking helps, and seeing a way forward escapes me. 

While waiting for Rachel to split the ashes, this was my view. While sitting there, I could feel my level of anxiety rising. Fortunately I wasn't there very long!

Rachel made a copy of the original cremation certificate and put half of Mattie in this plastic urn. There was no charge for this service. 

Mattie is now it two different places.... a box and an urn. My good friend Mary Ann wrote to me last night and shared something that I found very helpful. She wrote, "God calls things that are not as though they are" (Romans 4:17). Which speaks to God's creative power and the nature of faith. So having faith, I believe that God can mysteriously bring together Mattie's ashes as though they never were separated. Thank you Mary Ann!

Whether I have all of Mattie's ashes or half of Mattie's ashes, that doesn't change the fact that I am Mattie's mom! I am Mattie's memory keeper, and I will continue to keep Mattie's legacy going by running his Foundation and helping other children and families like ours! JUST LIKE I HAVE BEEN DOING FOR THE LAST 16 YEARS!