Saturday, July 5, 2025

Saturday, July 5, 2025

Tonight's picture was take on July 4, 2009. This was our last Fourth of July with Mattie. That weekend we took him to a local resort with friends. The notion was to try to have a more normal experience, and in order to make that weekend possible, we had to move heaven and earth with this treatment team. As you can see from this photo, Mattie did not want his photo taken. In fact, the whole weekend was a huge disaster, as Mattie wanted to spend more time in the hotel room, away from friends. The main take away was Mattie realized he was very different and very sick compared to his peers. It was a hard reality and truly heart breaking to absorb as his mom. 

Quote of the day: Courage isn't having the strength to go on, it is going on when you don't have the strength. ~ Napoleon Bonaparte

Somehow yesterday did not feel like July 4th. Actually no day seems normal to me anymore. One of the traditions I had with my husband, was we would always watch the Capitol Fourth on TV. Given that we used to live minutes from the National Mall, we loved seeing the festivities in our backyard! In fact, at our townhouse in the city, we could see the Nation's firework show, a show we saw in person for over two decades. Moving to the suburbs changed all of that, yet I will never forget my time living in the city. So given that I was unhappy and off yesterday, I told my parents, that we were going to watch the Capitol Fourth concert on TV. As always it did not disappoint. Though my dad doesn't recall watching the show today, I know while watching it he enjoyed the music, seeing the crowds, and observing that the military and first responders were honored! As my dad will tell you now.... he was a surgical nurse in the Army!

There were many highlights throughout the show, but I am showing you this one. A song entitled, Rescue, by Lauren Daigle. Behind her were standing first responders. Everyone from nurses, paramedics, EMTs, firefighters, and Capitol police. I have never heard this song before, and it is hard to hear in this video, so I attached the lyrics below, because you don't want to miss them. The song is deeply meaningful, inspiring, and a true tribute to all first responders.

Click on the link to see the video:

https://www.facebook.com/capitolfourth/videos/1224148932354180/

Lyrics to Rescue:

You are not hidden
There's never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolen
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It's true, I will rescue you
There is no distance
That cannot be covered
Over and over
You're not defenseless
I'll be your shelter
I'll be your armor
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It's true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It's true, I will rescue you
I hear the whisper underneath your breath
I hear you whisper, you have nothing left
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It's true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It's true, I will rescue you
Oh, I will rescue you

For the past two days, I have been looking through countless photos to find this one! I knew it existed, but WHERE was it??? I guess I should get a gold star because at least I remembered the photo and the moment in time! Any case, as soon as I found it, I shared it with my in-laws. Notice that we were holding glow sticks. We formed them into numbers, for the year 2000! My mother-in-law told me that her mom truly loved and appreciated all the visits she had with me. That meant a great deal as this has been my family for over 35 years. What I have learned is there are some things that divorce can't touch! The reality of our family bond, our years together, and the fact that they know I always put family first. 

Friday, July 4, 2025

Friday, July 4, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. We were in the outpatient clinic, by the art table. That day, Mattie created Dr. Crazy Hair! Leave it to Mattie. This doctor came to the inpatient unit with us (and filled up Mattie's 2x4 of a room) as well and eventually to our home! Dr. Crazy Hair came with many items in his pocket, including a shell that Mattie said was a patient's toe nail! Truly you had to love Mattie! I absolutely LOVED his smile and so grateful his buddy, Brandon, was there (in the background) and part of the fun. I can't imagine our life without Brandon in it, as he understood Mattie and was a great big brother to him!

Quote of the day: During difficult times, an important resiliency step is being able to express your feelings in healthy ways. You can’t make feelings go away, but you can move through them. ~ Al Siebert

This morning, I was texting back and forth with my mother-in-law. She wished me a happy 4th and in the process reminded me of the time she and her mom visited us in Washington, DC on Independence Day. She recalled that we got glow sticks and I remembered we formed the sticks into numbers..... 2000! It was the millennium and an exciting point in history!

From her memory, I went into an instant panic! What was I panicking about? I worked myself up into a silly because I couldn't find the photo of all of us with the glow sticks! I can picture it in my head and I know it is somewhere in my cabinet of photos, but where? This was before digital cameras (thank goodness things are digitized when Mattie came around because it helps me to keep me organized). I strongly dislike when I do NOT have access to memories! My reaction is not in line with the issue, which then led me to think and conclude that freaking out over a missing photo had more to do with the trauma of not having my husband. As he was an important part of my memories! If he were here, I have no doubt we would have found the photo quickly! Any thing that involves memories now and not having access to them, makes me terribly upset. 

In the process of looking through stacks of photos today (in my non-existent free time), I found this one. This is three generations of women. Me, my mother-in-law, and her mom! I remember this day perfectly! The whole family came out to Los Angeles and stayed with my parents during Christmas of 1998! At first I did not remember the year and neither did my mother-in-law. But I worked the issue, and remembered that my nephew was 2 and my niece was 6 months old.... making it 1998! Life seemed incredibly happier then! This was WAY before I knew about childhood cancer or the personal heartache of betrayal and abandonment. 

I really wouldn't know it is July 4th today! The garbage truck came at 7am, my neighbor's gardeners were making a racket at 7:30am, and then Jessica came to clean the pool. I am having a major issue with one of my backyard gates. I knew I had to address it but guess what? To my surprise Jessica called her supervisor and today they fixed the problem without bothering me! They just let me know they identified the problem and corrected it! DEAR GOD..... someone who does something without me asking! This was my July 4th miracle. I was so touched by their efforts, that I wrote management a THANK YOU email! 

Later in the afternoon, I took my parents out for frozen yogurt. We go to this shop weekly. We know everyone who works there. In fact, the manager and I share the same birth date! She actually remembered my birthday from last year, and reminded me about that today. She and her whole family really look out for me, and they are so kind to my parents! The second July 4th gift. No matter how down and out I may feel, I never forget kindness or acknowledging it! 

Thursday, July 3, 2025

Thursday, July 3, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2008. This photo was taken literally days before Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. We had no idea how our lives were going to change that month. That day we took Mattie to the DC Aquatic Gardens. This was a July tradition, because it is during this time of year all the lotus flowers are in bloom. It is an amazing and glorious sight! To me this Garden is one of the best kept secrets in DC. Notice that in Mattie's hand was a toy car. Mattie always traveled with a car in hand! I look at this photo now and it saddens me to know that Mattie is no longer with me and that going back to this garden with my husband will never happen again. 

Quote of the day: We met when we were only 16, at a high school dance. When he died, we were 50. I remember how I didn't want that day to end, terrible as it was. I didn't want to go to sleep because as long as I was awake, it was still a day that I shared with Sean. ~ Beverly Eckert

This morning, after settling my dad into his recliner and completing my mom's physical therapy session, I went to the grocery store. Sometimes when I go, I peruse the tea aisle. Before Mattie was diagnosed with cancer, I used to love all sorts of herbal teas. I also preferred weak tea! However, once Mattie was diagnosed, Team Mattie would bring me hot tea to the hospital. Naturally the most common tea is black tea. At first, I truly had a hard time drinking it. I deemed it too strong and tasteless. However, after 14 months of receiving black tea gifts, guess what? I came to love black tea. Not just black tea but VERY strong tea! I love tea that looks as black as coffee. Now if you should give me herbal tea, I have trouble getting it down. Funny how one's tastes and preferences can change. In my case, I do not attribute this change to age, but I attribute it to Mattie's cancer and living in the hospital! As crazy as this sounds, when I drink black tea, I think of Mattie. YES even tea connects me to my son!

Back to the tea aisle! So while walking up and down the aisle, I noticed a special selection of British teas! Particularly two companies... PG Tips and Typhoo! Given that I am at the point of being disgusted with most teas I buy, as I find them too weak, no matter how long I brew them, I bought a box of Typhoo tea. When I got home, I snapped a photo of the tea box and sent it to my friend in England. I literally asked her...... do you have this tea in England and have you tried it?? 

My friend sent me two commercials! One is of Typhoo tea and the other of PG Tips. I think they are absolutely adorable! It also speaks to the importance of tea in England, as I can't relate one solitary tea commercial in the USA! The PG Tips commercial is so hysterical that I am destined to purchase the tea, as the toy monkey in the commercial just got to me. I included both commercials below. Some days, I just need a laugh, a diversion from my reality, and tea did just that today!

Typhoo Tea Commercial

PG Tips Commercial

Wednesday, July 2, 2025

Wednesday, July 2, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2007. Mattie was five years old! How he loved this kiddie pool! When I tell you it took up half of our deck space, I am not kidding! But because Mattie loved it, enjoyed water play, and outdoor time, we got used to maneuvering around it! To me it was worth it, just to see that smile! When I look at this kiddie pool and look at my current pool, I think.... Mattie would have loved meeting Sunny, Indie, and living in our house. I am left to use my imagination on all of this and of course would prefer if Mattie were alive. As we enter July, it is impossible not to reflect on both my marriage (30th anniversary July 15) and Mattie's diagnosis day (July 23). 

Quote of the day: Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying ‘I will try again tomorrow’. ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

Last night, right after a rain storm, I went outside in the backyard to cut some basil for one of my dinner dishes. When I walked down our deck steps.... look who was right there!

A beautiful box turtle! I saw this fellow on the other side of the property a few days ago. So slowly but surely, he gets around! 

Today my freshman college roommate, Leslie, came to visit me and my mom. Before my parents moved in with me, I used to meet up with Leslie several times a year for lunch. I am so glad we were able to catch up today. Leslie is a loyal blog reader and has been following what has been happening in my life these past two years. There is something special reconnecting with someone who has known me WAY before Mattie existed, before he was diagnosed with cancer and died, and before my husband left me.

Freshman year in college is a big transition, or at least it was for me, to leave home and live in a dorm. Since Leslie and I have many similarities in style, character, and values, we were a solid match. So much so, that many years later, we are still connected. 

I made lunch for us today and in honor of Leslie's visit, I took out these butterfly quilted placemats and napkins. They were gifted to me by a friend of my mother-in-law, who sent them to me after learning about my divorce. Nancy is a professional quilter! These are beautiful pieces and I wanted to use them on a nice occasion, like today! 

I made a homemade chicken salad for lunch. It is supposed to be chicken with tarragon, but since I do not have tarragon in the garden, I used thyme! It is a GREAT recipe. The last time I made this recipe was August 2023, when my in-laws were visiting from Boston. I showed my mother-in-law a photo of these sandwiches today, and she said.... she remembered them well! The marbleized bread is also key!

I made a tomato, strawberry, watermelon, basil and goat cheese salad. The first time I was introduced to tomatoes paired with watermelon, was at a museum in Washington, DC. I couldn't get over how well these things pair with each other! It makes for a lovely summer salad, served with a light lemon and balsamic vinaigrette. 

Nothing like fruit! I truly enjoyed sitting eating and talking! The most special gift to me, is the opportunity to be truly heard and to feel understood!

Leslie brought me some amazing cookies and this violet! I happen to LOVE violets! I used to grow them in Washington, DC! I have wanted to get a few to start growing them in my kitchen. So Leslie somehow read my mind! My first violet in this house! 

Tuesday, July 1, 2025

Tuesday, July 1, 2025 --- Mattie died 801 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was five years old. It was Memorial Day weekend and we took Mattie to Dutch Wonderland. I learned about this theme park from moms at Mattie's preschool! They were absolutely correct..... it is a great park for preschool aged children. Mattie had a magical time at this park, and it was there that he experienced his first roller coaster ride. From that moment on..... Mattie was hooked on rollercoasters. On this we differed greatly as I do not like anything with fast motion, up and downs, and turns. But I loved photographing Mattie having a blast. It is a day etched always in my mind. 

Quote of the day: Resilience is very different than being numb. Resilience means you experience, you feel, you fail, you hurt. You fall. But, you keep going. ~ Yasmin Mogahed

Each morning, when I open my eyes, I see this view. This view may not mean much to you, but it means a lot to me. Every photo on the wall, came from my travels with my husband. Each captured a special moment in time, with natural beauty in each location we visited. These photos are reminders that...... this was our reality! This WAS our life together. 

When we moved into this house together in 2021, we literally repainted the whole interior of the house. I recall my husband and I put paint samples all over the walls until we found the color we loved, which was called Medici Ivory. We then selected these photos and hung them in our bedroom. The piece of furniture you see here also has a story. When I was living in Boston and going to graduate school for my Master's in Biology (I was in my twenties), I lived in an apartment. I needed furniture! My in-laws gave me a ton of things to furnish my apartment and this piece was ONE of them. My father-in-law found this piece on the side of the road. One of his neighbor's was giving it away. He literally put this piece on top of his car, and it made it to my apartment. I have had this piece since 1991! 

With regards to all my photos, I remember one blog reader telling me months ago, that the blog has highlighted our DAILY life together since Mattie was diagnosed with cancer in July of 2008. Each blog posting highlighted our journey, our teamwork, and the special bond I had with my husband. As my blog reader said..... the photos speak for themselves! INDEED they do!

The other thing I see each morning when I open my blinds is this glorious butterfly bush. We planted this bush in the front yard. I am a BIG butterfly fan! If you look closely at this photo you will see at least six to seven monarch butterflies hanging about this bush! 

The other day, the article, entitled, If you’ve ever cried while listening to music alone, psychology says you likely have these 8 emotional traits, popped up on my phone. No surprise, since I am always talking about songs on this blog and how they speak to me. I am not a big crier! Fortunately, because if I was, I most likely would be sitting in a corner, balled up and crying most days. But music is one thing that has a way of cracking my armor, and in so many ways, I feel that some songs just speak to my feelings of hurt, disillusionment, commitment, faith, and love. 

Are you like me? Do you hear a song and it moves you to tears? Does music make you pause, do the lyrics affect you emotionally, and does music get you to stop in your tracks? If any of this resonates with you, then apparently we may share these eight traits..........................

1. Empathy Runs Deep
2. You're no stranger to introspection
3. Sensitivity to beauty and aesthetics
4. Emotional openness is your norm
5. Strong connection to past experiences
6. You have a penchant for solitude
7. You value emotional expression
8. You're a deeply feeling individual

As this article mentions, "this strong connection to past experiences is more than just nostalgia. It’s about your ability to feel deeply and remember vividly. It’s about the richness of your emotional tapestry and the depth of your life experiences." I would say that throughout my life I am very aware of the fact that I feel things more deeply, observe and absorb other people's feelings and emotions, and my mind makes a memory of these exact feelings. In fact, how I remember places, restaurants, and people is not necessary by the factual information, but more about the EMOTIONAL response I have from these connections or experiences. My mind is filled with a database of countless feelings! Which may explain why getting divorced from a person I trusted and loved, is crushing. Not only crushing, but has rocked my foundation to the core. 

Monday, June 30, 2025

Monday, June 30, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. That day we went over to a friend's house and Mattie wanted to swing. Naturally given his condition, he was unable to sit on a swing himself and pump his legs. So I had him sit on top of me and we swung together.  I remember that day vividly. It is hard to believe that three months later, Mattie died.  

Quote of the day: No matter how bleak or menacing a situation may appear, it does not entirely own us. It can’t take away our freedom to respond, our power to take action. ~ Ryder Carroll

This morning my dad was VERY focused on locating MORE toothpaste tubes. He literally tore through every drawer in the bathroom and closet to find MORE tubes. Despite my best efforts to help him track his bathroom routine with a checklist, he still brushes his teeth four to six times a day. My dad gets up throughout the night to use the bathroom, and each time he gets up, it is like, his brain hits the restart button. He thinks it is morning, and therefore brushes his teeth, shaves, and weighs himself. So even if he checks off that he did each item on the list for that day, he will still repeatedly do each task. My dad can go through an entire large tube of toothpaste in one week. I literally just brought three large tubes, three weeks ago and they are now all GONE. 

Each morning over the last month, I have tried to tell my dad that he is using too much toothpaste and needs to follow his check list. Forget it. He can't track that whatsoever. This morning, I was at my wit's end. So I explained to my dad that like his mouthwash, I will now portion out his toothpaste per day! HE DID NOT LIKE THAT IDEA AT ALL. He wants control over the toothpaste. I explained this rationally to him and he couldn't understand. Just like parenting a child, sometimes you have to make the tough decisions because you know what is best for the situation. Therefore, I removed all the toothpaste tubes from his per view and portioned out the toothpaste. 

Fast forward to tonight at dinner. Keep in mind my dad can't remember one minute to the next. In fact, he couldn't tell us one thing he did at his memory care program today. But guess what came up at dinner?! YES the toothpaste. He said he was confused WHY he can't find more toothpaste upstairs. So again, I tried to explain it to him. This time, he reacted in a hostile manner. He moved his chair away from the dinner table, grabbed his walker, and was headed to the staircase. He wanted to walk upstairs and again go rummaging through the drawers to find MORE toothpaste. I told him this wasn't the time, we were eating dinner (something I spent two hours preparing), and he can't negotiate the stairs safely alone. So instead, he decided to sit in the living room, pouting, not unlike a child. 

Most times I can manage these ridiculous requests and outbursts, but today wasn't such a day. I then got up from the dinner table, went upstairs and pulled out a tube of toothpaste and put it on his bathroom counter. I then went downstairs and told him he now has control of the toothpaste and that we weren't going to discuss this anymore while I was trying to eat. Of course, that didn't happen, because my mom and my dad couldn't let it go! Internally I said to myself....  I am not going to fight this battle. If I have to waste money on buying toothpaste, that is what I am going to do. As I can't take his perseveration on toothpaste. 

Back to this morning, after I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I took my mom to our local social security office. Thankfully we have an office not far from our home. I recently learned that my mom's birth date that is on file at the office is incorrect. So I had to make an appointment to take her in with her official birth certificate. Today's experience was incredibly efficient and the woman we worked with was an absolute peach. Kind, professional, and very understanding. Her mom was around my mom's age, but unfortunately her mom had died years ago. Though I did not come into the office with a completed application, she patiently waited while I filled it out for my mom. If you think that one person can't make a difference to one's day, then you'd be wrong. This woman restored my faith in the system and in humanity. Because truthfully she could have sent us away, since I did not have the completed application in hand. But she didn't! She seemed to understand intuitively that scheduling things and making an appointment gets more challenging when you are close to 90 years old! 

By 2:30pm, I felt so wiped out and exhausted. I told my mom I had to go home to close my eyes for thirty minutes before picking up my dad. Though I tried to rest, my mom kept talking to me the whole time. So note to self, if I want to rest, I have to go to my bedroom and close the door. These are my days, but while I manage through hour by hour, I ALWAY have a running melody going inside my head. The melody isn't pretty, it isn't something you can hum. Instead, it is a running and repeating record within my brain, that is trying to make sense over what has happened to my life and my marriage. 

Sunday, June 29, 2025

Sunday, June 29, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in the Spring of 2006. Mattie was four years old and by that point he was truly thriving. He loved his school, made solid friendships, had amazing teachers, and the community became a place where I was destined to make life long friendships. It is hard to believe that Mattie and his preschool no longer exist. Since I was taking this photo, it means that it was my day to assist the teachers in the classroom. Since the school was a co-op, parents were required to assist monthly. I certainly welcomed being in the classroom because I wanted to understand what Mattie was learning, see Mattie in action, and get to know all his classmates. 

Quote of the day: Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none. ~ William Shakespeare

I did my usual Sunday routine and took my parents out for brunch. When I got home, I immediately headed for the garden. Yes it was over 90 degrees outside and very humid. That did not stop me. The mosquitoes and gnats are awful, and though I hate wearing it, the OFF bug spray came out. Otherwise, I am eaten alive. I haven't found anything else that works as effectively in the garden. Weeding for me is like trying to hold back the ocean. Mainly because whatever I do today, by next week, the weeds will be right back. Most people around me let their weeds grow, but for me it is therapeutic to be outside, pulling weeds, and trying to make things look beautiful. 

I think working in my garden and beautifying my surroundings are about the only things I have control over in my life. I can't control my parent's decline, I can't control my husband's choices, and I couldn't control Mattie's diagnosis and death. It is a very sobering reality to know that we have no control over the things in our lives that matter the most. Accepting that reality is hard and while the world is spinning around me, people are living what I deem more normal and happier lives, I am faced with trying to figure how to carry on each day. This feeling is not new to me, because when Mattie died, his death was so profound. My life literally stopped. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore. My foundation was shaken to the core and I guess I expected the rest of the world to feel this same sadness with me. But that isn't how grief and trauma work. These events can certainly impact a community, but at the end of the day, the person most affected is the individual who suffered the loss of trauma. That is also a sobering reality, or at least my reality.