Wednesday, December 2, 2009Tonight's picture was taken when Mattie was almost three years old. Mattie initially disliked taking a bath or even being in water. However, by the time he was three, he loved bath time. He could easily stay in the bathtub for an hour or longer, playing with his toys, and experimenting with the properties of water.
Poem of the day: Gossamer's Wings By Victoria Walker
Carried on the wings of love
You were swept away
To that glorious land
Where we'll see you again one day.
With the angels hovering near
You said your last good-bye
You gave up your battle
And soared into the sky.
That sweet smile
We will always carry in our hearts
Knowing you were ready
When from our lives you did depart.
Gossamer's wings I imagine
You now call your own
As you sail in the Heavens
And sit in front of the Throne.
No memory could ever endow
The true beauty of your soul
For God gave to us our own Angel
For a brief while to hold.
It was a rainy and cold day in Washington, DC, and my mood is greatly affected by the weather, even under normal circumstances. Of course, nothing about my life is normal now, so seeing the rain only further adds insult to injury. I met Ann today at the mall. One of the places she wanted to shop at was the Lego Store. As many of you know, Peter and I know the Lego Store like the back of our hands. This is the one place Mattie loved to go, and he also had a special night at this store which was planned by Linda (Mattie's childlife specialist) right before his sternotomy. Mattie was simply in his element that night. He was wheeling himself around the store, and was thrilled to design a Lego taxi with his friend, Abigail. It was a night to remember because it was after store hours, and no one else was in the store but us, Ann, Abigail, and some Lego Brick masters.
Ann suggested I wait outside the Lego store, because she wasn't sure how going in and seeing Legos would be for me. But I figured Mattie would have been very disappointed in me if I did not go in. When we went to purchase the item Ann needed, I immediately recognized Liz (who was one of the Lego staff who helped coordinate with Linda Mattie's event). I wasn't sure Liz recognized me, so I decided not to acknowledge her. After all, having to explain that Mattie died in the middle of the store did not seem appropriate. However, Liz did recognize me and she also heard about Mattie's death. She spoke to me for a little while, and within those moments I realized yet again, that Mattie is no longer physically with me and just how much I miss him. Legos will ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart. They are expensive pieces of plastic, but they were our lifesaver for over 13 months. Even under the worst of times, Mattie could be coaxed to purchase a Lego and build a creation. I realize Mattie was only seven years old, but he was a Lego Brick Master to me.
Some days it is harder than others to talk about some of the difficulties in my life. However, while at lunch with Ann, I seemed to be able to verbalize things today. Mind you though this isn't always the case. I have many days where I usually remain at home, and talking to anyone seems like a major feat. Not only it is a major feat, but a waste of time from my perspective because I feel like my problems are insurmountable and not fixable. I think talking to someone who is grieving can be a VERY challenging experience. Mainly because the process happens and unfolds in this case on my time frame and terms. I am the person who determines the pace, what I can handle, and how vulnerable I wish I be. Naturally to the outside world, dealing with grief is something that is perceived to happen in a matter of weeks (unless you have actually had a loss yourself, and realize how ludicrous it is to have an expected grieving time), and with that we all have our prescribed notions of what we think grief should look like. But that is just it, grief looks different for all of us, even for Peter and I. We know each other well, we both loved Mattie, yet how we express our grief and what we need to process this vast loss is at times different. Ann understands that I am not looking for answers, that I simply need to be heard, not judged, and supported so that I don't feel anymore isolated than I already am (isolation which naturally occurs from living in the minority.... living through the loss of a child).
I remained at the mall today by myself. I walked around, and in the process of looking around, I decided to go into a store because I saw a jacket from the outside that caught my eye. It was a beautiful cranberry color and made out of crushed velvet. I wasn't planning on trying it on or even purchasing it, because since Mattie's death I have felt that I do not need to buy anything for myself. Somehow I view purchasing things for myself as disrespectful to Mattie and simply not appropriate. So I did a lot of inner self talk today as I managed my way to trying on this jacket and eventually purchasing it.
I spent the evening working on this centerpiece project, and have it almost completed. I know several of you are asking to see pictures of it, and I promise to post them, once I have assembled Ann's table. Peter went out to dinner tonight and I am happy he got these moments away where he could talk and reconnect with a friend.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "First, it was good to hear that the appointment went well as we are all concerned about your migraines and the issues surrounding medication. I hope this gets resolved soon so that physical pain is not a frequent occurrence for you. I am glad you had the opportunity to visit with Ann and her family and that you were able to smile and laugh some. I know this season brings lots of memories and thoughts of things that you no longer do but hopefully as well as bringing pain for the loss, they also bring a smile sometimes for the remembered joy. Clearly you don't need to dig into boxes to find memories, they are all around you. Sometime in the future perhaps will be the point at which you are ready to face certain objects, but not now. As always follow your heart, it will tell you when you are ready. As always, I hold you gently in my heart."
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