Monday, November 30, 3009Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2004. Mattie was two and a half years old, and was beaming as he was surrounded by his favorite toys at the time. Cars and trucks, or anything with wheels.
Poem of the day: When You feel Lonely
When a person you love passes away
Look to the night sky on a clear day.
The star that to you,
appears to be bright,
Will be your loved one,
Looking upon you during the night.
The lights of heaven are what shows through
As your loved one watches all that you do.
When you feel lonely for the one that you love,
Look to the Heavens in the night sky above.
As the poem describes, I would have to say since Mattie's death, I feel as if I look to nature far more than I ever did before, for signs or connections to Mattie. I never cared for wind before, but now I welcome it, because with it, comes the twinkling of Mattie's chimes. Peter and I always take notice of the moon, and on nights when there is a full moon, we can't help but think about our "Mattie Moon" (The moon was a special symbol for Mattie. This was the symbol he was given during his first year in preschool, a symbol that started the first letter of his name.). In line with this looking to nature theme, I received a children's book today in the mail from my sister-in-law's friend, Carolyn. Carolyn sent me the book, "The Littlest Angel." It is a story written by Charles Tazewell in 1939. The story is about a small angel who simply can't get with the program no matter how hard he tries until an understanding elder realizes that he is homesick and needs to retrieve a box of his most treasured possessions from back home on Earth. When it comes time for Jesus to be born on Earth, the Littlest Angel gives his precious box to the Baby, but he is worried that God will think his gift is too humble. However, God is pleased indeed, and transforms the box into the Star of Bethlehem.
I do not recall ever reading or hearing this story before, but as I was reading it tonight, I couldn't help but realize that Carolyn gave me this book at Christmas time, in hopes that I would be reflecting on my littlest angel. I have doubts about many things these days, but one thing I do know, is if Mattie is not on this Earth with Peter and I, then he is twinkling down at us from the heavens. He may not be the star of Bethlehem, but he is my brightest star in the darkest of nights.
I spent the entire day at home today, never really leaving my bedroom. I find spending time on the first level of our home difficult, since this was the area where Mattie did most of his play, and where we spent most of our time together. Despite being confined today, Patches, our calico cat, kept me company. She stayed by my side the entire day, and watched as I was putting together Ann's centerpiece, which is a work in progress. I am trying to create a winter wonderland scene for Ann's table, and the focal point of this scene are handmade trees out of candies. I joked with Ann today when I told her if I never see a candy cane again, it will be too soon. I realize we all have our own ways of handling sadness and depression in our lives. Not unlike Mattie, when I am uncertain, unhappy, or need to retreat, turning to art and being creative in some way is therapeutic. If any of you doubt Mattie's creativity, I would just have you pause and reflect on all his pieces on display during his reception of life. His works practically filled three rooms, illustrating how prolific he was in just 13 months.
I spent the entire day working on creating two out of the three trees. While working on this project, I was using a hot glue gun. This had to be Mattie's favorite device in the Lombardi Clinic. Mattie became a hot glue gun king, and over the course of his treatment, I too learned how to proficiently use one without making a royal mess. So while constructing the trees, I was watching the Hallmark channel on TV. This channel is featuring Christmas movies all month long. However, I can honestly say, I never saw or heard of any of the movies I watched today. Besides Christmas being the main focus of the movie, there was also an underlying theme. Each movie dealt with the issue of loss or death in some way. Needless to say, this caught my attention, the pairing of Christmas and coping with the death of a loved one.
I have been giving great thought as to what to do for Christmas. Peter and I are both conflicted and we even discussed the idea of going away. In fact, we both came up with the idea that we wanted to venture down South to Charleston, SC for Christmas. However, today when I started to research this trip, after about ten minutes I had to stop. I stopped because I asked myself, why am I doing this? Am I going away because I want to go away, or am I going away because others are telling me this is what I "should" do? It is plain and simple, I do not want to go away. My heart isn't into it, and why be miserable somewhere else, when I can be equally miserable at home. Of course I could change my mind tomorrow, because I have fleeting happy moments where a trip seems doable, but then the reality of my situation always comes back to haunt me.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I read your blog and I understand how the poem (Love me enough to let me go) could invoke more than one feeling in you. I think the author was saying that there comes a point when something cannot be fixed, when someone is in so much pain that if you love them, you let them go. That's what you did for Mattie. I know you want Mattie back but you don't want Mattie as he was toward the end, suffering, hurting and in pain that could not be alleviated. I am sure you will find your way with the foundation and as you make your needs known, the right people will come forward to help you develop it into what you want it to be. Just remember, you are only one person and you cannot do it all yourself. I am sorry you could not get to Roosevelt Island to walk and enjoy the weather and the peace you usually find there, but I am glad you did take a walk today nonetheless. Not only do you have the difficult task of dealing with your feelings and your sorrow, you also need to find a way to overcome grief induced exhaustion and get back in touch with your physical self as well. As always, be kind to yourself, do what feels right and as much as possible try to find a bit of serenity in the day."
The second message is from Mattie's social worker at the Hospital. As my daily bloggers already know, Denise has been very supportive of Peter and I and has written us some beautiful messages since Mattie's death. Denise wrote, "It was very nice to see you last week and I am sorry that the visit was interrupted by an emergency. I hope in some small way that you were comforted by knowing that you are very much cared for here and that you and Peter have your own significance with everyone separate from Mattie. I wanted to send Thanksgiving blessings to you, recognizing that the loss of Mattie may feel even more intense during the holiday season. I trust that you will be embraced by the love of family and friends and that it may give you some measure of comfort to know how much you are loved and cared for. Everyday you give of yourselves through your blog helping countless people cope with difficult life situations, decisions, survival and the meaning of life. May you be blessed as you are blessing others."
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