Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Tuesday, February 2, 2010 -- Mattie died 21 weeks ago today!

Tonight's picture was taken when Mattie was 10 months old. He is pictured in one of his favorite modes of locomotion, his walker (aka "tot wheels!"). Mattie couldn't walk or crawl by this point, yet in his walker, he literally could fly around the first floor of our home. If I let him outside, I would literally have to run after him to keep up! Got to love that smile. Can you guess who took this picture?!


Poem of the day: The Question by Charlie Brown (Thank you Charlie for capturing the sentiments I expressed yesterday so beautifully!)

Today was a day like any other
One more when I question
Am I still a mother?
Do you have children? Someone asked me today
And I was caught, what could I say?
I could not say no, I would not lie
You're my beloved son, I will not deny
If I said yes, I do, would how old be asked?
And so on and on until my grief was unmasked.
So this time I said, yes, a son but he's gone
Cancer took him and I am alone
I heard myself say it and could hardly believe
That those words were said, and I instantly grieved
That an innocent question, once answered with ease
I pray no one asks, if God hears my pleas
It was all too much, so I hurried home
And tried to deal with my grief on my own
But good friends reached out and helped me endure
The loss of your presence, for which there's no cure
Today was tough and the battle was hard
My heart and my mind bear many scars
But I will keep trying, it is what I must do
If I am to find a way to live without you.

Another week has flown by, and we are greeted with yet another Tuesday. This Tuesday signifies the 21st week since Mattie died. Yesterday was clearly a challenging day, I figured today couldn't possibly be worse. I spent a good portion of the day at Ann's house, working on a project. It was peaceful at her house, and I had the uninterrupted time to work on the construction of a costume for one of her daughters. As I sat for several hours and sewed in silence, which was actually very soothing, I suddenly tuned into a sound that was very familiar. I have heard this noise many times in my life. I really believe I experienced a sign from nature today. It made me pause, think of Mattie and simply wonder if he was trying to communicate to me. To tell me he is out there and will always be with me.

I could hear birds outside Ann's house. But I knew I recognized this particular bird call. It was the call of Blue Jays. I rarely see Blue Jays in our area, they are not as common here as they are in the North East. In fact, I have spent a great deal of time at Ann's house, and frankly can't recall ever hearing or seeing a Blue Jay before today!

When Mattie would visit Peter's parents in Boston, Mattie and his grandmother would watch for Blue Jays in their backyard. Peter's mother helped Mattie learn the call of a Blue Jay, and this knowledge stuck with him, the Blue Jay became one of Mattie's favorite birds. As I sat sewing, there was so much bird traffic and song, that I couldn't help but stop and take notice. It was almost as if the birds were trying to get my attention, and it worked! I listened and realized I was listening to Blue Jays. I immediately felt as if a force greater than I can actually understand, perhaps my spiritual connection to Mattie, was trying to tell me something. I was not sure how to process and understand my Blue Jay encounter, and did not speak about it all day.

I had lunch with Ann and I did not mention it there either. But when I got home this afternoon, I sent Ann a message. I asked her whether she noticed Blue Jays in her front yard before. I am sure this seemed like an odd question, but she answered it and said rarely has she had a Blue Jay sighting, but today she couldn't help but notice their presence. I then told her about Mattie and his love for Blue Jays. Basically I think this sign from nature gave us pause. I deeply would like to believe Mattie is out there, watching us, and is happy and healthy and able to listen and play alongside these wonderful Blue Jays now.

I appreciated the e-mails of support I received today. The power of social support is immeasurable. I would like to end tonight's posting with three messages. The first message is from Mattie's oncologist and our friend, Kristen. Kristen wrote, "I am thinking of you today and can't help but feel your pain. It is palpable. I can't tell you in the last several months how many people have asked if I have children, or even "why not?" When I've said no. Obviously, with me starting a new job...it is a very typical "small-talk" question..."do you have children?" And all I can say...is that people just don't understand. And some people...some people never will. First, though, I can tell you that however you choose to answer that question...your answer is correct. It is right. And if you argue with me that perhaps it isn't 'right.' I will argue back that it was certainly right for the time. Even if you feel "guilty" for "shocking" someone, there should be no guilt in this. I can imagine that you have just taught a very difficult lesson to those who ask "well meaning questions" and I can almost guarantee that three women will not be asking a similar question to someone whose life they know little about for quite some time, if ever. Please don't feel your reaction is wrong. It can never be wrong because it is based on feelings which you, and only you, own. Thinking of you both. Much love, on this Tuesday and every day."

The second message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I am saddened by what the results of an innocent question from a store clerk could do. All I can offer here is what I have read and been told by others who have been in similar positions. Sit down and decide what you want to say to different groups of people. First, there are people you don't know and are unlikely to ever have any sort of on going relationship with (these are the people that say, Hi, how are you? as a greeting but really don't know you nor have an interest in how you are and to who you would answer "fine" no matter if you had been given a month to live). Then there is another group, those you know but haven't spoken to, we call them the Christmas Card list. They are those you've known a long time but only see/hear from once or twice a year. And third, those you have a relationship with but who somehow managed to be in the Australian Outback for the past two years, out of touch with the world and who really need an in-depth answer. Maybe you have additional categories? Anyway, think about it, decide how much you wish to share (it is your life and you are entitled to privacy and not to share information) and then PRACTICE! Locking yourself away, stopping your life is an option but a very poor one. Immersing yourself in your grief for hours on end is not going to make you feel any less guilty in the long run, nor will it honor Mattie and his memory. He loved the outdoors, and creativity and his friends and family, so to honor him you should be including, not excluding those things from your life. Balance is the key here. Time alone to reflect, to develop some strength and then interactive productive time each day. Today as I practice, as I look for my internal balance, I will send my energy to you to help you in your search as well."
 
The third message is from our friend Emily. Emily was one of Mattie's favorite babysitters. Emily wrote, "I know it has been a while since I have last written, but I have not stopped reading the blog nor have I stopped thinking of you, Peter, and my Mattie. When I read your blog yesterday about how to respond to someone when they ask if you have a child, I noticed that you wrote that you were not filtering your words which is why you chose to say that you had a child but he died from cancer. I feel as though that was an honest, genuine and appropriate answer to that question- I believe that although your response may illicit a surprised/shocked/ saddened/frozen reaction from the person with whom you are speaking, I believe that it will ultimately have a positive affect on them. It is likely that your response will make them think about possibly their own children/grandchildren, or other children with whom they are close to- I think responding with such authenticity is courageous and brave of you and does not require a filter at all. When people ask questions they ideally should be prepared for whatever the response may be, and the responsibility ultimately does not lie within you to protect them from what may be a difficult thing to hear. I am unsure if your question was rhetorical or not, so if it was, I apologize for putting in my two cents- but either way, I want you to know that I do not think your response was anything but honest, authentic, strong and brave. On a side note, the other day Adam and I were organizing his neck ties, and we came across a tie I bought him a few years ago which has a beautiful illustration of a scene from The Lion King. It really had not much sentimental meaning when I bought it other than Adam really liked the Disney movie, but this time when we looked at it, we both looked at each other and talked about how it will forever remind us of Mattie....This is just one of many moments during my day when I think of Mattie and how deeply he touched my life. Thinking of you always..."