Monday, February 1, 2010Tonight's picture was taken when Mattie was 14 months old. He wasn't walking yet, but he found his own way to scoot around on the floor, without ever crawling. I snapped a picture of him on that day back in June 2003, as he was migrating from our living room into our dining room. In the picture, you can see Mattie wearing one of my favorite outfits he had, his overalls with whales on them. In my opinion, Mattie happened to be lucky because every possible clothing color looked good on him!
Poem of the day: I Can Almost by Victoria Walker
In the shadows of my mind,
Bringing to me the peace
I have struggled so hard to find.
I can almost hear your voice
Telling me "Be not saddened nor afraid,
Just remember all the good,
How we loved and laughed and played".
I can almost feel your touch
Wiping away my every tear
As I stand among my shattered dreams
Letting me know you [both] are still near.
I can almost hear you say,
"One day, you'll be here too.
Live the life you have before you
For we will be here, waiting to welcome you."
Today was NOT a good day! It started out fine, and I had every intention for it to be a productive day, since I spent most of the weekend home in bed feeling sick. Yet this morning an innocent comment from a store clerk, sent me spiraling down hill quickly, and it changed my outlook and feeling about the rest of the day. I am working on a project with Ann's daughter, and for the project I needed to go to a craft store and get a couple of items. As I was at this particular craft store, the lady working behind the counter began chatting with me. She asked me about my project, and then she showed me the project she was working on for her granddaughter. This lady was kind enough to help me in the store as well. While checking out, she asked me the innocent question..... do you have children? It was a natural question, after all, we were talking about a project for a child! However, believe it or not, since Mattie's death this is the first time someone has asked me such a question. Typically I would think through my answer, but my immediate response today was "yes I had a child, but he died of cancer." Naturally, this was NOT the response the lady was intending to hear, nor was it the response the two pregnant women in line with me expected to hear. All three people around me froze. Again, not my intention. Today I wasn't filtering things like I normally do, and though being honest may appear to be a healthy thing, my response made me very upset for the rest of the day.
After this response, I still had to continue shopping at other stores, but I felt as if I was on automatic pilot rather than really focusing on my mission. Throughout any given day, I always have three people who e-mail or text me to check in. By now, I would assume my readers can guess who these three people are: Peter, Ann, and Karen. I landed up telling them electronically what just transpired, and interestingly enough all three of them gave me completely different reactions to what I wrote. Needless to say, after my errands were done, I decided to go home and just stay home.
If you were me, how would you respond to the question..... do you have children? As I have been thinking about it all afternoon, I think my future responses will be situationally dependent. For the most part, I don't think people want or care to know that I had a child and he died of cancer. My loss, though the worst thing that happened in my life, is not the most important piece of news in other people's lives. This is a reality that I am coming to terms with slowly. But the question today, made me revisit every possible feeling I have about having Mattie, about Mattie developing cancer, and then of course Mattie dying. Yes I will always be Mattie's mom, but do I currently have children? The plain and simple answer is NO! When I arrived home from this shopping expedition, I saw a picture on our front hall table of Mattie and I together on Valentine's day at Georgetown Hospital. It is one my favorite pictures that Jenny, Mattie's art therapist, captured after Mattie made me a valentine's day box and cards. I looked at that picture for several minutes this afternoon, because without Mattie in my life, it almost feels like I have lived two lives. A life when I was a parent, and a life now without being Mattie's mom. What troubles me about this, is I have so much cancer stuff shoved into my head, that I can't always recall the simpler and more happier times. Or maybe these times seem like a lifetime ago, and that alone is upsetting.
I began feeling guilty today for trying to go out and function in the world. Guilty because maybe I should be spending my energy focusing on my feelings. I don't want to find myself a year from now reflecting back on how I dealt with grief and see only a picture of me doing tasks. I don't think I am doing this, since I am quite reflective and not a day goes by when I am not grappling with some emotion. Nonetheless, the feeling of surviving and trying to live, automatically makes me feel guilty on some level.
When I read Charlie's message to me today, she attached Martina McBride's song, Anyway. I have posted this song to the blog before, but I have attached the link again, in case you want to see it. I particularly like the written messages in the song. At the end of the music video, is the written message, "I want to be......." All I could think of today, after seeing this message was "I want to be OKAY!"
With the way I was feeling today, it was so nice to be treated to someone else cooking dinner tonight. Thank you Tamra for your kindness and support! Tamra not only cooked for us, but also gave me the recipe! This was a beautiful gift to receive on such a down day.
I end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I am very glad you got out yesterday and went to the ballet. Sometimes we feel better just by getting out and doing something like that. Yesterday's poem really struck a chord with me as well. Often people think of the survivor as the one who has gone through the disease and come out on the positive side of it; they forget that the people who travel with them are survivors too, regardless of the results. And when you are the survivor and the one you have battled so long and hard for doesn't make it; that makes survival very bittersweet. While you were at the ballet last night, I was at the Patriot Center for Trace Adkins and Martina McBride and what stayed with me was her song..."Anyway" and here is the link to the video. http://music.aol.com/video/anyway/martina-mcbride/1863728
Her lyrics..."God is great, but sometimes life ain't good. And when I pray, it doesn't always turn out like I think it should. But I do it anyway." really touched me. Isn't that often the way of it? How many prayers went out on Mattie's behalf and the results were not at all what we hoped, but we all did it anyway. And I continue to pray for you and Peter. May the joy you found in the ballet yesterday, stay with you today. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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