Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007, during Mattie's second year in preschool. In fact, it was day 107 of his preschool year in this photo, and since he was line leader that day, he got to bring in three things he wanted to showcase in his class "museum." Mattie and I talked about this for days before he finally picked the three items he wanted to show his classmates. The first item, which you may be able to see on the table behind Mattie, was a battery powered Elmo. What Mattie loved about this Elmo was he did the Hokey Pokey. If I recall correctly, once Mattie flipped Elmo's "on" switch and Elmo began to dance, it inspired all of us and we got up and danced the hokey pokey too. The second item was a jack-in-a-box, which Mattie loved. We got it together on his trip to Sesame Place in PA. Despite winding the box up so many times, Mattie never got tired of seeing Super Grover jump out of it. The third item he brought that day to showcase was a special book I got him. The book featured the story of, The Little Train That Could. But the fun part about the book was it had a wind up train that attached to the book and literally made the train trip as you were reading the story. For years, Mattie LOVED this book and this train. I remember the excitement of that day in preschool, and I remember snapping that picture of Mattie during circle time. During Mattie's second year of preschool his symbol changed from Mattie Moon, to Mattie Magnet. The irony is the magnet was also another powerful symbol that captured Mattie's personality, and I can't see a moon or think about a magnet without reflection upon Mattie.
Quote of the day: Grief makes one hour ten. ~ William Shakespeare
Shakespeare is absolutely correct. Time takes on a completely new meaning after the death of a loved one. In a way, the days seem longer than 24 hours and in so many ways, each day in an extension of the previous one. Instead, without Mattie in our daily lives, the signs of demarcation that guide a day, week, and year are clearly missing. For us, time is now marked as............ before Mattie's death AND after Mattie's death.
As I was getting ready this morning, I heard an advertisement on the radio for the Disney movie, Bambi. In fact, the scene I heard was the dialogue between Bambi and his new found friend, Flower, the skunk. In any case, just listening to the commercial reminded me of the many times I watched this movie with Mattie. Bambi was not one of my favorite Disney films, because as you know, Bambi's mom is shot by a hunter, and as an adult, your heart is shattered thinking about Bambi growing up without his mom. As Mattie's mom, and most likely ALL moms, we view this movie and say to ourselves..... what would happen to my baby if I died? Naturally we do not think the other way around..... what if my baby dies, what will happen to me? That definitely wouldn't make for a pretty Disney movie plot.
Anycase, I did not get hung up long on Bambi, because my mind quickly jumped from one Disney movie to the next. The next being Dumbo. Dumbo also has a sad plot to it, in the sense that Dumbo is separated from his mom, because she is deemed a "mad elephant." Of course any mother would be considered dangerous if her child was threatened, as was the case with Dumbo. Mattie and I watched Dumbo many, many times. It was one of my favorite films as a child, and the part that Mattie and I always loved together was when Dumbo's mom sings "Baby of Mine" to him. I attached the link to the song below to refresh your memory of this precious moment in the film. But basically Dumbo's mom is in confinement and separated from Dumbo. One night, Dumbo visits her, and the song is the tender interchange between the two. Needless to say, Mattie and I had many "Baby of Mine" moments in the Hospital, as we spent long, harrowing, and torturous hours together fighting cancer.
Baby of Mine - from the Movie Dumbo: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CORf1liT9cE
I met up with Ann later today at the bookstore. I have renamed this bookstore, the breakdown bookstore. Because just last week, I had a crying fit there. Today I stayed in the fiction section, but even so, I find that I gravitate to stories that elaborate on grief and loss. In the midst of that, we found a book that profiles people by their date of birth. I figured how accurate could this book honestly be, because what does a month and date actually reveal about a person. The funny part is I would say the book is quite accurate, and when I read the description of a person born on April 4 (Mattie's birthday), I was stunned. It describes this person as an outstanding builder, as creative, artistic, and very loyal. All characteristic traits of Mattie!
However, I did not feel like venturing out much today, and returned home early in the day. My buddy, Patches, was thrilled to see me, and kept me company. I do find that I am extremely tired, and I am not sure if that is because of the weather, my physical recovery from last week, or where I am at emotionally. Perhaps all three!
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