Tonight's picture just makes me laugh! It was taken in August of 2003, on Mattie's second trip out to California to visit my parents. We were at the Los Angeles County Zoo, specifically at the sting ray pool, where children and adults could touch these creatures. As you can see Peter snapped quite the picture of us. The story line here was simple. I was bent down next to Mattie pointing things out in the pool, and Mattie was intrigued and ready to jump in to grab what he was seeing. Of course that wasn't going to happen since my mom had a hold of him from behind. Mattie liked freedom and did not like being constricted in any way, so with him it was an art form on how to hold him without him really feeling it! Mattie had many special zoo encounters, and I am happy to have the pictures to remind me of these moments.
Quote of the day: Friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief. ~ Swedish Proverb
I had the opportunity to spend part of the afternoon today with Mary (Ann's mom). As our friendship is evolving, I get the feeling that she enjoys seeing me on a more regular basis. Mary was tired today, yet despite feeling that way, it was evident that she appreciated my visit. Even if Mary is napping, she will periodically open her eyes, check if I am there, chat for a bit, and then go back to resting. Mary is a social person and I think even while napping she enjoys the physical presence of a friend around.
While Mary was napping, in between our chats, I spent time with her roommate. Mary's roommate, I believe, has Alzheimer's disease. She is cute as a button and is physically agile for her age. Based on her disease progression she needs a great deal of attention, reassurance, and companionship. So today I had the opportunity to sit with my new friend for several hours. What I noticed over time, not minutes, but HOURS, is that my companionship seemed to make a difference in her behavior. In the sense that she wasn't rocking back and forth, calling out for help, and crying for attention. All signs of anxiety and confusion, which I saw when I entered the room. I am not implying I did anything special or miraculous. But what I am directly saying is that when human beings are truly present with each other, wonderful things can happen. Even if they are not cognitively intact. The power of patience, time, physical, and emotional connectiveness is the prescription that each geriatric physician should be scribbling on their prescription pads for their patients. When I forget about the importance of these basic human needs, I just reflect upon my new friend, and it is a picture that will remain vividly planted in my brain.
Tonight marks day FOUR of which I will be discussing the article, Good News About Grief: As the nation mourns those killed in Tucson, a new look at the science of loss shows we're more resilient than we thought. This article was featured in Time magazine (January 24, 2011, pp. 42-46) and was written by Ruth Davis Konigsberg. At dinner, I chatted with Peter about the article. I felt like I wanted his male perspective, since tonight's myth highlights gender differences and grief.
Just like I have done the previous three nights, I will share with you Konigsberg's writing, and then give my commentary below. Here is the third myth presented in Konigsberg's Time magazine article.
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Myth No.3 Grief is Harder on Women
This stereotype can be traced back to a survey of 430 widows in Boston that was conducted from 1967 to 1973 - a time when women, especially older ones, were more dependent on their husbands, both for a sense of identity and financial security, than is the case today. Although no men were included in the survey, the author, psychologist Phyllis Silverman, argued that the death of a spouse weighs more heavily on women because it presents a massive identity crisis for them: "While men need others, their self-development focuses more on individuation and autonomy. A woman's identity is largely framed by relationships..... in losing an essential relationship, she loses an essential part of herself."
It's hard to say whether Silverman's analysis was colored by gender stereotypes popular in psychology at the time or whether it was swayed by her method of recruiting study participants. Most of the women who responded to her widow to widow outreach program were full time homemakers when their husbands died. (Many of them did not even know how to drive.) It was the women who declined help from Silverman's outreach program - and therefore never became part of the study - who had worked outside the home before their husbands' death and continued to work. Of them Silverman noted, they were "correct in their appraisal" that they didn't need help when it was offered, although that assessment did not change her final conclusion that widowhood universally does major and long-lasting damage to women.
The gender beliefs of the people who write about and attempt to help others cope with loss have surely contributed to this misconception. According to a survey sent to counselors who had been certified by the Association for Death Education and Counseling, female grief counselors are more likely than male counselors to believe that there are sex differences in bereavement and that women need more time to work through their grief. Women are also more likely to become grief counselors in the first place.
In 2001, the Stroebes examined all studies that had attempted to measure who suffers more, men or women. To be included, the studies had to meet one of two conditions: widows and widowers had to be compared with a control group of married men and women, or they had to have been evaluated before the loss of their spouse to establish a baseline of their mental health. As the Stroebes pointed out mental distress is not unique to grief alone, and women suffer higher rates of depression in general, regardless of whether they've lost a husband or not. The resulting analysis came to a surprising conclusion: relatively speaking, men suffer more from being bereaved. Yes, widows measured higher on depression scores than widowers, but not once women's prebereavement or control-group depression levels were factored in.
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I have to say that I understand the underlying premise for why Konigsberg is attacking this myth. I think there is a misperspection in our society about gender differences as it relates to grief. However, I just wish that she cited articles that were more timely and relevant to our 2011 culture, rather than highlighting research from a study conducted in the 1970s. Naturally when hearing the results of this study we clearly can't determine the accuracy of the data, because the gender role climate three decades ago was quite different.
Konigsberg then cited the 2001 Stroebes study. Here is my issue with all of this. In the midst of her trying to refute the myth that women grieve harder than men (whatever that really MEANS) she is propagating a new myth that "men suffer more from being bereaved." Does it matter which gender grieves more? Is that really the relevant question? Should this be a competition? Or should perhaps we look at assessing the different ways men and women react and handle grief, so that effective treatments and coping strategies can be used to assist them? I agree with her! It is a myth that women grieve more than men. Men grieve, and I asked Peter specifically tonight about this topic. From his perspective, men and women grieve in different ways. He did not like quantifying the level of grief and also felt that was counterproductive. But as Peter reminded me, men do not have many emotional outlets to express grief to, like women do. For women, verbalizing and talking through feelings is rather common place. We just naturally do this with our friends and this form of expression is not considered unusual. Therefore, for example, as I am grieving the loss of Mattie, I have a built in network of women who I can turn to, who are used to connecting with me on an emotional level. This isn't true for men, and certainly over the course of our own grief, I have found many people we know are simply unsure how to help or reach out to Peter. I believe this has a lot to do with the gender stereotypes that are prevalent in our society. Men are supposed to be solid, not to show emotion, and certainly aren't supposed to cry. So what are men left to do? They are left to do just that...... they do! Which may explain why Peter has and continues to be a major driving force in Mattie's Foundation. Early on, after Mattie's loss, I found that Peter mobilized and was energized to create the Foundation and to get it up, running, and productive.
As Peter discussed this issue with me tonight, it became clear that he simply has NO time to grieve. Because he took SO much time off of work when Mattie was ill and dying, he had to return to work fairly quickly and then re-engage rapidly. The workplace is not the environment to discuss, process, and feel grief. At work, Peter must look together, sharp, and I hate to say it, but as if NOTHING is wrong. That is a hard facade to put on even on a good day, but almost impossible to do after you lost your only child. As Peter said, "where is my outlet?" Naturally in the past, when Peter or I had an issue, we could always turn to each other for help. With the loss of Mattie, this isn't the case. This is a VERY, VERY challenging issue to talk about between us, much less to sit with and help each other through it. One thing Konigsberg's myth as enabled us to do tonight, is to talk about the challenges of Mattie's loss for us. Obviously my main outlet for talking about Mattie's loss is this blog. Though Mattie and I were very close and inseparable in many ways, now that he is gone, I do not talk to him. I think of him, but I do not talk to him. Peter, however, has internal chats with Mattie, and these chats can be inspired by seeing the sun, moon, or walking on Roosevelt Island. A part of me wishes I could have those chats, and I admire Peter's ability to do this. I guess what saddens me about this whole conversation this evening is even though Peter and I are working through the loss of Mattie, it is something that has and will always be a part of our relationship. I assure you this is not an easy "something" for any couple to contend with and it does put enormous pressure on a relationship. Which is why from my perspective debating whether men or women are grieving more is irrelevant and inconsequential. The point is both grieve, both hurt, and both need outlets to cope.
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