Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Tuesday, October 25, 2011 -- Mattie died 111 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2006 at Pumpkinville. Pumpkinville is a fall festival held in Leesburg, VA. This is a wonderful festival because it is located on an animal farm, where the children can actually meet and pet some wonderful barn yard animals in addition to participating in fun and creative activities. As you can see, I had Peter and Mattie stand by a pumpkin ruler to capture Mattie's height. What I also notice in this picture was Mattie's red coat. That was the first year he wore red! He picked the color, because typically I would buy him navy colored jackets. However, Mattie was all about bold and happy colors, and in all reality he was definitely right he belonged in a red coat, NOT a navy one.

Quote of the day: Unable are the loved to die for love is immortality. ~ Emily Dickinson

I think tonight's quote is truly beautiful. As soon as I saw it, it spoke to me. Maybe it spoke to me because of a chance encounter I had at lunch today. This chance encounter impacted my feelings for the entire day. After zumba class, I met up with Ann. She is working on a chocolate project with her children and we met each other at one of my favorite stores, AC Moore. After shopping we went for lunch. At lunch, I noticed a familiar face at the restaurant, Chris. I met Chris through Ann back in 2009. One summer, Ann invited me to her daughter's dance recital. While at the recital Chris came up to me, introduced herself, and hugged me because she felt she knew me from my writings. Chris let me know that she was an avid blog reader and thought about us everyday. Actually Chris' words at the dance recital were quite powerful and I had no idea how someone whom I never met could be so in love with my son and our story. Chris' feedback was so appreciated and made me feel like through the blog I was making a difference in how other people lived their lives. Our story doesn't end there. Chris and her family are still connected to us. At this year's Foundation walk, Chris and Chris' sister, who I believe lives in NJ, came to the walk with their family. In fact, Chris' children and her sister's children raised money for the Foundation and presented it to us at the walk. I was beyond touched, and very impressed with the initiative from these children.

When I met Chris today, I did not realize she was still a faithful blog reader. After all, I know the main draw to the blog when it was created was Mattie, and now that this cutie is gone, the fight is in essence over. The remaining battle is grief, and I know that isn't always fun to read about. Nonetheless, Chris got a hold of me today and hugged me and thanked me for my writings, my honesty, and for being SO real. She also let me know that she loves Mattie's pictures and getting to know him through the blog. What she was saying is she loves my son! It is the word LOVE that captured me today, because if people love Mattie, beyond my love for him, then in fact like the quote says he is immortalized. So though I have moments where I would like to say, NO MORE BLOG. Or I am tired of writing, or what could I possibly write about, I find the strength to continue writing because I have found through words, Mattie's memory remains alive and well. For some writing a daily blog maybe about getting words out to the masses, but to me the blog is very personal and perhaps is the living testament of how a seven year old touched his family and his community.

As I was having lunch, Chris came by to let me know that she thinks I am "amazing." That she admires my courage and most importantly she says she is so impressed with what I accomplish each year. So she says when I have doubts, I should just reflect on what she said. Her continual words of kindness and encouragement remain with me.

This evening Peter and I went to the Kennedy Center to see the new 25th anniversary production of Les Miserables. The key word in this sentence is NEW. Sometimes NEW isn't always better. That was certainly the case in tonight's performance. Honestly as I was sitting through the musical, I began to get more and more disappointed in what I was seeing. The staging and scenery were a nightmare, compared to the original revolving or turntable stage. However, the true disappointment was the singing. If you could call it singing, it was more like screaming. I am quite sure that if tonight's performance occurred 25 years ago, Les Mis would never have become the smash hit that it is considered today. The only thing this show had going for it tonight was the actual music and the story line which were all powerful and touching.

However, post-Mattie's death I realize my view of things can be skewed and distorted and things that once interested me, may now seem blah or boring. So when I got home tonight, I googled the Washington Post review of this performance. I don't always agree with the Post, but I felt I needed to read a critic's reaction. I included the link below if you would like to read it, but after reading this piece, I feel good knowing I am not living on another planet too affected by grief to be objective.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/les-miserables-back-at-kennedy-center-for-25th-anniversary/2011/09/29/gIQAnKId8K_story.html

I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy wrote, "The pictures and stories about Mattie and October are precious. For many children Halloween is about candy and trick or treating, with Mattie it seemed to be pumpkins. (You would have enjoyed the restaurant we went to on Saturday evening as they were featuring pumpkin ravioli and pumpkin cheesecake.) Mom's note about Tricia was poetic and full of important information about Mattie and Tricia's care for him. It was exciting seeing that she was a finalist and I'll wait patiently to learn the final decision. It seems like many people have been involved with the blog recently as I noticed the hits are over 311,000. That says a lot about the team of Vicki, Peter, and Mattie Brown! I had the same reaction to the Anais Ain quote that Charlie sent and ended up reading it a second time too. Filters have their purpose and not everyone of them is for the good of a relationship. I remember some of the doctors and how they responded to all of you during Mattie's treatments and hospitalizations. Thank g-d for Tricia and the other wonderful members of Georgetown Hospital that you've described to us many times as they were able to assist, advocate, nurture, and relax all of you even at the worst of times. The quote by Sydney Smith was special to me too: "It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can only do little - do what you can". In my opinion this doesn't apply to you directly as Peter and you were fierce advocates on Mattie's behalf. It does echo some of the other conversations that we've had about others reactions to Mattie's situation and now your feelings following Mattie's death. For some, the depth of feeling following a loss so deep is a feeling of helplessness on the listener's part. Of course, you were not looking for some to do anything because there was nothing that they could do, all you needed was for them to do what they could; and what you needed was for them to just BE with Peter and you. I forgot to mention that I was glad to read of Peter's trip with the other Peter. I know how important the outdoors is to "your Peter" and after his last two business trips, this must have been a welcome gift. Thinking of you and sending hugs today and always."