Thursday, May 23, 2013

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2009, at the Mattie March. In the photo with Mattie are Ariel and Tess. Both of these women were students of mine. In fact, Ariel went on to become a pediatric nurse and now works in a well known hospital in NYC. I am very proud of her and the profession she chose. Both Ariel and Tess worked with Mattie at the March to help him create a Mother's Day gift for me. This was the last Mother's Day gift I ever received. Mattie made me a beautiful card and decorated a bag for me. All things I kept and mean a lot to me.


Quote of the day: Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect. ~ Margaret Mitchell


This afternoon my parents and I visited Mattie's favorite restaurant for lunch. When Mattie was in preschool, we used to take Mattie to this restaurant quite often after school. We frequented this restaurant so often that we got to know the manager of the restaurant and eventually Becca, the executive chef (the wonderful person who donates and cooks all our food at each Foundation Walk!). Though Peter and I visit this restaurant quite frequently now on the weekends, the manager we know only works during the week. So in essence we haven't seen him in a LONG time! Today when we walked into the restaurant, we immediately saw Mike. Despite not seeing each other in ages, he knew exactly who we were. We are not the only patrons who have fallen in love with Mike. He is a people person, cares about his diners, and makes you feel special. I recall how special he always made Mattie feel when he was healthy, and I most especially remember how kind he was to Mattie when he was battling cancer and in a wheelchair. He treated Mattie like a "normal" kid, engaged him in conversation, and always gave him a toy to play with. This of course was when Mattie was well enough to go out into public spaces. As Mattie's treatment continued, he became more and more remote so that interacting with people became almost non-existent.

We can not visit Mike's restaurant without thinking of Mattie. We practically sat in almost every booth within the restaurant when Mattie was alive and whenever I pass the pond with the koi outside, I pause. Mattie is no longer alive, but his presence exists for all of us at this restaurant. Seeing Mike today just exacerbated that feeling for me!

As Margaret Mitchell said, "life is under NO obligation to give us what we expect." I never expected to give birth to a baby and then lose him seven years later to cancer. I do not think anyone could have possibly prepared me for this reality! I had the expectation that I would see Mattie go to school, make friends, participate in school events, graduate, have a girlfriend, get married, and the list goes on. None of these expectations will ever be met and frankly it gives me no comfort knowing that as Mattie's classmates graduate from elementary school next week, that Mattie's name will be mentioned, or that his classmates may say a reflection about him during graduation. From my perspective these are all niceties, niceties that will not bring Mattie back, and in many ways the whole notion of graduation incenses me. I freely admit that I can not be mature about this nor can I appreciate that others are graduating, that others are maturing, growing up, and moving onto middle school. For me, I am trapped in kindergarten and most likely that is where my heart and mind will remain.