Sunday, June 16, 2013

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2006. Mattie was four years old and as you can see Mattie and Peter were wearing matching preschool t-shirts! I happen to like this photo a lot and in honor of Father's Day, I decided to post it. When I snapped this photo years ago, it never dawned on me that taking photos of my two boys together would be FINITE.


A POEM IN HONOR OF FATHER'S DAY................................

A DAD HURTS TOO by Judi Walker

People don’t always see the tears a dad cries,
His heart is broken too when his child dies.
He tries to hold it together and be strong,
Even though his world’s gone wrong.
He holds his wife as her tears fall,
Comforts her through it all,
He goes through his day doing what he’s supposed to do,
But a piece of his heart has been ripped away too.
So when he’s alone he lets out his pain,
And his tears come like falling rain,
His world has crashed in around him,
And a world that was once bright has gone dim.
He feels he has to be strong for others,
But Dads hurt too, not just the Mothers,
He searches for answers but none are to be found,
He hides behind a mask when he is feeling down.
He smiles through his tears,
He struggles and holds in his fears,
But what you see on the outside is not always real,
Men don’t always show how they really feel.
So I’d like to ask a favor of you,
The next time you see a mother hurting 
over the loss of her child, 
please remember…..
A Dad hurts too.


This is our fourth Father's Day without Mattie. I am sure many of our friends and family think that it must be getting easier for us from year to year and that only the first holiday without Mattie is the hardiest!!! If you believe this, then I want to dispel this MYTH right away!!! TIME DOES NOT HEAL ALL WOUNDS and YES GOD DOES GIVE PEOPLE MORE THAN THEY CAN HANDLE!!!!

My faithful reads know how much I LOVE platitudes and some days more than others, I feel the need to step on my soap box and speak out about them. Today is one of those days. I personally like Father's Day just as much as Mother's Day, and if you can't understand what I am trying to say, then simply stated, I dislike both holidays. Holidays have a way of exacerbating pain and what I find worse is that with time people around us absolutely skirt around the issues with us and just don't know what to say. Or perhaps others say nothing because things are perceived as a non-issue because of the lapse of time!!! However, everything about surviving and processing through grief is about REMEMBERING!!! Therefore, though Mattie has been gone for four Father's Days, Peter is still Mattie's dad, and as such I feel that we should acknowledge the day somehow. But how do you do that? After all it isn't like we can easily get together with friends to celebrate the day, and if you are thinking why not then I assure you the awkwardness comes from both sides of the equation! So where do parents of bereaved children fit into the world?! The answer is I DON'T know!!

My friend Jenny sent me a link to a blog the other day, which is written by a mom who also lost her son. In her writings she refers to herself as an alien (the kind from another planet!). I get that feeling wholeheartedly on a daily basis, but it is definitely more pronounced during holidays. Below you will find two things I wanted to share with you. One is a message posted by a mom who lost a son. She asked her husband how he feels about Father's Day, and I found his response very insightful and accurate from my own experience. The second item is a message from my mom to Peter. I think she did a wonderful job capturing the essence of Peter and the connection he had with Mattie.

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Father's Day after losing a child (From 'Surviving the loss of a child in the real world' blog)

I talked to my husband this week about Father's Day and how a father feels about the holiday and life in general after losing a child. From my husband's perspective this is the information I got--

The father feels responsible for their child's death regardless if they could have prevented it or not.  As the head of the house, as the man of the house, as the protector of the family they often feel responsible for the loss of the child.  They did not protect their child from harm (or illness, etc.), somehow they should have been able to do so.  The father is the strong one in the family, made to keep his family safe and this can result in a lot of guilt or shame or pain if a death results.

The holiday is not one they really want to celebrate since the family isn't whole.  It is not that they do not love their children that are remaining but during this holiday (and most) it becomes terribly obvious that the child is gone.  It is very apparent to all of us in the family that DJ is not here to celebrate with his Dad.

What does a father want for Father's Day?  He wants to hear about his child.  Phone calls, conversations, notes, cards, memories about their child is the best gift.  To hear something wonderful about their child that is gone is the best gift of all.  Do the father's ever ask for this?  Of course not...do they wish everyone knew about this request? Absolutely!

So what are you going to give a bereaved father this weekend?  A memory, a humorous story, a laugh, a cry?  The mention of a father's child is the best gift of all!
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A Father's Day Tribute by Virginia R. Sardi

 

Your love and commitment to Mattie when he was well gave him six beautiful years of life that made him the incredible person he became. Although only a child he had a mature comprehension of people and the judgment of the wise that in real terms made him a man, many years beyond his young age. You nurtured that understanding and set a shining example of what Fatherhood is all about in the golden period of his life.

 

When Mattie became ill, you were stalwart and constant in your support of him no matter the pressures that pounded you at every turn. He looked to you for attitude and found the signs of strength to emulate which gave him the courage to fight the devil of cancer and never give up while there was life within him. It takes a strong man to accomplish this when his heart is breaking but you never let him down. Even in the depths of despair, you kept your focus and proved that you had the right stuff to be worthy of being honored as a great father. Happy Father's Day!