Tonight's picture was taken during Halloween of 2004. Mattie preferred easy to put on and take off costumes and the number one criteria for any of Mattie's costumes was it had to have a soft texture. I remember snapping this photo as if it were yesterday and to me Mattie made the cutest Winnie the Pooh.
Quote of the day: Tell us please, what treatment in an emergency is administered by ear? ....I met his gaze and I did not blink. "Words of comfort," I said to my father. ~ Abraham Verghese
I spent the day at home. I was very focused on cleaning out the walk-in closet in Mattie's room. This closet had to be purged so that I could find a home for all the Foundation boxes and bins lying around Mattie's room. These are NOT small boxes or bins either. They are quite large because they hold things that help us run our events. All these items in total require space. Not just a shelf of space either. But I know it is impossible to transform Mattie's room unless space was allocated in the closet for all these things. The walk-in closet may have been in Mattie's room, but it was a storage closet for all of us. For years this closet stored all my text books (I had about 200 books), all dissertation materials and raw data, not to mention where we kept everything else like Christmas items, other holiday decorations, and other odds and ends a family is likely to store. This closet is equivalent to some people's basements. Naturally not as big, but you get the picture for the necessity of the space.
I have really procrastinated about attacking this closet. But now that I emptied so many things from Mattie's room, the closet was the rational next step. I would like to paint and begin the room transformation soon but couldn't do any of this without making sure the Foundation items had a home and are secure.
Having to part with my textbooks, my lesson plans (of which I spent MANY hours creating), and most of my dissertation documentation today was challenging to say the least. It is hard to believe the hours, or I should say years, that went into these materials. They were labors of love. As my dissertation chair said to me.... "Vicki not all dissertations are created equal," and she was correct. I created a fine piece of research that I was proud of. The test is, I remember one faculty member telling me, is if you can read your dissertation years later and still be happy with it. He said most professionals look back at their dissertation and feel that it wasn't their finest work. My dissertation chair is the same type of perfectionist as me. I wouldn't have written the dissertation if it did not read well and wasn't going to contribute to the research literature. It is a hard pill to swallow to know so many hours went into the work I did, and with a flick of a wrist, I either threw it into the garbage or it was going to be donated. Very sad! Sad because I am not sure I would be doing this if Mattie did not develop cancer and then die. Mattie's cancer was like a detour in my development.
The closet illustrated this detour to me today! On one road I was an educator possessing every text book possible, having student papers on file, along with lesson plans and research agendas! But that street fell apart! Now I can't even see myself in that role, nor do I remember doing it either. It is like that person died and now a new Vicki is being created. A Vicki who needs another street, or essence space in the closet for new materials.
In the midst of going through the closet, I am finding invitations to Mattie's birthday parties over the years, photos, and other keepsakes. I am naturally putting all of these items in a box. These things I can't part with and yet I have had to say good-bye to many of Mattie's things over the last two months. As I went through two large containers of Mattie's baby clothes today, a part of me wondered whether Mattie was watching me and was upset with my decisions to donate his clothes.
I am working with my friend Terri, a professional quilter, who is transforming around 25 shirts and other items of Mattie's into a memory quilt. I am looking forward to her transforming clothes that have been packed away and turning them into a work of art that I can display.
Peter feels I potentially filled a half of a dumpster today. Needless to say, I have another ton of stuff to donate to Goodwill tomorrow. It is my hope that I can now take a break from purging and begin painting and reorganizing our second floor space.
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