Tonight's photos was taken during Halloween of 2003. Mattie was a year old and he really did not want to wear a costume at all. Mattie preferred clothes with soft textures and therefore for the first several years of his life, his Halloween costumes involved some sort of sweat suit material. I think Mattie made a very cute pumpkin! Did Mattie enjoy Halloween? I think the answer would be a qualified yes. He certainly enjoyed going trick or treating with a friend but Mattie did not like candy! He wasn't excited about it nor did he eat it. Mattie was the kind of kid who appreciated when people handed out chips and pretzels to trick or treaters! It was funny to watch his excitement when someone gave him a treat he actually liked. Mattie was in many ways a great friend to trick or treat with because he would gladly give away his chocolate and treats!
Quote of the day: We can not solve the problems that we have created with the same thinking that created them. ~ Albert Einstein
A friend of mine emailed me today to alert me to an article in the Washington Post Parade Magazine, entitled, A grief that won't heal. Naturally the title immediately caught my attention as it probably did for my friend as well. In a nutshell the article discusses the 10 percent of our population whose grief seems to linger long after a loved one has died. In the past, the mental health profession just labeled this issue as depression. But now such long term grief has a whole new label, it is now called complicated grief. It is said that women are more susceptible than men, as are those whose loved ones die suddenly or by suicide. Parents who lose a child are at especially high risk.
I visited the Center for Complicated Grief's website to examine the criteria for this diagnosis. It stated that a person would have many of the issues listed below, six months or more after the death of a loved one:
- Strong feelings of yearning or longing for the person who died
- Feeling intensely lonely, even when other people are around
- Strong feelings of anger or bitterness related to the death
- Feeling like life is empty or meaningless without the person who died
- Thinking so much about the person who died that it interferes with doing things or with relationships with other people
- Strong feelings of disbelief about the death or finding it very difficult to accept the death
- Feeling shocked, stunned, dazed or emotionally numb
- Finding it hard to care about or to trust other people
- Feeling very emotionally or physically activated when confronted with reminders of the loss
- Avoiding people, places, or things that are reminders of the loss
- Strong urges to see, touch, hear, or smell things to feel close to the person who died
When I went through this list of 11 items, I literally said..... NO this doesn't describe me. I read them to Peter and to my surprise he did not share the same emphatic NO that I did. So that stuck with me all day. This evening I went back on the website (run by Columbia University), and came across this paragraph which caught my attention:
The term “complicated” refers to factors that interfere with the natural healing process. These factors might be related to characteristics of the bereaved person, to the nature of the relationship with the deceased person, the circumstances of the death, or to things that occurred after the death. People with complicated grief know their loved one is gone, but they still can’t believe it. They say that time is moving on but they are not. They often have strong feelings of yearning or longing for the person who died that don’t seem to lessen as time goes on. Thoughts, memories, or images of the deceased person frequently fill their mind, capturing their attention. They might have strong feelings of bitterness or anger related to the death. They find it hard to imagine that life without the deceased person has purpose or meaning. It can seem like joy and satisfaction are gone forever.
Unlike the 11 item checklist, the above paragraph resonated with me because I think it does capture what both Peter and I feel. We both function in society. We both work, have social interactions with people, and to most of the world we appear normal. However, internally for us we are still rather directionless and life doesn't have the same meaning for us without Mattie. So we are STUCK! To me this is what life now looks like, I do not label it as my profession LOVES to do, I just call it the reality of life after Mattie died. Nonetheless the website gives me a lot to think about and I can certainly understand why losing a child puts one at a greater risk for developing complicated grief.
In the article, a particular passage caught my attention. It stated, “I turned down invitations. And her friends, confused and frustrated that she didn’t seem to be moving on even after a year, stopped inviting her." I relate to this SO well. I think this is what makes complicated grief so complicated..... it creates inner turmoil, but this turmoil impacts how others relate to us as well. However, I would like to add that society's view point about grief and how to handle it is equally skewed and this misconception about grief only further sets off those of us who may have complicated grief.
A Grief that won't heal:
http://www.parade.com/218587/gretchenreynolds/a-grief-that-wont-heal/
walking right besides us today. Mattie would have loved this sighting! It is hard to believe that this woolly creature will eventually become a butterfly!
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