Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. By that point, Mattie had endured almost three months of chemotherapy and was awaiting his first limb salvaging surgery. That particular day, Mattie received this huge basket from several of my students in celebration of Halloween, which was fast approaching. When Mattie was alive, I tended to post more upbeat photos on the blog and pictures which displayed our appreciation of our care community's generosity and support. Nonetheless, the photo I am showing you was all too real. Mattie suffered many down days, a great deal of depression, and honestly who could blame him. He was being pumped up with toxic chemicals, he couldn't leave the hospital, and he lived in social isolation. Let's also not forget the physical pain he was managing! If that wasn't the perfect breeding ground for depression, I don't know what would be.
Quote of the day: If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn't a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather. Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do. ~ Stephen Fry
We can't always understand why someone feels the way that he or she does. I know at times our family, friends, and colleagues may perplex us. But that is just it, feelings are not always rational. Nevertheless, a feeling is a feeling, and shouldn't be negated. If we can't understand someone else's feelings, it is most likely because we aren't looking at the issue from their vantage point. When in doubt, I always go back to my psychological hero, Carl Rogers. The father of humanistic psychology, who believed that in order to grow and develop one needs empathy within their environment. Which is in essence to be listened to and understood, yet Rogers felt that to truly empathize with someone we have to feel "as if" we are like this other person. We have to step inside his or her shoes per se. Sounds easy to do, but it actually isn't at all. It takes a lot of time, skills, patience, and the ability to actively listen to achieve Rogerian empathy. Listening doesn't mean that you remain quiet and can zone out! It means you are listening, processing what is being said, trying to understand how what is expressed is affecting this person's life and then package that all together with a meaningful response and perhaps another question. The beauty of empathizing is it inspires open and honest communication.
I think feeling misunderstood and not listened to are top reasons why a person may feel disconnected and depressed. Depression is by far one of the top three mental health concerns in our society today. It is actually no surprise if you dig deep to understand the origins of it. Which in my opinion is based on a long term pattern of someone not feeling heard, understood, and connected to others.
In the midst of this grey and very wet day in DC today, I had several email exchanges with people. Certainly expressing empathy electronically isn't as easy as face to face communication, yet it can be done. I wasn't purposefully trying to be empathic in my emails, but after both exchanges each person told me they felt better. They felt understood! Hearing this was the highlight of my day! Mind you I did not change the outcome, I did not solve the problem presented to me, but what I did do was I listened and shared my feelings about what I heard. I am happy I had these chats today because it reminded me of what is important within friendships and relationships, and at the core, we all need connections in which we are valued, heard, understood, and in which our feelings matter.
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