Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. Mattie was five and a half years old. It is hard to believe that seven months after this photo was taken Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. This photo was on the cover of our 2007 Christmas card and as you can see Mattie wanted to feature his reindeer headband and his Christmas train!
Quote of the day: My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that? ~ Bob Hope
Today marks the seventh Christmas we have acknowledged without Mattie in our lives. If you think it gets easier, it doesn't. In fact, I would argue that it gets harder. Let me put this further into context. We celebrated 7 Christmases with Mattie, and today marks our 7th Christmas without him. This to me is daunting, knowing that Mattie is gone from our lives longer than he is a part of our lives.
Last night, Peter and I went to a holiday dinner. Typically I do not attend such events for many different reasons. First of which celebrating holidays isn't easy for us, second I do not like being around children, and third inevitably at parties people ask questions about children. Sure enough, we had two unpleasant incidences at the party. One woman was telling me about her children and I was listening and asking questions. Naturally, the next question to me was.... tell me about your children and how many do you have?!
There are many ways I could have answered this question, REALLY! But I also believe that if you ask a question, you should be ready for all kinds of responses. Why is it socially acceptable for me to have to listen to parents talk about their children incessantly, and YET it is deemed inappropriate for me to talk about my child who had cancer and died? I of course know the answer, but there are times I am SO flabbergasted that I need an outlet to express my frustration.... and the blog is the place!
In any case, back to my story. At the party, when this woman asked me about my children, I told her in a very simple and dispassionate manner that I had a child but he died from cancer. I can tell you this woman did not even bat an eyelash, but within seconds she disengaged with me and WALKED AWAY! Nice, no? If I had any doubt or hesitancy about attending parties, I can say that encounters like this just reinforce my feelings. MY FEELINGS THAT I AM DIFFERENT AND REALLY DO NOT DO WELL INTERACTING WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD. A world that doesn't understand the loss of a child to cancer.
That was part one from the party, which was bad enough. Part two only got worse. While sitting down at dinner, a man at the party started talking to Peter. He asked Peter about his family! So Peter told him about Mattie and how we lost him to cancer. Instead of expressing sympathy, we got the exact opposite. I was overhearing the conversation, so I was an indirect recipient. Unlike the woman who walked away from me, this fellow couldn't run because he was eating dinner. Instead, of just saying he was sorry, he did one of the WORST things I think people can do with people who have experienced a traumatic loss... he started dolling out platitudes! He told us that it was time for us to MOVE ON and we have to focus on the POSITIVE!!!
Though all of this happened yesterday, I am STILL besides myself over both actions. It makes me truly dislike Christmas and those around me even more, and it is in moments like this when I need a lot of space, quiet, and time away from the world to regroup.
for his family. I snapped a photo of Peter's creation.
My nephews and niece were close to Mattie's age. Especially Will, who is about a year older than Mattie. It was quite bittersweet to watch my nephews and niece (who grew up with Mattie) opening Christmas presents today, not to mention hearing about their lives and accomplishments. Naturally I can be happy about all of this, because I want them to succeed, grow, and develop..... but on the other hand, it is hard to rationalize what happened to Mattie.
My Grandma and Marian are now gone and though this is bittersweet, I remember these ladies fondly, because they were both special to me.
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