Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. Mattie was five years old and was at Roosevelt Island in this photo.... a place Mattie loved to visit. There is one specific place on the Island in which you can find crinkly hedge apples. Which was the green ball Mattie was holding. Mattie was intrigued by this fruit and naturally brought it home with him. We never left Roosevelt Island without a branch or rock. Something found in nature. In any case, that particular day we went home and cut the hedge apple open to investigate it. It turns out that it has a very lemony fragrance!
Quote of the day: Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. ~ Ambrose Bierce
I relate to the sentiments of Bierce's quote tonight. There are moments in which I deal with bouts of anger. Today is one of them. I do know that when I feel this way, I have two modes.... I can either shut down or lash out and hurt the feelings of those around me. Fortunately for others today I chose the former rather than the latter.
What am I angry about? I suppose a host of things. Certainly balancing the candy drive and all aspects associated with it, I find stressful. But even with that stress, that doesn't explain my anger. My anger most likely makes no sense to some, but to me it is very real. The candy drive is filled with moms and children who volunteer. Which of course is wonderful but on the other hand challenging for me. When ever I am in a group of moms, they symbolize what I am missing in my life, and the conversations are always about raising children. Now with the holiday season fast approaching I am listening to conversations about family related activities which is painful. Yet I can't really express my level of upset, pain, and anger at times, because it will be misinterpreted, and will also be hurtful to those around me. I have found that having friendships after Mattie died to be challenging, because at any given time someone in the friendship (me or the other person) will be hurt.
If I don't hear it in conversations, then I am bombarded with Christmas ALL around me. It seems like everywhere I turn I see Christmas decorations and we haven't even celebrated Thanksgiving yet. Do stores really think that decorating in October or November will help with sales or put us in the Christmas spirit. All I know it is just makes me angry because it is forcing a holiday and all its festivities on me before I am prepared to see it. So there are a whole host of things in my environment today which set me off. May tomorrow be a better day.
1 comment:
Vicki,
I hope tomorrow is a better day! However your hurt should never be taken lightly! It is enormous and fills your days with an emptiness, no one can fill. People, especially friends should know this, respect and understand this. For nothing can replace Mattie. Time does not heal all wounds in life. The person who said that, did not loose a child. That forever lose is a forever wound that it too great to heal. All the facts listed here are reasons why if you get upset, friends especially should understand.
The Mattie Miracle Candy drive is truly a major accomplishment as candy arrives from so many places. But this event itself is so child oriented, how could parts of it not upset you!
I am just a friend who has not experienced the forever loss of a child but I think you are too hard on yourself! If something sets you off, friends should understand - your loss of Mattie has governed how you & Peter live the rest of your life. Only those people who are living without their child truly know how devastating this is. You have a right to all your emotions always! Friends who love & care about you should understand. Caring a lot! Margy
Post a Comment