Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2005. We took Mattie to the DC Aquatic Gardens and while walking we paused on a bench. As you can see Peter captured that moment in time. Look at the energy Mattie had.... limbs moving, but always with a beautiful smile!
Quote of the day: Children are a burden to a mother, but not the way a heavy box is to a mule. Our children weigh hard on my heart, and thinking about them growing up honest and healthy, or just living to grow up at all, makes a load in my chest that is bigger than the safe at the bank,and more valuable to me than all the gold inside it. ~ Nancy E. Turner
Tonight's quote caught my attention, especially the line.... "or just living to grow up at all." Beautifully put! I really think when you lose a child to cancer, particularly an only child, there are long term ramifications. Some are obvious and others more subtle. Losing Mattie showed me that NOT every child has the luxury of growing up, or going to school, or simply..... to AGE. I constantly hear adults complaining that they are aging, or kids complaining that they have to go to school. Both of these things will never happen for Mattie. He wasn't allowed to age and he only completed kindergarten. It is hard to fathom that his friends are now in high school. Mattie was robbed of lower, middle, and now high school. His loss puts a lot of things into context for me.
My context isn't always pleasant to live with, and in fact it can be morbid. For example, when I see pregnant women now, most people think happy thoughts and are excited for the mom to be. Not me, my first instinct (which I naturally don't share) is.... your child could be diagnosed with cancer, or worse your child could die from this diagnosis. To me nothing in life is guaranteed and with that I prefer living in the present moment. I don't like looking ahead nor planning ahead. I don't even like planning fun things like vacations into the future. To me the future is nebulous and yet the world around me insists on me being future oriented. I constantly feel the pressure to make future decisions from others in my life, and at times I can do it, and at other times, I leave it to Peter. Fortunately Peter and I, both permanently impacted, but have been affected in different ways. I figure between the two of us, we function as one person.
I was listening to the radio today and I heard an ad for 529 plans, so parents can save money for their children's education. It was the wording of the ad that set me off, because again it was very future oriented. Naturally parents do need to plan accordingly for their children, but I don't think people understand the ramifications of such ads on parents who lost a child. The ad left me upset and I carried that feeling with me throughout the day. I'm sure by tomorrow, I will rationalize my feelings and reconcile that the ad has merit and purpose. But I am NOT there yet!
1 comment:
Vicki,
The future is promised no one yet we all live life like it will surely occur. Long before, I worked with children in treatment for Cancer and their families, I was aware of the fallacy of being so sure of only positives in life. I have no idea why. I do know that working with children in treatment only confirmed what I felt to be true. We expect only good to happen in life, live this way, therefore take for granted special moments. Figuring, they will always be there. Despite my own feelings, I did not live only in the present and I often planned events in the future. Children taught me to seize the day. To make each moment special when we can. Children with uncertain futures, taught joy in the smallest activities.
Many things in life, like ads, aren't sensitive to others and their losses, heartbreaks, & sadnesses. Many people only see what they want to see. That is tragic! They miss the point of seizing the moment!
Post a Comment