Tonight's picture was taken over the July 4th weekend in 2009. Mattie was still in treatment and we did not know about his terminal status. Our friend invited us to a weekend away. It was local, at a resort called Lansdowne. Needless to say, that weekend was so horrible, that if I never see Lansdowne again that will be too soon. Mattie was very angry about the fact that other kids were living a normal life and he was stuck in a wheelchair, looking so different. He may have acted fine around friends, but toward Peter and me, he lashed out. So much so, that after about a day, we never left the hotel room.
Quote of the day: We die as often as we lose a friend. ~ Publilius Syrus
It is another winner of day today in DC. With the non stop rain. I never liked rain before, but now being a dog owner, I truly HATE it. In between Sunny walks, I visited a friend. During my visit, my friend was telling me about a friend of hers who is like me. The friend lost a child to cancer. Needless to say my friend was telling me that at times she feels anger from her friend, directed at her! In a sense she feels that her friend is jealous that my friend has children who are alive and healthy and she does not. Needless to say my friend is feeling badly and I know personally how people can feel when I have lashed out at them. Which is why it was easy for me to understand both sides of this equation.
Is there any easy answer or solution to this? The answer is NO. However, nothing will challenge a friendship between two women greater than childhood cancer. It is a very polarizing issue I have found. What I have learned over the years is regardless of how close friends are to me, they can't possibly understand the long term effects of child loss. Losing a child, impacts every year of your life, all milestones, holidays, the future, and daily living. Anyone who wants to deny this FACT, is not facing reality or hasn't come to terms with this huge loss. Which is why time doesn't heal all wounds and in fact the only thing time does is confuse our friends and family. Because as more time goes by, those around us assume that we are managing, coping, and have found a way forward. Finding a way forward doesn't mean that we still don't get upset when hearing about pregnancies and milestones of other children. These are topics I still don't like to hear about, which is another reason I hate Facebook. Facebook is like living in Disneyland, where only the positive, the happy, and fun are rewarded with likes and loves.
So how do you handle moms like me? How do you handle us when we lash out? Well first and foremost, I don't think a bereaved mom will lash out at just anyone. We tend to pick those we deem as safe. However, regardless of how close the friendship, directed anger is never appreciated. I have to say my friends did not deal with my anger well, and therefore, it was I who had to alter my behavior. I feel as a bereaved mom, I am constantly making concessions everyday to fit into the world. What I would have loved was if someone said to me...... "I know you are angry. I know our lives are different, and that it is hard to hear me talking about my children. I also know that you aren't really angry at me, but at the situation and your loss of Mattie." MIND YOU THIS SHOULD NEVER BE SAID ONLY ONCE!!! Because hearing it once, will not magically change the situation between friends.
Part of the FRUSTRATION that bereaved parents face is we assume those around us DON'T want to understand and also DON'T get how their words or lack of words affect us. Sometimes just expressing that the loss is real can change the whole direction of a conversation between friends. But at the end of the day, I always wonder why in a group of women, everyone feels it is perfectly fine to talk about their children in front of me. No one ever acknowledges that I can't participate in this conversation and or that this conversation has consequences on how I feel. With that said, I live in hope!
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