Tuesday, August 2, 2022

Tuesday, August 2, 2022 -- Mattie died 670 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2008. That day we took Mattie for a walk on Roosevelt Island. He and Peter walked out on a fallen tree log and went into the woods together. Mattie loved the adventure and I snapped a photo! I was the family photographer and captured every moment, even the mundane. Turns out, nothing was ever mundane with Mattie and looking back I am happy I was obsessed with taking photos. Ironically this photo was taken only weeks before Mattie was diagnosed, before childhood cancer was part of our lexicon!

Quote of the day: We’re really a composite of our life experiences – memory layered upon memory and Alzheimer’s steals that away. ~ Meryl Comer     

Tonight's quote is quite poignant. I would say that Alzheimer's has stole most of my dad's memories. Not just his current ones, but those from the past. My dad has little to NO memory of things and experiences we had or shared together. It is a rather sad commentary. As he can't recall any of our vacations, being on a cruise, and forget even specifics about his work. In fact, he has dreams that he can't remember certain accounting principles (as my dad started his career as a CPA). The one consolation in this is my dad doesn't seem at all bothered by this, perhaps the reason for this is he feels the rest of us have his institutional knowledge so he doesn't need to work on it or worry about it. But the other fact is that my dad just isn't as caught up as I am with memories, recalling each day, and journaling about it. 

As you might suspect, I am ALL ABOUT memories and writing and reflecting on them are important to me. I try to picture myself in my dad's circumstances and if I were, I would be journaling and logging everything. I want to believe that this is a core value of mine, and regardless of what happens to me, I will turn to writing. Maybe? Observing him each day, does make me pause and it does trigger fears. As I have no idea who will be my Vicki?

I took my dad to speech therapy today. Mind you the one working hard in therapy is ME! Not only do I attend each session, but I am carrying out the therapy plan each day at home. The plan has been to develop a daily memory book, or as I call it.... a daily log. This book has been evolving over time.

I first started out with very targeted questions for each day. But that was confusing as the questions changed each day and my dad had trouble tracking them. So then I changed each daily entry to a standardized template. I learned today that even that is too complex and I have to simplify the questions I am asking him. I have to convert questions to  headings instead. So in other words MORE WORD FOR VICKI. 

If you click on the photo, you can see yesterday and today's entry. You will notice my dad's handwriting is very small (another sign of dementia) and it trails off. It is hard to know which questions his writing corresponds to at times. 

But each day, I quiz my dad on what's in the book. Not to memorize it, but instead I ask him questions and expect him to turn to his log to find the answers (eg,.... when did Mommy have PT? When was the last time we went out to a restaurant?). All answers are in the log! Ironically the speech therapist uses the entire 45 minute session to do exactly what I do each day. However, don't worry, it is not too repetitive. Since whatever work I do with my dad on this log really goes out the window a minute later. The goal is to try to get my dad used to turning to the book for answers, for him to want to record things to help him jog his memory, and for this to become a helpful tool in his everyday life. WE MAY NEVER GET THERE! I am a realist. 

Meanwhile the other day, Peter and I took Sunny out for a walk. Sunny was very focused on someone's front yard. Sure enough there was a reason!

A deer was grazing in the yard. 

I am not perfect and as I get more tired, my patience dwindles. Today, while driving from speech therapy to lunch, I lost it. My dad got a bug bite on his hand and he was in the front seat scratching it raw, my mom was reading a story in the back seat out loud (oblivious to my dad), and I was trying to concentrate on driving. I finally burst out screaming. I did pull it together but there are times it is too much. 

While at lunch, Peter sent me this photo! This photo was taken in June of 2019 on Kiawah Island, SC. We had bicycled the entire stretch of the beach, which was no easy feat when fighting wind. Peter wanted to remind me of my strength and determination.