Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2003. That holiday season we took Mattie to Los Angeles. Along our adventures we went to Griffith Park and introduced Mattie to the ponies. Mattie was seat belted to the saddle and Peter walked besides him. Look at that big smile!!! To me it was priceless.
Quote of the day: I have a theory that selflessness and bravery aren’t all that different. ~ Veronica Roth
On Friday night, after a very long week, I could see my dad was sleeping in his recliner. So at 8:30pm, I took him upstairs and got him ready for bed. I know that the longer I keep him up the harder it is for me to get him upstairs. Therefore, I made the decision over this passed week to take him up before 9pm, otherwise I can't get him up.
After my dad was in bed, I came back downstairs and Peter and my mom eventually joined me and together we watched a Hallmark movie, Time for Him to Come Home For Christmas. I had seen it the night before, and thought it was well done and I wanted Peter to see it. Once the movie was over it was about 11pm. When my mom came upstairs and went into their bedroom, I could hear that my dad was still up and talking up a storm with my mom.
This morning, I asked my mom why my dad was up last night! She let me know that he was upset that I brought him up early and that we watched a movie together without him. Certainly in my professional capacity I could sit back and be empathetic about his complaint. However, I am human and managing the impossible for ONE YEAR straight without a break. So I did not take to any of this well. Instead, I explained to both of my parents, that there is a reason I take my dad up early, and that I am doing the best I possibly can to manage both of their needs, desires, and requests, but if I don't get a break and just be for a few minutes without the toll of caregiving, I won't be able to keep this pace up. Of course I might as well be talking to myself, because neither one can be rational.
Sometimes I feel like I am so trapped and could explode with anger and other emotions. My diversion is Hallmark. I turned to Hallmark movies after Mattie died. In fact, I would watch them from morning to night. Now of course I don't have the time. But after my parents go to bed, I watch Hallmark movies from my bed. It is my escape from the harsh reality that I face. What caught my attention about Time for Him to Come Home for Christmas, was it was about loss, trauma, and finding one's way back in the world. I could tell that the main characters were traumatized from a loss within minutes of watching. I recognized that tell tale sign, of pushing away from others and needing isolation.
If you are a Hallmark fan, I encourage you to check out this movie trailer:
Within the movie is a haunting song called Peace, Joy, Love! I had NEVER heard it before, so I naturally Googled it! It turns out it was written by Jim Brickman who joined forces to spread a heartening message of unity amid Ukraine's ongoing war with Russia. Here is the link (Peace, Joy, Love) about the song, as well as the official video.
In the movie, the song was played during a memorial celebration. It captured my attention, as I hope it does yours. There are many morals to this movie, but ultimately I think what I took away from it is two things: 1) guilt is very common when facing a tragic loss and it takes time to process and cope with that guilt of being left behind, and 2) the importance of communicating honestly with others about one's needs, feelings, and request for support. It may appear that Hallmark movies are fluffy and light, but what I love about them are the moral messages and feelings they evoke.
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