Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. Mattie was six years old and I will never forget this MOMENT in time. Mattie was absolutely miserable. He was coping with bone pain and dealing with all sorts of psychological consequences of his treatment. Mattie was highly anxious, very depressed, and behaved like someone who just came back from a war zone. In fact what you can't see was the incredibly difficult mood within our home prior to me taking this photo. Thankfully friends brought over these hats, headbands, and red noses. Peter suggested they put them on and worked very hard to change the mood, even temporarily. I will always be grateful to the countless gifts Team Mattie gave us, because we would always turn to one of these goodies as a positive diversion!
Quote of the day: Insensitivity makes arrogance ugly; empathy is what makes humility beautiful. ~ Renford Reese
New Year's is now come and gone and unfortunately it remains very present in my mind. We had company over this weekend and frankly the visit left me upset, bordering on angry. Right now hosting anyone, much less planning a big sit down meal is very difficult. It is difficult because I do not have a minute to myself. I know some people say this... that they are very busy, but in my case, it is very literal. I can't think of the last time I did something for myself. My day to day existence is managing needs, demands, and crises. Not to mention handling big hygiene tasks.
What got me about our visitors was it was very clear that they did not want to be with us. I am not sure why they accepted our invitation if this is how they felt. You know when guests comes over, they step in your house, and you immediately say to yourself.... this is going to be a long night? Well this was what happened to us, it was as if we never socialized with these friends before. It was incredibly awkward and I truly have been racking my brain to understand what evoked this reaction!
Somehow our desire to give our friends' child gifts for Christmas was a big no-no. I have never met a 6 year old who did not want to open a gift, until this weekend. It was absolutely one for the books and no matter what we did, we couldn't engage this young girl. Having a God child doesn't replace Mattie at all, but it was our hope that this would enable us to have the opportunity to share in the nurturing of the next generation. What saddens me is that this weekend confirmed that any hopes I had for this are now shattered.
We were supposed to see these friends on Christmas, but on Christmas day they called us to tell us they were sick and couldn't come over. This of course was a big disappointment for me, especially since I was in the process of cooking a 20 pound turkey. If you go back to my Christmas day blog posting, you will see it was a very difficult day for me emotionally. Their decision not to come contributed to that. Fast forward to this weekend, and I learned in conversation that they actually went over to another friend's house for Christmas. So it wasn't that they were sick that held them back but it was because they had a better offer. This was the final cherry on the cake for me.
So on top of the awkwardness and the fact that we aren't valued, I then have to add to this the fact that they have NO appreciation for what I am balancing. They could see while they were with us that I have to do everything for my parents, including taking my dad to the bathroom and staying in there with him throughout the entire process. Therefore, hosting a big meal is not easy. Was there any acknowledgment for my role? NO! In fact, they did not offer to help me clean up, or even carry one dirty dish to the kitchen. Frankly it is remarkable and it once again reminds me what tonight's quote points out.... insensitivity makes arrogance ugly; empathy is what makes humility beautiful.
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