Sunday, January 1, 2023

Sunday, January 1, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. Mattie was five years old and this backdrop became a favorite for our family Christmas photo. This was the photo featured on our cards in 2007. Our tree would not be complete then or now without Mattie's Christmas train. 

Quote of the day: As water reflects the face, so one’s life reflects the heart. ~ Proverb

As we face a New Year, many people view this as a new beginning. Time to make certain resolutions or commitments to one's self. I have NEVER been a big New Year's resolution person. I feel this only sets one up for failure. Therefore, I have never made a resolution, and given my current state, I don't plan on developing a new mindset.

What I do know is that with a New Year comes more anxiety, stress, and perhaps sadness for me and Peter. It isn't something we necessarily talk about, but it is very present, as a New Year marks yet another year without Mattie. My friend in cancer wrote to me today, to wish us a good New Year, and practically in unison through text messaging, we said the same thing. Which points out to me that our thinking is not that far off for other parents whose children died from cancer. 

We move forward, but we never move on or forget. In fact, I think the notion of forgetting brings about more sadness than it does to reflect on Mattie's life and death. I think seeing our God daughter yesterday, who is six years old, also reminded us once again who is missing in our life. It is hard NOT to compare another child with Mattie. 

Mattie was unforgettable. Even sick, he was a force, had an incredible inner energy, and natural curiosity. I always expect other children I interact with to be like him. However, they are not. Each child is unique and I can appreciate that, but Mattie set the bar very high for me.

It is 60 degrees outside today and I was looking forward to taking Sunny for a walk. However, even Sunny isn't himself. We had to cut his walk short because it is clear that the chemo is affecting his energy level and I would say is even making him moody. It saddens me to see Sunny change before my eyes and yet I am juggling so much with my parents, that it would be nice for something in my life to be stable.