Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2005. Mattie was three years old and that week we took Mattie to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. We were there during the fourth of July, which was very festive. As you can see Mattie was having a great time... smiling, laughing, exploring, and enjoying family time.
Quote of the day: The saddest thing is to be a minute to someone when you’ve made them your eternity. ~ Sanober Kahn
Today was another horrible day, on top of months of horror. I truly thought I would have a moment of peace this morning. No such luck. I received bills I wasn't expecting in my email box, and that sent me for a tail spin. I feel like my life is one crisis after the other. Each day I wake up wondering when the next shoe will drop. I have gone from not managing the finances all my adult life, to managing mine, my parent's and Mattie Miracle's. Just the accounting alone is daunting, but then factor in caregiving for two people who are challenging and have huge and different needs, and then of course the biggest heartache of all, Peter leaving me. His leaving defies understanding and for those of you who do not know the story, I assure you it isn't simple. I will leave it at that, but I am left feeling abandoned, alone, and managing the impossible.
This evening, I had my therapy session. I told the therapist I am taking a two week break from her later in the month. As sessions go, it was fine, but when I let me guard down and focus on Peter's abandonment, out come the tears. I can't imagine moving forward, because to me it is filled with loneliness, uncertainty, and it is very hard to lose yet another part of myself. I lost Mattie, which I will never get over, and now Peter. I am done and tired! The therapist ended the session with.... May you be safe. May you be free from inner and outer harm. Normally her trite statements annoy me, but this one struck me. Because I experience a lot of outer harm, but how this harm is being absorbed internally, impacts my emotions and spirit. So her inner and outer acknowledgment resonated with me.
When I got home from therapy, I served dinner. It was at that point my mom went on a tirade. I get it daily in some way or another. She feels her life is miserable, she lived too long, I married the wrong person, he destroyed our lives, and the litany went on. She then complained how tired she is, and with that, I lost it. I keep it together day in and out listening to her, but tonight my cup was full. She has no appreciation for how tired I am, she has no appreciation that she has a daughter who has dropped EVERYTHING in her life to care for her parents, and she has no understanding for the emotional pain I have from losing my husband. A person I considered my other half. Losing Peter means losing a part of myself. My mom's tirade ruined dinner and I dropped everything, once I got my dad settled, to pay her bills (another fixation!). So tonight I am raw and worn out on every level.
I am sure there are things to be grateful for, but tonight I am in mood to explore them.
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