Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2003. Mattie was a year old and that summer we took him to the Outer Banks, NC. As you can see, Mattie was all dressed up for the Fourth of July. Since this was Mattie's first time to the beach, he was terrified of the ocean and disliked the feeling of sand on his feet. So this was our only trip to the shoreline during that vacation. Thankfully we had rented a house on the water, and from the deck, we absorbed the beauty of the Atlantic. With each subsequent summer trip to the beach, Mattie grew to absolutely LOVE the water and sand! He was a born builder, and the sand provided a great media for creativity.
Quote of the day: Two words. Three vowels. Four consonants. Seven letters. It can either cut you open to the core and leave you in ungodly pain or it can free your soul and lift a tremendous weight off your shoulders. The phrase is: It's over. ~ Maggi Richard
It has been a year of many firsts. This is my first July 4th without Peter. It is very hard to be disconnected, unable to talk with one another, or see each other. These decisions are Peter's and I am left with no say in the matter, no input on us or our future, and each day I wake up and go to sleep in sheer disillusionment, confusion, and despair. None of this makes sense to me.
My mind is like a broken record, all I can play each day are the overwhelming feelings of hurt, abandonment, and hopelessness. Peter and I have been together for 35 years. Over this time, we became each other's everything. It is very unsettling and unnerving to go from that to this, nothingness.
I spent the day outside in the yard, weeding and watering plants. We haven't received rain in days and if I am not proactive, everything will turn brown and die. Then I noticed the pool was a mess! I have now become the pool police. I am constantly assessing it, because if the water level gets low or leaves back up the system, things can go wrong quickly. When something goes wrong, I have found it is an expensive proposition to fix it! So today, I was cleaning out leaves, emptying and cleaning out filters and skimming out leaves from the pool. Thanks to my hard work, the pool is looking much better this evening!
I took my parents out today for lunch. The notion of staying home was not appealing. Getting out, changes our perspective. It is hard to believe July 4th 2023, I had friends over, we were in the pool and had a BBQ together. I just can't comprehend what is happening to my life.
I am trying to stay present today without reflecting too much on my devastation or my future. It is the gift I am trying to give myself on this Independence Day.
Three things I am grateful for:
- My garden and being able to nurture and cultivate such beauty.
- Rain (as I type this it is pouring), as the grass and garden needs it. Of course such torrential rain always makes me worry about basement floods. But so far, so good.
- Beautiful memories of many past July 4th's by the beach with Mattie, or watching our Nation's fireworks show right outside our townhouse in DC (photo from July 4, 2010). I will never forget having the bird's eye view, without the hassle or the crowds.
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