Wednesday, December 30, 2009Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2003. Mattie was 9 months old and full of energy. Mattie was a late walker, and never crawled. But the one thing he absolutely loved was this walker that made all sorts of car sounds. He loved the freedom these wheels gave him. I remember taking this picture of Mattie. I particularly loved his impish look that he would give me, and that beautiful smile. It is hard to understand or rationalize what happened to him, when I look at this healthy baby picture.
Poem of the day: Along Grief's Journey - Ferna Lary Mills
I hear little children laughing
and the sound brings my soul such pain.Yet I know in my heart that life goes on
and I must learn to live again.
Some days I stay so busy
I don't even realize you're gone.
Then there are all of those other days when
I feel like I can't go on.
Sometimes I think I dreamed you . . .
that you never existed for real.
You've been gone so long and I'm just not strong
for my life has become surreal.
They tell me it's time to let go
and build a new life without you.
But the builder is weak and I can't even speak
and I don't know what else to do.
How long will this pain last, Lord?
How many tears have I already cried?
It seems like forever since my world fell apart
when my loved one died.
I had the opportunity to have tea with Margaret at her home this afternoon. As many of my readers know, Margaret was Mattie's first preschool teacher. When we came to Resurrection Children's Center, Mattie and I were both in a fragile place. Mattie was a challenging baby and toddler, and challenging is most likely putting it mildly. Mattie had many sensory issues, and was also a late walker and talker. He experienced great frustrations because he couldn't communicate. Naturally, as with any of us, when we can't express ourselves, these feelings come out in different ways. With a toddler it was through biting, kicking, and hitting. Mattie wasn't selective and would do this with anyone. Mattie and I spent the first two years of his life pretty much isolated from other children. Not that I did not try to pair him up with other children, I did, but most parents did not understand Mattie and truly disliked his behaviors. Needless to say, parenting Mattie was a humbling, very humbling process. I spent a great deal of time worrying about Mattie, and trying to figure out how to help him. I am telling you this because I want you to understand that in many ways, Peter and I did not have the typical parenting experience right from the start. You may want to dismiss what I am telling you, because you are chalking it up to us being new parents. But I assure you, I had many professionals weigh in on our situation. The one consistent thing that was always true, was we believed in Mattie. I never gave up hope on him, and knew he had great potential. The ironic thing is because of Mattie's initial issues, it forced us to spend hours together alone. It was through this intense time together, that we developed a very tight and special bond, a bond that enabled us to function very well together through cancer. Unlike some other children I saw in treatment turn against their parents, Mattie never did. He trusted us, and I deeply believe he did because of the trials and tribulations we experienced in his toddler years. These issues were just the testing ground for what was to come later. Mattie was the love of my life, and I assure you, if I love you, I will fight to the end for you, and I know on some level Mattie understood this about me.
This brings me to Resurrection Children's Center. When Margaret met Mattie and I, she knew that I had many concerns about Mattie's social development. However, Margaret was the teacher that turned everything around for us. Mattie was nurtured in the classroom in a positive manner, and the year he had with Margaret was a year of amazing growth and development. Mattie developed friends and like a wilting flower given water, Mattie started to blossom. But Margaret wasn't only good for Mattie, she was good for me. This preschool solidified my true feelings about Mattie, and it supported me as a parent. This is something I shall never forget, and most likely one of the many reasons Margaret will always have a special place in my heart. For once, I saw an outsider who understood and appreciated Mattie. It opened up a whole new world for him, and it was wonderful to see him thriving.
Each time I interact with Margaret, I can't help but explore these feeling. Mattie had two of the most positive years of his life in preschool. Margaret gave me a beautiful gift today. She knows that I like collecting angels, and she gave me a little boy angel. The little boy reminds me of Mattie, and he is holding a frog. Something Mattie would have most likely wanted to scare me with. Any case, this little boy angel has joined my other angels on my kitchen windowsill, and each time I look at him, I will be thinking of Mattie.
Later tonight, I went to visit Mary, Ann's mom. After dinner Mary wanted some fresh fruit, but the kitchen staff at her assisted living facility refused to listen to her request. By that time Ann was also visiting, and the two of us were arguing with a chef who clearly has no idea what it is like to live in an institutional setting. His insensitivity to Mary's request was astonishing, and I told him I hope in his life time he never lands up in such an institution where he has to fight just to get a bowl of fruit. He clearly doesn't understand the lack of control these older adults live with each day, and the one thing they may perhaps have an ounce of control over, what they eat, he is denying them. Fascinating and disheartening!
Peter and I went out to dinner tonight with Ann and Bob, and some friends of theirs. It was a lovely dinner, but I am very well aware of the inner turmoil inside my head. I try not to let this affect others, but I do know my limitations. I know that there is no possible way I am celebrating New Year's eve at a party. To me there is nothing to celebrate, and this dull feeling is how I wake up and end each day. Going to a party or being around people who are happy, makes me further depressed. Another sad commentary about myself. I want others to be happy and for good things to happen to them in their lives, yet, I am conflicted because I don't feel this way, nor do foresee such happiness in my own life. These feelings further isolate me from others.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "It is hard to believe it has been 16 weeks since Mattie died. In some ways it seems like yesterday and yet it seems much longer that he's been gone. I thank you for meeting me for lunch yesterday; it was good to see you in person but it is clear that while you certainly look put "together" on the outside; on the inside you are clearly hurting. It was very kind of you to continue to make the trip to be with Mary in spite of how of you were feeling. I know that all the older adults you interacted with appreciated having you around. It is too bad that none of them have family who can spend more time with them. As we approach New Years I hope that you and Peter are able to start the foundation on a road that is headed where you hope it will be."
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