Tonight's picture was taken last Christmas. Mattie was in a terrible, yet understandable, mood all day. In those low times, I actually would turn to the Team Mattie pile of gifts that I had, thanks to our many wonderful supporters. I would pull from this pile on such desperate occasions in hopes of redirecting Mattie's attention and mood. The particular gift he opened was from his preschool friend, John. John gave Mattie some fun Christmas hats and light up noses to play with. Peter and Mattie both put on a hat and a nose, and for just those short couple of minutes, Mattie's mood changed. He was funny and spirited, and made the cutiest Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.
Poem of the day: A BRIDGE CALLED LOVE
It takes us back to brighter years,
to happier sunlit days
and to precious moments
that will be with us always.
And these fond recollections
are treasured in the heart
to bring us always close to those
from whom we had to part.
There is a bridge of memories
from earth to Heaven above...
It keeps our dear ones near us
It's the bridge that we call love.
Today was the kind of day where I had to wonder, why get out of bed? In fact, I most likely would have spent the day in bed if I had not promised Mary, Ann's mom, that I would visit her later in the day. I did get up this morning, but somehow after getting dressed, I felt so tired and fatigued, that I went right back into bed and watched another holiday favorite of mine, the movie Holiday Inn. As I went back into bed, our calico cat, Patches, was thoroughly confused. She works hard in the morning to get me out of bed, and there I was right back into it. However, despite being fickle (after all she is a cat) she jumped on the bed and literally came to sit on my lap. This may not sound unusual for my readers, but if you knew Patches and her personality, you would know this action is a rarity! Patches usually sticks close to me in times of crises. In fact, I distinctly remember one January, many years ago - Pre-Mattie, I was sick in bed with an 104 fever. I was practically delirious from my temperature. Patches could sense something was wrong, and stayed with me the entire time until Peter got home from work. Which is why several years ago I nick named her "nurse Patches." Her sheer presence made a difference in my recovery, because I was not alone. Similarly today, Patches sensed I needed company, and that things weren't right. What a perceptive animal friend!
As I was driving to see Mary, Ann's mom, for no apparent reason I began crying. Something about driving made me reflect on Mattie's death, the pain he was in, and the fact that I never had a two way conversation with him to say good-bye. I was driving on the highway, and with tears filling my eyes, I realized I had to pull myself together, because soon I wouldn't be able to see the road through all the tears.
When I arrived at Mary's assisted living facility, I found that Mary had company. Mattie's first preschool teacher and my friend, Margaret, was visiting. In addition, Peggy, who is a family friend of Ann's, was also visiting. So at one point, there were four women in the room chatting in a circle with each other. This type of stimulation and camaraderie are very good for Mary. I enjoyed seeing Margaret and connecting with her. She immediately understood how difficult Christmas was for me, and we reflected on the days ahead. Margaret's visit broke up the afternoon for us, and I look forward to seeing her again in a few days.
Tonight I feel as if I am developing a cold and am absolutely worn out physically and emotionally. I thank you for your continued thoughts that you send Peter and I. We need them more now than ever before. I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I've read about people in grief talking about life "before" versus "life after." It seems to me that you have actually done this twice; gone from life with Mattie well, to life with cancer and now life without Mattie physically here. These are huge, horrible adjustments to have to make in the way that you live, and honestly I admire your courage in continuing to get up and go on each day. I am not sure any of us truly understands just how much energy and determination that takes. I agree with you that we have much less control over our destiny than we choose to think; what we do have is a choice on how we will behave and I can only say that I admire your determination to reach out and make things better for others in the midst of your own pain. For today I wish you the energy to keep going and doing what you believe needs to be done. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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