Tonight's picture was taken in November 2003. Mattie was one and a half years old. We were visiting Peter's parents in Boston and they gave him a Hokey Pokey Elmo doll. Elmo was Mattie's favorite Sesame Street character. Most likely because he was RED, but also because he was an active character on the show with a cute voice. Needless to say, this battery powered Elmo toy was a hit. Mattie was truly overjoyed to see that Elmo could sing and dance right in front of him. In fact, it did the hokey pokey! The picture, I believe, captured Mattie's look of fascination! I can't tell you how many times we did the hokey pokey that day! Needless to say, Elmo can still be found in Mattie's room today!
Poem of the day: NATIVE AMERICAN PRAYER
I give you this one thought to keep -
I am with you still - I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone -
I am with you still - in each new dawn
As tonight's prayer indicates, I do hope that Mattie's presence is felt in the stars that shine, the snow that falls, the wind that blows, and whatever other form of nature that surrounds us in any given day. In fact, before Mattie's death, I am not sure I appreciated these forms of beauty around me as much. But now I not only appreciate these aspects of nature, I embrace them, because at times I view them as signs from Mattie.
In years past, Peter and I always would watch the ball drop in Times Square on New Year's eve. Last night, was the first time, we did not. I made a conscious effort to completely tune the day out, and I carried this attitude into the evening. To me seeing the ball drop, marks some sort of end of one year, and the beginning of another. Not sure if it really does, or whether society has conditioned me to feel something about seeing this activity in Times Square. I realize whether I watched the process on TV or not, we have indeed crossed into another year. In fact, the way I look at it, 2008 and 2009 were horrible years. Mattie was diagnosed with cancer in July 2008, and he died in September of 2009. So good riddens to two awful years, though despite being horrific years, they did have Mattie in them. But what does 2010 hold for us? I have no idea, and that in and of itself is scary. Parents with children have some idea of what 2010 holds for you. Children in a way are a marker of time! For example, perhaps in 2010, your child will be graduating from elementary school and moving up to middle school, or perhaps your child is graduating, or applying to college. The list of things children accomplish is endless, but with this list is some predictability. For Peter and I, we no longer have our mile marker and feel instead like we are drifting somewhere out at sea on any given day... directionless. Sure we could live a much more spontaneous life now. We have no children to be accountable to. But I assure you, once you have had the direction of raising a family, being spontaneous is highly overrated. Pure and simple, we miss Mattie, and we carry that feeling into 2010, and with us for the rest of our lives.
I asked Peter what we did last year on New Year's. We were actually home from the hospital, between chemotherapy treatments, but not unlike today, I was sick. With the same bad cold symptoms. Interesting how I have physically welcomed 2009 and 2010! I continued to feel under the weather today, so I spent the entire day in bed. Peter on the other hand, visited with a Resurrection Children's Center family who we have had the pleasure of getting to know quite well over the course of Mattie's illness. They were extremely supportive of us in every way, and when we found out they needed some help with their children because of a family illness, Peter and I volunteered. I did not want to make the girls sick, so Peter went without me today. The girls kept Peter busy, and in many ways busy and being needed are two important factors to experience when grieving. I am happy that Peter and the girls got along so well today, and hopefully if I feel better tomorrow, I too can help out. Peter and I both agree on is the importance of giving back and being there for those who were so instrumental in supporting Team Mattie. Team Mattie and those who comprise it will always, always hold a special place in our hearts.
When I lived in Southern California during my high school years, I was introduced to the beauty of the Rose Parade in Pasadena. Every New Year's we would go and visit the beautiful floats on display once the parade was over. I have always loved flowers, and the Rose Parade is a flower lover's paradise. The creativity and beauty are remarkable. I caught part of the parade today on TV, and two things came to mind. First, how wonderful it must be to be outside in the beautiful Los Angeles weather (since it is freezing in Washington, DC), and second, I was saddened that Mattie never got to see these amazing floats. He would have loved the whole parade, from the flowers to the mechanics of getting these floats to move down the streets of Pasadena.
However you spent your day today, Peter and I want to wish you and your families all the best of health and happiness in 2010. Your continued support means a great deal to us. I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I loved your Mom's story about the best Christmas ever (2007) and I can definitely see Mattie checking out all the possibilities for Santa's delivery of gifts on Christmas. It is so Mattie to want to make sure all the important points were covered; Christmas tree, recognizable place, notification of a change of address for Mattie and so on. With all of his attention to detail and his creativity I thought he would grow up to be an engineer or a scientist of some sort. I heard "who you'd be today" last night and once again it made me think of Mattie and all the possibilities we all lost with his death. As we start 2010, a year without Mattie, know that many of us are bringing his memories into this new year along with you. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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