Thursday, January 28, 2010

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Tonight's picture features another moment from Mattie's trip to Los Angeles, when Mattie was 11 months old. This picture was taken at 5am, on top of my parent's kitchen counter. Mattie was confused with the time difference between Washington, DC and Los Angeles, and woke up bright and early. I have never been a morning person, but Mattie had a way of forcing me up and out, even at 5am. Mattie did not wake up slowly, he always woke up ALERT and ready to go! Fortunately Peter was a lot like Mattie, so they were good morning partners!


Poem of the day: MATTIE by Charlie Brown


M for magic, magnetic and moon
A for artistic and ALL that was lost too soon
T for the time, it was just not enough
T for the tears, we cried so much
I imaginative and inventive were all your games
E Empty is my heart, without you nothing is the same

As I was visiting with Mary, Ann's mom, we brought her to see the fish tank at the rehab center. She was intrigued at watching the fish move about and to see how well they were camouflaged with the plant life in the tank. It is interesting how the mind works, while standing there with Mary, my mind instantly went back to the huge fish tank in the PICU. This fish tank was one of our main forms of entertainment after hours, when Linda, Jenny, and Jessie were no longer there. Watching fish became our hobby, so much so, that Linda allowed Mattie to feed the fish on the weekends when she wasn't there. He took that responsibility serious, which I was happy about, because psychologically it got him up and out of his room, and he felt the fish really relied on him. It gave him a purpose, and I think Linda understood that dynamic and need WELL! I may never look at fish in a tank the same way again. Mattie and I had nicknames for the fish in Linda's tank. There was "Nervous Guy." He swam back and forth repeatedly, doing time trials. Accomplishing nothing other than giving us a laugh or two, because we were wondering what on earth this fish was doing. The other fish we watched closely was a purple fish, "Mr. Aggressive." Mr. Aggressive, was just that, he was the boss of the tank, and kept every fish in line, and the others did not seem to mess with him. So clearly you can see we spent lots of time by the tank, so much so we had named the fish! Some of you may not have known this!

As I sit back tonight, I realize I am simply tired and do not have much to say, other than I MISS Mattie. Seems to be my usual mantra, but as I read Charlie's clever poem today, I realized she captured the M in his name beautifully.... he was magical, magnetic, and of course the moon will always remind me of my "Mattie Moon." It is ironic how his preschool picked the perfect symbols for Mattie, Moon and Magnet. In fact, tonight is a full moon, and Peter and I both looked at the moon and we both thought of Mattie. Once Mattie was nick named "Mattie Moon" in preschool, whenever he spotted the moon, he would shout out.... Mattie Moon, Mattie Moon! At times I almost believed he thought the moon was named after him! It was very cute to watch and to experience. Now of course I use this beautiful glowing symbol in nature, to remember my special seven-year-old.

I received this wonderful picture of a Canadian Goose from Tad, our friend, today. He knows I love geese, and I shared this love with Mattie. Apparently Tad tells me that Huntley Meadows is full of fowl life right now, including the arrival of goslings. Mattie and I always loved watching Mama birds with their young. He would always tell me this reminded him of "Mattie with his Una Moona" (that was ME!), and naturally when Peter heard this, he would make fun of this whole interchange! Then we would all land up laughing over this. I love this picture of the goose, it almost seems like she is deep in thought and has something to say. Mattie and I would have these dialogues all the time, trying to guess how others and animals felt, and I think these peaceful moments allowed us to understand each other quite well. Since so much of one's own thoughts can get projected into how we interpret how others are feeling and thinking.

I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Acceptance and adjustment must sound impossible and perhaps not even like something you want to work toward. I can understand that; does acceptance mean somehow that what happened is okay? I don't believe it does. This is one of those times that it all depends on your definition I believe. Just because your heart aches, your whole being longs for Mattie doesn't mean you have not accepted that he died. It doesn't mean you can't be angry about his death and the way that it happened. It means that you know that you don't (and none of us do) have the power to return him to this life, this place. You know this in your head and at some point, your heart will come to know it too, but it will never make it okay or the loss any less significant in your life. I have to tell you how much I admire what you are doing in the area of patient advocacy; it is so tough to confront doctors and other specialists even when you are well; how much more difficult for someone like Mary who is frail and having difficulty to do so. In addition, you put your great networking skills to use to help another person connect to the help he needs. You have so many talents; I do look forward to hearing what you will eventually do with them. As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers."