Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009, a month before Mattie died. As you can see Mattie was driving Speedy Red, and had a big smile on his face. Because I was unsure if Mattie would be able to drive without assistance, I was his co-pilot. I could bearly fit into the car, but when there is a will there is a way. Mattie was an excellent driver, actually a natural. He understood the art of acceleration and how to slow down when making a turn. After a few tries at driving, Mattie could literally ride by himself. Toward the end though, he was driving with oxygen attached to him, so despite his efforts for independence, there were times where I insisted on riding along side him. I miss my driving buddy, but I am so happy he had these last moments of happiness and excitement. Mattie never got to take advantage of his wish from the "Make a Wish" foundation. Typically after a child completes chemotherapy, a family can request that their child with a life threatening illness be granted a wish. Unfortunately after Mattie's chemotherapy was completed, six weeks later, we learned that his cancer metastasized. Mattie never had the chance to fulfill a wish, so I am glad Speedy Red was something that brought Mattie some joy in the end. In fact, Mattie died one week before we were going to take him to the beach. Another foundation gave us a beach house for a week in September of 2009, but it wasn't meant to be.
Poem of the day: I miss you by Charlie Brown
In the silence of the early morning
I miss you
In the quiet of an evening
I miss you
In the songs of the birds
I miss you
In the laughter of children at play
I miss you
Silence or sound
Thoughts of you surround me
I miss you.
In the rising of the moon
I miss you
In the colors of the sunset
I miss you
In the riotous colors of spring
I miss you.
Light or dark
Thoughts of you are with me
I miss you
I am reminded of you by the things you
Used to do
I am reminded of you by the things you
Did not get to do
My world is filled with the loss of you
But
Somewhere, sometime, somehow
I will remember you with joy
For the brightness you brought
For the love you inspired
I will remember.
As many of my readers know, I had a hard day on Tuesday. That feeling seemed to carry over into the morning. When I began to wake up today, the first thought on my mind was that I did not want to get out of bed, and there really wasn't a reason to do so. It is in moments like this then things seem absolutely hopeless. Despite how sad I felt, I always know I have three people who are constantly there to monitor and support me the best they can. The first of course is Peter. Peter called me this morning, and found me crying. I did not have to say much, because he could see I went to bed in that state, and woke up in the same way. Peter told me he called to check on me, and to let me know he understood and cared. I heard him, but really couldn't talk, I was too overwrought. In the midst of deciding whether to get up or not, Ann was text messaging me back and forth. She was concerned about me, and was going to come over and she suggested we could sit outside together. But it is what she wrote in her message that got me up today, and she wrote, "I need you to get up." I am not sure why those three words, I need you, made such an impact on me, but they did. I think at our very human core, we all need to be needed. To serve a purpose. The third person in my life that follows me throughout the day is my lifetime friend, Karen. Though Karen lives in NY, we pretty much know how our days are going thanks to the beauty of our Blackberries. Karen has been trying to help me understand why I am feeling this heightened sense of sadness this week.
I spent the day with Ann. She is in the process of getting ready for spring and her daughter's holy communion party. With that comes fun projects which I like, involving the rearrangement of furniture, and new accessories for parts of her home. One of us in a store is bad enough, but together it truly is a comedy show. I think buying a product without opening it up and seeing if you like it and whether it actually matches with other items you want to purchase is a mistake. So I literally was unfolding quilts in the middle of a store, and picking out pillows to match the quilt. Somehow, in our quest to find the right thing, the process is truly down right hysterical to watch and to experience. It was a busy day, and it certainly was a much needed diversion from the profound sadness I lived through Tuesday afternoon into this morning.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I am sorry that yesterday was a tough day. Grief is a roller coaster with ups and downs and yesterday was clearly one of those down times. I am glad you had people around you who care, who understood and who could offer what was needed (hugs and not words). Tuesdays seem to be the worst of the week; I am beginning to think of them as "Terrible Tuesdays" and wish them over and done for you each week as the day arrives. I do hope that at sometime later on that feeling changes and Tuesdays can just be Tuesday again. I really appreciated your mom's story and the picture; I do think that Mattie is somewhere out there, probably doing his apprenticeship as an architect in a spiritual zone and that we will get to see his next level of creations someday. As I practice today I will send you the positive thoughts and the hope that it inspires in me; I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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