Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2002, when Mattie was four months old. Mattie was the recipient of many wonderful gifts when he was born. At an early age, he had an incredible collection of stuffed animals. However, by four months, Mattie had his favorites picked out. The one that he absolutely loved was this cow rattle that, in this picture, was sitting on his tummy. He liked the sound it made and its contrasting colors.
Poem of the day: Things by Charlie Brown
I touch your things and wonder
Why you're not still here
To laugh and play and enjoy
All the things that you held dear
I know I need to put them away
But I still can't face
How lonely I will be
Without your things in place
I hope I will soon see
A way to continue on
To keep you in my heart
As you are always in my mind
So until then, Mattie moon
Your toys and things will be
Scattered all around
Providing reminders of you to me
Charlie's poem, "Things," reminds me of a song I have heard on the radio. It is a song by Miranda Lambert entitled, "The House That Built Me." When I first heard this song, it got me to pause, because I found the sentiments in the song very touching. However, there was something about the song that was particularly meaningful to me. Below, I attached the link to the song's video for you to see and hear it for yourself. Miranda Lambert is singing about the importance of going back to the house she grew up in. Within this house, is captured the memories of events and people that made her who she is today. I have been wondering why this song resonates with me. Is it because I have the desire to go back to the house that built me?! It took me a while to put the connections altogether and when I read today's poem, everything just clicked. I am not relating the song to myself at all. I am relating it to Mattie. Peter and I are living in the house that built Mattie. Each item (or "THING") symbolizes and captures a memory. Just as Miranda Lambert walks into each room of the house and remembers something back from her childhood, I too walk throughout my house and remember Mattie as a baby, Mattie learning to walk, Mattie learning to ride a bicycle, and Mattie just being Mattie. The things around me are more than just things, they are the things that helped to build my incredible son. Which is most likely why I am having a hard time with the thought of parting with any of them.
Miranda Lambert: The House That Built Me
http://www.cmt.com/videos/miranda-lambert/500805/the-house-that-built-me.jhtml
Peter and I had a productive weekend of cleaning out our deck and planting. Things are beginning to take shape, and we had dinner outside tonight, while listening to Mattie's fountains in the background. For my birthday in 2008, Mattie and Peter built me two outdoor fountains. They both knew how much I like the sound of water, that when I went away to San Diego in July 2008 for a conference, they became very creative. Mind you a few days after my return from San Diego, Mattie was diagnosed with Osteosarcoma. The fountains in a way are very bittersweet for me. These fountains will always remind me of Mattie, the gift he gave me on my birthday, and unfortunately cancer. Peter retold the story tonight about how he and Mattie created a fountain for me back in 2007. However, this fountain did not turn out too well, and they tossed it. They came up with much better designs in 2008. What got me about the story was the fact that Mattie was focused upon giving me fountains, and the time and effort did not seem to dissuade him. Hearing this story always makes me smile, because I can picture Mattie dialoguing this with Peter, and Mattie was very compelling when he had his heart and mind set on doing something.
Peter and I then started talking about Speedy Red over dinner. What you should know was the original deal (before we knew Mattie's cancer metastasized), was that Mattie could get Speedy Red if he earned it. Earning it would mean that he had to listen to Anna (his physical therapist), comply with what she asked him to do, and to start taking a few steps on his own. Unfortunately this was not in Mattie's future. Tonight I wondered what Mattie could have been thinking when we gave him Speedy Red. Naturally he wasn't walking, and hadn't met his end of the bargain. I have no doubt that Mattie made note of this, but at the time none of us dialogued about why we were giving him this battery powered car. Maybe all three of us really understood the reason, and nothing verbally was needed to be said. I am not sure, but somehow this weighs heavily on my mind.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I read your blog this morning and the poem somehow wrote itself. I hope you don't mind. Perhaps you can find a way to work some of Mattie's collections into your landscaping; certainly many of my neighbors use shells and rocks in their flower beds. Perhaps some of Mattie's friends would like a few of the pieces to work into their own flowers especially if they can be put in along with the "forget me nots." I know you said you were upset by other children using the sand box but Mattie had a generous spirit and would have welcomed other children into his games and perhaps they sensed that and so made themselves comfortable in the sand box. When a spirit is not welcoming, others, especially children, sense that so I believe he would not be upset by having them there. I like Susan's idea of the book, perhaps you could try out the idea with an article for one of the counseling newsletters or journals and then build from there. As I practice today I will focus on the energy to accept limitations both physical and mental. We all have them; but often we think they are in a different space/spot then they actually are. I will send you the energy to push through the discomfort of dealing with the least personal of Mattie's "things" as that may be the place to begin when you feel ready. I hold you gently in my thoughts today!"
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