Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. At this point Mattie was very sick and we knew his cancer had metastasized. Mattie had always wanted to go on a camping trip with Peter and some of his buddies from school. Peter was actually planning such a trip the summer of 2008, but it never materialized because Mattie was diagnosed with Osteosarcoma. However, in August of 2009, Peter took out his huge tent, and set it up in our living room. It took up the living and dining rooms. Each night that Mattie was home from the hospital, we slept in the tent. Peter took a picture of us one morning still sleeping. During Mattie's treatment, he did experience medical post traumatic stress disorder. The stress and anxiety associated with sleeping never dissipated. So there were many nights, I would sleep right next to Mattie to assure him that everything was going to be okay.
Poem of the day: Some days by Charlie Brown
Some days I can smile
Some days are filled with tears
Some days I want to hide
On others, I can face my fears.
Some mornings I can't
Get out of bed
Or face the fact
That you are dead.
That word, I said it
It makes me cry
It breaks my heart
And tears me inside
I'm still searching
For something to do
That will fill the emptiness
Of the loss of you.
Every day brings
A brand new pain
And I have to face
Your loss again
One day I hope
I come to find
Something that engages
Both heart and mind
Then my sorrow can ease
And I will be
On the path to hope
That is the key.
As Charlie's poem highlights so well, the loss of Mattie for Peter and I is revisited every day. We face this pain head on every morning, and it is the last thing we think about before going to bed. Life as we knew it is no longer, and even though you would think this reality would sink in, it is still hard to take.
I spent a good portion of my day outside in Ann's backyard. I am helping Ann with plantings. Being outside is so needed for both Peter and I. We spent so much time trapped in a hospital room, with a lack of fresh air, that I still believe our bodies are trying to recover from this trauma. I still remember the days in the PICU, staring outside the window, looking at students passing by living their lives, and wishing this could be true for us. The outside quickly began to represent freedom to me. So in essence I spent several hours today in a peaceful setting, surrounded by birds and trees. While going through one of Ann's flower beds, I was pulling out weeds, and saw something very familiar to me. There within the dirt were Legos. Clearly her children had once been playing with Legos while near their swing set. Though I wasn't there to witness this scene, the Legos, helped me imagine the fun they must have been having outside. Naturally I couldn't help but also think of Mattie when I saw these Legos. Mattie must have built almost every Lego set possible during the 15 months he was in the hospital. I have great fondness for Legos, and despite Mattie not physically being present in our lives, we are still surrounded by many of his Lego creations.
This evening, I got together with Ellen (Charlotte's mom) and Junko (Kazu's mom, and also our friend who would give me massages each time she visited the hospital) for dinner. We all had a nice time chatting, sharing stories, and catching up. Ellen invited us to the play, Master Class, starring Tyne Daly. I had seen this play many years ago with Peter and my parents. At the time, the lead character was played by Faye Dunaway. I practically grew up watching Cagney and Lacey (a TV series about two women police officers, one of which was played by Tyne Daly). However, I did not know that Tyne Daly was also a gifted stage actress. One immediate observation about all the actors and actresses on stage tonight was they did not have to use a microphone. Their voices were strong and naturally projected out into the audience. A rare occurrence in theatre today. The story was about the life of Maria Callas, a world renounced opera singer. What I imagine made her so unique was not necessarily her voice, but the bold, courageous, and highly expressive nature of her presentation. For her just singing, demeaned the art form. She believed that it was vital to understand what she was singing about, in order to be able to act out and express what the composer beautifully wrote into the music. She felt that anyone could sing, but to capture the hearts and minds of your audience through music was the true sign of talent and success. She was a woman who clearly lived a very focused and driven life to achieve success at the expense of happiness, love, and a family. The play was very effective at highlighting this opera singer's intensity, drive, determination, ego, as well as her paranoia and loneliness. This play inspires you to learn more about Maria Callas, and to also appreciate the art form of opera.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "It seems Wednesday was a "wrap around" of Terrible Tuesday. I am sorry to hear that. I do think you are on the way to finding the key for yourself; your response to "I need you to get up" speaks volumes to me as it should to you. You need to be needed. Most of us do, but you more than most since it suits who you are and you have made a career from being a carer and teacher. If you are to make it in the long haul, you need to find the place(s) where you are needed and can give of your multitude of skills and strengths. Today as I practice I will send you the energy to help you find the strength for that search. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The second message is from my friend, Susan. Susan wrote, "I was reading your blog from the last couple days, but the one that really touched me is the one from Tuesday where you said "Yet despite that, he put up with our insistence to do physical therapy, and even when he said he did not feel like moving, he complied and gave it his all. For some reason I saw this in a totally different light this morning, Perhaps Mattie drew hope and inspiration from your insistence. It gave him hope for his future. If you had known the how soon you'd know the outcome of this ordeal perhaps you wouldn't have been so insistent, and what would have filled his days then? Just laying around?? That was SO not Mattie. Through your actions you and Peter gave him hope by giving him a goal to work toward. Without something to work toward it's almost like the quote from Dante "abandon all hope ye who enter here... The other thing that struck me was when I wrote your name on the email. I'm sure you know your name means Victory (no surprise there), Matthew comes from the Hebrew name Matitya meaning "gift from G-d" again no surprise. And Peter means "the rock." Put the three of you together as a family unit, and you are like a rope. Woven together as a family you became very strong which is why you have weathered Mattie's sickness as a family. And now the rock and victory are left. With victory leaning on the rock, for now but when the time is right (meaning when you are ready), then victory over all the sadness, and grief will emerge. I know this about esoteric but I hope you get the drift. I hope today is a day full of love and blessings for you."
No comments:
Post a Comment