Tonight's picture, though a little blurry, captures the essence of Mattie. It was taken in May of 2006. Clearly we received a large box in the mail, and Mattie did not want us to throw it out. His affection for boxes occurred early in life. Though I have found with small children, that you can buy them all sorts of toys, but it is the everyday objects in the end that interest them the most. As you can see, Mattie was having a ball in this box and smiling away. In many cases, Mattie would transform his boxes into cars, boats, and trains primarily. Our living room served as a race track, dock, and track on many occasions. Having Mattie's energy for life around us for seven years is a force we greatly miss now. Our home no longer has the same vibrancy and action in both the physical and emotional sense.
Poem of the day: Progress? by Charlie Brown
I often don't know
From day to day
How I'll feel or
What to say
I know you're gone
And yet in my heart
I just cannot accept
That we're now apart
For me, all your things
Hold pieces of you
It's hard for me to share
Would you feel that way too?
I think I'm making progress
But that makes me sad too
Because it means I admit
I will never again be mom to you
I think this weekend in some ways was challenging because on a deeper level I was forced to see that I will never be Mattie's mom again. Charlie's poem accurately captures my sentiments, and I told her today that I appreciated her understanding exactly what I was trying to express in last night's posting. I still reflect on Mattie's shoes and other items that I relocated in the past day or two, and Peter reported to me that the little girl was playing in Mattie's sandbox again today. All signs that Mattie is not here, and will never be here again. As you will see reflected in Charlie's message to me today, she acknowledges that our core Mattie Team hasn't forgotten about us. That this team is just that.... still is a part of our lives. I agree that this is VERY atypical. Those who grieve usually land up doing it alone after the first few weeks or even month. However, I am not doing any of this alone, unless I choose to. The question is why? I have to imagine the main reason I am not doing this alone is because I continue to write the blog. From the time that Mattie was diagnosed, Peter and I became very open about our day to day thoughts and feelings. In a way, I am trying to make grieving, not necessarily a public affair, but most definitely an accepted and more understood aspect of life. I know that not all people who experience grief would be comfortable sharing the details that we do. I respect that, because I know that we all need different things to cope. Since our core team helped us survive over a year of torture, it only seems natural to continue reaching out to these people. I am fortunate though that this team keeps reaching back, that I am not left alone in isolation to wallow through the days without help. Life right now for Peter and I is difficult, but if we did not have people reaching out to us, it would be a hundred times more devastating. If that is at all possible.
Despite it being extremely hot today, I told Peter, I wanted to visit the DC Aquatic Gardens. We usually do this around this time of year, when the lotus flowers are in full bloom. However, Peter and I haven't visited these gardens for over two years now. I admit today was a rather hot day to be standing in the sun, but as always the sights were not disappointing. I remember the very first year we found this little gem, I was in shock. I had never seen a lotus flower before in my life. Or at least not one growing in front of my eyes. The locus flower is the national flower of India and Vietnam. The flowers, seeds, young leaves, and roots are all edible and the flower has been known to represent elegance, beauty, perfection, purity and grace. When you stand in a field filled with these flowers, you can't help but feel captivated in a state of beauty. The sight to me is almost surreal, and I feel transported into another land. Peter caught some of our moments today on camera. Mind you while he was doing this, I was spraying him with cold water from Mattie's spray bottle we bought him at the LA Zoo. We were quite the pair today, but despite the heat, we enjoyed this outing and our time together doing things we used to enjoy. To learn more about the gardens, I attached a helpful link: http://www.nps.gov/keaq/naturescience/gardener-corner.htm
This sighting always gets me.... a pond filled with lotus flowers for as far as the eye can see.
Lotus flowers can be pink or white. You can see the "shower head" pods that remain once the flowers have bloomed.
Can you see why I call it a shower head now? In fact, this remanent is actually used by florists in flower arrangements.
This afternoon, I went to visit Mary, Ann's mom. Mary wasn't having the best of days, but in all reality, when I go to see Mary, I am happy with whatever mood she throws at me. I realize that life for her hasn't been easy, and now as she accepts her physical decline, I know that this is challenging and frustrating. I read several articles in the paper to Mary today, and then we read some magazine articles. Mary and I learned about the Russian Spies in NY, and also read a funny story that classifed woman as either angels or devils when it came to eating. I think it is safe to say that Mary and I are both devils, because we can make very good excuses for why we eat what we want to. I helped Mary through dinner, and despite Mary telling her caregivers that she doesn't like corn, they served her corn mixed in with other vegetables. Mary wanted the other vegetables, but not with the corn. So while helping her, I literally picked out all the kernels of corn, and made a mountain of it on another plate. Yes this might sound like a waste of time, but it accomplished two fold. One, Mary was able to ate all the other vegetables, and two in a subtle way (without me verbally having to say anything), it reminded her caregivers that Mary doesn't like corn. They acknowledged that to me as they saw my corn mountain growing. After dinner, Mary and I sat outside. I don't only drag Peter outside in this weather, but now I am also bringing Mary into the heat. It has become our evening routine. After dinner this week, we would venture out on the deck for ten minutes. While outside, we look at the trees, bushes, and flowers. When isolated inside, as I know all TOO well, seeing greenery and life are VERY important. While outside tonight, Mary spoke with Ann and all her grandchildren by phone. She thoroughly enjoyed that. Could Mary have survived without me this week, most definitely. However, as I told her tonight, when she said she has wasted my entire week, I told her we are friends, and as such, friends help each other. I asked her if the shoes were reversed, would she be visiting me? Her answer was of course! So I figured I proved my point.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "It's very hard when the loss of someone you love also means the loss of the connections they brought to the relationship. You have done far better at staying connected to the school, the teachers, the medical personnel and Mattie's friends than anyone else I know has managed a similar loss. Usually those connections fade within a couple of months and the grievers have new losses especially if they enjoyed those connections. Instead you seem to have found a way to expand your connections which as always speaks volumes for your abilities as a counselor and communicator. I know it is hard to see some of Mattie's things being used by another child; however, I think that Mattie would not mind. I know on one hand it is tempting to try to "fix" things in place so that nothing changes but that is also a reminder that with Mattie gone, nothing will change except time and that the natural progression of Mattie outgrowing toys and giving them away will not happen. I believe you will come to a place in your own time when you are able to "outgrow" the need to be surrounded by everything of Mattie's and be able to sort that down to those things which were truly special to him and to you. Perhaps when you get ready to do that, you might want to take pictures of each thing and put them in a memory book/CD so that you will have the pictures to refer to. That point will come in your own time. I appreciate your issues concerning your belief in G-d. You are right that both Mary's son and Mattie are not where your prayers can bring them back. However, both you and Mary are now the ones in pain and the ones who need the prayers and so I will continue to pray for you both. I hold you gently in my thoughts and in my heart today."
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