Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2005. Mattie was three years old. The irony is Peter and I sat on this exact bench this past weekend. This bench is at the DC Aquatic Gardens. Mattie was a fellow in constant motion. As you can see from this picture, if I wasn't holding him, he most likely would have flown right out of my arms. Mattie loved exploring the DC Aquatic Gardens, and he was successful at spotting all sorts of creatures there such as Great Blue Herons, ducks, snakes, frogs, turtles, and even a beaver. This weekend, Peter was reflecting on my love of nature, and was thinking through when this love developed. He is correct, I wasn't always like this. I appreciated my green spaces, but now I don't only appreciate them, I seek them out and they give me some sort of peace. I do think having an active little boy in my life, got me outside more, and since Mattie took to walking and spotting things in nature, I suppose I developed this love over my years of raising Mattie. Though Mattie is no longer in my life, the gift of nature, which we found together remains.
Poem of the day: Lifestream by Charlie Brown
Another Tuesday comes
And I mark another week
Sometimes sadness overwhelms me
And I can hardly speak
Individual moments pass slowly
Yet the days are a swiftly running stream
Time is like a watercourse
Seen through the filter of a dream
So much of it is hazy
And if you asked me to recall
I'd have trouble telling you
What filled my days at all
What seems to stand as rocks
And boulders in this stream
Are the memories and thoughts of you
When we faced life like a team
We were mother and son together
Facing the many challenges of life
But our connection is now severed
By a disease that cuts like a knife
So what will be my touchstones
Those things I want to do
Now that my life's work as your mom
While just started, is now through.
As this week approaches the anniversary dates that Mattie was diagnosed with cancer, I find that this brings about great sadness. Mattie was initially diagnosed with osteosarcoma on July 23, 2008 at Virginia Hospital Center. This diagnosis was confirmed by Dr. Bob on that night at his house, and then Bob connected us with Georgetown University Hospital. Mattie was then officially diagnosed with osteosarcoma on July 25, 2008, my birthday. The anniversary of a diagnosis is troublesome enough, but when mingled with a birthday, it seems like a very bad combination. As I reflect on Mattie's loss tonight, I couldn't help but think of a song I sang to Mattie often. It was a Helen Reddy song entitled, You and Me Against the World. I attached a link to it below in case you are not familiar with it. In the chorus of the song, she sings:
And when one of us is gone
And one of us is left to carry on
Then remembering will have to do
Our memories alone will get us through
Think about the days of me and you
Of you and me against the world
When I would sing this song to Mattie, I never thought it was going to be me who would have to rely on memories of our bond together to get me through. This thought NEVER crossed my mind. Instead I sang this song to Mattie, because he and I dealt with many challenges together. The challenges of being a late walker, talker, and a biter, to name a few. Despite all the negativity and feedback I received about Mattie early on in his life, I saw the true beauty and character underneath his rough exterior. Which is why Helen Reddy's song spoke to our relationship.
You and Me Against the World by Helen Reddy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJAKmWAIKcY
I began my day with meeting my friend, Mary for tea. Not Ann's mom, Mary, but a fellow Resurrection Children's Center mom. Mary and her family were very supportive of us during Mattie's battle with cancer. They provided us with meals, toys, and visits in the hospital. In fact, during Christmas of 2008, Mary gave me two lovely red square plates. I still have these plates, and use them often. They remind me of the generosity of friendship. Mary and I had a delightful conversation, and in a way, I feel as if I am learning about people in my life in a whole new way. Naturally it was hard to really connect with anyone when caring for Mattie in the hospital. But the one thing I have learned from cancer, is the importance of making the time to connect with the people who were there for us in incredible ways. So Mary started my day off on the right note.
This afternoon met up with Ann. She had a busy day with her children by the pool. Though Ann was running around in this heat supervising her children and their friends, I instead sat in one place and continued to read my book. Normally I would participate with Ann, but today, I just did not feel like I could emotionally do that. The beauty of Ann, is that she doesn't seem to mind when I have to step back, nor does she expect me to be a certain way on any given day. I continue to be glued to My Sister's Keeper. There were so many things written on these pages that I read today, that absolutely brought me back in time. A time when I couldn't think of anything else in my life other than cancer. When a 24 hour a day clock meant absolutely nothing to me, a time when I heard and was surrounded by pain, nausea, and toxic chemicals, and a time when talking about anything other than treatment, survival, and surgeries were irrelevant. Reading this book, in essence is therapeutic in its own right, because it hones in on the depths of family crisis, disturbance, and the desperation a parent has when facing the pending death of a child.
Toward the evening, I went with Ann and her daughter, Abigail, to visit Mary (Ann's mom). On the car ride there, Ann's phone rang. It was her older daughter, Katie, who called. Katie is at sleep away camp this week, and she called to say hello to her mom. Ann was clearly happy to connect with her daughter, and this was evident because she pulled her car over to the side of the road to talk to Katie. This may not sound unusual to my readers, but Ann is a multitasker, so driving and talking on the phone comes naturally to her. But when she pulled over to talk to Katie, this caught my attention. In fact, it was actually a very loving act, because her simple gesture showed me that this connection today was important to her, and she did not want to focus on anything else other than what Katie had to say. I tried to imagine myself in Ann's position today, talking to Mattie on the phone. I could sense Ann's excitement and at the same time I could also understand how she missed having her daughter around. I understand all too well how the absence of your child leaves a hole in your heart. A hole for Ann which probably won't be filled until Katie returns.
I have been called to jury duty in DC on thursday. This is a process I am VERY familiar with. If you live in the District of Columbia, then you know that you are called to this service EVERY two years. Without fail! Peter was summoned to a grand jury trial this coming September. Meaning that he would have to report to jury duty for 30 days straight. How someone is expected to miss 30 days of work is beyond me. Any case, with the help of Georgetown University Hospital, we made a compelling case as to why jury duty right now in Peter's life would be a hardship. Not sure why I did not do this for myself. But my ultimate concern was Peter and balancing a month of jury duty, and no work, would be too stressful. Especially since Peter missed many days at work from Mattie's cancer. So wish me luck as I venture to jury duty. It is my hope that I complete my one day of service, so that on Friday, Peter and I can head to Ellen's beach house. Ellen has given us her beach house to use this weekend for my birthday, and we are looking forward to this change of scenery, and to be by the Atlantic Ocean.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from Mattie's oncologist and our friend, Kristen. Kristen wrote, "For the first summer since moving into our home...I've noticed butterflies fluttering around the flowers on our deck. Perhaps Mattie's way of saying hello to all of us. I hope this email finds you well. Thinking of you on this Tuesday and everyday."
The second message if from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I've read My Sister's Keeper and one of the thoughts that kept coming back for me was how much we define ourselves by the connections to others in our lives. And what happens when you find yourself in a life where your sole reason for being is just one connection, one role, one task? Can you find another when that one ceases or do you cease to exist as well? I am glad your visit to the spa yesterday was a better one and that you were able to rest. It takes a long time for the body to "unlearn" habits that we've developed to cope with difficult situations and yours is still relearning that it is "safe" to sleep through the night. Until that happens, napping periodically is a good way to recharge your physical and mental batteries as you face each challenging day. It is really nice to hear that Mattie's story and your blog have moved others who were only remotely connected, to do such a thoughtful gesture and donate and spread the word even further about the foundation. Like ripples created by a pebble in a pond, Mattie's life and your blog have spread in directions we cannot yet see. As I practice today, I send you my strength to help you through another week. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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