As I was searching for a picture to post tonight, I came across an electronic file I hadn't opened in a long time. The beauty of electronic files, or at least with me, is I some times create a file and then forget about it. This picture was clearly in such a file. I remember this chickie onesie of Mattie's very well. In fact, with each stage that Mattie grew out of clothes, I always saved a favorite outfit or two from each stage. I suppose I wanted to capture that moment in time. I did not realize then that I wasn't only capturing a moment in time, but I was capturing the only tangible things of Mattie's I would ever have. Mattie and I were very fond of ducks, and I guess I started his love he had for animals at a young age. This chickie outfit was just one of many other animal themed outfits he wore.
Poem of the day: Forty two by Charlie Brown
Forty two weeks
Or forty two years
It will not matter
There will always be tears
You were our hope
Our son and our joy
Now you are gone
You're God's little boy
People ask how I am
And what I'm doing
I am helping others
Not sitting and stewing
But whatever I do
Or wherever I go
Your memories accompany me
For this I do know
For as long as I live
You will hold my heart
And I felt it break
That day we did part.
But I will keep on
I have to, you know
And in doing so, honor you
I've a long way to go.
Charlie's poem is very moving. It is moving because it expresses how a loss of a child is felt by parents. It is a pain that doesn't go away, whether Mattie has been gone 42 weeks or 42 years. It is a part of us. However, the struggle we continue to face is that this is our reality moving forward, and as Charlie states, "I've a long way to go." It is very difficult to continue this journey when the hopes you had for the future have been eliminated. Therefore, in a way it takes super human strength to pull out of the depths of despair some days.
I had an amazing sighting today at Ann's house. A beautiful monarch butterfly came right up to my car. Unlike typical butterflies, this one spent a great deal of time with me. It circled a tree, and allowed us to get close to it. Just when I thought it would fly away, back it came. So I pulled out my camera to share this beautiful creature with you tonight. Once Mattie came into my life, I learned to always travel with a camera in my purse. However, now, I do not have as many moments to snap pictures of. Somehow it seems like I have moved from taking pictures of my little one (and things associated with children), to taking pictures of nature in a desperate attempt to capture the spirit of Mattie. If only this butterfly could talk and let me know how Mattie is, not that it would change my current feelings, but Peter and I live with the memories of cancer treatments and surgeries and we also live with the memories of watching Mattie die traumatically.This afternoon, we headed back to Tina's (Ann's friend and neighbor) pool. It was another 100 degree day today, and the relief from the heat was much appreciated, by adults, kids, and even, Max the dog! Later in the afternoon, I went with Ann to pick up her daughter at camp. While on line to pick up Abigail, I saw one of Mattie's former classmates. She saw me. She could have turned away, however, instead she waved and smiled at me. I am not sure what about that interchanged touched me, but it did. I find that children and adults deal with Mattie's loss very differently. Adults are sometimes scared to bring up Mattie in front of me, or to dialogue about my loss. However, I have experienced quite the opposite from children who knew Mattie. I would think Mattie's death would be difficult for his friends to accept, and on some level I am sure it is. It brings about concerns about their own health and the health of those around them. But what amazes me is that I hear from parents that these children also worry about me. They are concerned how I am going to live without Mattie in my life. To me, this is a very sensitive and telling observation, one in which adults may have, but would never verbalize. The beauty of young children is that they have the ability to express most thoughts and feelings without censoring them. Anycase, the wave and smile from Mattie's classmate, stopped me in my tracks today. Because it is in these beautiful and unexpected moments that I think of Mattie and exactly what is missing in my life.
This evening Peter and I went out to dinner with Jerry and Nancy (the volunteer musical duo at Georgetown University Hospital that Mattie loved). Before we headed out to dinner, I could tell that Peter was quite down, upset, and not happy with what life has given us. It is ironic, Jerry and Nancy work at the Hospital to cheer up the children who are sick. However, what I learned back in August 2008 (when I met them), is their presence had a big impact on Peter and I. They brought music, laughter, and friendship into our room each week. They helped pull Mattie out of his shell, and they were successful most nights, since Mattie loved playing "Name that Tune" with Jerry and Nancy. Jerry and Nancy helped us forget about chemotherapy and cancer, and instead got us singing and some times even got Mattie moving his body. We even got the nurses involved in our shows! Though Mattie is gone from our lives, the friendship he helped us build with Jerry and Nancy is alive and well. Jerry and Nancy worked hard tonight at getting us talking, processing things, remembering Mattie, and also laughing. Through dinner, I could slowly see Peter's spark come back just a bit, and I realized what Jerry was doing was giving Peter and chance to express his thoughts and feelings in a very energetic and stimulating manner. Jerry is a syndicated columnist and he was talking with us tonight about me writing a book. Jerry gave me some things to think about and how to start brainstorming this enormous task. The one thing that I have as a resource is the BLOG. This is a written account of our days for the past two years. I do not have to imagine how I felt on any particular day, I just need to go back to the blog and read about it. Jerry happens to love my sense of humor and he feels if anyone can tell Mattie's story and help others through writing, it will be me. I appreciated this level of confidence in me. As I told Nancy, part of my issue is trying to deal with Mattie's loss and while doing this, it is hard to go back and read the blog. Part of this blog in ingrained in me, I have lived it and breathed it, but I am just not sure I am ready to relive it right now. Needless to say, we had a good time reconnecting with Jerry and Nancy, and we were not short on conversation!
The second message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I appreciate the sentiments in Nancy's poem. As she said, you did give your all and you continue to give even now. I think that is what some people don't understand; they try to put themselves in your place and many of them would try to run from what you are facing by being as far away from cancer and families as they could. I admire you and Peter for what you are doing to help others; I hope that in the long run it helps to bring a sense of healing to your hearts. I read what you said about the daily stressors and I believe that's where your blog has made the biggest difference for most of us who are not dealing with life and death issues right now. I know many of us have been reminded to let things go; not to overreact to the small things like spilled milk or traffic jams. So many small things happen daily that we can easily lose sight of the blessings of our day and our life. As I practice today, I will send you my energy to help you "keep on". I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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